Did i overreact?
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I hate to break it to you sweetheart....but sometimes guys don't really think outside the lines like we do...they have an account, and that's that. They don't always *think* oh yeah, I could cancel this...sometimes they need a gentle reminder ;-) I'm sure it's harmless though, and something that can easily be worked out...
as a guy, ....nah, he knew, trust me, he either knew or he's a little ahh....well...
I think not disabling the profile is by intention, not by accident.
I'd bring the hammer down girl. Tell him it's unacceptable that his profile is up. Don't beat around the bush, don't play games, don't try to "hint" that you want it down, just tell him, that comes down or you aren't my boyfriend. You can be nice about saying it, that's fine, but be very clear. Guys sometimes aren't all that emotionally intuitive (at least until we get a little older and realize we need to be), best to be very clear about it. If that bothers him then he's probably not emotionally ready for a relationship anyway and you might be better off finding someone else before it gets too serious.0 -
he might be looking for a back up girl just in case never know. have him show you messages he sent out if you don't trust him0
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This may be a sign or may not be. But the reality is,you have to decide for yourself what kind of behavior you expect from other people. And, what will make YOU happy.0
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If its no big deal, tell him to give you the password so you can see when he doesnt expect it. If its about the messages you guys shared, theres a little known computer technique known as 'cut and paste" to help save those memories.
Listen to your gut. Dont let feelings overshadow this mammoth red flag. And if he does give you access--which he wont--then he will simply put up another profile and keep looking. Put spyware on the pc--20 bucks at best buy for a keystroke program. This advice is from a guy so listen to it--his excuse is bogus and he IS looking.
Much luck.0 -
My experience from meeting a guy from Match - met him, had a great dinner, full of great conversation, laughter, total chemistry. Saw him every week (he lived an hour away) for 4or so weeks. Managed to not sleep with him too soon. Then I started seeing him less and less but he started telling me he loved me...blah blah blah. I thought - hey we are a couple. Never once did either of us mention our Match accounts. So this goes on for months....he meets the kids.....they love him......he tells me "I wouldn't change one thing about you".....sweet right? Yep! So one day I send him a good morning text and he responds with "you need to back off".....what?? This went on all summer (I met him in March). One day he loved me the next I was bothering him. CRAZY. So for the hell of it I logged on Match and low and behold it showed he had been on recently within an hour. Sorta explained his craziness. He may have liked me enough but was still looking. It took me MONTHS to get over him. Still think about him every once and a while and it's been over 2 years since I've seen him. Point of my story - be careful, be sure and talk about every single thing you can think about talking about and watch for any "crazy" signs. Heartache sucks. I don't wish it on anyone.0
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You did not overreact. Clearly he knows how you are feeling because he doesn't want you opening an account. So then if you can't have your acct why can he? Is he scared that you'll find he has been active on the dating sites?
I personally think that if you two have confirmed that you are going 'steady' then there is no point to have the dating site open. He can copy all the messages that you two sent one another into a word file.
He should close his account out of respect and understanding of your feelings.0 -
I met my last ex on a dating site and i deleted my account once we became exclusive. He kept his account, said he just wanted to talk to new people.
Found him "talking" to 3 other women about what he'd like to do in the bedroom with them and he fooled around with one of them.
Sorry but there is NO reason for a person to keep an online dating profile active when they are with someone. Dating sites are for one thing and one thing only.
If he just wanted to keep your conversations he could copy and paste them into a word document.0 -
Unless you and he have had other problems that raised red flags, I'd take him at his word. Guys get sooooo few responses when they have a profile that it probably never crossed his mind to deactivate it.0
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He should only have to cancel them after you change your relationship status on facebook. We all know that's when it is official.0
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Its just dawned on me that I`ve never really closed my account on dating sites. Its just kinda left there and ignored. I wouldn`t read too much into it.
However, I would like to point out that there is a huge difference between keeping an existing account going due to forgetfulness/habit and intentionally taking the time to create a profile on a dating site.
That is true. It could have been an oversight, You can give the guy the benefit of the doubt. However, once he realizes it is an issue for her and doesn't close it..... Then it becomes a problem and means he is keeping his options open.
If he refuses to close it, that's a sign that all is not well.
This0 -
It's been three months. Now if it had been a year, that's a different story. I think at three months it's more important to just watch each other and see how each does things on their own, rather than trying to change each other's behaviors. If it were me, I would have just filed away the knowledge for a while and then checked back in after a few more months to see if it was still open. If so, I would just ask about it in a non-confrontational way and see what his point of view on the issue was. But if he decides to acquiesce to your viewpoint on how he conducts his business, wouldn't you rather that it was something he did voluntarily and not something you had to throw a hissy fit to get him to do?
It's a little late for this particular instance I guess, since you have already reacted. But if you get another chance to deal with an issue that you two obviously have different expectations about, I'd step back and just let him deal with it himself on his own terms, rather than trying to force actions that you consider appropriate. See what he does and whether or not you can live with it. Talk about it without demands, retaliation threats, or tears. You don't want to get into a routine where he never knows how to act and you have to tell him so that he can avoid upsetting you. If the two of you operate that differently, better to just find out early and cut your losses than to drag it out. On the other hand, if you give him a chance to do it his way, he may surprise you in a wonderful way.
Great advice!0 -
Dina1990, I am sorry you guys are having problems
and hope you'll work things out. I want you to consider this. He told you the dating profile was open, he could have lied to you. But he didn't. Which leds me to believe he's being honest about waiting to keep the messages you guys shared. I know I have a hard time deleting text messages between my lover and myself, They are like pictures, reminding me of when. It's all about TRUST. Do you trust him? Dating profile or not, if he wanted to talk to someone else, he can simply do it at work, at the gym or on the streets. He got upset bc he knows his actions are innocent, are yours?
Talk to him when you guys have calm down. Wish you the best.0 -
My ex did the same thing actually. He kept his profiles open, said he didn't use them. Well then almost a year later I find out that he HAD been using them to chat up girls. He said he never MET any of them...but regardless. His dating profile said single and he was chatting up girls that were interested in him. I was very upset and he was trying to tell me it was no big deal because he never met any of them. To me, that's a form of emotional cheating. If you have to look for girls for any reason...clearly the relationship isn't working out. But that was my situation where we had been together for almost a year. 3 months is a little different as there is still room for forgiveness...especially if he isn't using them. But you can usually tell if they are active as the profile will tell you the last time they were online.0
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I don't think you over reacted at all! He shouldn'#t have the accounts open if he is in a relationship with you.0
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How did you find out his accounts were still open? Were you snooping behind his back?
I randomly asked him when did we start talking
he gave me a date
im like lol dude how did u remember that
he was like i went on my profile to check it out
i was all like ???? you still have it open
he was like yes
Does he have it hidden at the very least?
I would have an issue with this as well, and I see where you are coming from. Ask him to print out the messages or make screen shots and save them in a word document, leaving no reason to keep the account active. If he refuses, maybe you need to sit down and have a chat about it and why else he's keeping it up.0 -
I've been seeing my Girlfriend since June and only recently REMEMBERED that I had any accounts. I disabled the ones I could (some of them make you jump through hoops) and blocked emails from them all. She saw the emails a while ago and didn't really care as they were all unread.
Did you overreact? Maybe. Are men forgetful and sometimes slow to work out what little things annoy you women folk? Definitely.0 -
Darling, inquire about it in a nice way, ask him to why?...and if the answer is anything but of course I'll turn it off....throw him back!0
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I hate to break it to you sweetheart....but sometimes guys don't really think outside the lines like we do...they have an account, and that's that. They don't always *think* oh yeah, I could cancel this...sometimes they need a gentle reminder ;-) I'm sure it's harmless though, and something that can easily be worked out...
^^^^ Kinda my thoughts... ^^^^
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I agree with this also! And if he just came out and said that he still has it open I don't think he's trying to hide anything.0 -
I randomly asked him when did we start talking
he gave me a date
im like lol dude how did u remember that
he was like i went on my profile to check it out
i was all like ???? you still have it open
he was like yes
Is his account still 'open'? As in he can go back in to see the messages you exchanged but others can't see his profile?
Or is his account still 'active'? as in others on the site can still see his profile and send him messages?
If his account is open to only himself and other women can't see it and respond to it, I wouldn't have a problem with it.
But if his account is still active, other women can see it, and send him messages, which he can then respond to... yeah, I'd have a problem with that.0 -
I don't think you did. By what I have been told by "the youngsters" why have one girl friend (or lover) when you can have two or three! You have a tiff, and he has a place to go for sympathy!
Look for other clues that you are possibly one of several that he is seeing, then decide what you are going to do.0 -
How did you find out his accounts were still open? Were you snooping behind his back?
I randomly asked him when did we start talking
he gave me a date
im like lol dude how did u remember that
he was like i went on my profile to check it out
i was all like ???? you still have it open
he was like yes
I hate to break it to you sweetheart....but sometimes guys don't really think outside the lines like we do...they have an account, and that's that. They don't always *think* oh yeah, I could cancel this...sometimes they need a gentle reminder ;-) I'm sure it's harmless though, and something that can easily be worked out...
Agree with this. I think you're overreacting a little bit.0 -
I am more worried about his reaction. He shouldn't have a tiff if you say, if he still has his, then you'll reactivate yours. Maybe it's time for the dreaded relationship talk. Sit him down and make clear that you are both equal in this relationship, so what goes for one, goes for the other. Then wor out what you expect from each other as your base for a stable relationship.
It's unlikely that he forgot that he had an account, there is a likeliness that he was dopey enough to keep it up because he wants to read the messages, to be true ^^. But as said, work together on the ground rules for this relationship, then go from there0 -
My guy and I still both have ours open and we have been together for 4 years, We can look at out friend's posts on there (my sister often sends me profiles to preview for her), we send each other winks and pickups from time to time to be cute. Neither of us is trolling and neither is worried because we have a great, honest, and loving relationship.0
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underreacted0
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I think you overreacted. If he's not using them to meet people, then who cares? And if he is using them to meet people, what makes you think he wouldn't be looking for new partners offline as well? Either trust him or don't trust him.
That said, if its a huge deal to you, and he won't close them, then perhaps you two aren't as compatible as you thought.0 -
I would have been upset, but then again I do like to overreact myself. Honestly most guys just dont think that far into it. In fact I probably wouldnt either. I would just not log into it anymore rather than actually giving it the thought to go ahead and get rid of it.0
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Well stated. I agree.I think you overreacted. If he's not using them to meet people, then who cares? And if he is using them to meet people, what makes you think he wouldn't be looking for new partners offline as well? Either trust him or don't trust him.
That said, if its a huge deal to you, and he won't close them, then perhaps you two aren't as compatible as you thought.0 -
I know someone who was going through something similar. She kept it open for no real reason but her boyfriend and her friends felt it was bad to keep it open since she was in a relationship with for 3 years and counting. I personally don't see much of a problem with it, just have access to each others accounts if it bothers you that much. If you deactivate yours and he didn't but then has a problem with you saying you'll reactivate yours, then there seems to be some type of problem there. It's a bit of a double standard it seems like, oo I can have it open but you can't type of thing. If there is still an issue maybe you need to consider taking a break or something more.0
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I think you may have overreacted at first. Leaving the account open is not necessarily a big deal. But, he refused to close the account once he knew how much it bothered you, and that does seem like a problem.0
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I am more worried about his reaction. He shouldn't have a tiff if you say, if he still has his, then you'll reactivate yours. Maybe it's time for the dreaded relationship talk. Sit him down and make clear that you are both equal in this relationship, so what goes for one, goes for the other. Then wor out what you expect from each other as your base for a stable relationship.
It's unlikely that he forgot that he had an account, there is a likeliness that he was dopey enough to keep it up because he wants to read the messages, to be true ^^. But as said, work together on the ground rules for this relationship, then go from there
I'm sorry to say this but I think there is a huge difference between him never deactivating his, for whatever reason it may be, and you threatening to reactivate yours. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be a little miffed, I agree that it sucks he left it up but he is a guy and they don't think about relationship stuff the same way that we do. Things that are very important to us may barely cross the back of their minds. Having said that, I think you giving him an ultimatum (and before you argue - yes that is precisely what you did, whether you meant to or not) that he either takes his down or you will keep your options open for other men is an overreaction on your part. If I were in this situation, I would sit him down and tell him how it makes you feel. Crappy. If you come at him without anger his reaction will probably be a lot different than the first time.0
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