Did i overreact?

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13

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  • Butterfly3730
    Butterfly3730 Posts: 220
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    It's been three months. Now if it had been a year, that's a different story. I think at three months it's more important to just watch each other and see how each does things on their own, rather than trying to change each other's behaviors. If it were me, I would have just filed away the knowledge for a while and then checked back in after a few more months to see if it was still open. If so, I would just ask about it in a non-confrontational way and see what his point of view on the issue was. But if he decides to acquiesce to your viewpoint on how he conducts his business, wouldn't you rather that it was something he did voluntarily and not something you had to throw a hissy fit to get him to do?

    It's a little late for this particular instance I guess, since you have already reacted. But if you get another chance to deal with an issue that you two obviously have different expectations about, I'd step back and just let him deal with it himself on his own terms, rather than trying to force actions that you consider appropriate. See what he does and whether or not you can live with it. Talk about it without demands, retaliation threats, or tears. You don't want to get into a routine where he never knows how to act and you have to tell him so that he can avoid upsetting you. If the two of you operate that differently, better to just find out early and cut your losses than to drag it out. On the other hand, if you give him a chance to do it his way, he may surprise you in a wonderful way.

    Great advice!
  • bbrobi2
    bbrobi2 Posts: 6 Member
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    Dina1990, I am sorry you guys are having problems :cry: and hope you'll work things out. I want you to consider this. He told you the dating profile was open, he could have lied to you. But he didn't. Which leds me to believe he's being honest about waiting to keep the messages you guys shared. I know I have a hard time deleting text messages between my lover and myself, They are like pictures, reminding me of when. It's all about TRUST. Do you trust him? Dating profile or not, if he wanted to talk to someone else, he can simply do it at work, at the gym or on the streets. He got upset bc he knows his actions are innocent, are yours?
    Talk to him when you guys have calm down. Wish you the best.
  • cllmetatrsld
    cllmetatrsld Posts: 58 Member
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    My ex did the same thing actually. He kept his profiles open, said he didn't use them. Well then almost a year later I find out that he HAD been using them to chat up girls. He said he never MET any of them...but regardless. His dating profile said single and he was chatting up girls that were interested in him. I was very upset and he was trying to tell me it was no big deal because he never met any of them. To me, that's a form of emotional cheating. If you have to look for girls for any reason...clearly the relationship isn't working out. But that was my situation where we had been together for almost a year. 3 months is a little different as there is still room for forgiveness...especially if he isn't using them. But you can usually tell if they are active as the profile will tell you the last time they were online.
  • kerrydj
    kerrydj Posts: 2
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    I don't think you over reacted at all! He shouldn'#t have the accounts open if he is in a relationship with you.
  • Bikini27
    Bikini27 Posts: 1,298 Member
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    How did you find out his accounts were still open? Were you snooping behind his back?


    I randomly asked him when did we start talking
    he gave me a date

    im like lol dude how did u remember that

    he was like i went on my profile to check it out

    i was all like ???? you still have it open

    he was like yes

    Does he have it hidden at the very least?
    I would have an issue with this as well, and I see where you are coming from. Ask him to print out the messages or make screen shots and save them in a word document, leaving no reason to keep the account active. If he refuses, maybe you need to sit down and have a chat about it and why else he's keeping it up.
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
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    I've been seeing my Girlfriend since June and only recently REMEMBERED that I had any accounts. I disabled the ones I could (some of them make you jump through hoops) and blocked emails from them all. She saw the emails a while ago and didn't really care as they were all unread.

    Did you overreact? Maybe. Are men forgetful and sometimes slow to work out what little things annoy you women folk? Definitely.
  • Nala335
    Nala335 Posts: 38 Member
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    Darling, inquire about it in a nice way, ask him to why?...and if the answer is anything but of course I'll turn it off....throw him back!
  • chipschipstl
    chipschipstl Posts: 20
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    I hate to break it to you sweetheart....but sometimes guys don't really think outside the lines like we do...they have an account, and that's that. They don't always *think* oh yeah, I could cancel this...sometimes they need a gentle reminder ;-) I'm sure it's harmless though, and something that can easily be worked out...

    ^^^^ Kinda my thoughts... ^^^^
    [/quote]

    I agree with this also! And if he just came out and said that he still has it open I don't think he's trying to hide anything.
  • hkulbacki
    hkulbacki Posts: 187 Member
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    I randomly asked him when did we start talking
    he gave me a date

    im like lol dude how did u remember that

    he was like i went on my profile to check it out

    i was all like ???? you still have it open

    he was like yes

    Is his account still 'open'? As in he can go back in to see the messages you exchanged but others can't see his profile?

    Or is his account still 'active'? as in others on the site can still see his profile and send him messages?

    If his account is open to only himself and other women can't see it and respond to it, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

    But if his account is still active, other women can see it, and send him messages, which he can then respond to... yeah, I'd have a problem with that.
  • soulwarder
    soulwarder Posts: 21
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    I don't think you did. By what I have been told by "the youngsters" why have one girl friend (or lover) when you can have two or three! You have a tiff, and he has a place to go for sympathy!

    Look for other clues that you are possibly one of several that he is seeing, then decide what you are going to do.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
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    How did you find out his accounts were still open? Were you snooping behind his back?


    I randomly asked him when did we start talking
    he gave me a date

    im like lol dude how did u remember that

    he was like i went on my profile to check it out

    i was all like ???? you still have it open

    he was like yes

    I hate to break it to you sweetheart....but sometimes guys don't really think outside the lines like we do...they have an account, and that's that. They don't always *think* oh yeah, I could cancel this...sometimes they need a gentle reminder ;-) I'm sure it's harmless though, and something that can easily be worked out...

    Agree with this. I think you're overreacting a little bit.
  • CouchSpud
    CouchSpud Posts: 557 Member
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    I am more worried about his reaction. He shouldn't have a tiff if you say, if he still has his, then you'll reactivate yours. Maybe it's time for the dreaded relationship talk. Sit him down and make clear that you are both equal in this relationship, so what goes for one, goes for the other. Then wor out what you expect from each other as your base for a stable relationship.

    It's unlikely that he forgot that he had an account, there is a likeliness that he was dopey enough to keep it up because he wants to read the messages, to be true ^^. But as said, work together on the ground rules for this relationship, then go from there
  • lunula76
    lunula76 Posts: 38
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    My guy and I still both have ours open and we have been together for 4 years, We can look at out friend's posts on there (my sister often sends me profiles to preview for her), we send each other winks and pickups from time to time to be cute. Neither of us is trolling and neither is worried because we have a great, honest, and loving relationship.
  • chelleymarie88
    chelleymarie88 Posts: 775
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    underreacted
  • hexrei
    hexrei Posts: 163
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    I think you overreacted. If he's not using them to meet people, then who cares? And if he is using them to meet people, what makes you think he wouldn't be looking for new partners offline as well? Either trust him or don't trust him.

    That said, if its a huge deal to you, and he won't close them, then perhaps you two aren't as compatible as you thought.
  • tataliciousd89
    tataliciousd89 Posts: 465
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    I would have been upset, but then again I do like to overreact myself. Honestly most guys just dont think that far into it. In fact I probably wouldnt either. I would just not log into it anymore rather than actually giving it the thought to go ahead and get rid of it.
  • tataliciousd89
    tataliciousd89 Posts: 465
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    I think you overreacted. If he's not using them to meet people, then who cares? And if he is using them to meet people, what makes you think he wouldn't be looking for new partners offline as well? Either trust him or don't trust him.

    That said, if its a huge deal to you, and he won't close them, then perhaps you two aren't as compatible as you thought.
    Well stated. I agree.
  • Savyna
    Savyna Posts: 789 Member
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    I know someone who was going through something similar. She kept it open for no real reason but her boyfriend and her friends felt it was bad to keep it open since she was in a relationship with for 3 years and counting. I personally don't see much of a problem with it, just have access to each others accounts if it bothers you that much. If you deactivate yours and he didn't but then has a problem with you saying you'll reactivate yours, then there seems to be some type of problem there. It's a bit of a double standard it seems like, oo I can have it open but you can't type of thing. If there is still an issue maybe you need to consider taking a break or something more.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
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    I think you may have overreacted at first. Leaving the account open is not necessarily a big deal. But, he refused to close the account once he knew how much it bothered you, and that does seem like a problem.
  • SDkitty
    SDkitty Posts: 446 Member
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    I am more worried about his reaction. He shouldn't have a tiff if you say, if he still has his, then you'll reactivate yours. Maybe it's time for the dreaded relationship talk. Sit him down and make clear that you are both equal in this relationship, so what goes for one, goes for the other. Then wor out what you expect from each other as your base for a stable relationship.

    It's unlikely that he forgot that he had an account, there is a likeliness that he was dopey enough to keep it up because he wants to read the messages, to be true ^^. But as said, work together on the ground rules for this relationship, then go from there

    I'm sorry to say this but I think there is a huge difference between him never deactivating his, for whatever reason it may be, and you threatening to reactivate yours. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be a little miffed, I agree that it sucks he left it up but he is a guy and they don't think about relationship stuff the same way that we do. Things that are very important to us may barely cross the back of their minds. Having said that, I think you giving him an ultimatum (and before you argue - yes that is precisely what you did, whether you meant to or not) that he either takes his down or you will keep your options open for other men is an overreaction on your part. If I were in this situation, I would sit him down and tell him how it makes you feel. Crappy. If you come at him without anger his reaction will probably be a lot different than the first time.

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