Very Difficult Decision...Any Insight?

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  • kellicrandall
    kellicrandall Posts: 24
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    I am so sorry to hear this. I will pray for your family. I have been in the position of my Dad being removed from life support at the age of 57, so I truly understand your grief. I am also a social worker in a hospital and my primary assignment is oncology. I will say that there will come the time that you will KNOW what to do and you will be at peace with it. There is no rush to decide your next step. If Hospice is available to you, it would be well worth it to explore that option if you have not already. It is a beautiful program.

    Take care,

    Sincerely,

    Kelli
  • Jenthin
    Jenthin Posts: 65 Member
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    Love you response...what a great heart you have to share with the world! :D
    :flowerforyou:
  • scoyne999
    scoyne999 Posts: 59 Member
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    I was in the same situation when my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer and passed away six weeks later. She was in home-based hospice for about a month and I have to agree with another poster about keeping her comfortable until she passes naturally. Morpheine really helped keep her comfortable and totally pain-free. She passed away in her own home surrounded by family. It was a painless and comfortable way to go and it was what she wanted. There was no way she was going to get better.

    I wish you peace with your decision. Hugs...
  • donnam40
    donnam40 Posts: 246 Member
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    My heart goes out to you.

    We have been through this with my mother-in-law, father-in-law and grandmother (all within 2 years).

    A friend who had also been through it said to us not to believe it when people tell you that you'll feel better because they are no longer suffering and he was so right. When they are gone, they are gone forever and there is no turning back. If you are going to do this make sure you are completely ready and all of the right people have had the opportunity to say good bye. Resolve yourself to the finality of it.

    My husband still has not been able to grieve properly 3 years later. It has been a tough time for the family. Be ready for it.

    Take care of you in all of this and make sure you do what is right for your family.

    Love and thoughts to you,

    Donna
  • mikebudd
    mikebudd Posts: 26 Member
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    I had a similar situation with both of my parents. My father was first. At the age of 90, his kidneys failed. Even though I am the youngest of 6 children, the decision of what to do was left to me. I opted, against the doctors and hospital's recommendation, to place him on dialysis. The result was for the best. He responded to the treatment and lived another 4 happy years. At the age of 94, however, his health started to deteriorate, and he was in pain munch of the time, cause by other problems combined with the dialysis treatments.

    I sat down with my parents and told my father that he could quit dialysis if he desired. The result would end if life if he chose to stop, but it would be fairly painless. He asked me to have his priest come visit him and, after talking to the priest and my mother, he made the decision to stop treatment.. I contacted our local hospice and the rest of the family. My father passed away four days later.

    My mother started to have problems the following year.. She was in and out of the hospital with frequent infections, high fevers, and loss of consciousness. I again got hospice involved. My mother was 89 at the time and I again had a decision to make. Hospice recommended not to hospitalize my mother, but to medicate her to alleviate pain and to allow her to pass on. I had trouble accepting this because between infections she was fine. We were lucky. I hospitalized her and one of the doctors worked very hard to find the cause of her recurrent infections and found a drug that worked to end them. My mother is now 92 and doing very well.

    Being in the position I have been in has taught me to try to help were there is truly hope, but to be willing to allow the inevitable to occur as easily as possible when the time comes. It is hard to make the decision to allow a loved one to move on, but I think you know when that time comes. It doesn't make it easy to accept, though. I still tear up when I remember talking to my father.

    Good luck with your decision.
  • TubbsMcGee
    TubbsMcGee Posts: 1,058 Member
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    This is probably the most difficult decision anyone in their entire life will have to make.

    When I was 16, my mother was faced with the same decision. I was really the only person who seemed to get along with my grandma and willingly spend a lot of time with her. Days before my birthday, my parents agreed to let me move in with her permanently after I had turned 16. Of course, the day of my birthday, she was at home alone, fell, broke her hip and was sent to the hospital, where they then diagnosed her with cancer, telling her it was incurable and she only had a few days to live. My mom and aunt made the decision to take her off life support before I had a chance to say goodbye. I've never forgiven either of them because of this. They always tried to tell me that yes, it was for the best and she was no longer in pain, but I just wish I could have spent more time with her.

    But in turn, this also makes me feel kind of selfish.

    I imagine you've discussed this with other family members...and of course your decision is most likely going to be to keep her alive. I'm not trying to be rude in the least bit, but after 7 years of me dealing with my grandma's death, there comes a point where you have to put yourself in their shoes and wonder if it's alright to keep them alive and watch them struggle to breath on their own. The last 3 days of my grandma being hooked up to all of those tubes...it was really hard to watch. And I almost wish I hadn't seen her like that, it sort of sullies the memories in a way.

    Either way, as difficult of a time as it is, I'm sure you'll do what's best for everyone.

    My heart goes out to you, your family, and everyone near and dear to yourself and your mother
  • Kelekat
    Kelekat Posts: 174 Member
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    I had to make the decision to remove my mother from life support. She was only 62 years old. It was the worst, most difficult decision I've ever had to make. She died just a few minutes later.

    My heart hurts for you. There is no easy way around what you will have to go through.

    My wish for you is peace and understanding.
  • xokelxo
    xokelxo Posts: 13
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    My family went through this three years ago. A child in our immediate family was born under stressful circumstances. She was only a few days old when we made the decision to let her go. We were told that if we had kept her with us, that she would have survived, but that she would never live the way we would want her to, and the way she should live. I can say as a family, we struggled and it was absolutely the most difficult thing that has ever happened to any of us. Personally, I will never let go, and she never leaves my mind. Even though she was only a few days old, it is still family. I wont tell you its easy, it isnt. Those few weeks were more sadness and pain than I could have imagined before, but now I believe we are all at peace knowing that letting her go was the right decision. Today, I feel just as close to her as I did the day I held her hand when she was born. Please know, that I share the story to hopefully help you to know that it will be so difficult for you, but think of her as well. I wish you the best wishes possible moving forward with your decision. I am sorry that you are in this position, and I encourage you to lean on your family. It will be okay.
  • Teliooo
    Teliooo Posts: 725 Member
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    my friend's dad had a very rare form of cancer, much like your mothers. In the end they let him go peacefully at home. He tried so many treatments but in the end it was the best way.
  • fiberartist219
    fiberartist219 Posts: 1,865 Member
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    Did your mother have a living will that would say what SHE would want done in these circumstances. Usually that is part of the package of documents drafted by the attorney along with the power of attorney and will, etc... Hopefully there is a document that spells out what she wants, and you can just follow that to the letter. Barring that, keep her comfortable and do what you THINK she would want you to do. Have you had conversations with her about it? I am sorry you are going through this. One day at a time. :flowerforyou:

    We have had conversations...she told me she wanted to fight until she couldn't anymore...but now I don't even know if I understand what that means. Her living will basically states that the decision would be mine if there came a time when she was incapable of making decisions on her own. I'm just at a loss...my brother wants to keep her alive, regardless of how much pain she's in. My grandmother doesn't want her in pain anymore...I just don't know what to do.

    If there really is no chance of her regaining any of her abilities, then it might be time to let go, but if there is a chance that she can wake up and talk to you again, I'm sure she'd want that opportunity, even if she can't get up and run a household again. I would think that the chance to fight would mean she can do something, anything, on her own. If she can speak or give you a cute little wink, that might be enough for her. If she can't be awake at all or breathe on her own, then the fight might be over.

    I know my grandpa was battling Alzheimer's for decades, and my grandma had to do everything for him. He couldn't speak, and he couldn't take care of himself, but he did mumble things at us and give us little expressions on his face that made me able to get to know him a little bit. He was a fun guy, even if he didn't have the abilities that the rest of the family remembered him with.

    My family has talks like this from time to time. My grandmother says that she doesn't want to be hooked up to machines and if she can't function on her own, she wants us to let her pass on. I'm pretty sure I won't be her POA or guardian though.

    Whatever you decide, you should not second guess yourself. Everyone will have their own opinions on this, and you will never please the entire family. Whether she lives or dies, it's not your fault, it's the cancer's fault. It seems like a lot of responsibility to make decisions for someone else, but honestly, nature is a powerful force that sometimes we can't overcome.

    I'm sorry that you are in a spot to make this decision, but at the same time, you will always know that she loves you and trusts you. Whatever you decide, I'm sure she would fully support.
  • CallmeSbo
    CallmeSbo Posts: 611 Member
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    **Lots of hugs to you**
  • jillyt85
    jillyt85 Posts: 161 Member
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    I am so sorry for what you are going through. I obviously cannot tell you what to do, but I know what I would WANT to do and what I would ACTUALLY do. Had you talked to your mom about what she would want beforehand? I know I would want to keep my mom on life support forever, but she has made it very clear to me, that if that situation ever comes up, she doesn't want to be kept on it. She doesn't feel that that is living at all. Again, I can't tell you what you should do, but I will pray for you. I don't know if you believe in prayer, but even if you don't, good thoughts help, right?
  • nursing06
    nursing06 Posts: 8
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    What a difficult place to be. I am a nurse in a critical care unit. What I tell my patient's family is to sit with your loved one and think about what THEY would want. Hold her hand, even if she can't talk or communicate with you. While sitting beside her, in the silence, the answer will come. As difficult as it is, it comes down to that one question. Sometimes letting someone you love go peacefully and pain free is the greatest gift you can give them.

    Something to remember, too, is that your mother made you the person to make this type of decision because she trust that you will do what she wants. It is hard when other family members have conflicting opinions but it is about your mom, not them, not you.

    I hope I helped. Good luck. I'll be thinking of you.
    Trish
  • stuckinlimbo1100
    stuckinlimbo1100 Posts: 27
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    I watched my mother fight a long battle.
    She was in a peaceful place after her last breath.
    I'm so sorry to hear this. I know it's sad and it's one of the hardest things to deal with.

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