Very Difficult Decision...Any Insight?

I have a very difficult decision to make. For the past 9 months, my mother, who is my best friend, has been battling a very rare form of Cancer that only 1-3 people worldwide are diagnosed with each year. It's reached a point where she has lost about 80% of her brain functionality, and is essentially on life support.

I was contacted by her attorney this morning, and she had apparently named me the one to be in charge of making decisions if it ever reached a point where she no longer could...which is now. Her doctors want to start treatment, ease her pain, and basically give up. When she was diagnosed, we were told she would have a month, tops. That was nine months ago. She made more strides than anyone thought possible, but now nothing seems to help.

I'm a wreck. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever see myself in a position like this. I don't want my mom to die. I have seen how hard she has fought, and how strong she has been, and the selfish side of me wants to keep fighting. But then I look at her, connected to all these tubes, unable to keep her eyes open, unaware of who I even am, and all I want is for her to not be in pain anymore.

My question is, has anyone else ever been in a position like this? I know this is a strange place to be asking, but I know that there are people on this site who are all in different places in their lives, and who have been through many different things. If you were ever in a position like this...what did you do? How did you make the decision? How did you feel after making a decision like this? Any insight would be much appreciated. I'm sitting by her bed right now...they want a decision in the next 24 hours and I just don't know where else to turn...

Let me first say that you are so strong and brave.

We went through this with my grandmother who was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer in December of 2010. She passed March 31, 2011. At the time she was diagnosed, she was of sound mind and judgement, legally speaking, though distraught (obviously). By February, she was incoherent. The tumors had spread all over her body and into her brain. We decided to continue to support her as much as possible and provide pallative care to ease her pain as much as possible instead of pushing for radiation or chemo to just prolong her life.

You are in a position that is incredibly difficult, however, a decision must be made and soon. I think you need to sit down with your remaining family who is close to your mother and discuss your options. If she is terminal, which is sounds like she is, your job now is to honor her wishes about this situation. Would she want to live this way? Would she want to have pallative care and no more? These are not easy questions to answer, and you need as much support from your family as you can get right now. I had to make a lot of the decisions for my grandmother because no one else in the family cared too much about it. It was horrible, but I don't regret giving her as much comfort as I could before she passed. Obviously, your situation is different, so the decision you make may be different.

You will be in my thoughts. You are a brave and strong person. Your mom had a lot of faith in you by putting this decision in your control. She's trusted you with her wellbeing and her life, and that is something incredible right there. That says just how much she loves and trusts you to do the right thing. I know you'll make the best decision for her if you follow your heart and her wishes. Always remember that though life ends for us all, it's the joy we share with each other while we are here that matters the most. Hold onto that and cherish your memories of her throughout this process.

Cancer is an evil disease that takes so much from so many. *hugs*

You and your family are in my prayers. I have faith (as your mother does) that you will make the right choice.

I am so sorry -

If she chose you to make the decisions for her -not your brother or your grandmother - it was because she had faith that you would know what was best.

Follow your heart and you will have done what she wanted.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I just went through this in November and it's still very raw, but I'd like to offer my opinion. My dad was diagnosed a bit over 2 years ago with stage 4 lung cancer. He fought so hard and after several months, we thought we beat it! There was no sign of the tumors or anything. He was getting better and better all the way up til about March last year. He seemed to just not be getting better or worse until July, then started to declie again very quickly. It was confirmed his cancer was back in October and he was given 5 or 6 months. We were hoping he would fight and hold out for my sister's wedding this July, but he was tired and there was no more money for treatments. I saw him late October, and then suddenly almost 2 weeks later my sister called me because he was in the hospital and it was a few days at most til the end. My brother, sister and I sat with him for 2 days. Several hours of the second day were spent with just me and dad, him being very confused and uncomfortable. So much so that he knew my name but didn't realize I was the face that went with it. His last words to me were a screamed plead to go home and I had to hold him in bed until a nurse could come and give him more medicine. I would have much rather had him go quickly so I didn't have to sit and wait for it to happen, and have him be so confused and miserable.

My dad always made it clear that he didn't want us to fuss with machines or anything ro keep him alive, but I know now after watching him go through that, that if it was up to me I would do whatever it takes to make it as painless as possible for him. The hospice nurses tried to keep him as physically comfortable as possible, but he was clearly not himself. It was painful enough to watch without him actually being in pain.

This is such a hard thing, but I hope you can make the hard choice to make it easier on your mom if she's past the point of help. And your family will be there for you and each other to make it through the aftermath.

I honestly have nothing to add as far as advice, but wanted you to know how sorry am I you have to go through this.

I am so sorry

May God give you strength to go thru this !!

Sorry you are going through this. I just went through it in April 2011. However my father had extensive talks with me and my brothers regarding what he wanted and what he didn't want and in his case he did not want to living on machines. Ultimately my oldest brother was power of attorney and made the call but we all agreed on it. It was rough, it still is but we can have peace in our decision because we knew it was what he wanted.

Sweetheart....I am so very sorry for you all. You are in my Prayers. ♥ I can only imagine how you and your family must be feeling right now I have been a Hospice Nurse for nearly 5 years now and have had the HONOR of holding many hands as they left this world. For me, it is a privilege to share such a tender difficult time with a family and their loved one. Sweetie, one very important thing to remember is that your relationship with you mom is yours and yours alone. No one....not even family can full understand or know what your going through except God above ♥ Your bother and grandmother have to find their own peace as well...you can not do that for them. All you can do is try to communicate with each other in an as open and honest and tenderly respectful way as possible, durning this highly emotional time in your lives...keeping in mind that each of you are suffering your own way. Your special relationship with you precious mom is individual and unique for just the to two of you;) Search your heart dear....you know her, you know her heart and how she often thought and felt about many things....so ask yourself the hard questions:( You may already know the answer in your own heart now ♥ I am also really feeling for your brother as well....seems he may have some unfinished business with his mom and is in alot of pain also. Is she responsive at all sweetie? Only you know that answers to the questions honey, and based on what you have expressed of your own special uniquely made relationships with your dear mother...your love for her will be in whatever choice you make ♥
[{(((Big Hug)))}]
I praying for peace....God Bless ♥ ♥ ♥

I have been in a similar situation. My mom had lung cancer. My father was dragging her to chemo treatments( he couldn't let go either) when she was lack for a better work out of her mind. She didn't know who anyone was and she couldn't function anymore. I called the doctor and said she couldn't be dragged for therapy (she could not walk) and asked if it was helping at all? He told me to tell my father to quit and pretty much hung up. I had to tell my dad to call hospice and let the chemo go. It was the worst thing I had to do. We called in hospice and she died a week later. I hated doing it but I still think it was the best to let her go. I think they need their dignity and peace. This was my opinion only. It was very hard and took me a while to get over but I still think it was the right thing to do. I think my mother would agree. I wish you strength and peace with your decision. Add me as a friend if you wish and if you need support. Whatever decision you make will be the right one. Just know that.

im so sorry to hear about your Mom, its such a hard decision to make.
at the end of the day your Mom trusted you to do what is best for her, it sounds like she has put up a real fight against the cancer, but there comes a point when treatment no longer helps and you just have to be with her, tell her how much you love her and let her go. It will hurt just as bad if you lose her now or in a few months, but at least she will be at peace.

My Nan had a brain tumour in 2005, in October they operated to remove it and said she would make a good recovery with radiotherapy. A month later they found the cancer had spread through her body, they could have continued the treatment to extend her life by a few more months, but she decided she didnt want to spend the last few months of her life in hospital and wanted to die at home with her family. We could have talked her into having more treatment but that would have been for selfish reasons to get more time with her, the McMillan cancer nurse was a great help to us all. My Nan died in December 2005 and those last few weeks she was already gone, she was on constant morphine to ease her pain, it sounds terrible but looking back it would have been better if she never woke up from the surgery and didnt have to go through that

Love you response...what a great heart you have to share with the world!
:flowerforyou:

My heart goes out to you.

We have been through this with my mother-in-law, father-in-law and grandmother (all within 2 years).

A friend who had also been through it said to us not to believe it when people tell you that you'll feel better because they are no longer suffering and he was so right. When they are gone, they are gone forever and there is no turning back. If you are going to do this make sure you are completely ready and all of the right people have had the opportunity to say good bye. Resolve yourself to the finality of it.

My husband still has not been able to grieve properly 3 years later. It has been a tough time for the family. Be ready for it.

Take care of you in all of this and make sure you do what is right for your family.

Love and thoughts to you,

Donna

This is probably the most difficult decision anyone in their entire life will have to make.

When I was 16, my mother was faced with the same decision. I was really the only person who seemed to get along with my grandma and willingly spend a lot of time with her. Days before my birthday, my parents agreed to let me move in with her permanently after I had turned 16. Of course, the day of my birthday, she was at home alone, fell, broke her hip and was sent to the hospital, where they then diagnosed her with cancer, telling her it was incurable and she only had a few days to live. My mom and aunt made the decision to take her off life support before I had a chance to say goodbye. I've never forgiven either of them because of this. They always tried to tell me that yes, it was for the best and she was no longer in pain, but I just wish I could have spent more time with her.

But in turn, this also makes me feel kind of selfish.

I imagine you've discussed this with other family members...and of course your decision is most likely going to be to keep her alive. I'm not trying to be rude in the least bit, but after 7 years of me dealing with my grandma's death, there comes a point where you have to put yourself in their shoes and wonder if it's alright to keep them alive and watch them struggle to breath on their own. The last 3 days of my grandma being hooked up to all of those tubes...it was really hard to watch. And I almost wish I hadn't seen her like that, it sort of sullies the memories in a way.

Either way, as difficult of a time as it is, I'm sure you'll do what's best for everyone.

My heart goes out to you, your family, and everyone near and dear to yourself and your mother

My family went through this three years ago. A child in our immediate family was born under stressful circumstances. She was only a few days old when we made the decision to let her go. We were told that if we had kept her with us, that she would have survived, but that she would never live the way we would want her to, and the way she should live. I can say as a family, we struggled and it was absolutely the most difficult thing that has ever happened to any of us. Personally, I will never let go, and she never leaves my mind. Even though she was only a few days old, it is still family. I wont tell you its easy, it isnt. Those few weeks were more sadness and pain than I could have imagined before, but now I believe we are all at peace knowing that letting her go was the right decision. Today, I feel just as close to her as I did the day I held her hand when she was born. Please know, that I share the story to hopefully help you to know that it will be so difficult for you, but think of her as well. I wish you the best wishes possible moving forward with your decision. I am sorry that you are in this position, and I encourage you to lean on your family. It will be okay.

Did your mother have a living will that would say what SHE would want done in these circumstances. Usually that is part of the package of documents drafted by the attorney along with the power of attorney and will, etc... Hopefully there is a document that spells out what she wants, and you can just follow that to the letter. Barring that, keep her comfortable and do what you THINK she would want you to do. Have you had conversations with her about it? I am sorry you are going through this. One day at a time. :flowerforyou:

We have had conversations...she told me she wanted to fight until she couldn't anymore...but now I don't even know if I understand what that means. Her living will basically states that the decision would be mine if there came a time when she was incapable of making decisions on her own. I'm just at a loss...my brother wants to keep her alive, regardless of how much pain she's in. My grandmother doesn't want her in pain anymore...I just don't know what to do.

If there really is no chance of her regaining any of her abilities, then it might be time to let go, but if there is a chance that she can wake up and talk to you again, I'm sure she'd want that opportunity, even if she can't get up and run a household again. I would think that the chance to fight would mean she can do something, anything, on her own. If she can speak or give you a cute little wink, that might be enough for her. If she can't be awake at all or breathe on her own, then the fight might be over.

I know my grandpa was battling Alzheimer's for decades, and my grandma had to do everything for him. He couldn't speak, and he couldn't take care of himself, but he did mumble things at us and give us little expressions on his face that made me able to get to know him a little bit. He was a fun guy, even if he didn't have the abilities that the rest of the family remembered him with.

My family has talks like this from time to time. My grandmother says that she doesn't want to be hooked up to machines and if she can't function on her own, she wants us to let her pass on. I'm pretty sure I won't be her POA or guardian though.

Whatever you decide, you should not second guess yourself. Everyone will have their own opinions on this, and you will never please the entire family. Whether she lives or dies, it's not your fault, it's the cancer's fault. It seems like a lot of responsibility to make decisions for someone else, but honestly, nature is a powerful force that sometimes we can't overcome.

I'm sorry that you are in a spot to make this decision, but at the same time, you will always know that she loves you and trusts you. Whatever you decide, I'm sure she would fully support.