HELP please! I'm SO upset!

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Replies

  • fteale
    fteale Posts: 5,310 Member
    Now, I know everyone is cursing the boyfriend, but we don't know how long they have been together or their history or anything. My now husband said to me, back when we were 18 that one of the reasons he fancied me was that I was a lot smaller than his ex. I took this as it was meant - he found me more physically attractive than the ex, and there's nothing wrong with that. It didn't make him a jerk. We've been together 16 years now, through 2 babies, through both of us gaining 3 or 4 stone, and me losing it again (he hasn't yet!), and he still tells me I am beautiful every single day, but sure, he wouldn't have found me attractive in the first place if I had been fat back at 18.
  • christina0089
    christina0089 Posts: 709 Member
    Eating out is hard because you never really know whats in the food do you?!?! Thats why it is better to try and prepare your food at home. I am willing to bet that most of the weight gain could have been avoided had you been able to plan and make your own meals. You are obviously staying active with cleaning and fixing the house up. So lack of activity probably is not the issue. You are not working right now so that can also translate into more chances to snack. which again can probably be avoided with proper meal planning so def I would say try and plan and make your own meals in between job hunting,and fixing up your place! but NOT until after you burn some good calories kicking that insensitive tool to the curb! I am Sorry if that hurt your feelings but NO ONE has the right to make us feel inferior in anyway and yet the very person who is supposed to love you is tearing your self image down along with your self esteem no doubt. :explode: grr that just made me angry to read!! He does not deserve you, and you deserve better! :flowerforyou:
  • rufflestx
    rufflestx Posts: 76
    Loose around 160 pounds right off the bat, dump the boyfriend. Then set priorities, you need to take care of business and do what is most important first. If survival itself depends on taking care of the house, do that first. You are well aware of the stress eating you are plagued with, believe in yourself and you try to find other ways to deal with it, and things will look pretty good.

    Now if the boyfriend means a lot to you, next time he says anything about "not being around with a fat person", your comment could be, "size really does matter".
  • MaryB2
    MaryB2 Posts: 331 Member
    Just a different view on the comment your boyfriend made. I have an ex-boyfriend that said that same exact thing to me. He didn't mean that he'd actually leave me if I gained wieght. I had made a comment about getting fat and his response was "I wouldn't be with you if you were fat." Not meaning that he would leave just meaning that he didn't see me that way. It was a silly way to try and comfort me but his intentions were good.

    Again, that is my experience with it and I have no idea what the conversation was like when your BF said it.
  • mixedfeelings
    mixedfeelings Posts: 904 Member
    I'm afraid I'm going to reiterate what everyone else is saying, the boyfriend is the problem if when he said that he was being serious. If a boyfriend said anything like that to me I would be telling him to fup off. If you are busy and eating out a lot it's easy to consume more calories than you realise, I wouldn't worry, my weight fluctuates that much week to week. The most important thing is to make yourself happy, and to try not to stress too much.
  • lisa68m
    lisa68m Posts: 1
    Hey :)

    First, I'll "help". Stress DOES make you gain weight. I would also guess you are not eating lots of smaller healthy meals if you are mostly eating out. I've been a waitress and it was amazing how I could eat and lose weight! The high activity, quick snacks, and positive feedback were great for my weight.

    How to not let stress hurt you if you can NOT avoid the stress? I highly suggest some type of meditation. Lots of studies show that ANY type of quiet meditation reduces stress. I pray or sing praise songs due to my faith but some use yoga like stuff or simply deep breathing exercises with soft nature music and calming thoughts. You need to reduce your stress by getting rid of it before it hurts you. Yeah, easier said than done, mm? Remember to focus on one thing at a time. Make lists. Give yourself positive feedback that you aren't getting from a "job." One moment at a time! You can do it!

    Try to get some snacks for yourself that are low fat but includes healthy protein, carbs, and fiber. Nuts are better than french fries! It's okay if you want some sweets! DO NOT GUILT yourself! It causes stress which will make your body save those calories. If you allow yourself SOME w/o guilt, it won't be as tempting to go overboard. Your likely already know ALL this :)

    I want you to know it is OKAY. If you want to add a bit of exercise to help you lose it, dance while you paint or clean. Enjoy being you even if your life is not as you want it yet.

    Now, your bf? I was married to a man that told me that..... Yeah. Past tense. Ending up being not only emotionally abusive..uh, which that is.. telling you love is only skin deep... IS NOT LOVE FOR YOU but for himself.... If he is so insecure that he doesn't tell you he wants you healthy but actually says he wouldn't be with you or would stop loving you if you were fat--- it is not going to change. It will get worse. I understand how much you love him and think he's fun and wonderful. I thought that husband was as well because he was in his OWN way. He was not healthy for me. Be careful, please? You will get old. You will have wrinkles and your skin will sag. You may have other health issues...cancer or such..that occur later in your life. Will he really love you then if while you are SO GORGEOUS he thinks he has the right to warn you what his love limits are?

    Try to let the fear and guilt go. It will add to your "weight." All those other posts have given great info! And this site is great!

    I am still working on me. Be well! :)
    lisa68m
  • GuruOnAMountain
    GuruOnAMountain Posts: 489 Member
    Just repeating what a lot of people have said, here, but your boyfriend seems like a huge issue.

    I know men can say dumb things sometimes (my boyfriend said to me on one of our first dates when I was wearing a skirt, "You know, you have hugely muscular calves"....eh, thanks. lol) but if what he has said has got your worried then you must think he really means it so I'd definately have a think about things.

    Maybe don't split up with him but speak to him and say, "You know, I was thinking about what you said about leaving me if I were fat and it really upset me." and then seeing how he responds to that. If he says something like, "Yeah, if you put on 30 lbs I'd leave you in a minute." Then he's DEFINATELY not a keeper. I mean, what if you and him ended up married and having kids and you put on weight during pregnancy or if you ended up sick and putting on weight because of not being able to move around and exercise as much. Would you need to be thinking at the back of your mind about how your husband was going to leave you because of it? He should love you for who you are, honey.

    And yes, looks do have a lot to do with sexual attraction but I think once you get to know someone and become part of a relationship with them, then suddenly how they look becomes drastically less important than who they are.
  • Mdin1029
    Mdin1029 Posts: 456 Member
    Sounds like the only thing you need to lose is your boyfriend! Don't worry about the weight. Get your ducks in a row, focus on employment, and when the time is right you can focus on losing body fat if you need to. In the meantime, you're active in fixing up your house. When you go out to eat, always bring back leftovers. :)

    I agree, dont be with a guy that says that.
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
    HUH?
    Why is everybody down on the bf?
    He told you the truth. Be glad.
    Use that to motivate you. Truth is not all unicorns and rainbows.
    Fat is unattractive, and that's reality.

    My wife disclosed to me that I was not attractive fat. Our bodies are the one thing we have 100% control of, so get to it.
    I'd rather have honesty than somebody too nice to tell me what I need to hear.
    I was FAT! My wife married a guy in peak condition, then watched as I ballooned after an accident.
    Love is never unconditional. That's just a lie - only true in romance books.
    The message you're getting here is not the right medicine that will prepare you for reality.
    The world is as it is - not how we wish it could be.
    Take ownership of your health now while you're young; it only gets harder as we age.

    Good Luck.
  • astrampe
    astrampe Posts: 2,169 Member
    HUH?
    Why is everybody down on the bf?
    He told you the truth. Be glad.
    Use that to motivate you. Truth is not all unicorns and rainbows.
    Fat is unattractive, and that's reality.
    5lbs of extra weight is not fat! Instead of being supportive while she is in a stressfull situation, he is being an *kitten*....If he is concerned about her weight, why not help out by making healthy dinners or something....
  • beckylawrence70
    beckylawrence70 Posts: 752 Member
    It's not hard at all to gain 5 lbs in a couple of weeks, are u kidding?
  • Contrarian
    Contrarian Posts: 8,138 Member
    Maybe she was complaining about being fat, and in order to reassure her, he said that if she was fat he wouldn't be with her.

    Let's all calm down.

    OP, don't give up. Keep hitting your calorie target and you'll be fine. Don't eat too much, but don't eat too little.
  • milaxx
    milaxx Posts: 1,122 Member
    I gotta call BS on the "best thing that ever happened to you" saying that he'll leave you if you're fat.

    Take a deep breath and come up with a game plan to eat better. Google for eating on a budget, there are loads of sites.

    I know it can get overwhelming when you're unemployed, but you can do this.
  • mixedfeelings
    mixedfeelings Posts: 904 Member
    HUH?
    Why is everybody down on the bf?
    He told you the truth. Be glad.
    Use that to motivate you. Truth is not all unicorns and rainbows.
    Fat is unattractive, and that's reality.

    Yes but her boyfriend not being attracted to her shouldn't be the reason to lose weight, she is having a rough time, and it's just a few lbs, what if she had been in an accident, confined to bed for months and gained triple that or more, a good partner would be by your side and not threatening to leave you. Attractiveness goes beyond looks.
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    I'm sorry to be going against the majority opinion, but leave the poor guy alone. The way I read it was that he doesn't believe his girlfriend to be fat. The OP telling you he laughs when she tells him she's gained is a good indication in my eye that he doesn't really care about that.

    I would advise to stop worrying about that, and focus on getting your life back in order. Get your eating sorted out and the weight will soon drop back off.
  • DevanEve
    DevanEve Posts: 130
    Your boyfriend needs a penis punch. Toss him out along with your scale!

    Well put! I can't even imagine my boyfriend saying something like that to me. It's one thing to express your concerns to your partner about their weight gain, etc. but to say you would leave them because they got fat - nope nope nope.

    Also, stress can actually help with weight gain. Try to relax with the scale and weigh again in 2 weeks if you need to weigh yourself. I weigh myself once a week but sometimes when I need extra motivation I skip one and wait so I can see a big loss. :)
  • nishaaa
    nishaaa Posts: 2
    Just relax.. your bf was probably joking, me and my bf we have piled on the kilos a few times in our relationship over the years but neither of us left the relationship. we just laughed about it and made fun of each other's muffin top etc but we just got on and lost the weight with regular exercise and eating healthy when we are out... just go easy on the carbo and go for jogs around the block followed by some squats/ planks/ crunches in the evenings and you should be good.. shouldn't take more than an hour in a day..
  • busyblkgirl
    busyblkgirl Posts: 264 Member
    What freaks me out the most is my BF has said "If you were fat, we wouldn't be together".... so I'm concerned I'm going to lose him on top of all of the **** I've been going through lately, & I'm pretty sure he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. He laughs when I say I've gained a bit... but NOW? You can actually SEE it.


    I'm pretty sure if he's saying this, then he's not the best thing that ever happened to you. Matter of fact, I think he's just the opposite of the best thing that ever happened to you. Without really knowing you, I can tell you that one of the best things that ever happened to you was the day you decided to make a positive change in your life, and signed on to a community who will support you to become the person you want to be. Remember chic, ya gotta love yourself first.
  • GuruOnAMountain
    GuruOnAMountain Posts: 489 Member
    HUH?
    Why is everybody down on the bf?
    He told you the truth. Be glad.
    Use that to motivate you. Truth is not all unicorns and rainbows.
    Fat is unattractive, and that's reality.

    My wife disclosed to me that I was not attractive fat. Our bodies are the one thing we have 100% control of, so get to it.
    I'd rather have honesty than somebody too nice to tell me what I need to hear.
    I was FAT! My wife married a guy in peak condition, then watched as I ballooned after an accident.
    Love is never unconditional. That's just a lie - only true in romance books.
    The message you're getting here is not the right medicine that will prepare you for reality.
    The world is as it is - not how we wish it could be.
    Take ownership of your health now while you're young; it only gets harder as we age.

    Good Luck.

    I think the key point here is that your wife found you unattractive when fat but she didn't leave you or threaten to leave you. Love was more than skin deep for her. Perhaps this is just one of those differences between men and women because I know that men are more visual but certainly I know that I, myself, and loads of my friends have had crushes on guys that were fat before just because they had great personalities. Women do seem a bit more inclined to fall for personality in a long-term or potential long-term relationship more so than looks. Maybe that's why so many of the women here are getting upset because to them it is a rediculous thing to say that if your partner were fat, you'd leave them.
  • zoominzozo
    zoominzozo Posts: 92 Member
    Yikes...everyone...have you ever met a man before? Guys say stupid stuff like that in an attempt to make us feel better about ourselves. More than likely he thinks she looks great and truly doesn't notice the 10 pounds. Even some of the MOST shallow guys wouldn't break up with someone over a few pounds. He was probably just kidding around! To the OP, just get back at your routine. LIfe happens. Learn to roll with the punches. Maybe your BF is a jerk, maybe not, but this isn't about him and his opinion of you, it's about you getting a handle on your health while you're still young and able.

    ^^^^ I agree.

    I'm the type of girl who hangs out with guys and 9 outta 10 say stuff like your Boyf. What guys say and do are two completely different things! It's best to ignore and get healthy for the right reasons!
  • MindyG150
    MindyG150 Posts: 1,296 Member
    Sounds like the only thing you need to lose is your boyfriend! Don't worry about the weight. Get your ducks in a row, focus on employment, and when the time is right you can focus on losing body fat if you need to. In the meantime, you're active in fixing up your house. When you go out to eat, always bring back leftovers. :)
    I agree, dump the boyfriend!
  • wells0707
    wells0707 Posts: 251 Member
    Now, for the boyfriend. You're not going to like this and I apologize in advance, but he sounds like a TOOL! You are gorgeous and I'm sure a wonderful person and at 155, you are not fat by any standards unless of course you're 4 feet tall. To say to someone "i won't be with you if you're fat" is a rude, thoughtless, just plain ****ty thing to say. I would say good-bye to him but if that's not an option you should tell him what a hurtful insensitive pig he is.

    Just my two cents. Hang in there. You're OK!
    [/quote]

    What she said...^.^
    [/quote]



    This! Good bye boyfriend!
  • Janice032557
    Janice032557 Posts: 163 Member
    Well, I hate to say it but...I agree with everyone who said to dump the jerk. Right now you need to concentrate on what needs to get done. If he can't be supportive of what your needs are now, he never will. I hope you are never in this situation again, but if it does happen, is he going to be worried about your figure or your frame of mind and health?
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