probs w/ hubby. idk who to turn to need others opinion.
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So it's come to a point where there are daily arguments. Usually financial. But then he's been really controlling and jealous. Last night I worked a graveyard shift and went in uniform ( we didn't have to but I didn't know cuz I have never worked that shift) so it's stocking all night and I took off my uniform shirt with my reasons aside, let me tell u I had a black spaghetti strap under a white "wife beater" no bra was showing, no chest nothing but arms . So he shows up w his buddys to c if I wanna "eat" and sees me thru the window and calls me to tell me I look like a slut... A SLUT... Wtf a slit because I have nothing but an undershirt on working .... (with 3 guys and 1 other girl)
I honestly don't c anything wrong with what I was wearing... But I could just b wrong. So I'm asking for others honest opinions please
I wish someone showed me this when my ex said/did crazy stalker stuff like this. I urge you to check out the website. I stayed in a bad marriage way too long for the sake of keeping the family together. I left when the emotional abuse turned physical and I needed a restraining order.
http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#emotional
from above website:
SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings &Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you:
feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:
humiliate or yell at you?
criticize you and put you down?
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for their own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats & Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:
have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?
Does your partner:
act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?0 -
Your profile pic is rather provocative, maybe he’d just like to see you covered up around others and save the skin for him. Sounds like bigger issues though (bc of his actions and bc you’re sharing it with other ppl who really shouldn't know)…counseling or marriage books would be good. 50%+ marriages end in divorce, fight for yours!0
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http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/dating-violence/red-flags-for-abusive-relationships/
Red Flags for Abusive Relationships
The following is a list of warning signs for potentially abusive relationships. They are presented as guidelines and cues to pay attention to, not as judgments on the worth of the other person.
Question relationships with partners who:
Abuse alcohol or other drugs.
Have a history of trouble with the law, get into fights, or break and destroy property.
Don’t work or go to school.
Blame you for how they treat you, or for anything bad that happens.
Abuse siblings, other family members, children or pets.
Put down people, including your family and friends, or call them names.
Are always angry at someone or something.
Try to isolate you and control whom you see or where you go.
Nag you or force you to be sexual when you don’t want to be.
Cheat on you or have lots of partners.
Are physically rough with you (push, shove, pull, yank, squeeze, restrain).
Take your money or take advantage of you in other ways.
Accuse you of flirting or “coming on” to others or accuse you of cheating on them.
Don’t listen to you or show interest in your opinions or feelings. . .things always have to be done their way.
Ignore you, give you the silent treatment, or hang up on you.
Lie to you, don’t show up for dates, maybe even disappear for days.
Make vulgar comments about others in your presence
Blame all arguments and problems on you.
Tell you how to dress or act.<
Threaten to kill themselves if you break up with them, or tell you that they cannot live without you.
Experience extreme mood swings. . .tell you you’re the greatest one minute and rip you apart the next minute.
Tell you to shut up or tell you you’re dumb, stupid, fat, or call you some other name (directly or indirectly).<
Compare you to former partners.
Some other cues that might indicate an abusive relationship might include:
You feel afraid to break up with them.
You feel tied down, feel like you have to check-in.
You feel afraid to make decisions or bring up certain subjects so that the other person won’t get mad.
You tell yourself that if you just try harder and love your partner enough that everything will be just fine.
You find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or unhappy.
You find yourself worrying and obsessing about how to please your partner and keep them happy.
You find the physical or emotional abuse getting worse over time.0 -
Sounds like its time for counseling or divorce. I wouldn't put up with that!0
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I know it must have hurt you deeply to hear those words from your husband. Something like that seems unforgiveable....
I will never condone what he has said or his actions, but you have to remember a few things.
The most important thing to remember is your wedding vows:
"for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part."
If you did not mean this 100% the day you said these vows to your husband than you should not have gotten married. This is one of those "worse" parts that you told him you would stand beside him through. This is not a "co-habitation", you aren't just living together, you are married. (That is a period at the end of that sentence, not a comma)
There is a true commitment when you are married to someone and you have to remember that. "Til death do us part" Aside from my faith, I don't know a stronger commitment than that.
You have to remember WHY you married him. Love is not simply an emotion you feel towards someone, it isnt just a noun.. It is an ACTION verb!! You have to make a conscious effort to love him every day, even through this very difficult time in your marriage because that is what you vowed.
Dont get me wrong here, HE needs to follow through on this as well. You've both seemed to have lost sight of this in your marriage. There are underlying issues here that need to be addressed and you should seek outside help for marriage counseling as others have suggested. But you don't have to wait for counseling to start working on restoring your marriage.
If you dont want to go through an ugly divorce and truly beleive that you loved him and believed in those vows, then you can start making changes in your marriage now. His feelings and actions toward you did not happen over night and you really need to start examining how you've acted AND REACTED towards him over the last year or more. I'm sure you've heard "In order to get respect, you have to earn it; give it to get it"
Aside from how he's treated you, have you treated him with the respect that a wife should treat her husband with? Have you snipped at him in response to a question or something he's said to you? I'm sure you have.. we all have. We are all guilty of doing this to our spouses. Have a bad day at work.. terrible traffic on the way home... screaming kids getting on your nerves and what do we do.. take it out on the one person that we love most.
These things that we've done to our husbands can cause serious blows to their self worth, which in turn could have led to this lack of trust. As his wife, you should be the one person he can trust to respect him, look up to him and love him even when he's got the weight of the world on his shoulders.
You can begin restoring your marriage by giving him that respect that he is due. I know it is hard to do when you feel so much hurt and resentment because of the way he has disrespected you. This is hard, but no one ever said marriage was easy. Show him that you love him and show him that once again he can trust you. It will take time but if you are as committed to your marriage as you said in your vows, then you MUST do this. You can restore your marriage but it has to start somewhere and why not with you? If you wait for him to start, it may never happen. Do you want to take that risk?0 -
I'm not going to tell you to divorce him or get counseling or whatever, that's not my call, but saying your wife looks like a slut is not OK in any capacity!!
((hugs))0 -
Your husband is ABUSIVE. It sounds like both of you need professional counseling. His abusive behavior is not your fault. You have some very important decisions to make regarding the present relationship. I hope you have family nearby to give you the support that you need.0
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How did all of this go from her asking for advice, to people criticizing her profile picture? -_____-0
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Have you checked his text messages?0
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My advice is that you should tell him that you want to attend marriage counseling. If he is unwilling, get out. There is a fundamental issue of respect. Mutual respect is key to a healthy relationship. If he respects you and your marriage, he will be willing to work together to improve your communication. If he is not interested, he will not change except to possibly escalate his behavior. Do not allow any man (husband or otherwise) to disrespect you and treat you as though he has the right to name call and make you feel bad. I've been married for 26 years...not always easy or great but I have always demanded mutual respect.0
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This thread is exactly why you don't ask for relationship advice over the internet from strangers. People take one paragraph and suddenly they believe they know your entire relationship, top to bottom, based on any bias they have such as past experiences or general attitude.
OP, talk to the man, seriously. If it's enough to bother you, it's enough to mention to him. How it goes from there is up to both of you.0 -
Do you have children?
Daughters?
Sons?
Would you want your daughters to learn that this how they should be treated by their husbands in the future?
Would you want your sons to learn this how they should treat their wives in the future?
I'm so sorry you are going through this. The end is the hardest part and even when it's the end, it's never really over. There is always drama of some sort. No one deserves to be treated this way. No matter what you are wearing.0 -
Those are very strong words for any husband to say to his wife whom he supposed to love for any reason.0
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Mine has too but you know what he started WW with me. He didn't call me names or treat me the way her husband did. There needs to be a come to God talk with our without a counsellor. Next time he sees you in a tank what will he do come inside and hit you? You need to get your thoughts together and get prepared for the worst and have a talk with him. I'm not saying walk out. I think if you married him it was because you loved him and wanted this for every, him to, but you need a talk because that kind of behavior can't go on forever.my hubby has grown more insecure with each losing pound so I can feel your pain........0 -
Been there.. Done this! He has NO respect for you, he will drag you down with him, leave before he does. I know some say this is drastic, but if a guy will treat you like that he doesn't deserve you. I hope its the last straw and you do leave x0
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Just out of curiosity, has he seen your profile pic here - you might be calling attention to yourself that he is really not liking. In no way does it give him the right to called you names as such.
He sounds jealous and insecure - there are deeper issues when a man is like that.0 -
Not to side with your husband or you: but does he know what your profile picture looks like on here? Is he "jealous" over that as well? I know my fiance would not like me posting my boobs all over here, Facebook, or Twitter.
Just throwing it out there....
My husband is EXTREMELY passive and if I had a pic online of my bustline without even my face showing I *know* he would ask me what the purpose of that pic was. I can't think of any reason for posting that besides negative attention seeking.
I just read these comments so I had to go look at your other pics as well. Hmmmm, maybe you are giving him legit issues.:noway:
I don't know the whole story but the other pics you have on here wouldn't make my husband very happy either.0 -
They're great! You know, you can have up to 18.Not to side with your husband or you: but does he know what your profile picture looks like on here? Is he "jealous" over that as well? I know my fiance would not like me posting my boobs all over here, Facebook, or Twitter.
Just throwing it out there....
My husband is EXTREMELY passive and if I had a pic online of my bustline without even my face showing I *know* he would ask me what the purpose of that pic was. I can't think of any reason for posting that besides negative attention seeking.
I just read these comments so I had to go look at your other pics as well. Hmmmm, maybe you are giving him legit issues.:noway:
I don't know the whole story but the other pics you have on here wouldn't make my husband very happy either.0 -
Before throwing in the towel Try counsleing and see if that works or if things changes. There are bigger issues here than you in a wife beater. Some ppl on here are saying leave him or if i was ever talked to like that etc...they do not know what they would do if there in that position. So before giving up try counseling and see if that helps. Exhaust all means before Divorce. my response is based off just what you have said , obvisouly, ido not knwo all the details.
they do not know what they would do if there in that position??? Um... yes, I do know EXACTLY what I would do. He crossed the line and disrespected you. You don't do that to someone you care about. Ditch him and look out for number 1 and your kids if you have any.
You think you do but you do not knwo the full story you know her short version of a story and to get a divorce over a word before getting to the root of the problem is dumb. Things happen in a marriage things are said in a marriage that sometimes afteryou sayif you regret it. Do i agree with what he said no but do i belive that workiong at it is worht while yes. People are human and make mistakes and you do nto know the full story and either do it and i am sure in your lifetime you have disrespected someone you cared about0 -
I think the best thing to do first is to list off what topics arguments are about
then list what causes arguments about these topics.
then try and find solutions to these...
ex. Financial...insecurity (husbands part)...etc.
I would suggest sitting down with your husband and instead of mentioning marriage counseling right off the bat, tell him that you felt really sad when he said that to you...first start off saying good things about him...try not to use the word "you" too often when talking about negative stuff. ex "you seem really mad lately," can be said, "I've noticed that there has been a lot of stress lately"
"Honey, I know this happened a few days ago, but I still feel really sad about the other day...I really love you and you are the most wonderful person in the world to me. I want things to start getting better so we can both enjoy life together. I really care about you...is everything okay?" and take it from there.
i hope this helps >.<
ps: We must be looking at different pictures...because her pics look fine to me! She looks YOUNG and BEAUTIFUL...compared to quite a few 23 year olds i would not call her pics risqué!!!0 -
My advice is that you should tell him that you want to attend marriage counseling. If he is unwilling, get out. There is a fundamental issue of respect. Mutual respect is key to a healthy relationship. If he respects you and your marriage, he will be willing to work together to improve your communication. If he is not interested, he will not change except to possibly escalate his behavior. Do not allow any man (husband or otherwise) to disrespect you and treat you as though he has the right to name call and make you feel bad. I've been married for 26 years...not always easy or great but I have always demanded mutual respect.
Ditto!!!0 -
Very sorry for you, but this guy has issues way beyond what I think you can possibly change.0
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Do you have children? If so, get counselling. If not, get out.0
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Maybe I'm off, but an undershirt at work would have me fired in a minute. It's not professional, even if you are working the graveyard shift.
I think calling you a slut was very, very, very wrong, but maybe he was attempting to tell you (in a very inefficient manner) that you are not dressed appropriately for work.
Trying to justify this in any way is disgusting. Demeaning and disrespecting women in this manner should never be tolerated, but unfortunately in this society it is all too common. If the undershirt was an issue, it should be addressed by management, not by her husband. It isn't her husbands place to tell her what is inappropriate for work. You don't know where she works, and it sounds to me like she was probably working some sort of retail job while customers were not around.0 -
How can we take this serious when your profile picture is your breasts??? Seriously??? :grumble:0
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Normally I just read these sorts of things... but given the website we are on and the topic of your message, I decided that for the 1st time ever, its time for me to reply on a message board.
I try to be very person-focused whenever I give advice... which is hard given I know almost nothing about you or your marriage. I think people telling you that its over is a bit extreme... they might be right for a million reason, but we can't know that from just this one message board post. So, here is my thought on the matter, trying to use what little I can see about you..... You are someone who has done very well on this website-- You are a good fraction of the way to your goal weight, and as such, you are probably gaining confidence. So....
1. Honesty is the best policy... butttt if you attack him for what he said he is going to get defensive immediately cuz THAT is human nature...regardless of whether we were right or wrong, we defend ourselves when someone comes at us with anything that sounds even remotely like an accusation..... soo.....
2. take the high road-- I dont mean just grin and bear it, he was wrong to say such a cruel thing to a woman that he pledged to love and cherish for all eternity. But I have found in my life that it pays off to be the more mature person in any tense conversation.... so don't explode... don't use foul language... don't make accusations that are too broad to be backed up with sufficient examples as evidence...use "i" messages.. for instance "I was hurt by your comment" rather than "you hurt me with your comment"(this sounds less threatening and accusatory....and anyway the problem is in how he made you feel, not in what he said...... he could have said a million things...hell in a different context and a different tone those same words could have even been used positively... like in dirty talk..... the PROBLEM is that he hurt your feelings).....................and don't raise your voice or interrupt..... if you act like a kindergarten school teacher and patiently nicely express your thoughts, and reword it as many times as possible
NOW, i know this sounds very hard to do AND like it would not be satisfying at all... but actually.... you will find over time that the other person starts to feel like an a-hole for shouting or cursing or slamming doors etc... to a person who is perfectly calm.... of course at first he will probably be all like WTF is up with you? why are you being so weird?... but as long as you explain the FOLLOWING*** they will eventually calm down and you will be able to talk it out like adults.
***YOU EXPLAIN: look, we have been fighting a lot lately, and I have realized that it all comes down to the fact that we are not communicating as well as we used to. this happens to couples all the time, cuz people change with age... but I said I would love and stand by you forever, and I meant it... so I wanna work on it and make sure we can go back to the beautiful romance we used to have. I wanna talk out the things we do that hurt one another and recreate that open communication we used to have. If you disagree with something I am doing, I don't want you to just huff and puff in silence until you are so pissed that you explode... no... i want us to be able to talk things out and work together to make each other happier... cuz 2 heads are better than one-- together we can overcome any obstacle
REGARDING THE SHIRT: if you were uncomfortable with my outfit at work, thats fine-you are entitled to have your oppinion and I honestly do want to hear it and understand it... cuz I don't wake up in the morning thinking "what can I do to piss my husband off today... i really feel like ruining his mood"... but I was hurt by the approach you took to telling me your oppinion. you see, I had my reasons and my own opinions about why I wore that.... to me it wasnt a big deal because people wear that all the time... it was hot at work, and maybe all my weightloss has made me more confident so I finally felt good enough about myself again to start showing my arms in public.... If you had asked me why I was wearing this, and given me a chance to tell you this, then I would think you would be happy for me and proud of me for the confidence I am gaining back....and if you had other reasons for why you thought what I was wearing was innappropriate, then you could have told me them and if you felt very strongly about it, and it made you uncomfortable..... just say that, and out of love for you I would try my best to avoid doing that in the future... but I can't act on feelings I don't know about... so please... talk to me in person, like the smart and caring/concerned man that I married.
1 last tip for this conversation--- if he starts innterrupting... dont shout over him.... either let him say what he is saying, or quietly say, "please let me finish real quick, I wanna hear what you are saying, but I don't want to lose my train of thought and forget what I was trying to explain."
Also---- as for financial issues--- try to tackle them together---- talk out what kind of problems you have and what the options are.... I use Mint.com to manage my finances... its free and it lets me see where all of my money is going... and suggests ways to pay off my loans or get more interest in a new savings account... its a great service-- a very successful financal advisor and professor of finance/economics at georgetown university suggested it to me when i went to a lecture series he was presenting at..... hell if you really need to cut down spending, become a couponer... there are LOADS of tutorials online explaining how to do it :-)0 -
OUCH!So it's come to a point where there are daily arguments. Usually financial. But then he's been really controlling and jealous. Last night I worked a graveyard shift and went in uniform ( we didn't have to but I didn't know cuz I have never worked that shift) so it's stocking all night and I took off my uniform shirt with my reasons aside, let me tell u I had a black spaghetti strap under a white "wife beater" no bra was showing, no chest nothing but arms . So he shows up w his buddys to c if I wanna "eat" and sees me thru the window and calls me to tell me I look like a slut... A SLUT... Wtf a slit because I have nothing but an undershirt on working .... (with 3 guys and 1 other girl)
I honestly don't c anything wrong with what I was wearing... But I could just b wrong. So I'm asking for others honest opinions please
He crossed a line here.
Sure, I'd be uncomfortable if my wife were working late nights with 3 guys - darn right!
And she'd be the same.
We both talk openly about our attraction to others which is why we work hard to take measures not to be in situations where we're horny and alone with other people trying to work through our constant thoughts of sex.
If I am around any lady with any kind of beauty, I am thinking of sex. That's just reality.
And my wife is the same way.
And please, no self-righteous snarking. I know my wife and I are not the only 2 people like this.
So, sure I get his anxiety.
But he crossed a line calling you out that way.
You guys need to talk, affirm your love and sounds like he's very insecure, and sometimes that's a sign of projection.
Has he been unfaithful to you?
Anyway, good luck.
Take hold of this now before it ruins the bond.0 -
if your husband is calling you a slut, i would think he has some problems running deeper than your attire. it sounds like he could use some anger management counseling. best of luck to you.
This won't get any better, especially when you're losing weight. Counciling is an absolute must. I divorced my husband over the same kind of ****. This sounds a lot like what was the beginning of the end for us. Doesn't mean it will be for you, tho. Just be careful, and seek professional help for him.0 -
You are losing weight and becoming healthy. So I'd bet that you look much better now in a wife beater than you did before. Keep in mind, that even though people may INITIALLY support you in your efforts to live a better life, that encouragement can quickly turn into jealousy when you're actually successful at it. Because you two are married, I suggest you two communicate with each other and really get to the root of the problem and reach some sort of a compromise. If that doesn't work, than it may be time to let go and move on.
^^this0 -
Not to side with your husband or you: but does he know what your profile picture looks like on here? Is he "jealous" over that as well? I know my fiance would not like me posting my boobs all over here, Facebook, or Twitter.
Just throwing it out there....
My husband is EXTREMELY passive and if I had a pic online of my bustline without even my face showing I *know* he would ask me what the purpose of that pic was. I can't think of any reason for posting that besides negative attention seeking.
I just read these comments so I had to go look at your other pics as well. Hmmmm, maybe you are giving him legit issues.:noway:
I don't know the whole story but the other pics you have on here wouldn't make my husband very happy either.
I agree the pcis on your profile are really revealing adn some things should be left for your husband nto saying itis righ tbut maybe he feels that is disrespectful but putting your breasts out there. My husband would not be happy about that.0
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