probs w/ hubby. idk who to turn to need others opinion.
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I agree with other posters that there are other underlying problems that need to be addressed. Please do what is right for you and any children you might have. My parents stayed together for 45+ years when they shouldn't have. I have a messed up idea of what a marriage is because of what my parents modeled - something that I have to actively work at to avoid becoming like. Think about how you want to be treated. Think about how you want your children to be treated in their current and future relationships. It may be stepping into the unknown but the unknown is better than where you're at now.
Good luck to you!!0 -
How can we take this serious when your profile picture is your breasts??? Seriously??? :grumble:
Thank you! I was thinking the same thing. I would NEVER let my husband talk to me that way. Id be out of there! Saying that, with your profile picture the way it is, maybe there is more to this story then your letting us know. To me, girls who show their breasts and certain body parts are craving sexual attention from guys or girls depending on their preferences. A black bra under a white wife beater...not such a great clothing choice because you could probably see right through it. If I wore that, my husband wouldn't be happy, but he wouldn't call me a slut either.
Just saying
I just looked at the pics on your profile...yeah....was I right, or was I really right?
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Abusive relationship much? I'm not talking physical abuse, but emotional. My husband and I have only been married right around six months now, and we had a ton of fights right after I moved up to Maryland with him (So much for being the happy newly weds...). Eventually, one of the fights got so bad that someone called Security Forces....That really opened both of our eyes to how cruel we were being to each other. I really REALLY suggest that you try and open your husbands eyes to whats going on before things get worse! And if they do get worse, don't hesitate to get out.
EDIT: And by "Get Out" I don't mean divorce. I mean, go stay with family or friends until your husband is willing to cool his jets and work things out.
, Hugs and best wishes....I really hope things get better for you! 0 -
Before throwing in the towel Try counsleing and see if that works or if things changes. There are bigger issues here than you in a wife beater. Some ppl on here are saying leave him or if i was ever talked to like that etc...they do not know what they would do if there in that position. So before giving up try counseling and see if that helps. Exhaust all means before Divorce. my response is based off just what you have said , obvisouly, ido not knwo all the details.
they do not know what they would do if there in that position??? Um... yes, I do know EXACTLY what I would do. He crossed the line and disrespected you. You don't do that to someone you care about. Ditch him and look out for number 1 and your kids if you have any.
^^^^^^^^^
NOT THIS - absurd
The only reason for divorce is unfaithfulness or abuse.
You should see what my wife and I call one another - :devil:
We've been together 31 years, and we've been through the entire English and Italian slang language in our withering insults.
We both need to learn a 3rd language to keep this going. She gives as good as I can - believe it!
That's no reason to break up a marriage.
Divorce? NUTS!0 -
sounds like he is intimidated by your success.......I hate when people are supportive of reaching goals.... It must boil down to Jealousy....0
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I wouldn't call my wife a slut, if she had it tattooed on her bare left breast. Never have and never will disrepect my wife, kids of friends with name-calling.0
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Yeah, hun, sounds awful, and I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour, the other day I was trying clothes to go out, and found my civil wedding dress, short tight red dress, so I tried it on, just to see if it fits, as it's one of my goals, it did!! NSV!! But it was a bit too tight to go out and fee comfortable with it. However I went downstairs to show him "it fits", first he had a delighted face, but then changed to "no, you're not wearing that", one of his daughters was in the lounge too, I said "no, I'm not planning to wear it for tonight" him "good" me "why good? don't I look good in it", he "far too sexy to go out without me, people that rape girls would look for an easy prey like you with that dress"
I said, well, it's still too tight anyway, so I wasn't planning on wearing it, but when I lose some more tummy I'll wear it and YOU'RE NOBODY TO TELL ME WHAT TO WEAR AND WHAT NOT TO", he had to low his head down and submit, as he knows I'm more than able to prove it to him, lol.0 -
Arguments over finances? Telling you that you look like a slut rather than just saying he isn't comfortable with you in your under shirt amongst guys you work with? Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it sounds like he is trying to control you. Ideally (in my opinion), spouses have some say so over one another. Would he be okay with you telling him how he can dress at work? (My husband is okay with it when I look horrified and say "That shirt is frayed at the edges! (or dingy, or has sweat stains that didn't come out...) Don't you have something else?" I never have suggested he was dressing like a slut, though, :noway: And I am okay with it if he suggests something I put on for Church would be more appropriate elsewhere. But again, he'd better word it respectfully. I don't deserve to be called names, and I wouldn't stand for it. Luckily , the worst thing he ever called me was my own name. )
If he is trying to exert more control over you than he willing to give you over him, then "Houston! We have a problem!". He definitely needs counseling. Maybe you both do. After all, you are married, and in this together.0 -
OUCH!So it's come to a point where there are daily arguments. Usually financial. But then he's been really controlling and jealous. Last night I worked a graveyard shift and went in uniform ( we didn't have to but I didn't know cuz I have never worked that shift) so it's stocking all night and I took off my uniform shirt with my reasons aside, let me tell u I had a black spaghetti strap under a white "wife beater" no bra was showing, no chest nothing but arms . So he shows up w his buddys to c if I wanna "eat" and sees me thru the window and calls me to tell me I look like a slut... A SLUT... Wtf a slit because I have nothing but an undershirt on working .... (with 3 guys and 1 other girl)
I honestly don't c anything wrong with what I was wearing... But I could just b wrong. So I'm asking for others honest opinions please
He crossed a line here.
Sure, I'd be uncomfortable if my wife were working late nights with 3 guys - darn right!
And she'd be the same.
We both talk openly about our attraction to others which is why we work hard to take measures not to be in situations where we're horny and alone with other people trying to work through our constant thoughts of sex.
If I am around any lady with any kind of beauty, I am thinking of sex. That's just reality.
And my wife is the same way.
And please, no self-righteous snarking. I know my wife and I are not the only 2 people like this.
So, sure I get his anxiety.
But he crossed a line calling you out that way.
You guys need to talk, affirm your love and sounds like he's very insecure, and sometimes that's a sign of projection.
Has he been unfaithful to you?
Anyway, good luck.
Take hold of this now before it ruins the bond.
@maximallife
I've read a lot of your posts and agree with many, but this is not one of them. I'm not sure where you've been working, but in all of my work experience (and most of my peers at work were men), any talk or innuendo of a sexual nature that would make anyone, male or female, feel uncomfortable is strictly forbidden.. by law. If you don't think companies take this seriously, you are wrong. I have seen people fired for off color jokes, leering, comments about someone's body, etc. You need to find an outlet for your sexual energy (besides the workplace) or you may find yourself facing an embarrassing situation or loss of employment.0 -
I don't think your pics factor into this, there is much more going on. He was out of line, period. First question I would ask you is,...
1. Do you want to save this marriage? If the answer is yes, then you both need to get some help starting with being honest about what you will and will not tolerate in your relationship.
2. Find a good marriage counselor and good individual counselors. This does not need to be long term, but a third objective party can help redirect cuurent behaviors and responses and then you guys can run with it from there if you want to continue to make thinsg better.
3. make sure you have a good support base available. all of us can only armchair the situation, but you need to protect yourself as well and it does sound like his anger is unchecked.
The movie Fireproof was an eye opener for me. Majke sure you are safe, but I would urge you to exhaust all possiblities before you throw in the towel. Good luck! God bless!0 -
If this incident is a one time thing that your husband regrets, its probably just a bump in your marriage that can be addressed by talking about it or possibly with counseling. But if it is an ongoing pattern of control, disrespect and verbal abuse, you may want to look into why you are tolerating such actions. You can't change him, but you have the power to decide what YOU are willing to accept or not.
I'm sending you a PM with a link to a support website that focuses on these sorts of issues.
Also, you are NOT to blame for another person's bad behavior. They have choices too.0 -
Don't question yourself. You know it is a d*ck thing to say to someone and you don't need us to tell you that. Your husband sounds like an awful person right now. Consider counseling, seriously.0
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If my husband ever called me a slut I would be kicking his *kitten* that's for sure!!!!!!0
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IDK.....it seems like if he saw you through the window, and then calls you.....he should have been saying something like "Wow....you look hot! I am a lucky man..."
Something to that effect......calling you a slut.....completely unacceptable, total lack of respect....and even more so that he did it in front of his friends, completely ridiculing you in front of them....0 -
it sounds like he is jealous of your weight loss. only you can know when you have had enough. usually if they accuse you of something or talk down to you, then they are doing something wrong themselves. good luck to you kiddo, sounds like you are going to need it.0
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Wow... Ive been married almost 8 years and would NEVER tolerate my husband calling me that.0
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Life is too short to be miserable, and you're too young!
If its something think you can work through and you REALLY want to make things work with this guy, then try talking it out, or getting counseling.
Honestly, the name calling thing makes it sound like its already gone too far and probably won't get better. If this really is the last straw, then cut your losses and move on with your life. You'll be better off in the long run, and so will your little girl (and you will set an example and show her that women should choose to be with men who respect them).0 -
I am quite certain that you are not a slut for wearing clothing like that or any clothing that you choose to wear. I can also tell you probably should not be putting up with him treating you that way. It sounds like you have a very difficult relationship. I would offer counseling to him as a last resort.....but I can tell you that due to past experience, counseling often can complicate things further at first.
I am not certain how safe you are from what you described earlier. You stated that he is increasingly controlling and jealous....be careful to place your safety (that includes emotional and mental safety) first before anything else. Hope you are doing okay.
Lizzy0 -
OUCH!So it's come to a point where there are daily arguments. Usually financial. But then he's been really controlling and jealous. Last night I worked a graveyard shift and went in uniform ( we didn't have to but I didn't know cuz I have never worked that shift) so it's stocking all night and I took off my uniform shirt with my reasons aside, let me tell u I had a black spaghetti strap under a white "wife beater" no bra was showing, no chest nothing but arms . So he shows up w his buddys to c if I wanna "eat" and sees me thru the window and calls me to tell me I look like a slut... A SLUT... Wtf a slit because I have nothing but an undershirt on working .... (with 3 guys and 1 other girl)
I honestly don't c anything wrong with what I was wearing... But I could just b wrong. So I'm asking for others honest opinions please
He crossed a line here.
Sure, I'd be uncomfortable if my wife were working late nights with 3 guys - darn right!
And she'd be the same.
We both talk openly about our attraction to others which is why we work hard to take measures not to be in situations where we're horny and alone with other people trying to work through our constant thoughts of sex.
If I am around any lady with any kind of beauty, I am thinking of sex. That's just reality.
And my wife is the same way.
And please, no self-righteous snarking. I know my wife and I are not the only 2 people like this.
So, sure I get his anxiety.
But he crossed a line calling you out that way.
You guys need to talk, affirm your love and sounds like he's very insecure, and sometimes that's a sign of projection.
Has he been unfaithful to you?
Anyway, good luck.
Take hold of this now before it ruins the bond.
@maximallife
I've read a lot of your posts and agree with many, but this is not one of them. I'm not sure where you've been working, but in all of my work experience (and most of my peers at work were men), any talk or innuendo of a sexual nature that would make anyone, male or female, feel uncomfortable is strictly forbidden.. by law. If you don't think companies take this seriously, you are wrong. I have seen people fired for off color jokes, leering, comments about someone's body, etc. You need to find an outlet for your sexual energy (besides the workplace) or you may find yourself facing an embarrassing situation or loss of employment.
I think you misread his response. He was saying that he and his wife talk openly, not that it is discussed at work. I personally am happy to see honesty on this topic. My ex would vehnemly deny sexual attraction to other women despite the proof in his pants. I didn't really care quite frankly, because sexual attraction is an involuntary response. The fact that he and his wife are so open to each other with the subject is quite refreshing.0 -
If your husband is calling you names like that then ur marriage has bigger problems than what you were wearing that night at work. Respect is an ingredient a marriage cannot be without.
I agree with this^0 -
Let me tell you, my husband walked out on our marriage and our kids 3 days after Christmas, and it was the best thing that has happened to us! The house is quiet and there is no more screaming at one another. He calls and starts in on me, I just hang up. I dont care about him in the least bit. Im not saying it wasnt hard at first, but you find out how strong you really are when thing like this happen.
Do not take it from him! You deserve so much more!0 -
Honestly, I had a boyfriend once who did the exact same thing. But looking back, I can see what an *kitten* he was and how controlling he was always trying to be. I don't know anything else about your relationship, but from the way it reminds me of my ex, it makes me shudder and I want to tell you that it's not worth it. Girls wear less than that every day, and you are allowed to wear whatever you're comfortable in, even if you are showing your arms *gasp*!
I think deep down you know that he's not treating you right. A guy should never try to shame you like that.
Agreed! This too reminds me of an emotionally abusive relationship I had in the past and makes me shudder. You deserve better than to be called a slut, that is disgusting. Even in a joking way that is totally innappropriate.0 -
My initial gut reaction to reading what you wrote OP, is that it sounds abusive. Emotionally at least. Abuse is a strong word, so I tread on that lightly because only you know what goes on behind closed doors. But he did call you a really awful name in front of other people (his friends), so Im guessing his behavior isnt out of the ordinary, and also probably acceptable to those around you. This probably makes it even harder for you to see anything clearly.
As other suggested I urge you to seek counseling. A mediator to help you two learn to communicate sounds down right necessary to save your marriage.
However, with that said, this quote below is also excellent and gives some really insightful things you should consider. If you cant see or be strong enough for yourself, be strong for your children and imagine if this was happening to them.
I hope you've found insight here and seek some outside assistance. Best of luck to you.Do you have children?
Daughters?
Sons?
Would you want your daughters to learn that this how they should be treated by their husbands in the future?
Would you want your sons to learn this how they should treat their wives in the future?
I'm so sorry you are going through this. The end is the hardest part and even when it's the end, it's never really over. There is always drama of some sort. No one deserves to be treated this way. No matter what you are wearing.0 -
After reading all the responses about your breasts being your profile picture and realizing you've edited your profile to take anything remotely questionable out, I'm wondering if maybe your husband is just fed up with your attention seeking behavior and used that word to get your attention.
My husband would not be pleased with me posting pictures of my breasts and Lord only knows what else since you removed them. Nor would he be ok with me wearing a wifebeater with a black bra under - way too sexy to be working with other men. And if you're flaunting yourself, OF COURSE he's going to be insecure!
My advice is to start acting like a grown married woman. Don't post provocative pictures. Don't wear provocative clothing to work(!) or around men when your husband isn't around. Don't start threads on public forums with the sole intention to make your husband look like a monster (if it wasn't your intention, you would have left the pictures when people started commenting that maybe he has a point). Is the reason you won't bring it up to people who know you because you know the image you've been projecting isn't exactly "wholesome wife and mother"?
Yeah, "slut" is a dirty word. No, it shouldn't be used by someone who loves you. But I can completely understand him reaching his boiling point. If your husband was posting boxer-bulge pictures would you be ok with it? Would you be ok with him having a sexy six pack and taking off his shirt at work while he works with 3 women and another dude? I highly doubt it.0 -
It is really sad that in our society, people always jump to defend the man's actions.
Ex, "Well a 23 year old was showing cleavage in her profile picture. Maybe it's her fault her husband called her a slut!" Same ignorant statement said about female rape victims, "Well, she was asking for it wearing that outfit! It's not the man's fault -- nope, always the woman's fault!"
I doubt we would have received the same responses if a man had asked this question, "My wifey told me I Iook like a manwhore!"
and his profile pic was him without his shirt on, pants low cut...(and even then, I don't think its appropriate to insult a man for his pic either...)
Sure, there probably are two sides to this story, but unless the husband jumps in or the OP adds more information...we should be advising her on what we know...not making assumptions like, "Maybe you deserved it!"
EVEN IF the OP's outfits are what caused her husband to insult her like that...was that REALLY the best way to handle his feelings? Calling her up in front of her coworkers and being derogatory?0 -
if your husband is calling you a slut, i would think he has some problems running deeper than your attire. it sounds like he could use some anger management counseling. best of luck to you.
Agreed. No tolerance for any man calling his wife a derogatory name!0 -
Okay babe. You are an angel. You are sweet, you are kind and you are worthy. No man should treat any woman that way, much less your husband. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know that we just want the best out of life, but sometimes it means making difficult decisions in your life.0
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After reading all the responses about your breasts being your profile picture and realizing you've edited your profile to take anything remotely questionable out, I'm wondering if maybe your husband is just fed up with your attention seeking behavior and used that word to get your attention.
My husband would not be pleased with me posting pictures of my breasts and Lord only knows what else since you removed them. Nor would he be ok with me wearing a wifebeater with a black bra under - way too sexy to be working with other men. And if you're flaunting yourself, OF COURSE he's going to be insecure!
My advice is to start acting like a grown married woman. Don't post provocative pictures. Don't wear provocative clothing to work(!) or around men when your husband isn't around. Don't start threads on public forums with the sole intention to make your husband look like a monster (if it wasn't your intention, you would have left the pictures when people started commenting that maybe he has a point). Is the reason you won't bring it up to people who know you because you know the image you've been projecting isn't exactly "wholesome wife and mother"?
Yeah, "slut" is a dirty word. No, it shouldn't be used by someone who loves you. But I can completely understand him reaching his boiling point. If your husband was posting boxer-bulge pictures would you be ok with it? Would you be ok with him having a sexy six pack and taking off his shirt at work while he works with 3 women and another dude? I highly doubt it.
BTW: If you don't have anything uplifting to say please don't say it. Words HURT. This woman is hurting. The last thing she needs is another woman to come in and tell her she's doing it wrong. and that goes for all the people who's making comments on her breasts and such. She could stand naked in her picture for all I care. The thing is the unwarranted name calling out of a negative emotion (her husband's probable jealousy). There are more grown up ways to deal with it than to call someone a slut.0 -
After reading all the responses about your breasts being your profile picture and realizing you've edited your profile to take anything remotely questionable out, I'm wondering if maybe your husband is just fed up with your attention seeking behavior and used that word to get your attention.
My husband would not be pleased with me posting pictures of my breasts and Lord only knows what else since you removed them. Nor would he be ok with me wearing a wifebeater with a black bra under - way too sexy to be working with other men. And if you're flaunting yourself, OF COURSE he's going to be insecure!
My advice is to start acting like a grown married woman. Don't post provocative pictures. Don't wear provocative clothing to work(!) or around men when your husband isn't around. Don't start threads on public forums with the sole intention to make your husband look like a monster (if it wasn't your intention, you would have left the pictures when people started commenting that maybe he has a point). Is the reason you won't bring it up to people who know you because you know the image you've been projecting isn't exactly "wholesome wife and mother"?
Yeah, "slut" is a dirty word. No, it shouldn't be used by someone who loves you. But I can completely understand him reaching his boiling point. If your husband was posting boxer-bulge pictures would you be ok with it? Would you be ok with him having a sexy six pack and taking off his shirt at work while he works with 3 women and another dude? I highly doubt it.
BTW: If you don't have anything uplifting to say please don't say it. Words HURT. This woman is hurting. The last thing she needs is another woman to come in and tell her she's doing it wrong. and that goes for all the people who's making comments on her breasts and such. She could stand naked in her picture for all I care. The thing is the unwarranted name calling out of a negative emotion (her husband's probable jealousy). There are more grown up ways to deal with it than to call someone a slut.
And we have no idea if he has already tried to gently steer her away from her previous choices. I absolutely despise when women go posting about how their husband is this horrible abuser when maybe, just maybe, she is only looking for attention and a bunch of women to jump on the bandwagon to bash the poor guy who is tired of his wife looking like a, well, slut. Her actions certainly aren't above the board.
Sorry, I'm not going to be one of the mindless herd who screams that men are bad and women should leave just because he is having problems communicating effectively. Then again, getting called a slut by the man who is supposed to love and cherish his wife is pretty damn effective communication if you ask me. It conveyes he is at the end of his rope and he can't handle the disrespectful way his wife puts herself out there.0 -
It is really sad that in our society, people always jump to defend the man's actions.
Ex, "Well a 23 year old was showing cleavage in her profile picture. Maybe it's her fault her husband called her a slut!" Same ignorant statement said about female rape victims, "Well, she was asking for it wearing that outfit! It's not the man's fault -- nope, always the woman's fault!"
I doubt we would have received the same responses if a man had asked this question, "My wifey told me I Iook like a manwhore!"
and his profile pic was him without his shirt on, pants low cut...(and even then, I don't think its appropriate to insult a man for his pic either...)
Sure, there probably are two sides to this story, but unless the husband jumps in or the OP adds more information...we should be advising her on what we know...not making assumptions like, "Maybe you deserved it!"
EVEN IF the OP's outfits are what caused her husband to insult her like that...was that REALLY the best way to handle his feelings? Calling her up in front of her coworkers and being derogatory?
The majority in this thread is bashing the husband. I'm sticking up for him. She doesn't claim he has done anything but call her a slut. Perhaps I am advising her on what I know. I've known men who have gotten fed up with their wives posting provocative pictures or wearing provocative clothing. I've known women who have cried victim when it comes to a boyfriend or husband being mean when it turns out his side of the story is that she's doing stuff she shouldn't be, he has tried being kind and reasoning with her and she decides she's going to do what she wants and damn his feelings (including going and telling all their friends how horrible he is). I've known men who do this too. Wow, I guess that means I am posting what I know. Go figure.
Don't accuse me of having no sympathy for rape victims and don't assume that I would blame the victim of a such horrendous crime. Being called a slut by someone who thinks you may be cheating on them because you're putting yourself out there in a sexual manner that he find disrespectful to him and their relationship is completely different from being sexually assaulted. Hurt as they might, words are still just words and can be gotten past. And before you jump on me about how hurtful words are - really think about it. A man forcing himself on you and violating you or a word. There is no question. Perhaps I know about this too.
Of course her workplace wasn't the best place or time for her husband to confront her. Again, there is more to this story on her part. This is absolutely not an isolated incident and again, I'm not jumping on the man-bashing bandwagon. He could be an otherwise upstanding individual. However one thing I do agree with from everyone else - if this doesn't stop she needs to leave. Not because either of them could do better but because they are unable or unwilling to work out their needs vs wants and their daughter doesn't need to watch all that drama.0
This discussion has been closed.
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