Friends and Lies...

AwesomelyAmber
AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
edited November 9 in Chit-Chat
I do not advocate looking for Dear Abby answers online. There is always far more to the story than can be written in a few paragraphs... But I just would like some opinions from people that don't know me, don't care if they offend me or champion me, and don't know the other ladies in question so there is no real bias. :flowerforyou:

I may ramble...

I have a friend that is friends with someone that I used to be friends with. The best of friends. Recently the 'used to be' and I had an extreme falling out. Please understand that I am OK with this. It's sad and all but I have been able to move on with only minimal difficulty (so far). The friend in the middle was my friend first and became friends with the 'used to be' after years of attending parties, gatherings etc with me (so I did this to myself, kinda). Ultimately causing an extreme rift between me and the 'used to be'. The middle friend professes to be one of my best friends. Last night I asked her what she did this weekend and she said "Nothing. Just been really sick." I said, "All weekend? That is horrible, I'm sorry." (I was away with my mom and my son and hadn't talked to her all weekend long)

Today, I look on facebook to see what kind of stuff I missed (given that it is fb, I might have missed how many times someone went pee or washed the dishes:tongue: ) and find that there was a girls' night out with the 'used to be' and the 'middle girl' and a few others on Friday and the 'middle girl' HAD A SUPER GREAT TIME! Which is great, wonderful and fine... I truly could care less that they went out. What I care about is the fact that she LIED to me about her weekend and did so because she was with the other one. Ok, if I stretch it far enough it could be said that she WAS sick all weekend because she got sick on SATURDAY and FRIDAY isn't technically the weekend. Yeah right. :huh:

So before I take it to 'middle girl' and say "WTF?", what do you think (given that you know that little snippet and nothing else really) is it a lie told to keep my feelings from being hurt or left out? Or does it really matter WHY the lie was told in the first place? I am not looking to be played a fool in this. I also saw that on Thursday the 'middle girl' brought flowers to the 'used to be' at work :huh: THANKS AGAIN FACEBOOK! (I have no idea if there was a death, sickness, or other reason but it was a BIG bouquet) These two live close to each other, I am roughly 30 miles north and we only talk on the phone (daily, but still we don't see each other EVER). Maybe it's time to let it all go, focus on me, and my friends that don't need to hide from me what they do or who they hang out with?
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Replies

  • ket_the_jet
    ket_the_jet Posts: 1,257 Member
    I think you're overreacting.
    -wtk
  • kb455
    kb455 Posts: 679 Member
    She was probably just trying to spare your feelings. I wouldn't approach her all angry because you'll sound bitter. Just nicely tell her that its completely fine that she hang out with your former friend and she should never feel the need to lie to protect your feelings. She's caught in the middle.
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
    She was probably just trying to spare your feelings. I wouldn't approach her all angry because you'll sound bitter. Just nicely tell her that its completely fine that she hang out with your former friend and she should never feel the need to lie to protect your feelings. She's caught in the middle.

    I think you are right. Right after I clicked "post" and read it, I had the same reaction in my head. Felt nice to get it all out though, thank you :flowerforyou:
  • grinch031
    grinch031 Posts: 1,679
    I totally understand if a friend lies to spare someone's feelings, but I don't tolerate when someone lies just to make themselves look good or to stir up drama.

    Oh and this is one of the many reasons I ditched facebook. We had a problem where somebody found out we were expecting on facebook, and was offended that others knew about it prior to the facebook posting. I hate facebook.
  • mnishi
    mnishi Posts: 419 Member
    You have to understand that your "middle"friend is in a weird situation, she is trying to keep peace with her friends and not let your falling out with "used to be" effect her and her friendship with both of you. Don't read too much into it and stop checking facebook (for your sanity).
  • NKF92879
    NKF92879 Posts: 601 Member
    [/quote]

    I think you are right. Right after I clicked "post" and read it, I had the same reaction in my head. Felt nice to get it all out though, thank you :flowerforyou:
    [/quote]

    Sometimes we just need to vent. Writing/typing is a great way to do just that. :flowerforyou:
  • Katefab26
    Katefab26 Posts: 865
    That happened to me once. My friend told me she didn't go anywhere all weekend because of the snow, and then I saw on facebook that she went to NYC with another girl who was mad at me. It hurt, but then I realized she was just trying to spare my feelings. I got over it.
  • dovesgate
    dovesgate Posts: 894 Member
    She was probably just trying to spare your feelings. I wouldn't approach her all angry because you'll sound bitter. Just nicely tell her that its completely fine that she hang out with your former friend and she should never feel the need to lie to protect your feelings. She's caught in the middle.

    This.
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
    You have to understand that your "middle"friend is in a weird situation, she is trying to keep peace with her friends and not let your falling out with "used to be" effect her and her friendship with both of you. Don't read too much into it and stop checking facebook (for your sanity).

    :wink: I don't want it to seem like I was facebook stalking :laugh: I was just going through my news feed and my close friends' pages... I SWEAR I am not one of 'those'
  • AlbertPooHoles
    AlbertPooHoles Posts: 530 Member
    Have you checked his/her text messages?
  • morganhccstudent724
    morganhccstudent724 Posts: 1,261 Member
    I am in a very similar situation and I am the "middle girl." Be easy on her. I don't want to have to give up one friendship for another because of a falling out that didn't involve me.

    At the same time, lying is not necessary. Honesty is the best policy. Tell her you aren't bothered if she spends time with the other girl. It sounds like there was a time you liked spending time with her too.

    I know its a sticky situation and I wish you the best of luck. :flowerforyou:
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
    Have you checked his/her text messages?

    :laugh: with a screen name like AlbertPooHoles, I would expect nothing less:laugh: Maybe next time. :bigsmile:
  • wickedcricket
    wickedcricket Posts: 1,246 Member
    yes. just tell your friend the LYING is the thing. Then if it continues, re-evaluate the friendship.
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
    I am in a very similar situation and I am the "middle girl." Be easy on her. I don't want to have to give up one friendship for another because of a falling out that didn't involve me.

    At the same time, lying is not necessary. Honesty is the best policy. Tell her you aren't bothered if she spends time with the other girl. It sounds like there was a time you liked spending time with her too.

    I know its a sticky situation and I wish you the best of luck. :flowerforyou:
    Thanks :)
  • CrazyDaisysMommy
    CrazyDaisysMommy Posts: 472
    My feelings would be hurt, but the truth is, it sucks to be the middle girl. If she has heard both sides of the break-up between you and your used-to-be, she is probably in an awkward place and just wants to have fun without upsetting anyone. It's like the kid whose parents are divorced. He doesn't come home from a weekend at Dad's talking about how much fun he had and the cool things he did with his Dad and his Dad's new girlfriend. :wink: Hope you and your buddy move past it!
  • Rachelnicole1969
    Rachelnicole1969 Posts: 7
    Like you, it's not the problem that she went out. It's the fact that she lied to you. That is NOT COOL and definitely not good for a friendship. My thoughts and what I'd do - tell her you saw it, and you are not made she and the "used to be" went out and had fun, but you have an issue with being lied to. If she will lie to you about something as trivial as what she did, what other lies will she tell? But this is just me. GOOD LUCK!
  • QueenJayJay
    QueenJayJay Posts: 1,079 Member
    I think you're overreacting.
    -wtk

    Love you girl, but I'm going with this. If she wanted to lie, then just don't consider her one of your close friends. Cut your losses and move on.
  • KimmieBrie
    KimmieBrie Posts: 825 Member
    I had a similar situation back when I got divorced... After over 10 years of friendship girlfriend A sided with my X and my best friend B was sort of caught in the middle - not so much as who she chose (me) but that she still talked to and occasionally hung out with A. I also moved out of the immediate area so they live close together and I'm about 30 miles out. I was friends with A but never "best" friends. I was friends with A before B and we all became mutual friends as the years past prior to my divorce.

    I handled it by telling B outright when the situation occurred: I don't mind or care that she still hangs out with A. After all, they were friends too and I didn't expect her to cut off friendships because I did. I told her just not to discuss me with A because I didn't trust A and it was none of A's business what I was doing. We both agreed to that and have maintained our friendship in the years since - still strong as ever. She has never lied to me about dealing with A because she knew from day 1 she didn't have to, and I made it comfortable for her to talk about it. I don't bash A. If she tells me about something A has done or is doing that makes her happy I say good for her even though I don't really care lol :yawn:
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
    I didn't think I would be, but I am truly glad that I posted this topic. I appreciate all of you! That includes the smart alecks too! :heart:
  • LifeOnMars_
    LifeOnMars_ Posts: 720 Member
    She was probably just trying to spare your feelings. I wouldn't approach her all angry because you'll sound bitter. Just nicely tell her that its completely fine that she hang out with your former friend and she should never feel the need to lie to protect your feelings. She's caught in the middle.

    ^^ I was thinking the same :)
  • killagb
    killagb Posts: 3,280 Member
    Are you sure you're not pregnant?
  • MsTaurus30
    MsTaurus30 Posts: 55
    She might be trying to spare your feelings or she could be also becoming phony and becoming a closer friend with the other chick but regardless of that being secretive and lien about petty **** is a lil suspect and fake in my opinion so i would just observe her furthermore to see how she acts around you and if she continue to lie about petty things or she slowly stop talking to you then you know what time it is.
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
    She might be trying to spare your feelings or she could be also becoming phony and becoming a closer friend with the other chick but regardless of that being secretive and lien about petty **** is a lil suspect and fake in my opinion so i would just observe her furthermore to see how she acts around you and if she continue to lie about petty things or she slowly stop talking to you then you know what time it is.
    I will definately have my eyes open :wink:
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
    Are you sure you're not pregnant?

    Ummm yep, pretty sure! thanks for asking:laugh:
  • AllanMisner
    AllanMisner Posts: 4,140 Member
    All I would do is post a comment on the picture. Something like, "That looks like fun!" Your friend will realize she's been busted and can decide to come clean if she cares. Otherwise, strike it up to proximity. They live closer, they're more likely to do things together.
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
    I think you're overreacting.
    -wtk
    Yep - sounds like you're close to having yet ANOTHER ex-friend....:laugh:
  • scapez
    scapez Posts: 2,018 Member
    I agree with a lot of the others in that she may be trying to spare your feelings.

    However, you're all adults and I don't see the point in lying.

    I would be honest with her about what you know and how you feel and see what she has to say from there.

    I personally would rather be told the truth than to find out later that I was flat out lied to.
  • ryno0618
    ryno0618 Posts: 361
    The lie isn't cool. Not at all.
    But she was possibly doing it to spare your possible hurt feelings. What do you think?

    From the friend in the middles perspective. its got to kind of suck. trying to be friend with you and the "used to be" friend. I am sure she feels caught in the middle and probably feels she has to step on egg shells and play the field when dealing with both of you. She's probably making it harder on herself. You seem like the type that is above it all. She is naive and stupid to LIE to you when all the evidence to the contrary is posted in the open on facebook. dumb.

    The question you have to ask yourself....is the friend in the middle worth the trouble of being friends with or should you just move on?
  • DaniellePF
    DaniellePF Posts: 308 Member
    This sounds like situations I have been in in the past....closer to my high school years, however. I do not in any way mean that you are being immature, but the whole friend triangle and are they hanging out without me smarts of it. kwim?

    The best thing I did was to get ALL OF THEM out of my life, and spend time with friends I could trust, and not care if they hang out without me, because we all have different schedules, lives, ect. Its really quite nice. I really think that if you continue friendships with the has been or middle or whatever that you will continue to troll facebook because you can't trust them. That is stress and drama that you probably don't need in your life.

    If it were me, I would not cut the middle one out completely, just quietly move on. STOP looking at their FB. If she's a true friend, she will come back from the dark side....If not, really doesn't sound like too great a loss. js.
  • hedgiie
    hedgiie Posts: 1,226 Member
    people lie all the time, even like to themselves sometimes, don't you?
This discussion has been closed.

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