Should I approach this or stay away?

melrose09
melrose09 Posts: 271
edited November 10 in Fitness and Exercise
Not sure where to post this, but there is a women at my gym who, to me, seems like she has an eating disorder. She is literally skin and bones, not an ounce of fat or muscle anywhere on her. I've never seen someone so thin in my life, and I was a gymnast who grew up surrounded by eating disorders. I see her on the elliptical all the time and she is there for full hour+ that I'm there, just slowly jogging non stop. The "savior" in me wants to ask one of the trainers if they've approached her about getting help, but the realist in me says just let her be. What would you all do? So far, I've just been feeling sad for her as I watch from afar.
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Replies

  • shian71
    shian71 Posts: 1
    I have a woman like that at my gym. It always makes me feel sick inside watching her exercise. I haven't approached her. I guess I feel that she has to know she has a disease and a comment from a stranger isn't going to change anything except to make it awkward when we're both at the gym again. If you find a good way of approaching this topic, let me know. It's hard to watch someone slowly kill themselves.
  • KareninCanada
    KareninCanada Posts: 962 Member
    You know, I think it would be fine to talk quietly to one of the staff, IF you think they are qualified trainers and concerned individuals. They might know more than you about her, like maybe she's not anorexic at all but is recovering from some kind of illness. It's hard to judge from a distance.

    I don't know if I could bring myself to out and out confront her about it, but maybe you could start by giving her a friendly smile, introduce yourself since you're there at the same time a lot... maybe she just needs a friend.
  • Emilia6909
    Emilia6909 Posts: 309 Member
    Sadly, nearly every gym has someone like that. I think the trainers would be aware.... One never knows the history of someone like that, so I'd say STAY AWAY! :noway:
  • Elzecat
    Elzecat Posts: 2,916 Member
    Would you approach a stranger on the street if they looked like this? Probably not...

    You don't know her story and you're not a concerned friend or family member...I'd say leave it alone.
    Even if you are truly coming from a place of concern and compassion, a stranger isn't likely to respond well.
  • MarincicS
    MarincicS Posts: 265 Member
    Would you approach someone to tell them they are fat and need to get help?

    I think if you are interested in becoming friends with her, approach her and offer friendship. Otherwise, telling her she's too thin probably won't be very helpful and is not really the place of a stranger.
  • lparsons88
    lparsons88 Posts: 26
    I'd say more than 'just stay away' or 'confronting' her. Why don't you just try and talk to her and establish a new friend maybe. Maybe you two could become friends and start working out together. Or maybe grab lunch. Compliment her and tell her you need support. It's really up to you. I'm a social butterfly but I wouldn't just call someone out on that however I wouldn't sit back and do anything either if I really felt something was up.
  • FitSid
    FitSid Posts: 117 Member
    She probably knows she has an illness and that's why she's there.

    When you think about it this way: she's going to exercise anyway, there's no use in making her feel uncomfortable about going to the gym.

    I understand what you're saying, and it's heartbreaking to see, and there really is nothing you can do in the sense that she's probably already seen professionals with no result.

    Maybe offer your friendship if you are that concerned, but keep in mind she's fragile mind and body wise.
  • melrose09
    melrose09 Posts: 271
    I'd say more than 'just stay away' or 'confronting' her. Why don't you just try and talk to her and establish a new friend maybe. Maybe you two could become friends and start working out together. Or maybe grab lunch. Compliment her and tell her you need support. It's really up to you. I'm a social butterfly but I wouldn't just call someone out on that however I wouldn't sit back and do anything either if I really felt something was up.

    I like this approach. I'll could "stalk" her and when I see her get off the elliptical casually "bump" into her. but to some of the others, I wouldn't approach her directly, I now that it's not my place and I'm not a profession in anything. I would ask one of the trainers. One of them is one of my closest friends and acro partner, so I would probably confide in him and maybe in his off hours at acro practice or something. I'd feel comfortable that he'd know how to handle it. He's a very kind individual and would approach it delicately.

    I pray to God that she is in some sort of recovery program and not nearing death the way she appears to be. I hope I am wrong.
  • donnam40
    donnam40 Posts: 246 Member
    I find this interesting. We feel the need to tell an underweight person we are concerned for their condition/health yet when it comes to someone overweight or obese we don't even consider telling them. My advice is to stay away from it. You can't know for sure what is going on and a comment may make things worse even that is not your intent. Remember, assumptions make an *kitten* out of u and me.

    Donna
  • melrose09
    melrose09 Posts: 271
    I find this interesting. We feel the need to tell an underweight person we are concerned for their condition/health yet when it comes to someone overweight or obese we don't even consider telling them. My advice is to stay away from it. You can't know for sure what is going on and a comment may make things worse even that is not your intent. Remember, assumptions make an *kitten* out of u and me.

    Donna

    I wouldn't say it to her directly. And wouldn't I be partially to blame if she does have a disorder and dies from it if I didn't do anything about it?
  • melrose09
    melrose09 Posts: 271
    I find this interesting. We feel the need to tell an underweight person we are concerned for their condition/health yet when it comes to someone overweight or obese we don't even consider telling them. My advice is to stay away from it. You can't know for sure what is going on and a comment may make things worse even that is not your intent. Remember, assumptions make an *kitten* out of u and me.

    Donna

    I wouldn't say it to her directly. And wouldn't I be partially to blame if she does have a disorder and dies from it if I didn't do anything about it?

    Oh, and she is beyond underweight. I'm underweight.
  • melrose09
    melrose09 Posts: 271
    Maybe I'll just keep praying and hoping that I'm wrong
  • flyawaybyebye
    flyawaybyebye Posts: 250
    Not sure where to post this, but there is a women at my gym who, to me, seems like she has an eating disorder. She is literally skin and bones, not an ounce of fat or muscle anywhere on her. I've never seen someone so thin in my life, and I was a gymnast who grew up surrounded by eating disorders. I see her on the elliptical all the time and she is there for full hour+ that I'm there, just slowly jogging non stop. The "savior" in me wants to ask one of the trainers if they've approached her about getting help, but the realist in me says just let her be. What would you all do? So far, I've just been feeling sad for her as I watch from afar.

    Stay away. It's no less offensive or uncomfortable for someone to comment on your weight when you are underweight than it is for them to comment when you are overweight. It isn't your business. You aren't her best friend or a trusted person in her life. Why in the world would she listen to you? If you talk to the trainers about her, you're gossiping, not helping. If she wants help, she'll seek it out. If she *asks* you for help, then yes, definitely speak up! But if she is already uncomfortable or unhappy with her body, don't you think that having a total stranger comment on it in a negative way is likely to make things worse, not better, for her? I'd really, really caution you to worry about your own health and wellness and not to offer unsolicited advice to ANYONE else, regardless of whether they are overweight or underweight. And having an eating disorder isn't the only reason one might be underweight. Maybe she has cancer and is underweight thanks to chemo treatments? It's not your business unless she takes the initiative to make it your business, and she hasn't. Please, please leave it alone.
  • kunibob
    kunibob Posts: 608 Member
    Not sure where to post this, but there is a women at my gym who, to me, seems like she has an eating disorder. She is literally skin and bones, not an ounce of fat or muscle anywhere on her. I've never seen someone so thin in my life, and I was a gymnast who grew up surrounded by eating disorders. I see her on the elliptical all the time and she is there for full hour+ that I'm there, just slowly jogging non stop. The "savior" in me wants to ask one of the trainers if they've approached her about getting help, but the realist in me says just let her be. What would you all do? So far, I've just been feeling sad for her as I watch from afar.

    I was in this situation once. Like you, I had that urge to try to "save" her. In the end, I decided not to approach, because I came to the conclusion that nothing I could say *would* save her. I figured it might even make things worse by causing her distress. There are also other considerations, such as maybe not an eating disorder, but severe illness or metabolic disorders.

    I'm totally the type of person who wants to save the world one person at a time, so I understand how hard it is to see someone potentially suffering, but I truly think that in this case it's best to stay away. If there is an eating disorder, it may need to come from her loved ones to sink in, and if there isn't, then having a stranger suggest there might be a problem could be devastating for different reasons.

    My two cents!
  • melrose09
    melrose09 Posts: 271
    I will do my best to keep my distance
  • PNWriter
    PNWriter Posts: 223 Member
    If she is as bad off as you say she is, she probably aready realizes she has an eating disorder.....most anorexics or bulemics do. Just say a prayer and give her a smile.
  • raevynn
    raevynn Posts: 666 Member
    It is possible that she has been ill, and is slowly building her strength back up.

    I have a friend who is currently recovering from his third cancer surgery who is basically skin and bones now. He NEEDS to slowly exercise to get his lung capacity back.

    Since you do not know what her situation is, or has been, best thing you can do is find something else to focus on.
  • michaelgilstrap
    michaelgilstrap Posts: 74 Member
    I think you've got the right heart and some experience on the subject, discreetly questioning appropriate people, in my mind, wouldn't be out of line. Especially because I don't think your going to be able to move on if you don't. I think every situation is different in so many ways, so only you can make the final call, a lot of great input given though. Good Luck, If it means anything, I will pray for both of you in this situation.
  • melrose09
    melrose09 Posts: 271
    If she is as bad off as you say she is, she probably aready realizes she has an eating disorder.....most anorexics or bulemics do. Just say a prayer and give her a smile.

    Good point. Hopefully she's already sought help or will soon
  • Helloitsdan
    Helloitsdan Posts: 5,564 Member
    You cant change her.
    You can educate her but you could stir the hornets nest!

    I've done that on here many times and have deleted many an ED person from friends.

    If you decide to take that first step make sure you are fully educated on everything that could go right or wrong with the conversation.

    Good luck!
  • jkdarby
    jkdarby Posts: 53 Member
    I have a friend who is very skinny and looks like she is anorexic. She has tried to gain wait. I gaze in awe at the amount of food she can eat and not gain a pound! She has often talked about going to the gym because she wants to get toned, because she wants muscle definition in her arms. However, she hates getting looks and comments on how skinny she is and that she MUST have an eating disorder. If you don't truly know her story, then you should just stay away.
  • melrose09
    melrose09 Posts: 271
    You all are right. I'm trying to be compassionate and am truly concerned (with or without merit), but it really is not my business.
  • Kymmu
    Kymmu Posts: 1,650 Member
    I have been labeled with an eating disorder, and it was quite a shock for me. I have a healthy BMI and am just naturally thin - like my mum. The person who gave me that unfair label has replied to your question. He doesn't know me in real life. he knows nothing about me- just my measurements. He made my life quite unbearable on mfp.
    Having gone through the public ridicule he put me through, I would say leave her alone - just in case you are wrong. He was.
    If you are right, she needs professional help, maybe more help than you can give her.
    If you are wrong - well it's not nice for her or you. She might have low self esteem because of her body and that would just make her more uncomfortable. Perhaps she is recovering from an illness - who knows?
    It's nice that you care - perhaps you could offer her friendship.
    Good luck and tread carefully.
  • HeaderAutumn
    HeaderAutumn Posts: 119 Member
    Not sure where to post this, but there is a women at my gym who, to me, seems like she has an eating disorder. She is literally skin and bones, not an ounce of fat or muscle anywhere on her. I've never seen someone so thin in my life, and I was a gymnast who grew up surrounded by eating disorders. I see her on the elliptical all the time and she is there for full hour+ that I'm there, just slowly jogging non stop. The "savior" in me wants to ask one of the trainers if they've approached her about getting help, but the realist in me says just let her be. What would you all do? So far, I've just been feeling sad for her as I watch from afar.

    If she does have an eating disorder any kind of attention you give her about her weight can actually encourage her. But she may be dealing with another type of illness also. If you are concerned one day point her out to the manager and say you are concerned. But no one wants unsollicited advice. Leave her in peace.
  • melrose09
    melrose09 Posts: 271
    I have been labeled with an eating disorder, and it was quite a shock for me. I have a healthy BMI and am just naturally thin - like my mum. The person who gave me that unfair label has replied to your question. He doesn't know me in real life. he knows nothing about me- just my measurements. He made my life quite unbearable on mfp.
    Having gone through the public ridicule he put me through, I would say leave her alone - just in case you are wrong. He was.
    If you are right, she needs professional help, maybe more help than you can give her.
    If you are wrong - well it's not nice for her or you. She might have low self esteem because of her body and that would just make her more uncomfortable. Perhaps she is recovering from an illness - who knows?
    It's nice that you care - perhaps you could offer her friendship.
    Good luck and tread carefully.

    Thank you for sharing your first hand experience. I've decided to leave it alone for now.
  • melrose09
    melrose09 Posts: 271
    I think you've got the right heart and some experience on the subject, discreetly questioning appropriate people, in my mind, wouldn't be out of line. Especially because I don't think your going to be able to move on if you don't. I think every situation is different in so many ways, so only you can make the final call, a lot of great input given though. Good Luck, If it means anything, I will pray for both of you in this situation.

    Didn't see this until now. Thank you for the prayers. They never hurt :)
  • janessac
    janessac Posts: 77
    A woman at the gym once told my aunt that her extremely thin and emaciated appearance was "troubling" and a "bad influence" on some of the younger, more impressionable people trying to get in shape the "healthy" way. My aunt is recovering from cancer and chemotherapy took a big toll on her body and she was going to the gym to try and build strength and endurance again in what she thought was a friendly environment. Definitely leave it alone. Even if she DOES have an eating disorder, a comment on her appearance isn't likely to elicit a positive response even if it stems from utmost concern. It's impossible to know anybody's history and background, so just trust that if she does have a problem, a qualified professional will try and help her.
  • taliesyn_
    taliesyn_ Posts: 219 Member
    I find this interesting. We feel the need to tell an underweight person we are concerned for their condition/health yet when it comes to someone overweight or obese we don't even consider telling them. My advice is to stay away from it. You can't know for sure what is going on and a comment may make things worse even that is not your intent. Remember, assumptions make an *kitten* out of u and me.

    Donna

    I wouldn't say it to her directly. And wouldn't I be partially to blame if she does have a disorder and dies from it if I didn't do anything about it?
    No, you wouldn't. She has had opportunities and has made choices. Her choices. You cannot be held responsible for her actions and certainly don't accept any blame for something you have absolutely no control over.
  • beccyleigh
    beccyleigh Posts: 846 Member
    Had one like this come into the gym the other week, I was on mats doing kettlebells & vipr & she had a skipping rope. she spent 20mins skipping all the while staring at me. was very odd.maybe she was motivating herself to stay deadly skinny so she wouldn't look like the slightly fat women using the weights. She also kept skipping over into my persoanl space, maybe she was being competitive, who knows or cares, the end of the day I got on with my thing & she got on with hers (albeit in a very odd creepy way)

    I did decide if it happened again in future I would confront her. I am pretty laid back but staring & invading space for 20mins can push the limit of anyone.

    My advice on this women, let it be. You are not the savior of anyone else, only yourself. concentrate on your own health & thank what ever joo-joo you believe in that you are not afflicted in the same way.
  • Di3012
    Di3012 Posts: 2,247 Member
    Not sure where to post this, but there is a women at my gym who, to me, seems like she has an eating disorder. She is literally skin and bones, not an ounce of fat or muscle anywhere on her. I've never seen someone so thin in my life, and I was a gymnast who grew up surrounded by eating disorders. I see her on the elliptical all the time and she is there for full hour+ that I'm there, just slowly jogging non stop. The "savior" in me wants to ask one of the trainers if they've approached her about getting help, but the realist in me says just let her be. What would you all do? So far, I've just been feeling sad for her as I watch from afar.

    I've seen this twice before, one of the people I would chat to, the other, I never knew at all. The one I used to chat too was told by both somebody else and myself that there was no way they were fat like they said themselves they were and that they should eat. Did it do any good? In a word, not at all.

    Not only did she not listen, but she never lost the conviction that she was overeweight and had rolls of fat on her stomach. In fact, when we asked her to pinch that fat and show us where it was she saw it as being, she pinched the skin. Of course, there was no fat there, whatsoever, but she saw it as such.
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