Should I approach this or stay away?

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  • jkdarby
    jkdarby Posts: 53 Member
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    I have a friend who is very skinny and looks like she is anorexic. She has tried to gain wait. I gaze in awe at the amount of food she can eat and not gain a pound! She has often talked about going to the gym because she wants to get toned, because she wants muscle definition in her arms. However, she hates getting looks and comments on how skinny she is and that she MUST have an eating disorder. If you don't truly know her story, then you should just stay away.
  • melrose09
    melrose09 Posts: 271
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    You all are right. I'm trying to be compassionate and am truly concerned (with or without merit), but it really is not my business.
  • Kymmu
    Kymmu Posts: 1,650 Member
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    I have been labeled with an eating disorder, and it was quite a shock for me. I have a healthy BMI and am just naturally thin - like my mum. The person who gave me that unfair label has replied to your question. He doesn't know me in real life. he knows nothing about me- just my measurements. He made my life quite unbearable on mfp.
    Having gone through the public ridicule he put me through, I would say leave her alone - just in case you are wrong. He was.
    If you are right, she needs professional help, maybe more help than you can give her.
    If you are wrong - well it's not nice for her or you. She might have low self esteem because of her body and that would just make her more uncomfortable. Perhaps she is recovering from an illness - who knows?
    It's nice that you care - perhaps you could offer her friendship.
    Good luck and tread carefully.
  • HeaderAutumn
    HeaderAutumn Posts: 119 Member
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    Not sure where to post this, but there is a women at my gym who, to me, seems like she has an eating disorder. She is literally skin and bones, not an ounce of fat or muscle anywhere on her. I've never seen someone so thin in my life, and I was a gymnast who grew up surrounded by eating disorders. I see her on the elliptical all the time and she is there for full hour+ that I'm there, just slowly jogging non stop. The "savior" in me wants to ask one of the trainers if they've approached her about getting help, but the realist in me says just let her be. What would you all do? So far, I've just been feeling sad for her as I watch from afar.

    If she does have an eating disorder any kind of attention you give her about her weight can actually encourage her. But she may be dealing with another type of illness also. If you are concerned one day point her out to the manager and say you are concerned. But no one wants unsollicited advice. Leave her in peace.
  • melrose09
    melrose09 Posts: 271
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    I have been labeled with an eating disorder, and it was quite a shock for me. I have a healthy BMI and am just naturally thin - like my mum. The person who gave me that unfair label has replied to your question. He doesn't know me in real life. he knows nothing about me- just my measurements. He made my life quite unbearable on mfp.
    Having gone through the public ridicule he put me through, I would say leave her alone - just in case you are wrong. He was.
    If you are right, she needs professional help, maybe more help than you can give her.
    If you are wrong - well it's not nice for her or you. She might have low self esteem because of her body and that would just make her more uncomfortable. Perhaps she is recovering from an illness - who knows?
    It's nice that you care - perhaps you could offer her friendship.
    Good luck and tread carefully.

    Thank you for sharing your first hand experience. I've decided to leave it alone for now.
  • melrose09
    melrose09 Posts: 271
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    I think you've got the right heart and some experience on the subject, discreetly questioning appropriate people, in my mind, wouldn't be out of line. Especially because I don't think your going to be able to move on if you don't. I think every situation is different in so many ways, so only you can make the final call, a lot of great input given though. Good Luck, If it means anything, I will pray for both of you in this situation.

    Didn't see this until now. Thank you for the prayers. They never hurt :)
  • janessac
    janessac Posts: 77
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    A woman at the gym once told my aunt that her extremely thin and emaciated appearance was "troubling" and a "bad influence" on some of the younger, more impressionable people trying to get in shape the "healthy" way. My aunt is recovering from cancer and chemotherapy took a big toll on her body and she was going to the gym to try and build strength and endurance again in what she thought was a friendly environment. Definitely leave it alone. Even if she DOES have an eating disorder, a comment on her appearance isn't likely to elicit a positive response even if it stems from utmost concern. It's impossible to know anybody's history and background, so just trust that if she does have a problem, a qualified professional will try and help her.
  • taliesyn_
    taliesyn_ Posts: 219 Member
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    I find this interesting. We feel the need to tell an underweight person we are concerned for their condition/health yet when it comes to someone overweight or obese we don't even consider telling them. My advice is to stay away from it. You can't know for sure what is going on and a comment may make things worse even that is not your intent. Remember, assumptions make an *kitten* out of u and me.

    Donna

    I wouldn't say it to her directly. And wouldn't I be partially to blame if she does have a disorder and dies from it if I didn't do anything about it?
    No, you wouldn't. She has had opportunities and has made choices. Her choices. You cannot be held responsible for her actions and certainly don't accept any blame for something you have absolutely no control over.
  • beccyleigh
    beccyleigh Posts: 847 Member
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    Had one like this come into the gym the other week, I was on mats doing kettlebells & vipr & she had a skipping rope. she spent 20mins skipping all the while staring at me. was very odd.maybe she was motivating herself to stay deadly skinny so she wouldn't look like the slightly fat women using the weights. She also kept skipping over into my persoanl space, maybe she was being competitive, who knows or cares, the end of the day I got on with my thing & she got on with hers (albeit in a very odd creepy way)

    I did decide if it happened again in future I would confront her. I am pretty laid back but staring & invading space for 20mins can push the limit of anyone.

    My advice on this women, let it be. You are not the savior of anyone else, only yourself. concentrate on your own health & thank what ever joo-joo you believe in that you are not afflicted in the same way.
  • Di3012
    Di3012 Posts: 2,250 Member
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    Not sure where to post this, but there is a women at my gym who, to me, seems like she has an eating disorder. She is literally skin and bones, not an ounce of fat or muscle anywhere on her. I've never seen someone so thin in my life, and I was a gymnast who grew up surrounded by eating disorders. I see her on the elliptical all the time and she is there for full hour+ that I'm there, just slowly jogging non stop. The "savior" in me wants to ask one of the trainers if they've approached her about getting help, but the realist in me says just let her be. What would you all do? So far, I've just been feeling sad for her as I watch from afar.

    I've seen this twice before, one of the people I would chat to, the other, I never knew at all. The one I used to chat too was told by both somebody else and myself that there was no way they were fat like they said themselves they were and that they should eat. Did it do any good? In a word, not at all.

    Not only did she not listen, but she never lost the conviction that she was overeweight and had rolls of fat on her stomach. In fact, when we asked her to pinch that fat and show us where it was she saw it as being, she pinched the skin. Of course, there was no fat there, whatsoever, but she saw it as such.
  • merzback
    merzback Posts: 453 Member
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    Not sure where to post this, but there is a women at my gym who, to me, seems like she has an eating disorder. She is literally skin and bones, not an ounce of fat or muscle anywhere on her. I've never seen someone so thin in my life, and I was a gymnast who grew up surrounded by eating disorders. I see her on the elliptical all the time and she is there for full hour+ that I'm there, just slowly jogging non stop. The "savior" in me wants to ask one of the trainers if they've approached her about getting help, but the realist in me says just let her be. What would you all do? So far, I've just been feeling sad for her as I watch from afar.

    There was a woman in my gym like that once. I was in a step class and while we were cooling down, she was still jumping in the air. I talked to management and they said they couldn't do a thing legally.
  • 30yearssincebikini
    30yearssincebikini Posts: 261
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    I have a sister like that. She is perfectly normal. She is just super skinny. She can go to a buffet dinner and fill her plate three times plus have a dessert! She has three kids too. She says she is always asked if she is anorexic. Someone just the other day flat out asked her if she throws up, meaning does she have bulimia. She finds it insulting. She can't help the way she is and wishes others would leave her alone about it.

    My father was this way too, (I took after my plump mother) and I believe it's hereditary.
  • rumsuck8
    rumsuck8 Posts: 59 Member
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    Wow, this is a tough one. I love the fact that you are sooo very caring. I think If I were to intervene in anyway at all, I would inquire as to whether she has a family or support system. Nearly everyone does. That is where her intervention should begin. Perhaps you could strike up a conversation with her on that subject or ask one of the trainers or staff. I personally, would avoid stepping in though. Good Luck and please let us know how this turns out.
  • douglasmobbs
    douglasmobbs Posts: 563 Member
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    I know what my reaction has been when strangers have come up to me and tell me I need to lose weight.

    Would you tell a drug addict or a drunk in the street that they are harming them self?

    Its nice that you want to help people, but you are risking a lot doing so, I would let it be.
  • PrincessMorticia
    PrincessMorticia Posts: 96 Member
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    I'd say more than 'just stay away' or 'confronting' her. Why don't you just try and talk to her and establish a new friend maybe. Maybe you two could become friends and start working out together. Or maybe grab lunch. Compliment her and tell her you need support. It's really up to you. I'm a social butterfly but I wouldn't just call someone out on that however I wouldn't sit back and do anything either if I really felt something was up.

    Agreed ^^^ . I wasn't sure how I would react in your situation when I read your post. Part of me is thinking that talking to a trainer or even her directly wouldn't do any good and could be problematic, but the other part of me is thinking that people NOT speaking up and taking action to show their care and concern for others is what's so wrong with the world today! Talk to her, try to establish a rapport. Maybe ask her if she'd like to be your workout buddy while you're there, and you can get a conversation going and get to know her.
  • rayleansout
    rayleansout Posts: 234
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    Talk to her and make her a friend, dont say a word about her being to skinny. It does not hurt anyone to be a friend, and it might be just what she needs, dont judge, just be her friend.
  • hettylair
    hettylair Posts: 86 Member
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    If she is as bad off as you say she is, she probably aready realizes she has an eating disorder.....most anorexics or bulemics do. Just say a prayer and give her a smile.

    Yep, Smile at her. Maybe she could use a friend. Let her be the one to approach the subject, just like you would let a severely overweight person approach the subject of weight loss. If she is anorexic, saying something to her won't fix her. A smile and a kind word goes a long way though.
    Hetty
  • kunibob
    kunibob Posts: 608 Member
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    You all are right. I'm trying to be compassionate and am truly concerned (with or without merit), but it really is not my business.

    I think it's really, really awesome that you care this much about a stranger's well-being, by the way, and even better that you came here to ask for advice to figure out the best way to approach it, if at all. That shows both caring for others AND consideration, two very important traits. Think how awesome the world would be if everyone was this way. :smile:

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