Feeling like a horrible person.
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1. I understand her feelings, and they are completely valid.
2. Is there a way for me to mend hurt feelings in this instance, or should I simply step back and give her space and hope that we can be friends in the future? I'm lost.
1. No they are not valid! She is angry with you because others are also mentioning your weight loss? What are you going to do tell people not to mention it near her? Most of this is her issues.
2. Your obviously a sweet human being but I suspect the only thing that will make her feel better is if you go into a eating frenzy and gain even more weight.
Dont let others suck the joy from you. Your amazing.0 -
honestly i don't know why you feel responsible for this person's lack of self-esteem. she sounds like she is the one who needs to grow up because getting mad at you for losing weight when she doesn't hardly makes her a good friend no matter how annoying you are talking about it. real friends are happy for you and will put up with you talking obsessively about something you are into. try not to stress too much about it. and if it is making your work environment uncomfortable i would confront it head on in an assertive way. she might not like that much either but you did what you could do and moved on.0
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i did run into this and i can entirly relate to what your going through. it became my identity as well and friends/coworkers started to get upset and distance theirselves from me and i just couldnt understand why. sometimes a situation like this needs a bigger person. if you really care about being her friend then you should talk to her or send her an email. tell her exactly what you said, about it becoming your identity and you didnt know that it was affecting others. if she feels down about it and has acted the way she has im sure theres jealousy involved. maybe you can try involving her like having her make a MFP or workout with her... i think thats the best thing you can do for now.
dont worry about it too much i know it can get you down but you should have friends that support you not friends that get that way when you are only trying to improve yourself0 -
I agree with previous posters there isn't much you can really do in tbhis situation except maybe not talk about MFP and weight loss so much. No matter how much weight you lose, where you go in live, or how successful you are there's always going to be someone who won't like it. You can't please everyone and if she's not happy for your success in this journey then don't sweat it. IMO she's acting very childishly and should be able to talk to YOU about the issue she has with you not talk to other people. I'll admit I have the same problem sometimes with talking about weight loss and MFP too much but that's just a part of who I am now and I try to catch myself. You should still be friendly to this coworker and say hi if you pass each other, be civil you know, but there isn't much you can do. She has to come around in her own time and if she doesn't then she wasn't that good of a friend to begin with.0
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I agree with Hippychick. Your integrity is calling you to make right an unintentional offense. Calmly consider the appropriate way to approach your coworker that will be well-received and apologize for being insensitive to her reaction to your success. Explain that in the joy of your accomplishment sometimes it is easy to lose sight of other things like encouraging others in their own goals.
I totally "get it." I had a former doctor of mine not recognize me yesterday when I ran into him. When he asked me how I lost the 60 lbs I simply said, "Lots of hard work." I reserve details now for those that are truly interested, though I admit on my part I used to promote the "how" at every opportunity. It is a testimony worth sharing, I think, and so excitement drives us to want others to have our joy. But for those that don't understand its implications it seems like an obsession.
I have a coworker that had surgical intervention and lost a great deal of weight, but has not had the level of success that different food choices would give her. If she fueled her body from a different source than readily accessible fast food chains she would see more benefit than she has. Still, all I can do is rejoice with her for the progress she has made and try to keep my own choices as under-spoken as I can.
For you, follow your heart, but as others have tried to say, you are not responsible for her response, only your own attempt to make right whatever offense may be on your side of the table.
(peace.)
^^this^^ I couldn't have said it any where near as good as this. Very wise words and very humble too.0 -
Lots of good responses already. Thanks for posting, it gave me cause to "self-reflect" as well. I try not to talk about my WL journey in the workplace; however it does come up - people comment, ask questions, etc. I try not to bring it up. I've ridden the rollercoaster for years and have encountered the support, jealousy and sabatoge - thus I try to keep it to myself at work. That being said -
1) Do not feel horrible. How about the fact that this woman isn't feeling happy and supportive for you? Instead she's making herself out to be a victim. Your actions have not been against her. (Friends are supposed to support one another. No room for jealousy in friendship - in my opinion.)
2) Instead of "obsessed", how about "committed"? Your success is AWESOME - and you should be feeling GREAT about it!
3) Along with what others have suggested on your approach to her, I would begin with "someone shared with me that....", to give her an opportunity to clarify any potential misinterpretations; i.e. state her own feelings. (As oftentimes things get misinterpreted as the information gets passed along.)
4) If you can't reach resolve, you may have to just let it go and be more careful about what information you share in the workplace.
It's sad that so many people look for stuff to be upset about. It's also sad that others have made comments to her about your weight loss - like they are digging at her. : (
You can't control others' behaviors and feelings. Keep taking care of you! :flowerforyou:0 -
Don't take it personally. I'm guessing if someone else around her had done the same thing, she would feel the same way about them. By seeing you regularly, her most cherished excuse- 'it cannot be done" - is being dismantled.
It's the daily confrontation of what she does not/ cannot face about her own convictions that's eliciting her anger and other negative feelings. Although you would probably like to help her (part of the evangelical aspect of your journey) you cannot until she is ready - you know that from your own experience. But be warned, people in her position typically have a shot at bringing you down, undoing your progress, usually by making you feel guilty for their condition. All you can really do is... move on. Keep on moving on, and look after yourself.
"Whatever you are - be a good one" - Abraham Lincoln.0 -
I know it's exciting for you to be losing all this weight ( by the way, congratulations ) but not everybody wants to hear about it, day in and day out.
I was the same until my son said " for god sake mum you are getting on peoples nerves, you don't talk about anything else,your obsessed with it". Thinking about it, he was right.
By the way my son is really supportive but didn't want to hear about it all the time, and I did apologise for being a dieting bore
, My S-I-L is dieting and we now bore each other .lol.
Why not buy a small bunch of flowers and apologise if you have been a" diet bore " and hope you can still be friend, that way you will know one way or another if she still wants to be a friend and you have put the ball in her court and now it's up to her0 -
I think most people, I know I did go through an obsessive phase. I think its almost needed thats how we brake the bad habits keeping our goals the new lifestyle in the forefront of our minds,other wise it would simply be to easy to fall back. This obsession can be hard on people around us, especially those who do not have an invested interest in us like co-workers. The only thing you can do is apologize and try not to talk so much about it at work. You cant change the past only adjustments for the future.0
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my style...
My temporary plan is just to stand back, give her her space, and shut up.
I think that's the way to go and you never know, you might find the right moment at some stage to have a chat with her.
Talking about dieting and losing weight is boring and yes, can be difficult on people who are struggling with their weight themselves. I know where you're coming from, I've been obsessed with it as well and when I look at the amount you've lost you've done a more than amazing job, so no wonder it's such a big thing in your life. But it's your thing, keep it to yourself and to MFP.0 -
I don't feel that you have anything to apologise for, it is obviously her issue and she will find a way to deal with it if she want's to.
In the meantime when in her company just ask her about herself and try to discuss issues that aren't weight related once you have your relationship on track you will be able to discuss the differences between you.
I agree with this. I also think she may be having a hard time with your success, which can hurt - especially if you guys started together. She probably feels inadequate and left behind. That's really her issue, not yours. All you can do is encourage her and give her space when she needs it. She'll come around. Good luck!0 -
Thanks all. I still feel badly that my actions have caused her to react like this, and to feel the way she is feeling, although I'm starting to remember that she too has a choice in how she interprets and reacts to situations.
I don't have enough friends that I will ever willingly relinquish one, so I will be attempting to mend bridges, but I think I'll give her a bit of space right now, and let her choose when to try our friendship again. If she never wants to, I will be poorer without her, but life goes on.
I agree with this. She is responsible for her choices and if she didn't want to hear about it, all she needed to do was stand up and say "Please stop talking about it so much." It sounds to me like extreme envy and the pressure is on her to lose weight now that you have shown it can be done no matter where you are starting and how far you have to go.
You should not have to apologize for how someone else handles your success! Her bad for talking to another co-worker about it rather than coming to you. I think you should just go about your business as usual, maybe now that you are aware of the situation just let your actions (ie food choices) and very visible results speak for themselves and talk about other things.
Yes very awkward in a small office (I am in one too and one can always find something to be offended about if one chooses, no matter the size of the company!). If she gets to the place within herself where she is ready to change, perhaps she will find you an inspiration. Right now she finds it threatening and probably feels like she stands out in a negative way in light of your accomplishment.
A TRUE FRIEND celebrates your successes and mourns your failures regardless of what is going on in their life. A TRUE FRIEND would speak to you directly if they had a problem with something you said or did or your behavior in general. This person is not behaving like a friend.
Give her space and time and continue on your journey to find YOU!0 -
So I'm feeling like a total *kitten*. I managed to alienate a coworker of mine, and was totally unaware that I was doing so. She's now super mad at me, resentful that I've had some success losing the weight (we were about the same size when I started this), and decided to not sit in the same area as I do when we work together, and gets really angry if I try to sit with her. I know that I become obsessed with things, and I took a step back tonight and realized that this is pretty much all I talk about now. Losing weight has become my identity, and when I think about it, I don't talk about much else. I didn't realize how much it hurt her, and how much comments from other coworkers made to her about me hurt her. I don't know how to fix this, or what I should do. I feel horrible about it. I heard this all from another coworker, who is a mutual friend, and I feel bad that he was put in that position, but worse that the coworker who is angry at me was afraid to approach me about this. I wish there was something that I could do to help her self confidence. I wish I was more approachable. I wish this situation wasn't occurring. I understand her feelings, and they are completely valid. But that doesn't mean that I'm quite the heartless ***** I make myself out to be, and it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I need to find a balance. I need to find an identity, my identity, outside of this weight loss journey. Has anyone else run into this? How did you handle it? Is there a way for me to mend hurt feelings in this instance, or should I simply step back and give her space and hope that we can be friends in the future? I'm lost.
In time she will calm down and when she does, you can either try to approach her in person or write her a letter, fully apologizing and basically telling her what you just wrote here.
If you try to approach her right this minute, she would most likely flip her lid as she is so angry.
You never actually explained exactly WHAT it was you did that annoyed her so. Was it just where you kept going on and on about dieting and weightloss or something extra?0 -
I realised a couple of months ago that I was doing the exact same thing. The only thing I would talk about is calories, exercise, weight etc. Since I realised I've conciously shut myself up and tried to find other things to talk about. If I were you I'd be quite for a little while, just leave her be. Then after a couple of weeks or so try starting a conversation with her about something really little, even if it's just the weather. I think right now she justs needs some space. Hope that helps0
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You never actually explained exactly WHAT it was you did that annoyed her so. Was it just where you kept going on and on about dieting and weightloss or something extra?
Didn't say because I'm not quite sure. I think it was a accumulation of my actions with my excitement over my changes and the success I've been having, as well as comments made by other coworkers and supervisors on the visible changes that they have observed, and them comparing her to me. I realize the second is out of my control entirely, so I can only take responsibility for my contribution to the situation.0 -
So I'm feeling like a total *kitten*. I managed to alienate a coworker of mine, and was totally unaware that I was doing so. She's now super mad at me, resentful that I've had some success losing the weight (we were about the same size when I started this), and decided to not sit in the same area as I do when we work together, and gets really angry if I try to sit with her. I know that I become obsessed with things, and I took a step back tonight and realized that this is pretty much all I talk about now. Losing weight has become my identity, and when I think about it, I don't talk about much else. I didn't realize how much it hurt her, and how much comments from other coworkers made to her about me hurt her. I don't know how to fix this, or what I should do. I feel horrible about it. I heard this all from another coworker, who is a mutual friend, and I feel bad that he was put in that position, but worse that the coworker who is angry at me was afraid to approach me about this. I wish there was something that I could do to help her self confidence. I wish I was more approachable. I wish this situation wasn't occurring. I understand her feelings, and they are completely valid. But that doesn't mean that I'm quite the heartless ***** I make myself out to be, and it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I need to find a balance. I need to find an identity, my identity, outside of this weight loss journey. Has anyone else run into this? How did you handle it? Is there a way for me to mend hurt feelings in this instance, or should I simply step back and give her space and hope that we can be friends in the future? I'm lost.
Go over and apologize. Say you're very sorry if you upset them and you'll try to be more respectful/sensitive in the future. If that doesn't work move on, but at least you tried.0 -
Sorry to hear you are going through this.
you sound like a lovely bubbly happy person and I hope this rubs off on your friend. your friendship has to on a different footing now and she is probably feeling bad about herself as she knows you are doing the right thing. ask her for her help in motivating you. turn the tables and see if you can get her to feel needed as that is what everyone wants in the end
keep giving yourself a pat on the back and enjoy your new fitness. you wouldnt want to put the weight back on just to have a friend who may not support you even then.
try your best to make it right but if it doesnt work dont beat your self up as you sound lovely0 -
First of all, stop thinking about yourself as a horrible person. You haven't done anything wrong. The thing is, everyone wants to lose weight. Everyone. Even people who claim that they are happy being overweight. The reality of trying to lose weight, for all its "simplicity" is actually a neverending exercise in patience, dedication and hard work. Not everyone is capable of committing to something like that. And it isn't easy to face that about yourself when you have someone right in front of you that can. I've tried to lose weight countless times over the last 10 years, and right now, I finally understand. Something finally clicked. I feel like I cracked the code. It's a lot to take in. Sometimes I almost feel myself getting overwhelmed with how much I've put myself through to lose weight when all I needed to do was what I'm doing now.
When you make self discoveries like that, it changes you. It changes who you are and it changes how you view yourself. Kiwi, you have lost 123 pounds, so I know you understand exactly what I am talking about. That weight loss does not happen without total dedication. Because weight loss-the healthy kind of weight loss, long term goal oriented weight loss-takes time, that means that to succeed you have to make this a part of your life every single day. There is no way to avoid changing when you become enlightened with the knowledge and self awareness that you have the power to change your life and lose the weight that has been standing in the way of your happiness for all those years.
What I've learned on this journey is that the people that love you, the people that you want to be in your life-those people will listen and engage with you on this journey, because they want to take this journey with you! And sadly, I have also learned that there will be people that you will either need to accept that they cannot participate in this part of your journey, or even that they are possibly may not fit into your new life anymore. I am not suggesting that you should dump your friends that you won't lose weight with you! But you may have to accept that the people that you had "lots in common with" when you were both overweight, may no longer share the same point of view when you can't share cake, pizza and soda together.
If this person is truly a person you would like to continue to have in your life, then I recommend talking to her. Tell her exactly how you feel. After that it is out of your hands. You are not responsible for other people's emotions. Best of luck and congratulations on your astounding weight loss!0 -
Again, thank you all! I went to the gym after I finished my longer than normal shift last night and ran until I couldn't any more to get out my emotion on this whole thing. I still hurt (both mentally and now physically - but that's my own fault), and have thought this through more, and I think I know what I am going to do.
I will apologize at this point, and I will let her have all the space she requires, and I will let her make the decision as to when and if we continue a friendship. I have let go of all the resentful feelings that were starting to creep in, and if she decides we can be friends, I will simply try to shut up about this journey around her, unless she specifically asks.
If she never decides to continue the friendship, I will be ok with that. I will mourn the loss of a friend, but I will be ok.0 -
seriously, people (women, mostly) apologise too readily! you haven't done anything to be sorry about. you can make her aware that you feel you were unintentionally irritating her, and that you will cease and desist etc, but apologise? i wouldn't go that far. you should be really clear about what you're apologising for. you actually feel bad that she feels bad. that doesn't mean you should apologise for your actions. to be honest, i think if there's any of apologising, it's her for speaking out of turn about you to colleagues (a real no-no in my book). just acknowledge to her you recognised it and will change, and move on.0
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