Spousal Apathy

For one, I would not want my husband to call me fat (I know you didnt say that, just saying). If anything I would tell her you are really having a hard time controlling your urge to eat the foods you used too and ask her if she would help and do it with you, for your support..NOT her weight. Ask her to go for walks, I mean get "romantic" if you need to and plan a healthy picnic somewhere and go for a walk. I would probably get defensive too, and Im not meaning to say trick her, but I mean if you make her feel beautiful and then get her to eat healthy/exercise in not so obvious ways, it may help..

I know it's hard watching her do what she's doing, but remember she may not be in the same mental place you are as far as weight. You were able to make your own decision and she should be able to make her own. She may not be ready to make that kind of life change yet. My advice to you would be to continue on your journey without worrying what she is doing. However, feel free to do exercises and invite her along. You could volunteer to make dinners for both of you so she can see what healthy and delicious foods are available. Invite her into your new lifestyle, but don't take away her choice. And lastly, my husband told me at one time that he loved me but didn't find me attractive anymore due to my weight gain. It crushed me, but I did work to lose weight for him and am continuing to do so. However, this comes at a price. Although I am back to my original weight of when he met me, the pain is not gone and the self esteem has not returned. I have a constant fear that he doesn't find me attractive still. This is a problem. If you do decide to tell her how you feel and she stays with you and works to lose the weight, I recommend to lavish compliments on her as she loses the weight. You will forever after need to reassure her that you love her on a much more frequent basis then you do now. I would also like to point out that "for better or for worse" means not leaving because you're living through the "worse" part. She may not be attractive to every aspect of your appearance either, but that doesn't mean it's okay to leave.

So there's my 2 cents

Just as you did, she'll have to figure it out for herself and make the change for herself. I've seen too many people try to change for others only to resent them later for it or just relapse...

I'm not married, but I am in a long term relationship and I am female... I am over weight and my boyfriend is perfectly fit. He is naturally fit so he doesn't have a diet and doesn't care what he eats. It's a little frustrating sometimes to eat a turkey wrap and sit there and watch him eat a big fat greasy cheeseburger with fries. Anyways, I kind of know what you're going through so here's my advice:

Don't sugar coat it, but be as nice as you can be while being honest. Tell her you're concerned about her weight because it could have serious health risks later on in life. Do your research, and present it in a loving, caring fashion instead of a "listen, you're fat" (over exaggeration).

Hope that helps!

What's that saying? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink?

Your wife has to decide to make the change on her own, and she doesn't seem to be ready yet. Keep setting a good example and offering to include her in things - workouts, healthy eating, etc - and she'll come to the other side

When was the last time you both had a physical? A THOROUGH physical. If you share the same doctor, have him counsel you both on ALL possible health risks. Once you've done that, let it sit a day and then talk to her about BOTH of your current health status and focus on the (expected) length of time you have together.

If she doesnt care...she needs to. For not only herself, but your relationship. Life is precious and fragile...I know this far too well.

My husband has been seeing me do this and it is working for me. he is slowly making changes in his eating habits now.

Keep doing what you are doing. She might see how much you enjoy your new choices and decide to try. Maybe walk together? Offer to cook dinner for her. Maybe she will find that she likes some healthy alternatives. I know my man is very athletic and I have no interest in street hockey, rock climbing, or mountain bike riding but, we can take the dogs out on long walks and hikes. I am even entertaining doing a 5k now. But it has taken 2 years of trying to change me for me to even conceder a 5K. It might take a while but she might come around. Invite her along and be a positive example! Don’t just keep pointing out her flaws because you do want her to feel good about herself. But maybe you want a reason to get out of the relationship.

It is this simple. She can't change for you. She has to change for herself. If you put her on the defensive, it is more likely to backfire than help. She has to get to that point on her own.

As far as feeling the way you do, I understand. I'm struggling with that too but part of that is a response to our own changes. I have dealt with both ends of the spectrum. You basically have to accept the situation for what it is. Let it go.

Having said that, you can ask if she will walk with you, etc. Make it about helping you. Don't make it about her.

I am going through the same thing with my husband. It is discouraging and difficult to see him go down hill as I get healthier. It is also hard to see him eating all of the tempting foods as I am trying to avoid them. I am looking forward to the comments on this thread. It will hopefully help me too. Good luck!

I'm married, my husband is in great shape...he worked out ever since I've known him, I became overweight after our first child. I knew I was overweight for many years. I can tell you that even though I saw him working out all the time, it didn't make me want to. I had to get into the right frame of mind. He has never called me fat, he has always been supportive. Us working out together has made our relationship stronger in many ways ;-)
Maybe you can find something you guys like to do together to get some exercise in, and maybe you can tell her how you are feeling in a non-judgemental way. Communication is key. I wish you the best of luck.

Not married but I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. When we started dating we were fit and happy and the last couple years (since his mom passed) we have wandered down this road of unhealthiness. While we have gone on crash diets together we have never ever made a lifestyle change. So one day I decided that this is what I was going to do: log my food, cut cals, work my *kitten* off because I was sick and tired of only being 22 and weighing too much. He didn't jump on the band wagon to begin with but I think once he saw I was making a real effort his interest somewhat peaked. Then I told him that I'm on the healthy train and he can jump on, if he doesn't I'm not looking back. We now love to eat well and flex at each other.

Understandably it's a lot different because the two of you are married. Try to tell her you want her to work out with you and you want her to join you on the journey to a better life. At some point it's not about being fat or overweight or not feeling skinny enough and it's about staying alive. You don't want to watch her kill herself.

But I like to think of being overweight or having a bad relationship with food as being addicted to a hardcore drug. You cannot force a heroin addict to quit, they have to WANT to quit. Same with someone who wants to get healthy, they have to WANT it.

I hope things work out for you. Looking forward to an update!

Its possible that once you lose a significant amount more of weight that she will open her eyes and see how unhealthy she is being. She probably figures this is a phase you are going through .... but once she realizes how serious you are she will come around. Good luck!!!

As far as the "not being attracted" to her....I think this is common when it comes to this type of situation (sad but true)

I think once she sees you continuing to lose weight, and feeling more and more better about yourself--she'll think she better do something regarding her weight. I know I wouldn't want to be left behind if my hubby was on a great weight loss journey and I was staying stagnant.
Also, this is funny...I just bought a full length mirror, and was shocked at how I really looked...I shrieked to my husband "Why the hell didn't you tell me I was this freakin' heavy?". He laughed and said he did in a round-about way. I said if I ever get this big again, just tell me straight up..."Honey, you're fat". Hey, if you can't be honest and upfront with your spouse--then who can you be?
Keep focused on yourself. YOU are making yourself healthier everyday. Your wife has to come to terms with her weight in her own time.
Congrats on your weight loss so far!!

The best way to change someone else is to change YOUR attitude/behavior toward them. IE: instead of nagging, find a trait that you adore in her, a positive behavior of hers that you can compliment her on. Give her time and be there for her when she decides to do this. It is very overwhelming when you feel like you have so far to go, why try??? Also, when you see an inspiring success with pics on MFP, casually mention how inspiring this is for you to continue and hold to your resolve to eat healthier and work out even when you just do not feel like it. You did not reach this decision over night and you can't realistically expect her to jump on board in a heartbeat. But as you get more inspiring and more complimentary to her, I think she will have more desire and it will then be you job to be her loudest cheer leader (to her level of privacy comfort that is.)