Spousal Apathy

I am a crappy husband and father. I'm angry most of the time, quick tempered and kind of a jerk to be around. I did some serious thinking and came to the realization that it's because I don't like myself, so I am taking it out on them. Without going into a lot of tedious detail, part of it stems from my self image. I look in the mirror and despise the bloated, pasty mess that stares back.

Might I enter a thought? I was once living and married with a man who had similar qualities and (probably worse) in his reportoire of things he seemed to enjoy doing. For 20 years I supported him through this kind of struggle. Let me tell you that sitting back and watching the man you love, suffer and struggle with his demons and not be able to "fix" him so that you can both live long and happy lives together.....is not something that a women wears lightly...so to speak. She is dealing with that in some way, shape or form. In other words, perhaps once you change yourself into the better you that you strive to be...it might actually turn her head and wake her out of her "sleep" and she might be motivated to follow you and you will both live happily ever after?

Here is the situation: My wife and I are both overweight. I think she qualifies as obese, but I'm not sure, I'm not very good at judging other people. She says she is under 300 lbs. I decided at the first of the year that I was tired of looking the way I do, so I have been mostly diligent at logging and watching what I eat. My wife tells me she is very supportive, but when I am making my meals, she will be cooking tortellini, noodles with gravy, eating ice cream while I am munching a veggie burger. Granted, I have lost almost 30 pounds, with another 30 to go.

How can I approach her? When I discuss her weight she becomes very defensive. The other problem I have (and this is more serious) I find myself being less attracted to her. Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly, I just keep seeing her continuing down the same path and wonder if we are still going to be walking together later.

Well for one don't mention anything about HER weight. And when suggesting exercises and such. Ask her to go on a "romantic" walk with you. That way it still counts as some exercise she's getting plus it may or may not ease your mind a little bit. Maybe even find some healthy recipes, and possibly suggest she "try" a bite of something you made. But omg don't say "weight loss recipes". If you have to mention it say, "healthy recipes". And I myself am married too so I know what it feels like to have a semi-unsupportive spouse for weight loss and such.

First, let me say, congrats on your weight loss! You should be proud of all your hard work! As a woman, I can tell you there is NO easy way to approach this with your wife! But It has to be done, there's no avoiding it. However you decide to confront her, just remember to be sympathetic and understanding. After all, if anyone can understand how hard and frustrating it is to lose weight, I'm sure it's you... I would take more of an "I'm scared for your health, I want us to have many more years together" approach versus the "I'm not really all that attracted to you anymore" approach! I can totally understand where you are coming from, although I haven't actually been there before... I can see how it could affect your view of her. However you decide to move forward, I think you will be fine as long as you do it out of love and kindness. Good luck!

Just saw this and thought it was a new post. Sorry. Congratulations on getting her to join you!

I know it's hard watching her do what she's doing, but remember she may not be in the same mental place you are as far as weight. You were able to make your own decision and she should be able to make her own. She may not be ready to make that kind of life change yet. My advice to you would be to continue on your journey without worrying what she is doing. However, feel free to do exercises and invite her along. You could volunteer to make dinners for both of you so she can see what healthy and delicious foods are available. Invite her into your new lifestyle, but don't take away her choice. And lastly, my husband told me at one time that he loved me but didn't find me attractive anymore due to my weight gain. It crushed me, but I did work to lose weight for him and am continuing to do so. However, this comes at a price. Although I am back to my original weight of when he met me, the pain is not gone and the self esteem has not returned. I have a constant fear that he doesn't find me attractive still. This is a problem. If you do decide to tell her how you feel and she stays with you and works to lose the weight, I recommend to lavish compliments on her as she loses the weight. You will forever after need to reassure her that you love her on a much more frequent basis then you do now. I would also like to point out that "for better or for worse" means not leaving because you're living through the "worse" part. She may not be attractive to every aspect of your appearance either, but that doesn't mean it's okay to leave.

So there's my 2 cents

I agree with this. I'm sorry, Thinking! My husband assures me he loves me, but at the same token hates fat.. He doesn't hide his comments even from me. Yesterday, I asked if he could see a change yet.. First words out of his mouth was You haven't been doing anything... I'm crushed, and having a hard time today.

And lastly, my husband told me at one time that he loved me but didn't find me attractive anymore due to my weight gain. It crushed me, but I did work to lose weight for him and am continuing to do so. However, this comes at a price. Although I am back to my original weight of when he met me, the pain is not gone and the self esteem has not returned. I have a constant fear that he doesn't find me attractive still. This is a problem. If you do decide to tell her how you feel and she stays with you and works to lose the weight, I recommend to lavish compliments on her as she loses the weight. You will forever after need to reassure her that you love her on a much more frequent basis then you do now. I would also like to point out that "for better or for worse" means not leaving because you're living through the "worse" part. She may not be attractive to every aspect of your appearance either, but that doesn't mean it's okay to leave.

This! This is exactly what happened to me. My fiance, who is, and always has been into bodybuilding just finally told me he was not attracted me at this weight and couldnt get into being intimate with me. He said it in such a horrible and hurtful way that I finally decided it was time to do something about it. But, I will NEVER forget his words and how he talked to me. Please be kind to her and loving to her...no matter what. Its really hard to be in a relationship when there is an unhealthy partner. There is going to be resentment if you do it the wrong way.

Your wife must decide for herself when and how she will lose the weight. You are being a wonderful example for her but she may have deeper issues that keep her where she is. Be supportive, tell her you love her, how beautiful she is to you, how much you love talking to her and spending time with her. Love is a choice no an emotion, you chose to love her forever, find someting you two can do togther that doesnt involve food, or talk of weight loss. Send her some flowers or just give her a back rub. As a woman I can tell you I feel much more secure when my husband goes out of his way to tell me these things or does something nice for me. Dont give up. I've been married to my best friend for 20yrs and he is the first person I want to tell good new to and the first person I run to with bad news. She will return the attention and affection if she sees that you are genuine. Her time will come for weight loss later. The fact that you are concerned says that you are not ready to give up on her or your marriage just yet. Remember true love is selfless.

ARISE! Arise thread from the past, that you may live again!

My wife is now on MFP, and has lost weight. We aren't exercising together, but she made the decision for herself and I am blind with joy.

Ok, maybe just really stoked. In any case, my attitude has improved, and we are doing better.

That is fantastic! So happy for the two of you! :flowerforyou:
Now if only I could get my hubby to do the same!

my hubby joined, but hasn't logged a thing since the first day a few months ago...
now he's taken up exercising and keeps telling me how much (water) weight he lost during his latest bicycle ride... overall his weight is on a downward trend though, so that's a good thing...

not all tools work the same for everybody.

i just get pissy when he tries to tell me 'we're eating too much protein' - when i'm trying to build muscle, and he's the one eating eggs and sausage for breakfast, thinking sausage and meat are 100% protein - that doesn't leave much for lunch or dinner...

I am a crappy husband and father. I'm angry most of the time, quick tempered and kind of a jerk to be around. I did some serious thinking and came to the realization that it's because I don't like myself, so I am taking it out on them. Without going into a lot of tedious detail, part of it stems from my self image. I look in the mirror and despise the bloated, pasty mess that stares back.

Two suggestions:

1. You have already realized that weight gain can derive from issues in one's life. Perhaps your wife needs to overcome her own issues before traveling down a healthy path.
2. Perhaps you are feeling less attracted to her because her size reminds you of yourself, and you are trying to change yourself.

Maybe it would be helpful to bring her to therapy with you? Not as a way to help her, but to show her that you are trying to help yourself. Let her see more of the path you are traveling, the overall image, not just the weight management side. After all, weight management is just a small part of a larger journey you are taking.

In my own instance - I had reached a point, for years, where I believed I could not do anything about my weight. I have four kids. My husband had a stroke. I run the family business. I did not have the time or energy to devote to such things. Then, late last year, I realized I had some health issues that need to be addressed. Happily, not related to my weight, but losing weight will help me recover from surgery faster. That was my big push, and I have lost almost 20 pounds since March. In my instance, simply logging calories and watching portions is enough! I wish I had known earlier that it could be so easy! But, looking back, I wasn't ready for the change. When your wife is ready, she will have your support, I am sure.

You really must give her time to come around. People cannot break addictions simply because someone says so. She must be ready to do it for herself.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with being an glaring example. Continue on your healthy path of self-improvement. Gentle encouragement to eat healthy and offers to exercise together should be about the extent of your involvement in her decision. It sounds like you guys are making two different dinners. You should offer to cook for her, and then make it healthy! I know that my hubby's more veggie friendly palette always helps me eat better.

Thanks for saying this! This is exactly what I was thinking. Encourage her. I am sure she would love it if you would cook..maybe you could become the main cook in the house, taking old favorites, and make them healthier.

I went through this with my husband when I first jumped on the bandwagon almost 10 years ago. Needless to say, he joined me. I told him I loved him for who he was, but I didn't want to be a single mom when I was forty. He weighed 340 when we got married and is currently at 257. He is working on it, just as I am.

Start finding reasons to compliment your wife, find active things to do together, and get them integrated into your whole lifestyle. I know on the weekends it is hard for me to sit on the couch. I always have to be doing something. This has rubbed off on my husband.

Good luck!

I'm right there with you. My husband is very thin. I'm very self conscious about bing bigger then him. I remember a friend asking me what it's like to have my husband so much thinner than me.:explode:

Anyway, he is very unsupportive of my lifestyle changes. He brings home chips, cookies, ice cream, donuts from the store (even if I already did the grocery shopping for the week). He always wants to go out to eat on weekends. He wants to stop for ice cream with the kids after events. If I tell him I lost a pound he will bring out the desserts. He has never been complimentary and I knew this when I married him.

All negatives aside this is how I learned to handle it and help my marriage.

You can't change them accept them.

My new lifestyle is not his new lifestyle just because it works for me. I shouldn't expect the whole family to eat what I eat when I eat it.

I Work my exercise routines around him and the kids. I get it done even if I wake up at 5 a.m.

I make dinner for the family. Frequently I make pasta, rice, and many dishes not on my menu. I haven't cheated yet. My new
Lifestyle allows me to be around the food and not desire it. My benefits outweigh the risks due to eatting their food.

I have snacks in the house that I can eat. When they munch on theirs, I can munch on mine.

I don't share any weightloss goals, ideas or accomplishments with anyone outside MFP. I'm too sensitive and I may knock someone out if they tell me again "you know what you need to do" while they are pAthetically out of shape stuffing their pie hole.:huh:

I focus on our time together not being about food, exercise or appearance. I always get him to talk about things he's interested in and next thing you know we are enjoying our time together.


Most of all I don't expect anything from my spouse. He(she) has their own issues of stress to handle. I just remember that I love him and support him. This thread reminded me that I'm doing this for me, my health, my life.
Hope this helps.:flowerforyou:

Oh fabulous, a happy ending ...... bumping for later ..... with a cup of tea :drinker:

love her through and keep persistant. I have learned in ten years of marriage never to nag my husband... I still to this day offer him " would you like some zuccini? eggplant? whatever Im cooking at the time" Same with the gym.... now he has been seeing my results and we made an agreement * He commits three days a week to the gym, I commit to playing airsoft with him over the weekend" he is finally joining the dark side! muahhahahaahahhahaaha

For better or worse. Those were the words you said. So you're wife isn't ready, its okay. Love her and support her and let her know how important she is to you. If you talk to her mention that you want her to be healthy for your kids (or future kids) and to have more time with her. Don't just say she's overweight, because that will hut and I dont' think you want to hurt her. You love someone for who they are as a person and what they bring to your life. Apperances change but the person shouldn't.

How would you feel if this was all reversed and you were the overweight one?

so happy for your update....very inspiring...may you's truly live happyily ever after