How do I get him to understand?

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rrcaudill
rrcaudill Posts: 87
in Chit-Chat
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have 3 kids ages 7, 3, and 2. As with most people, money is tight. He works a full time job and I stay home with the kids. We got in a heated argument last night about money and jobs. His hours at work are cut in half from this time last year, and it doesn't look like they'll pick up anytime soon. His job is an hour away, so with gas prices, he is staying with a friend during the week and coming home on the weekends. I just conversationally said that I wish there were higher paying jobs closer to home or cheaper places to live closer to where he works. That set him off. He started yelling at me to get a job. I would love a job, but daycare for one child is $100/week and afterschool care for the oldest one would be $75/week. Therefore, to work right now, I would have to clear $275 after taxes each week plus have enough for gas money, etc. He makes really good money, but this week, he only brought home $252 due to his hours being cut, so even making what he does, I wouldn't be able to pay for child care. I told him I would at least have to make like $15/hour starting out and that just doesn't normally happen. That set him off again. He told me to get off my lazy butt and look...diesel mechanics make that much. WHAT?!?!?! Me? I don't even know how to change the oil in my car or change a tire, but he wants me to work on trucks. HA! He went to bed not talking to me and I don't know what it's going to be like when he gets up. UGH! I'm just hurt. When he's here, he wants me to scratch his head, back, feet, butt...not kidding, and serve him his food all day. He doesn't even seem to know how to put food on a plate or anything. I do all the childcare, house cleaning, money management, everything, but he thinks that since he makes the money, I should treat him like royalty while he treats me like a servant. HELP!!!
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Replies

  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,370 Member
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    Seek professional,real life counseling.
    Easy to say but hard to do but it sounds like the stress of work and money has undercut the relationship so begin maybe by trying to have a talk,tell him what you are feeling.
    Hopefully that was just a bad moment and a new day will help but I am guessing you two are already well down the path to separation so maybe if both can be honest with each other about that the help you need will happen.
  • cindy4mica
    cindy4mica Posts: 777 Member
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    Um, without sounding like a judgmental *****, he sounds like a total *kitten*. I don't hear any support coming from him, and it seems like he's a chauvinistic pig. You might want to inform him that it's 2012 and he can fix his own damn plate. Furthermore, if you're staying home because it's financially the best for the family, why does he have an issue with that? Sometimes it just makes sense not to work because your paycheck would ultimately all go to daycare. Does he want to pay someone to raise his kids? IDK. I was going to defend him & say maybe he's being on the defensive because he's stressed about his job/money, but then I read about you scratching his feet & *kitten*. Eff that. No sympathy here. Get a job. Keep a stash. And leave his *kitten*.
  • ChocolateisCrack
    ChocolateisCrack Posts: 39 Member
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    I think the only thing that can be done here, is for you to got to work and have his butt stay home and cater to your every need. With his cut hours he should have plenty of energy to clean the toilets. LOL I used to drive a big truck, and trust me, if my guy ever gets like that I'll let him listen to the kid yelling all day. The peace and quite of the road would be much more relaxing. :D Truly I don't have any great advice, but I hate guys who act like that.
  • llonka
    llonka Posts: 76 Member
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    That sounds horrible! I am also a stay at home mom, with two boys ages 5 and 3. I say maybe he's sore because he has to work? I don't think they understand what it is like to stay home, try and clean all day while taking care of kids. Then they come home and demand things too. I just keep telling mine that when the boys go to school, then i'll get a job. paying for a sitter is just not worth it in my opinion.

    Maybe let him chill out a little, then tell him you aren't complaining about how much he makes, just wish he could be closer because you miss him! (that's what it sounds like to me) Good luck!
  • abbie72003
    abbie72003 Posts: 57 Member
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    i'm sorry to hear you are both struggling to make ends meet. He's probably feeling the same pressure, and alot of the time with men, they feel like they should be the provider, he could be feeling like he's a failure, and this could be why he snapped - although it's inappropriate way to do so. I would suggest counselling but I know that can be costly as well. Sometimes you can find free resources in your local community.
  • sjtreely
    sjtreely Posts: 1,014 Member
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    My guess the argument was due to several things just piling up ... away from home, hours cut, etc.

    However, with that being said, if what you're saying is true and is a pattern for him, his behavior concerns me.

    Have you thought about doing some child care in your home? Picking up one or two kids could pay your weekly grocery bill.
  • shaycat
    shaycat Posts: 980
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    Seek professional,real life counseling.
    Easy to say but hard to do but it sounds like the stress of work and money has undercut the relationship so begin maybe by trying to have a talk,tell him what you are feeling.
    Hopefully that was just a bad moment and a new day will help but I am guessing you two are already well down the path to separation so maybe if both can be honest with each other about that the help you need will happen.

    Very good advise.
  • SeaStar
    SeaStar Posts: 113
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    I only briefed through, but take the advice of seeking professional help. While it can be helpful to get outsider help sometimes, you're only going to find opinions that are going to make you more angry from unprofessional people who aren't trained to handle this kind of situation. Already, someone is calling your husband a *kitten*. This is not the kind of response you need to work things out.

    Money is a tough subject when things are tight and can break apart so many people that would otherwise be happy. He was probably set off because he is already feeling bad about his hours getting cut and not being able to be home for the kids during the week, and if you mention something in passing that sounds like you wish he would do something more than he is, he is going to get defensive.

    You are both adults with a family. Take a step back, and handle this situation like adults.
  • Urquharte
    Urquharte Posts: 13
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    I'm so sorry to read all of this. :-( Hang in there! Have you considered a home-based business? I teach full-time but have a home-based direct sales business as well. It gives me a bit of extra money each month and it has been a real blessing.
  • mallory3411
    mallory3411 Posts: 839 Member
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    I'm sorry! I don't know the relationship you two have but if my soon to be husband was like that and said those things I'd show him where the door is. To me that is disrespect and I wouldn't stand for it.

    He's got two hands, why can he not scratch himself? He's a big boy and can do things on his own. I'm not sure why he expects you to do everything for him nor do I know why you do. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh but he sounds controlling and I'd be out of there as fast as I could. Definatley not a place for kids, but that's my opinion.

    I understand that he's the one going to work everyday however why should you treat him like royalty? You two should be equal regardless of the work either of you do.
  • KJVBear33
    KJVBear33 Posts: 628
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    First.........logically speaking and this might not be the answer.........if he wants you to do anything for him, he needs to treat you better than that. So, when he wants you to cook, clean, or what have you for him, tell him to do it himself. That he is a big boy and can do it himself if that's the way you are to be treated by him for all you do for him. Tell him that you truly feel hurt that he has yelled at you.........that you were only trying to be logical about the whole situation.........and honestly that you were just expressing how you feel. That you shouldn't be yelled at for that because you have a right to speak your mind about things like this. How else are you to have a happy and healthy marriage otherwise? Yes, maybe what you say sometimes will set him off or vice versa, but you two have to keep in mind you both have a right to speak.

    Flip side, maybe you could try to find a neighbor to watch the kids until one of you is home? And that he has got to put in half the money for childcare if he wants you to work and if there is no other solution to the problem than that one. And also that you don't appreciate being called "lazy" either. Either discuss things with respect and admiration for all that each other does........or not at all.

    Thats my personal opinion and not being married, maybe its a naive perspective, but it makes sense to me.
  • MelissaL582
    MelissaL582 Posts: 1,422 Member
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    He's under a lot of stress but that is no excuse to talk to you or treat you like that! We've been married for almost 9 years, our children are similar ages and I'm a SAHM as well. My advice to you, is to see if you get some state help through Family Services like food stamps and WIC- it's there, why not take advantage of it? Look around your house to see what you can sell, I'm sure there are lots of clothes and toys you can get rid of. Then as for the groceries, do you have an Aldi close by? Plan out your meals as best as you can. Also, maybe you can look into something part time or even him since his hours got cut. Shoot, screw that- you look for a part time job and let him tend to the kiddos, maybe he'll appreciate what you have to go through 24/7. ((hugs))
  • BIGJIMMYU
    BIGJIMMYU Posts: 1,221 Member
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    Um, without sounding like a judgmental *****, he sounds like a total *kitten*. I don't hear any support coming from him, and it seems like he's a chauvinistic pig. You might want to inform him that it's 2012 and he can fix his own damn plate. Furthermore, if you're staying home because it's financially the best for the family, why does he have an issue with that? Sometimes it just makes sense not to work because your paycheck would ultimately all go to daycare. Does he want to pay someone to raise his kids? IDK. I was going to defend him & say maybe he's being on the defensive because he's stressed about his job/money, but then I read about you scratching his feet & *kitten*. Eff that. No sympathy here. Get a job. Keep a stash. And leave his *kitten*.
    Testify sister! My wife is my best friend! I give HER shoulder rubs! Women have the most difficult and most stressful job in the world being moms. Not only to the kids but also to husbands.(Let's face it guys, we hardly grow up!). He should let his wife/best friend grow as a person and treat her like he would want to be treated. I can't stand guys that think they own women because they have a penis!
  • dedication6
    dedication6 Posts: 184 Member
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    Get a job that is opposite his hours...you get a job, a paycheck, don't pay for daycare, and he gets to see what it's like to care for the household while mom is away!
  • wickedcricket
    wickedcricket Posts: 1,246 Member
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    I totally feel you. I have 4 children and was in the same boat you are. This is what I did - I got a job at the daycare center. I got paid & my kids got free daycare AND I was still around them all day. As they got older & started going to school, I took my lunch hour to pick them up at kindergarten & bring them back to work with me.
    No. Daycare work doesn't pay a lot. And it's HARD to get up in the mornings and get 4 kids out the door but we have to do what we have to do.
    Once my kids were in school full time, I applied for a grant & went back to school to learn a working skill (computers). I also ditched the Neanderthal non-supportive (abusive) husband. IF he is not part of the solution, he's part of the problem. NOW I make a living wage and don't have to work with snot nose kids LOL

    Good luck!
  • kwest_4_fitness
    kwest_4_fitness Posts: 819 Member
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    Money stress is tough and out-dated mentality on relationships is tougher. With money being short, you likely don't have any for counseling, unless it's covered under his insurance. You, in the end, are the only one who can decide if this relationship is worth working on or if it even can be saved. I feel for you girl. It can't be easy, especially with three kids.
  • shasingalls
    shasingalls Posts: 26 Member
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    Thats hard and Im so sorry for what both you and your husband are going through but honestly there is no reason for his outburst. You may both be stressed about money but taking it out on you isnt the answer. He may resent that you are at home but I am sure that if you were working and he was at home he wouldnt be waiting on you, he wouldnt be taking care of everything that you take care of and you would work then come home to do everything that you are doing now. Dont enable him by scratching his back, feet and butt you deserve better than that but you are not going to get it until you tell him that it isnt going to happen. I understand if he is working FT that he comes home from work and you bring him a plate of food but he isnt working FT right now which means he either should be figuring out a way to get more money for the family or he needs to be helping out more around the house. I hope that everything works out for you both. Please dont put up with the insults he throws at you and stop enabling him to be lazy while at home.
  • kwest_4_fitness
    kwest_4_fitness Posts: 819 Member
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    Um, without sounding like a judgmental *****, he sounds like a total *kitten*. I don't hear any support coming from him, and it seems like he's a chauvinistic pig. You might want to inform him that it's 2012 and he can fix his own damn plate. Furthermore, if you're staying home because it's financially the best for the family, why does he have an issue with that? Sometimes it just makes sense not to work because your paycheck would ultimately all go to daycare. Does he want to pay someone to raise his kids? IDK. I was going to defend him & say maybe he's being on the defensive because he's stressed about his job/money, but then I read about you scratching his feet & *kitten*. Eff that. No sympathy here. Get a job. Keep a stash. And leave his *kitten*.
    Testify sister! My wife is my best friend! I give HER shoulder rubs! Women have the most difficult and most stressful job in the world being moms. Not only to the kids but also to husbands.(Let's face it guys, we hardly grow up!). He should let his wife/best friend grow as a person and treat her like he would want to be treated. I can't stand guys that think they own women because they have a penis!

    Oh how I love your attitude. Cheers to you, sir, as you are one of the rare ones! :drinker:
  • ivy_star
    ivy_star Posts: 2
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    I know that this struggle is hard for you both. It sounds like he doesn't understand the value of all the work you do while he is away. On top of that, he probably feels stressed out because he has to be away from his home most of the time and doesn't get to see his family while he works his *kitten* off at his job. These are hard times for everyone, and the best thing that anyone can do right now is open up a dialogue in a supportive, constructive way. The best way to do that is through professional counseling. You can find a school nearby where there are therapists in training (who are being supervised) you can see inexpensively, and they are usually willing to work odd hours to get the experience. Good luck!! <3!
  • phillips9366
    phillips9366 Posts: 19 Member
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    Seriously? Why is this post on myfitnesspal?

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