Anyone else have problems with SO when weight lost?

Emagali74 · March 2012

Hi,

I am on maintenance and am happy with my weight as it is now but continue to log my calories except when Im deliberatley having a spike day or on holiday. I have committed myself to doing around 30 minutes of exercise at least every day. It is very rare I have a rest day because I figure 30-40 mins per day is not a massive amount to ask.

Does anyone else have a boyfriend/girlfriend who is negative about the loss and the continuing maintenance routine? My boyfriend is seriously annoyed with me at times when I say Im going to log my calories, he thinks i should exercise less even though I dont do a massive amount. He is overweight and when I started losing weight early last year, he started with me and lost a stone in a few weeks but soon after that he stopped trying and although he has kept that stone off he hasnt lost any more. I have now lost just over 5 stone since last January and have been maintaining since just before Christmas.

He complains if I look up menus online or don't pick things I would have eaten previously when I was much bigger and didnt pay attention to what I was eating. He says it has changed me as a person and I'm not as carefree but I honestly dont agree with him, my personality is the same, obviously I am much more aware due to both MFP and the 17 day diet that I follow about what Im putting in my mouth. I realise now the importance of exercise, I never did any before. I am now a healthy weight for my height. I feel much better in myself and a lot more confident.

The truth is I DONT WANT the things I ate before, the fast food, the donuts, the chicken tikka masala the crisps etcetc because I now know what are in these things and I dont want all that processed crap filling up my body. Dont get me wrong every now and them I will have a spike day and pretty much eat what I want but I find myself still staying away from really bad stuff-especially stuff like pizza, cheese, fried food etc because it upsets my stomach and makes me feel gross the next day.

I just wondered if anyone else is going through anything similar and what they did to resolve it? I don't see why he should be so negative about something that is for me so positive, I haven't weighed so little as I do now since high school. I dont want to lose any more and I am following a sensible maintenance programme of eating in moderation during the week-always within my MFP maintenance calories then having up to three non-diet meals over the weekend.... Some weekeds I'm way over my mfp maintenance calories maybe one day of the weekend but then maybe the next day I wont be. I guess I don't get why these extra things I have to do to maintain my weight annoy him so much when they take very little time and dont impact on our relationship that much IMO.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks xxx

StarkLark · March 2012

First I would explain to your SO that the choices and routine you have now is here to stay and he either needs to get on board and drop the negativity or STFU and get out! haha

Seriously though, it's often the people who care about you most that can sabotage you - whether they realize it or not, they fear the change and the unknown. It's also possible that he harbors resentment around your healthy choices and his own fitness/health shortcomings.

If he is important enough to you, you should have an open and honest discussion with him about how his actions make you feel and explain some of the same points you made in your post.

In the end if he can't offer support to you around your new lifestyle and you have given him a chance to change his behavior towards you, you might need to seriously consider moving on. There are plenty of people out there who applaud and admire your dedication to living a long and healthy life.

Emagali74 · March 2012

First I would explain to your SO that the choices and routine you have now is here to stay and he either needs to get on board and drop the negativity or STFU and get out! haha

Seriously though, it's often the people who care about you most that can sabotage you - whether they realize it or not, they fear the change and the unknown. It's also possible that he harbors resentment around your healthy choices and his own fitness/health shortcomings.

If he is important enough to you, you should have an open and honest discussion with him about how his actions make you feel and explain some of the same points you made in your post.

In the end if he can't offer support to you around your new lifestyle and you have given him a chance to change his behavior towards you, you might need to seriously consider moving on. There are plenty of people out there who applaud and admire your dedication to living a long and healthy life.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I have had an honest discussion about it with him, his solution is that I dont discuss my diet/exercise routine within his earshot because it annoys him so much. Also I should not do as much exercise. I am not in any way shape or form willing to comprimise my exercise, especially whe most days I run in the morning when he has already left for work...... I have not lost 70 odd pounds to put them back on to make him feel that I am more care-free. I cant be the person I was before but it seems he cant get on with the person I am now.... I am just struggling to see a way forward on this one...

Emma x

bcattoes · March 2012

My husband sometimes complains about the time I spend exercising. He says he doesn't see the point of my logging food since I haven't made any changes to my diet since I started logging, but he doesn't mind that I log. But he is jealous of the time I spend exercising. Unless, of course, it's something we do together like hiking.

aqua_zumba_fan · March 2012

My partner just worries that I'll overdo it. I suppose when there are so many people getting obsessed with weight loss and ending up with eating disorders she's concerned that if I obsess over what I eat it could go too far. She's never been overweight and has a perfect BMI, doctor told her she could be a model etc. even though she eats unhealthy food and doesn't exercise, so I don't think it's jealousy or anything. I tell her that I only lose on average half a pound per week, will stop when I fit into my size 12 jeans (as 14s are too big now) and definitely won't lose too much. She also says there's less of me to love - I think she preferred my shape before but I need to focus on what feels good to me, and at the end of the day the main thing for her too is that I'm happy. I'm sure your partner wants you to be happy too - could he be concerned that you'll take it too far? I think Donna would like me to eat unhealthy food more because then she'd not feel guilty about doing so - it's easier if you're pigging out together! So I guess that's another element that probably comes into it for your partner. I think just explain to him what you've said here (though maybe you've tried already!) and that you aren't trying to lose any more weight and are really happy with your weight now. I also tell D that exercise helps my mental health, cos it really does, and I think she appreciates that.
Good luck

aqua_zumba_fan · March 2012

First I would explain to your SO that the choices and routine you have now is here to stay and he either needs to get on board and drop the negativity or STFU and get out! haha

Seriously though, it's often the people who care about you most that can sabotage you - whether they realize it or not, they fear the change and the unknown. It's also possible that he harbors resentment around your healthy choices and his own fitness/health shortcomings.

If he is important enough to you, you should have an open and honest discussion with him about how his actions make you feel and explain some of the same points you made in your post.

In the end if he can't offer support to you around your new lifestyle and you have given him a chance to change his behavior towards you, you might need to seriously consider moving on. There are plenty of people out there who applaud and admire your dedication to living a long and healthy life.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I have had an honest discussion about it with him, his solution is that I dont discuss my diet/exercise routine within his earshot because it annoys him so much. Also I should not do as much exercise. I am not in any way shape or form willing to comprimise my exercise, especially whe most days I run in the morning when he has already left for work...... I have not lost 70 odd pounds to put them back on to make him feel that I am more care-free. I cant be the person I was before but it seems he cant get on with the person I am now.... I am just struggling to see a way forward on this one...

Emma x

Hmm that's crap that he has issues with you exercising when he's not even around - how does that impact on him?! For me Donna plays Warcraft and other online games while I do aqua classes and cross-stitch - we each have our stuff we do separately and as long as we also spend time together that's fine. I also exercise before she gets up for work so again it's no big deal to her. It's tricky when you change and the other person can't seem to hack it. Have you been together a long time? Does he know how much this upsets you?

Weighinginwithmy02 · March 2012

First I would explain to your SO that the choices and routine you have now is here to stay and he either needs to get on board and drop the negativity or STFU and get out! haha

Seriously though, it's often the people who care about you most that can sabotage you - whether they realize it or not, they fear the change and the unknown. It's also possible that he harbors resentment around your healthy choices and his own fitness/health shortcomings.

If he is important enough to you, you should have an open and honest discussion with him about how his actions make you feel and explain some of the same points you made in your post.

In the end if he can't offer support to you around your new lifestyle and you have given him a chance to change his behavior towards you, you might need to seriously consider moving on. There are plenty of people out there who applaud and admire your dedication to living a long and healthy life.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I have had an honest discussion about it with him, his solution is that I dont discuss my diet/exercise routine within his earshot because it annoys him so much. Also I should not do as much exercise. I am not in any way shape or form willing to comprimise my exercise, especially whe most days I run in the morning when he has already left for work...... I have not lost 70 odd pounds to put them back on to make him feel that I am more care-free. I cant be the person I was before but it seems he cant get on with the person I am now.... I am just struggling to see a way forward on this one...

Emma x

He seems to be giving you kind of blanket, generic answers to your questions. If you want this relationship to work then digging deeper would be the next step (I think). "It annoys him" isn't an answer to WHY you shouldn't discuss diet/exercise within earshot, that's just saying how he feels. WHY he is annoyed is the real "focus" here and that's what you need to find out. I mean, doesn't his rotten attitude towards your new, healthy life annoy you? of course it does! The difference is, you're taking steps to try to figure it out. He's putting his head in the sand after announcing he's annoyed.

Have you asked him the really hard, possiby embarrassing (and heated) questions like "do you think maybe you're annoyed because I made changes and you didn't stick with them when you tried?" or "are you afraid that you will lose me now that I am more fit". He's obviously fearful or resentful of something here. I agree with the above though, sometimes those that love you are the worst at sabotage. They just don't know how to deal with change.

Your final question should be "this is me, now, how are we going to deal with it together", which means not just what HE wants but what works for both of you! Good luck.

rose3k7p · March 2012

Congratulations on your weight loss! Keep in mind that you are not on a diet...you are incorporating a life style change. Healthy eating for the rest of your life, exercising to improve your health and body. Perhaps he is jealous that you have succeeded in losing the weight? Maybe he is concerned that you will leave him because he doesn't embrace the same values about food and exercising as you do? Maybe he is angry at himself for not having the dicipline to stick with his own lifestyle change.
I don't think you give up all that you have achieved in order to placate him, and if he truly loves you, he WOULD be encouraging you to be healthy, because that makes you happy and if you are happy, then everybody is happy! LOL
Keep up the great work!

StarkLark · March 2012

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I have had an honest discussion about it with him, his solution is that I dont discuss my diet/exercise routine within his earshot because it annoys him so much. Also I should not do as much exercise. I am not in any way shape or form willing to comprimise my exercise, especially whe most days I run in the morning when he has already left for work...... I have not lost 70 odd pounds to put them back on to make him feel that I am more care-free. I cant be the person I was before but it seems he cant get on with the person I am now.... I am just struggling to see a way forward on this one...

Emma x

Yeah it sounds like you are in a tough spot. I think we both agree that your partner should be someone who you can share all important aspects of your life with, and that doesn't seem to be the case. Regardless of what you decide, congrats on sticking to your guns and refusing to compromise on your healthy choices.

Skinny_Beans · March 2012

Your SO should be happy for you, not angry. He may say you've "changed" but what he really means is that he feels inferior that you've accomplished and improved yourself so much. You need to communicate to him how you feel about his negativity, just tell him exactly how you feel. If he loves you, he will either stop complaining about your great body and strong willpower, or lose some weight so he isn't so damn self-conscious.

Personally, I had a really crappy boyfriend when I started losing weight, who was overweight and lived off junk food in a depressive haze. He never told me what to eat, but he also refused to go anywhere with healthy menu options. He refused to workout with me and, because of many other relationship issues, broke up with him.

I surround myself with positive people who want the best for me-I have overweight friends who are still very supportive of me. I'm not saying you should break-up, quite the opposite-but you can't be happy if your SO doesn't compromise on your self-improvement.

Emagali74 · March 2012

First I would explain to your SO that the choices and routine you have now is here to stay and he either needs to get on board and drop the negativity or STFU and get out! haha

Seriously though, it's often the people who care about you most that can sabotage you - whether they realize it or not, they fear the change and the unknown. It's also possible that he harbors resentment around your healthy choices and his own fitness/health shortcomings.

If he is important enough to you, you should have an open and honest discussion with him about how his actions make you feel and explain some of the same points you made in your post.

In the end if he can't offer support to you around your new lifestyle and you have given him a chance to change his behavior towards you, you might need to seriously consider moving on. There are plenty of people out there who applaud and admire your dedication to living a long and healthy life.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I have had an honest discussion about it with him, his solution is that I dont discuss my diet/exercise routine within his earshot because it annoys him so much. Also I should not do as much exercise. I am not in any way shape or form willing to comprimise my exercise, especially whe most days I run in the morning when he has already left for work...... I have not lost 70 odd pounds to put them back on to make him feel that I am more care-free. I cant be the person I was before but it seems he cant get on with the person I am now.... I am just struggling to see a way forward on this one...

Emma x

Hmm that's crap that he has issues with you exercising when he's not even around - how does that impact on him?! For me Donna plays Warcraft and other online games while I do aqua classes and cross-stitch - we each have our stuff we do separately and as long as we also spend time together that's fine. I also exercise before she gets up for work so again it's no big deal to her. It's tricky when you change and the other person can't seem to hack it. Have you been together a long time? Does he know how much this upsets you?

We have been together five years now...........he knows it upsets me but he sees it that I have changed so therefore it is me that needs to do something about it. The last poster got it right. I need to say to him. This is me now, Im not going back, I dont want to comprimise on these things because my health is too important, are you going to be able to deal with the new healthier me or not? If not, then we have a major problem. I suppose what upsets me is his insistence that my whole personality has changed when I know it hasnt. I have even gone to the lengths of checking with family members/ work colleagues/ friends to validate my own view and they all agree..... I discuss my diet/exercise with all these groups of people but it doesnt seem to irritate anyone else. Obviously I live with him so he sees the routines I have more than the others but I do spend 8 hours a day at work :0/

rebecca_d35 · March 2012

I think I'm in the minority here but I think it's possible your boyfriend just doesn't want to discuss weight loss anymore. I have a good friend who has lost a lot of weight in the last year. She talks about it CONSTANTLY. It makes my skin crawl. And no, I'm not jealous (I promise!). I'm at a healthy weight, too. But honestly, weight loss is boring to everyone who isn't currently focused on it for themselves.

So maybe a compromise? Promise you won't talk about weight loss, per se, or logging calories, or whatever. DON'T exercise less--that's crazy. But maybe if you can agree to stop making weight a topic of conversation, he'll be okay with you doing whatever you need to do to maintain it.

aqua_zumba_fan · March 2012

I think I'm in the minority here but I think it's possible your boyfriend just doesn't want to discuss weight loss anymore. I have a good friend who has lost a lot of weight in the last year. She talks about it CONSTANTLY. It makes my skin crawl. And no, I'm not jealous (I promise!). I'm at a healthy weight, too. But honestly, weight loss is boring to everyone who isn't currently focused on it for themselves.

So maybe a compromise? Promise you won't talk about weight loss, per se, or logging calories, or whatever. DON'T exercise less--that's crazy. But maybe if you can agree to stop making weight a topic of conversation, he'll be okay with you doing whatever you need to do to maintain it.

Actually I was just starting to think about this side of it too. My mum constantly talks about weight loss and Atkins and my sister when she's losing weight is the same. I talk about food and planning what to eat a lot, and actually that side of it does annoy my partner cos she just finds it really boring and hates how people get so obsessed with food (part of her concern about how it can go too far). So yes maybe ask him what in particular annoys him and if it is partly this work with it as a compromise as this poster said

Mom_4_More_Muscles · March 2012

You look wonderful!

It's great you've done so much to take care of yourself and your health. But what about taking care of your spirit? :flowerforyou: I encourage you to look within yourself. What HE or SHE or THEY do or say(s) is a choice only HE, SHE or THEY can make. And then... you get to choose whether or not you want to "play in that sandbox".

When the pain of staying the same....is greater than the pain of change.... We change.

I see you did it when you got healthy and left the weight behind..... Best wishes on feeding your spirit, now.

You'll come to know what's best for you.

Blessings of peace your way!!

Emagali74 · March 2012

Thanks to everyone who posted and took the time xx

I think everyone just confirmed what I already knew-the change needs to be permanent so he has to find a way of living with it and living with me as I am now and appreciate I cannot be like/eat like the person I was before.

The sad thing is I started this weight loss to lose weight for our wedding which was supposed to be 3rd March (Saturday just gone) but due to various reasons but one of them being stupid arguments about money and the diet/weight loss, I made a decision about 6 weeks ago to put the wedding on hold.....at least until Im sure we understand each other better....

Thanks again :0) Emma x

Emagali74 · March 2012

I think I'm in the minority here but I think it's possible your boyfriend just doesn't want to discuss weight loss anymore. I have a good friend who has lost a lot of weight in the last year. She talks about it CONSTANTLY. It makes my skin crawl. And no, I'm not jealous (I promise!). I'm at a healthy weight, too. But honestly, weight loss is boring to everyone who isn't currently focused on it for themselves.

So maybe a compromise? Promise you won't talk about weight loss, per se, or logging calories, or whatever. DON'T exercise less--that's crazy. But maybe if you can agree to stop making weight a topic of conversation, he'll be okay with you doing whatever you need to do to maintain it.

I totallly hear you, I have not talked about it with him since before xmas, Its just if we go out for something to eat or if I go out for a run then he gets irritated...... Its not like Im constantly updating him every time I step on the scales.... I dont even tell him i'm going on mfp to log my calories-if Im on the phone doing it and he sees im on mfp then that irritates him, if he doesnt see me then its ok..... if we go out for a meal and I pick something healthy or dont want a pudding then that irritates him. I dont constantly push my diet/exercise down his throat..... xxx

Airbear3 · March 2012

perhaps the thinner you get the more worried he has to be about someone stepping in and stealing you! you were both overweight at one time and that is comfortable...but if you start looking better and he stays the same someone else might be checking you out and that woories him......maybe?

rebecca_d35 · March 2012

Okay, then I think the problem is with him, not with you. My husband never flinches when I go out for a run, even though it means he's left alone with two crazy preschoolers. That's how it should be.

DaBossLady24 · March 2012

My partner just worries that I'll overdo it. I suppose when there are so many people getting obsessed with weight loss and ending up with eating disorders she's concerned that if I obsess over what I eat it could go too far. She's never been overweight and has a perfect BMI, doctor told her she could be a model etc. even though she eats unhealthy food and doesn't exercise, so I don't think it's jealousy or anything. I tell her that I only lose on average half a pound per week, will stop when I fit into my size 12 jeans (as 14s are too big now) and definitely won't lose too much. She also says there's less of me to love - I think she preferred my shape before but I need to focus on what feels good to me, and at the end of the day the main thing for her too is that I'm happy. I'm sure your partner wants you to be happy too - could he be concerned that you'll take it too far? I think Donna would like me to eat unhealthy food more because then she'd not feel guilty about doing so - it's easier if you're pigging out together! So I guess that's another element that probably comes into it for your partner. I think just explain to him what you've said here (though maybe you've tried already!) and that you aren't trying to lose any more weight and are really happy with your weight now. I also tell D that exercise helps my mental health, cos it really does, and I think she appreciates that.
Good luck

THIS ^^^ Almost to a tee, actually. My girlfriend only comments when I start tracking everything I eat (which is the point of why I have my MFP in the first place). She's finally coming around and is actually starting to work on toning her own body so she got an MFP account. Maybe try to start working out and doing a program together so that he feels a bit more included in what you're doing?

Just a suggestion. Good luck!

Im_NotPerfect · March 2012

You shouldn't have to hide your logging and/or exercise. That's not healthy. Maybe HE needs to find something to occupy his time while you're doing your thing. I don't understand how you wanting to be healthier is irritating to him. Like others have said, I think it makes him feel guilty and insecure for not losing more weight WITH you.

madamepsychosis · March 2012

Luckily, my boyfriend is very supportive of my efforts. I think he's actually really happy about some of the things I'm doing, namely taking up running, as he's a pretty keen runner himself and it means that we can talk about it together and eventually run together when I'm good enough.

I think there could be one or more things happening here. You've said you don't constantly talk about your diet or exercise regimen, so I'm going to rule out just being generally irritated with your endless talk of it.

It could be that when you led an unhealthier lifestyle, he was able to validate his own. Ordering takeaway several times a week, eating junk and seldom exercising doesn't seem as bad when there's someone with you doing the same thing. Now that you're eating better, paying attention to your health and exercising regularly, it could be that he thinks you're making him look bad and he's finding it harder to justify his own lifestyle decisions. Rather than make some healthy decisions himself, he chooses to take this out on you. It could also, of course, be that he's jealous, either of the lifestyle you've cultivated which doesn't include him, or that your new image might attract attention from other men. Has he ever displayed symptoms of controlling behaviour? It seems weird to me that he would be so bothered about you exercising when he isn't even around to see it.

Anyone else have problems with SO when weight lost?

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