Has your spouse ever given you THE TALK?

2

Replies

  • HauteP1nk
    HauteP1nk Posts: 2,139 Member
    My fiance would probably never say anything like that to me...it is always reverse. I am always nagging him to take better care of himself. Not for appearance sake, but for his own health and well being...

    Sometimes it just needs to be said. And heck, if you can't be open and honest with your significant other than who can you be open with?
  • poedunk65
    poedunk65 Posts: 1,336 Member
    My wife and I have both let ourselves go. I have been working out for many years and have finally gotten off my diabetes medication, got my BP down to normal, but am still heavy. I told my wife that I want her to get healthy because i want her around for a long time. Also when the other spouse doesn;t try to keep themselves in shape it could make the other feel like hey they don;t care how i feel and don;t want to look good for me.

    My doctor told me one phrase that sticks with me to this day. It's like making the appt to see the doctor; when you make that appt you stick to it correct?
    Well you HAVE to make that appt for yourself to stay in shape. In this busy world we live in today it IS important to take time for yourself and workout.
  • Shriffee
    Shriffee Posts: 250 Member
    My husband has never had the talk with me because when I gain weight I am pretty proactive about getting it off. On the other hand, my husband is one of those people who is naturally thin, but now that he is in his mid-thirties all of his eating is catching up with him. He GORGES and never exercises. He's not overweight but he's got a big belly and high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and high triglycerides. It really bothers me because I love him and I want BOTH of us to be healthy and raise our son in a healthy environment.

    I tell him all the time what he does is not healthy. I have tried to get him to workout with me, but he's just not motivated. I tease him and call him fat, but he just laughs.
  • gecho
    gecho Posts: 426 Member
    NO!!!, but i sure as hell want to have the TALK with him!, he has let himself go, and does not care, he says i am obsessed!


    same here
  • sara_j_barnard
    sara_j_barnard Posts: 23
    Congratulations on being married for 8 years firstly! I am not yet married but have been with my partner for 8 years and while we haven't had the talk he does try and steer me away from eating rubbish so it's kind of a indirect way of telling me the same thing. Whether or not he likes me slimmer, that's not the point, it's that I am so much happier, confident and fun to be around when I am slimmer and feeling good about myself. When I am feeling heavier, it reflects on our relationship, especially the intimate side of it. So I see it more of as my boyfriend wanting me to be happy, rather than slimmer - but a lot of the time with women they come together!

    ^^^AMEN!!^^^

    Wow, the support in this community is pretty awesome!
  • chrishgt4
    chrishgt4 Posts: 1,222 Member
    Sounds like her actually cares to me.

    Whether it's for health reasons or physical reasons, or more likely a bit of both, if he didn't care he wouldn't have mentioned it.

    It must have taken a lot of courage for him to bring it up and as much as it hurts to hear things like that, it must have hurt him to say it.

    and even if it's a purely physical level, he could have left, or not mentioned it, and if you got worse then left.

    I see this in my own past relationships, where I want to be at my best for the person I'm with, most people just aren't as bothered and irrespective of the way they look - it is indicative of their personality when they seem not to care about how they look.
  • sculley
    sculley Posts: 2,012 Member
    My husband loves my curves but he supports whatever I want. I think maybe your husband had the best of intention maybe because he wants you healthy so he doesnt loose you early in life. I know that was my concern with my husband because he had blood pressure problems a year ago (he is only 30) after working out I am proud to say his blood pressure is healthy again.

    I know it can hurt to be told stuff like that though, Hugs to you.
  • carolann_22
    carolann_22 Posts: 364 Member
    No, and I think it would push me in the opposite direction, honestly. DH has always said he loved me regardless of how I looked and that my weight didn't matter to him (and I know some guys say it but don't mean it, but his actions support that he truly feels that way). That being said, now that I have decided to change for ME, he is my number one supporter, but more because he knows I am happier with myself and more confident now that I'm losing weight.
  • blink1021
    blink1021 Posts: 1,115 Member
    No my husband did not have the talk with me. My mother did she told me that if I did not lose the weight I would end up being a single parent because my husband would find himself someone who takes care of themselves. My husband has no business giving me the talk because he could stand to lose around 50lbs. I have talked to him about his weight because I am worried about heart issues and the fact he smokes. I think as long as it was done in a caring way with no name calling or making you feel bad about yourself I would find it as a motivator. Although I am an extremely stubborn person and would probably have viewed it as discouraging or that he did not find me attractive any longer.
  • csparon
    csparon Posts: 200 Member
    After being married 8 yrs and going through all the ups and downs of life and going through what having 2 kids can do to your body (I know this isn't the case for everyone, some people stay in fantastic shape during their child bearing years), my husband for the first time has told me he wants me to change. He told me last night that he wants me to be healthy and this is what got to me...he works out very hard and trys to look good for me and he wants me to do the same thing. I've been feeling a wide range of emotions from agreeing with him to feeling resentful.

    So my question is, has anyone else received a talk from their husband/wife about their weight? Did it motivate or discourage you?

    My fiance gave me the "I love you whether or not you look like a Victoria's Secret Supermodel or 600lbs, but I want you to be healthier and make healthier choices because I want you to be with me for a long time and if you're heavier and not eating right, chances are you aren't healthy and that's what I don't want" speech, but it wasn't something he just came out and said, I pried it out of him.
  • xo_morgan
    xo_morgan Posts: 298
    We kind of had the talk together. One day we were just sitting there eating reese pieces & ice cream...both in all our fat glory.. :sick: & we just looked at eachother & said...tomorrow we are changing . & we meant it. woke up the next day made healthy meals & lost weight. we both fell off around last thanksgiving (holidays got the best) now im back at it & losing & hes not....

    I may have to have the talk with him!:grumble: :wink:
  • WBoulay
    WBoulay Posts: 12 Member
    Yea, but it did not work. problem is, she has the metabolism and energy of a road runner, and just about the same amount of body fat! She eats everything, never exercises and yet never gains a pound, (she does eat realatively small portions though).

    So, her telling me to lose weight while at the same time she asks me to make her a hot fudge sundae for desert after a steak and french fries did not work. I just resented it.

    What did work was a heart attack.

    I should have listened to her!
  • nic_ci
    nic_ci Posts: 110 Member
    No...my husband knows better! He has been an avid body builder since we met 18 years ago! We have been together for more than half my life...if he were to have that TALK with me...it would be the last talk we had without our lawyers present. I knew I needed to lose weight...I had never been this big in my life...I didn't need him or anyone else to tell me. I love my husband...I don't want to resent him or not be myself in front of him...I don't need to impress him I need to be comfortable with him! He is my other half...not better, not worse!
  • tonyacoursey
    tonyacoursey Posts: 404 Member
    He hasn't given me the "talk" but he does dishes and such for me so that I have time to walk in the afternoon and evenings. He has never said anything about the weight I have put on but is happy that I am doing this for myself. The other nice thing is that he eats whatever I cook, so that makes it easy to stay on track.
  • ekz13
    ekz13 Posts: 725 Member
    never had the talk, but then again after 20 years, it's not a stretch to imagine that she's worked it into a conversation that I was led too.. LOL..

    but honestly there is a WAY bigger difference between..

    honey, i'm concerned about your health and that you maybe having destructive habits that will cut our lives together short and rob us of precious time together that we could be enjoying in our twilight years...

    and

    hey porkbutt, you're now taking up two couch cushions...

    one of those is from the heart... the other gets you a line on the police report

    "unable to recover the corpse"

    from what your saying it sounds like the first.. it's not an easy position to be in to watch your mate sliding downhill and being afraid to say anything...
  • maysflower
    maysflower Posts: 180
    I've given "The Talk" to my husband. He has always been a little overweight, but over the last few years he has really let himself go. I've lost weight and I'm living a healthier lifestyle, but he is still eating junk and sitting on the couch. I gave him the talk because I love him and I want him to live a long life. His father died suddenly of a heart attack at 61, and I'm afraid that is the path my husband is on. Also he doesn't join me or my daughter in any activities. My daughter asks me why daddy isn't coming, and I tell her because he does want to. Which is true, he doesn't. That makes my daughter sad. She wants to spend time with her daddy, but instead he stays home.

    So yes I gave him the talk. I don't know how he felt about it, he didn't say much except that I was right and he wants to change. Has he changed...no not really. He keeps saying he wants to eat better and do things with us, but he doesn't. I think in some cases the talk is not coming from a loving place, but other times it is. Mine was coming for a loving place and I hope he knows that and changes.

    I will love him no matter what he looks like or how much he weighs, but I also know how much happier he would be if he was healthier and more active.
  • ItsMeRebekah
    ItsMeRebekah Posts: 909 Member
    He was trying to say it in a nice way but I couldn't help but be a little hurt. But on the other hand I do know its true. He got heavy himself after we got married and then 2 yrs ago he started running and has never looked back. He is in the best shape of his life, and I am extremely proud of him. I tried to start running but during the end of my pregnancy and up until now (the little guy just turned one) I've been dealing with a painful case of plantar faciitis and running didn't agree with me. So I'm still trying to find something and stick to it. I know excuses, excuses.

    But thank you for the respones. I helps to talk to others about it.
    So your baby is just turning a year old? I honestly think i would be offended and resentful by this. I know, I may go against the crowd here but having a baby does a lot to a woman’s body that he has no idea abt. 1yr old is very small still and it takes so long for a woman’s body to go back to "normal" (8yrs)
    He did say it in a great loving way, but thats my POV.
    I dont think anybody has the right to say anything to another person abt their body period. Married or not. My husband hasn't ever had any kind of talk with me regarding my weight bc i do enough bashing of that on my own. Plus he loves me. Be it over weight or under weight or right on spot hes my man.
  • bigdawg025
    bigdawg025 Posts: 774 Member
    I think "the talk" is VERY important... and I think we (humans) are conditioned to rebel at it simply because the issue of weight in our society comes with such a personal stigma. Nobody wants to talk about it... but when nobody does anything about it or tells us what we NEED to hear we continue along an unhealthy path. What happens next? Type 2 diabetes... joints ache... you become even more sedentary... then you talk about the HUGE risks... heart attack, stroke, etc.

    I'm glad someone cared enough to have several "talks" with me... and get it through my thick skull that I needed to do SOMETHING...
  • bsampsonmorgan
    bsampsonmorgan Posts: 7
    My fiance never gave me "the talk" and at times I am super thankful for that and at times I wish he would have so I could have started this process sooner. I can totally understand how this situation can be very hurtful. In my case, my fiance has always been incredibly fit (he plays basketball several times a week) and has always looked his very best for me. I know if he had talked to me about my weight at my heaviest point I would have been devastated for that moment in time. However, I know it would have motivated me to start getting healthy. While my pride may have been wounded for a week or two, once results start to show it would all be worth it. My fiance encourages me on a daily basis. He tells me how incredible I look, how proud he is of me, and how he knows that this lifestyle change will mean a longer and healthier life together. Now his comments encourage me to keep going at it strong so that I can continue to look better and better for him, as well as continue to get healthier!

    Now the question is-- who are you able to have "the talk" with? I would love to sit down and "talk" with the rest of my family so we can all be as healthy as we can be!
  • reztib
    reztib Posts: 151 Member
    I don't know what went down but from what you describe I wouldn't handle it that way. My wife and I have been struggling with our weight even before we got married. It's not a fact that I want my wife to look good so much (although that would be an added benefit) but the fact I just want us to be healthy and live long healthy lives together. I think she is beautiful no matter what. Also it sets a great example for our daughters about healthy living and not worrying about being "thin". I love my wife no matter what. The fact of what size she wears or how much she weighs isn't going to change that. But I want to celebrate many anniversaries with her and live long lives.

    Your husband sounds like he had great intentions but speaking as a guy, we don't really know sometimes how to effectively translate things the best light. I am trying to lead my family by example, I ordered P90X a few weeks ago and had been talking about it a while and my wife then ordered Zumba. I have also been tracking my diet and my wife has signed up for an account on MFP. I have to do my part to support her in the best way that I can. She has supported me as well and I am very thankful.
  • Sweet13_Princess
    Sweet13_Princess Posts: 1,207 Member
    Well, considering that I've been having the same sort of talk with my husband off and on since January, I can say from my own perspective that I love my husband exactly the way he is. Sure, he doesn't have the body of a weightlifter, but it doesn't change how much I love him or how much I'm attracted to him.

    The reason why I suggested to him to workout and eat better with me is because: 1) I want to live a long and happy life with him and, since heart disease and diabetes runs in his family, it's important he takes ahold of his health now, rather than later... AND 2) Working out with him is fun and I enjoy it when we motivate each other.

    My goal was never to discourage my husband or to make him feel bad about himself. In fact, I'd feel terrible if I had done that!

    Since talking with him, he's started working out with me 2-3 times a week and he doesn't complain as much when I try to cook healthier versions of our favorite meals. He's still not an active MFP member, and still has days when he doesn't eat well, but I'm just happy that he's taking the initiative about his own health and is being supportive of my goals.

    Shannon
  • tanya7712
    tanya7712 Posts: 441 Member
    I recently did with my husband but with us , both of us need to loose weight so in my case its actually incouraging because we are doing it together and we are motivating each other.
  • SafireBleu
    SafireBleu Posts: 881 Member
    I have had the talk with my husband. I know we have both gained weight. I have taken steps to get healthier but even at my heaviest I was a healthy fat chick. I couldn't walk up the stairs 2X without feeling like I was gonna die but I had low cholesterol and blood pressure and sugar levels. He however has all of these issues. I have had the talk with him. I know it bothered him. I know he probably at that moment hated me. I know he thought I'd leave him and he might still wonder if I will leave. I won't. I had to have a talk with him about it. I have had to do it more than once. Here is why. I married him for better and for worse, in sickness and in health and I will stick with him through all that but I also married him so that I'd have a partner for life. I married him because I knew he'd be a fantastic father and that he would be a great grandfather. I married him because I had visions of us retiring and travelling the world. I married him because I could picture us at 90 sitting in rocking chairs on the porch drinking our tea. I do not see all that happening if he continues on this path. He needs to get all this in check because yes I am selfish and I love him and I want him around forever. I want us to die in our 90's within hours of each other. I do not want to plan a funeral or raise my kids on my own. Yes I am a selfish *kitten* but it's true. These talks are hard but if he had the talk with you I suspect he did it for the same reasons I did. Because HE LOVES YOU. He wants you around forever. He wants you to be the best version of you. He wants you to be healthy. He wants you to be around to enjoy you and your life together. Unless he talked to you in a demeaning hateful manner about your weight, which it does not sound like he did, accept the words that came out of his mouth and trust that he said it because he is concerned about your health and he wants you around for all the beautiful things life has to offer. If you want to do this do it for you not because he asked you too. Do it because you want to be around forever and because you want to be healthy enough to be an active participant in your life. If you focus on doing it because he told you to you will resent him, you won't give it your all. Do it for you because you deserve a good life. My husband is making changes since I had the talk with him. He is losing weight, taking walks, and doing what he needs to do to get his cholesterol and sugar levels in check. It is working and he is doing well and I know he loves me as much as I love him partly because he is doing it and he is taking care of himself. He said he knows I'd be fine without him and he pretended to brush it off. But he is making changes and I see it every day. The way I see it he wants to be 90 years old with me too sitting on the porch drinking tea watching the flowers grow.
  • Nicmeglau
    Nicmeglau Posts: 11
    Good for you....I wish you all the best. I have just started and I weight 302 lbs. so I have a long way to go.
    But i think it is worth it...
  • hollyberry2012
    hollyberry2012 Posts: 239 Member
    To the OP,

    Well there ya go...eat to be healthy, exercise to be healthy. Concentrate ONLY on HEALTH, not on WEIGHT.

    He will get what he asked for, you will not feel resentment because you won't be applying his comment to appearance,

    and when the weight comes off as a byproduct and afterthought of the emphasis on health, it will be YOUR private victory!
  • BAMFMeredith
    BAMFMeredith Posts: 2,810 Member
    I gave my boyfriend "the talk" so to speak. Since I began getting really serious about health and fitness, I wanted him to do the same. I didn't tell him he needs to lose weight or anything (which he doesn't really), but I did tell him that it was really important to me that he take his health and fitness as seriously as I am because I want to set a good example for my son and for our future children. He totally understood, and we have been hitting the gym together and he's been making awesome healthy choices when it comes to food.

    He actually thanked me for getting his *kitten* in gear, because he is so much happier with himself when he is in shape. It's one thing to tell your partner they need to lose weight (which, if not worded correctly, can come off REALLY rudely), but to encourage your partner to be healthy and get fit is probably one of the most loving and caring things you can do...you've only got one body and one life, treat it right!
  • STurbs33
    STurbs33 Posts: 134 Member
    I'm not married but my boyfriend and I had a talk like this last year. We were having a lot of relationship problems and were finally talking through everything. Part of the reason we were having problems was that we had formed lazy habits. He would spend his nights playing video games, while I hung around on my computer. I was doing minimal exercise and usually following up my workouts with large, calorie-filled desserts. In the nicest way possible, he mentioned that he'd like to see the active girl he had started dating two years prior again. I understood, but pointed out that I was not the only one that had gotten lax with my health, and he agreed. So the following day, we started eating better and working out and in 2 months time we had lost 25lbs between us.

    Some people were shocked when I told them the story. "Your boyfriend told you to lose weight and you weren't angry with him?" No, I was not, because he cared enough about me to point out these habits before they progressed to something worse. He saw that I was changing for the worse and reminded me of what I was capable of. I knew I was getting lazy, but I couldn't admit it to myself until he brought it up. I'm grateful that we're able to have these talks and be completely honest with each other.
  • rgunn02
    rgunn02 Posts: 169 Member
    After being married 8 yrs and going through all the ups and downs of life and going through what having 2 kids can do to your body (I know this isn't the case for everyone, some people stay in fantastic shape during their child bearing years), my husband for the first time has told me he wants me to change. He told me last night that he wants me to be healthy and this is what got to me...he works out very hard and trys to look good for me and he wants me to do the same thing. I've been feeling a wide range of emotions from agreeing with him to feeling resentful.

    So my question is, has anyone else received a talk from their husband/wife about their weight? Did it motivate or discourage you?

    I think you should feel extremely loved.

    I say this because, he obviously cared enough about you that he felt comfortable bringing this up. You have to understand how hard that must have been for him. Is not something that he just thought about one day.

    On the other hand, I can see how this would be an issue. This isn't all about looking good for your other. This is about sharing in something together, having an other that supports and participates in what you value. This is a FUNDAMENTAL part of a healthy relationship. Period.

    People say, oh I support you and such. While they sit at home on the couch. And somewhere along the way the belief is made that in "inaction" to interfere with anothers action. That this somehow equates to support. It does not.

    An example I can think of is when I chose to go to college. My partner at the time, told me that they supported my decision. Accepted all the changes as to be a given. I gambled everything, sold the non essentials and funded the school all while the partner existed there with a smile.

    But not once did the partner pay anything. Sell anything. Move anything. Make a single sacrifice towards the goal. Instead they chose to keep the same way they were as if nothing changed. But still they merely existed.

    What would have constituted support, would have been anything towards the same goal. Maybe they bought a book. Went to school with me, thought to help in any substantial way. Would have saved the relationship.

    In the end, who wants to work so hard towards something with someone who doesn't run the same marathon as you do?

    That's just my inside thoughts. But I think the fact your even here, deserves a congrats.

    I love this!!
  • AlmstHvn
    AlmstHvn Posts: 376 Member
    It sounds (from here) that he approached you in a kind way... it may also be on his mind that "omgosh we have a 1 year old - I can't do this alone so please live a long time!" :)

    Last summer, my husband of 3 years is about 50 lbs overweight - I was 150 lbs overweight. He and I both had talked about being healthier but neither had made any serious strides in that direction. It was one night last July when I broke down over how tired I was of being so big that he said "When we get back, I'm going to scout out gyms in our area and we're going to get started." He was firm, but very loving about it. I had a lot of anxiety about going to a gym at my size, but I agreed and that's what got me started. Now *I'm* the one who goes regularly :)

    Whatever he or anyone else says, it's really your heart and mind that are important. You're already a member here, so that shows you're already interested ... jump on in and have some fun with it! It's work, but good work :)
  • Steelheart7
    Steelheart7 Posts: 1,056
    My ex husband never said anything about my weight.. of course I was never this heavy when we were married. At one point after I had our son I lost almost 50 pounds and I was so proud of myself .. I had gotten down to like 135 pounds and he said to me "now imagine how great you would really look if you keep going" uh ... 'scuse me??? I gained weight from that day on.

    I think that peoples bodies are their own. If I want to be a giant, then by golly it is my right. Just as it is his right to do with his body whatever he feels like. I don't tell other people how to behave, and they don't need to tell me how to behave. I don't think it can ever be taken well. Perhaps that is just me and because I am sensative about it .. but generally people who are overweight know it and don't feel all that great about it to begin with. I don't need someone else making me feel guilty about it.
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