My boyfriend drinks... I need advice

YOU come first. you need to focus on making yourself happy. and a good environment for your child!

yes, its unfortunate, and extremely painful thinking of losing him, but ultimately - do you think he'll change? he can only say it so many times, ya know?

and i bet, in the end, you'll be happier if you do what YOU think is right.

good luck, dear. :flowerforyou:

Do you have Al-Anon in your area? Your situation sounds shockingly similar to my sister's. Going to Al-Anon has made her stronger and has taught her how to handle her husband that drinks too much without just nagging him to stop. It's a really great program if you have access to it. Always remember that you and that child are what is the most important, and do what is best for you. I wish you luck :flowerforyou:

I was married to an alcholic for 10 years. We have 2 kids and I tried to stay for them. Mistake. My kids and I are now living very happy, healthy lives. And he is still in the same place he was 10 year ago.

I can't say your situation would be exactly the same. But you are right, you cannot change him, only he can do that. You have to do what is best for you, and your daughter.

The Al-Anon suggestion is a great one. My Dad was an alcoholic and it was rough. He changed though and that was worth alot. But in the meantime it was very rough. Definitely do what is best for your daughter- seeing your parents messed up is a traumatic experience. If you don't leave all together, think about making sure that she is not around him when he is making bad choices.

Hope something gives soon.

Video tape him, play it back to him when he is sober. Maybe it will hit him.

Wow.... I think the video tape idea is great! If that doesn't shake him, maybe nothing will.

Or maybe, if you walk away & seriously walk away he'll sober up.

Or maybe not, most likely not.

So take care of Numero Uno baby! You and your child! Let the family help you stay away from this guy.... no matter how great he is most of the time. The alcohol situation will crash & burn & go down in flames...... eventually. And you don't need to be there!!!

It's hard to see someone you love self-destruct...... :brokenheart:

Best to you!!!! :flowerforyou:

To hnlymark:
That sounds kind of rude, dude! :grumble:

But, I get what you're saying.
Different addictions for different folks!

Meggie - My heart goes out to all of you. The best thing you can do for yourself and the baby is contact Alanon (website below) which is an organization for the family and friends of people with the disease of alcoholism. It is completely anonymous. There are Alanon groups all over the world, and probably several in your own town or city. There you will meet people in your own situation who can give you love, hope, and support.

The decision to leave or stay with your boyfriend is a decision only you can make. Alanon will help you understand the disease of alcoholism so you can make an informed choice that you will not regret later.

Good luck to you from one who has been there.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Does he have anything else he does for fun (no, cleaning does not count as a hobby)?

You can't just quit drinking. You have to replace it with something. And it has to be something enjoyable. Maybe not equally enjoyable, but pretty fun.

Let's say he likes, for example, fishing. Give him a gift, like a new fishing pole. Maybe he likes boxing. Give him a membership to a gym. Leave the gift with a note that says, "this is my gift to you to help you quit drinking. I know you like (activity) and I want you to try doing this instead of drinking." Tell him how you feel in the note. Tell him all the consequences he will face if he does not stop drinking (he will not be able to see your child, etc.) You could also leave some Al-non or other info with the note. Then take your daughter leave and stay somewhere else and see if he will do it.

If he won't, you might have to leave forever.

PS. also if you videotape him that sounds like a good idea.... especially if you do have a custody battle over your child in court you can use the video.

Its interesting to hear all the comments about alchoholics always being alchoholics...is that comparable to fat people will always be fat? Just sayin'...

TOO TRUE!! People are always capable of change.

I have been married to an alcoholic for 21 years. At first it wasn't so bad and he would quit for awhile. Each time he goes back it gets worse. He won't quit and I have come to the conclusion that it is not my fault (took me a long time to realize that). If you have somewhere to go, go. If he really wants this to work, he will quit and quit for good. Don't go back until he has been sober for AT LEAST a year. I have wasted 20 years of my life living with someone who loves alcohol than he does his family (me and the 2 kids). My kids are 21 and 18 and don't invite friends over, don't stay at home and every time the garage door goes up, they scatter. I am leaving him next year after my son graduates from high school. I am waiting that long because I need to get my finances together AND I will be leaving town and don't want my son to have to spend his senior year at a different school (he is leaving for the Marines next June after he graduates). Until that time, it is living from day to day dealing. You don't want that for yourself or your child. They see it no matter how hard you try to hide it. My kids have no respect for their father and that is really sad. Whatever you decide to do, go to an Al-Anon meeting. They will help you cope and also help you not be a co-dependent.

I grew up with a dad that drank. He was never mean- a good dad that did lots of things for my brother and me. I still remember to this day the fights my mom and dad would have. They were not happy. They would try to protect us from the fighting but kids are a lot more knowing then they seem. My mother was misserable! ( and sometimes it was taken out on the kids- not physically but just being frustrated and no patients) I always wished that my parents would get a divorce. They didnt do it until I left for college- and now they both have their own lives and are happy and fun to be around. They are completely different people. If you can make it work and be happy great, but dont be together and be miserable thinking its whats best for your chid. :flowerforyou:

My stepdad was an alcoholic. It was an AWFUL environment to live in. When we were growing up, he wasn't that bad, he would only drink at night after we all went to bed, but then after about 8 years, he started drinking during the day, and turned into an alcoholic 24/7. Even to this day, after they've been divorced for years, I still have a hard time drinking, or even watching other people drink.

You don't change unless it hurts bad enough to. So now you have to decide how to live your life and then be willing to deal with the consequences that come from someone who has addictions. My best to you and your dilema. If he doesn't recognize he has a problem then he won't change until he does.

Comparing his drinking to your struggles with houscleaning is grasping at straws at best, and just simply pathetic.

I'm married to a recovering drug addict. He smoked weed when we started dating, and I knew that. Shortly after our son was born in 2003 he ramped up to cocaine. He quit his job in January of 2005, and it spiraled out of control after that.

I took our son and left on April 28. He entered rehab at the end of June, I moved back home in July. He relapsed and went back into rehab almost exactly one year later. In 2007 he was once again unemployed, then the gambling addiction reared it's ugly head. It's been a LONG, HARD road that is just finally starting to level out. Some days I wonder if staying was the best choice, but he's becoming the loving, involved husband and father he used to be once again.

That is my story, it doesn't work that way for everyone.

Al-Anon is something I cannot recommend strongly enough. The people around those tables know the crazy-making your are living with, and it is crazy making. He's working to keep you off balance. That's what the ridiculous comparisons are about. When I first started sharing at meetings do you know what I saw on the faces of the people around those tables? Understanding. They were nodding their heads. Some have even worse crazy making to share.

Listen to me:
You didn't cause the alcoholism.
You can't control the alcoholism.
You can't cure the alcoholism.

Taking notes to bars and liquor stores is simply manipulation. That's all it is. Go to Al-Anon, today, tonight, soon. Learn how to take care of you and your child, and leave him to the natural consequences of his behavior. Arguing with him? Pointless. And a waste of energy.

I just noticed you mentioned you've moved back out. Good for you. Now, get to some meetings and get yourself emotionally/mentally healthy. Also a good idea to limit your contact with him, like you mentioned. In fact, I would encourage everything be done via email and in writing. That way his manipulation attempts are curtailed somewhat, and he can't doublespeak his way out of what he did or didn't say.

Please let me know if I can help you with anything. You and your daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers.