Awkward moment with friend's offensive joking...

Minnesnowtagurl · March 2012

Awkward moment with friend's offensive joke...

Has this ever happened of am I just being sensitive?

So my friend told me she had conversation with her husband and they were trying to figure out how much over weight the average woman is. (I had the feeling from the beginning of the conversation that I’d end up offended but I kept listening...and smiling) he guessed 40-50lbs. She told him that it couldn’t be that much and he replied by stating that the women in his office were a perfect example of this.

She continued by saying how he went in to a story about how a lady it his office has back fat and that she or her husband had never noticed that people have back fat and how disgusting they must look naked. Also she mentioned that he said “actually saw them through the back of this lady’s shirt.” Well she was laughing the whole time (granted this was a woman she doesn’t care for) all I was thinking was “Wow! I wonder what you think of me and my back boobs.”

I have lost a good chuck of weight but I still have work to do. If you were wondering, YEP you’ve guessed it. She has never weighed anything over 130 in her whole life and after 3 kids and is currently about a size 4 pants and X-Small shirts. I kinda smiled so that she wouldn’t pick up on it but could help feel bad.

Sl1ghtly · March 2012

That totally happens to my friends all the time.

CharlieBarleyMom · March 2012

It is amazing how insensitive people can be about overweight people. I know I've done it myself - big case of pot and kettle... I have learned that all people have different reasons for their weight gain and just because someone is so much larger than myself (which seems impossible sometimes because I was NOT tiny in any way shape or form) doesn't mean that they "just don't take care of themselves" and are available to be the butt of a joke.

Rather than just be offended - speak up and tell your friend that the conversation is offensive. It obviously wasn't a joke to her.

Education is our best defense against people who just don't think before they open their mouths.

sjmgde · March 2012

Skinny ppl do not get the struggle at all. if it bothers you a lot let her know where you are coming from. If not let it slide but if she brings itup again i would def. say something.

jenlarz · March 2012

I would probably come off with a "watch it' comment or something. But a good thing, as your friend she just sees you as being you. Not you as a fat friend

jenlarz · March 2012

By the way, looking at your pic you look good. I wasn't calling you fat or anything.

oddyogi · March 2012

That's pushing it a bit. $:\$ I would have felt awkward and given her the "are you ****ing serious" look, but that's just me.

heidiberr · March 2012

This makes me sad. I had friends I had to cut out of my life because they didn't get it--they couldn't tolerate me watching what I ate when we would get together and didn't understand why I didn't want to go out and drink every weekend (Helllloo--I'd rather eat my dinner than drink it when I'm watching the calories in vs. calories out.)

Just remember--you are strong, determined, and have went through an incredible battle to come out the other side healthy and much more appreciative of your small size. Those who were never big will never quite understand the accomplishment of going into a dressing room and finding that you need a smaller size...or zipping that size 6 pencil skirt..and crying because you felt like you made it.

DAM_Fine · March 2012

You know she wasn't meaning to be offensive to you, right? She probably doesn't think of you as being heavy - you're just her friend. And if she is your friend, she will not take offense if you tell her that you would rather not hear stories like that.

monicaroozo · March 2012

I agree with this.

Laoch_Cailin · March 2012

This and sometimes friends don't put us in the bracket they put others. My friend said to me the other day......'your legs are so skinny in them jeans, they used to be massive before.....' so how do you answer that one. I just said thanks, she meant it as a complement.....I THINK

BaconMD · March 2012

I avoided the fat jokes by... making them first. I pretended to lick one of my moobs once, and boy did my friends get offended... I thought it was funny. It was funny. She was uptight. lol

wickedcricket · March 2012

yes it's offensive, rude and cruel and I'd evaluate the 'friendship' to see if I MUST have this person in my life (not). Friends build you up - not knock you down.
Also- they are asking for a HUGE cosmic Karma knockdown. I've known SO many ppl who make fun of fat people end up fat themselves. NEVER EVER hold yourself over another human being. God is watching and CAN KNOCK YOU LOWER in an instant.

You keep on keeping on. Haters hate themselves most. Don't be one

deja_blu · March 2012

What she doesn't know is that she could have a disease that keeps her from being a smaller size. Maybe that woman is struggling with depression/abuse/who knows. I won't even say it's because she's skinny. I have seen "fluffy" folks talk about "even fluffier" folks so no one is excused from this type of behavior.

But she would say, "Oh no, no, no! Not you!" But if you are 40-50 lbs overweight (according to your friend and her husband) then yeah, you are talking about me, and everyone else who qualifies.

I'd suggest distancing yourself from her when she gets out of pocket.

But I think you're awesome and that's all that matters, right? (Right!) =P

lejess · March 2012

You're probably right about this.

However, that doesnt make it OK. Maybe its just me, but I get really tired of people making fun of those who are overweight. Especially when its skinny people who didnt have to work for it. People who dont struggle with their weight have no idea whats involved. Its not simply just about food. There are so many more components involved. Its heartbreaking to me that people can get made fun of, discriminated by their peers, and treated like garbage just because they are overweight.

My advice to you, if you're in this situation again, you might want to speak up. Not just for yourself, but for anyone who struggles like you have. Its only through tolerance and education that people will learn that this kind of this isnt and shouldnt be acceptable.

Im sure your friend really meant no harm, but really, its not fair of her to judge that woman or make comments that make you uncomfortable.

Minnesnowtagurl · March 2012

Thanks! Yes, I do know she wasn't trying to be directly offensive to me but because I still have insecurities within my self and the way I feel when I look in the mirror, I didn't want to become terribly defensive back at her. I suppose it is just a push and pull type situation of just basically not knowing how I felt about what was said.

misskerouac · March 2012

^This.

My husband will make comments while we are watching TV sometimes and he'll be like "Good gravy Christina Aguilera got big" and i'll respond "You know she's probably like 50 lbs lighter than I am right?" but he doesn't understand the correlation. One thing has nothing to do with the other. He doesn't see me as fat, but he thinks she is even though i'm a gigantor compared to her.

jhartram · March 2012

You're not just being sensitive. Comments like that hurt! But here are a couple of things to consider...

1) I have a friend who told me lately she'd lost a lot of weight... she was finally in 14s! After about an hour of conversation I broke down and asked what size she started at... 22s. I'd NEVER seen her weight. I'd only ever seen her "skinny perky cheerleader" personality. I actually thought she was thinner than me... and she'd weighed more than I did at the time since second grade.

2) I have another friend on the far end of the scale... size 4 after 2 kids, yadda yadda yadda. I was trying to make a joke about being the 'fat' friend and she started crying... Evidently she was VERY frustrated because nobody thought 'thin' people could have a problem with their bodies.

I'm not saying you're wrong to feel offended... but could it be that because you make comments about her being skinny she thinks your friendship can handle her talking about someone fat?

Either way, I think communication is probably the way to find the problem and fix it. (Before someone decides to call me hypocritical, let me say I am NOT the communication queen by a long shot... still working on my own communication issues, but this has worked for me in the past in similar circumstances.)

Good luck! =D

MstngSammy · March 2012

Your friend probably doesn't think of you in that way at all. She just sees you...that's why she feels comfortable talking about it. I can see how you might feel otherwise though.

Don't sweat it. :flowerforyou:

ArtGeek22 · March 2012

Yes, this has happened to me multiple times. They can just be so insensitive!

Actually, I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to share my success with my best friend (and I mean BEST friend). When we had lunch out, and I ordered a salad she asked why I got a salad and if I was on a diet or something.

My response was "No, I am not really on a diet just trying to eat better and workout more. Since this decision, I have actually lost 14 pounds!"

(this was her exact response) "Oh, I didn't notice. Your face is still chubby though! (annoying laugh here)"

I know she was just joking and I just smiled and laughed along. But in that moment I felt like crying, punching her, storming out of the restaurant, and a million other things!

We have had a few more incidents since then like "more your fat body over so I can have so room on the couch!" when I was just in the lounging position.

But I have learned just to laugh along and smile even though it hurts a lot. They just don't get it. But my advice is basically just like everyone else. Work up the nerve (which can take time for me at least) and approach her about it. Maybe tell her what she said was not okay and was offensive and that she should be more careful about what she says.

Anyway, best of luck on your journey! You look fantastic in your profile picture

And...

Keep Calm and Carry On,
Anna :flowerforyou:

Lainn · March 2012

A lot of my friends are smaller than me. I have a sister in law who is skinny with a capital S. And yes these people make comments like that often, but they are usually followed by a "OH! But I don't mean YOU of course! No offense tee hee hee!"

What really hurts is that they are so quick to make rude comments about peoples weight, but it doesn't stop there. These are usually the same people who gossip and make fun of just about anything they don't like on someone else. I think it is sad. I a lot of times call them out on it and it makes them uncomfortable...but I think in a way that is a good thing. Makes them aware of how rude that comment really was.

theonenonlykris · March 2012

Some people just need to be told about themselves..... we spend so much time candy coating things to not hurt people's feelings and word smithing to be more politically correct. I guarantee if you would have said something she wouldn't say it again around you. I am not saying to be rude, but if it was offensive, thats exactly what you let her know. Maybe if she heard your story and struggles she would learn and open her eyes to the health of the person, not just their looks.

Making someone out to be inferior to make yourself look better is definitely a quality I don't care for in a friend. Once you voice your opinion on her weight comments, she'll move on to people who are poor, then people who have big noses and so on.

DAM_Fine · March 2012

Can I just say somehting here for a moment? I have people telling me all the time now that I shouldn't lose any more weight, that I'm getting too skinny. I tell them that I am at a very healthy weight for my size and challenge them to a run to see who's in better shape. No one has ever taken me up on it yet.

I have a sister that convinced my mother that I was anorexic - neither of them had even seen me except in pictures for over six months. My sister kept telling me that at my age (57) it's better to be overweight than underweight - being thinner would make me look older, and if I ever got sick I'd have no reserves to fall back on. I told her I don't intend to live my life planning on being sick. When they saw me at Christmas, my sister actually apologized (very rare - lol) and said I was looking great but I shouldn't lose any more weight. I paid as much attention to that as the other comments I've received.

You have to listen to your own voice, love, and learn to tune out or challenge the ones that try to make an issue of it - intentionally or not.

funkycamper · March 2012

This.

I don't stay friends with people who think it's funny to make fun of anybody for whatever reason. I think it says something about someone's character and that's not the type of people I choose to associate with.

klynn81 · March 2012

One of my best friends married a guy that was like that. He owns a fitness facility and she was telling me how he was so disgusted with one of their friends and the amount of weight that she had put on. A week later I told her she married the wrong guy, that it wasn't like her to be with someone like that, that I've been overweight for many a years and she's never once judged me for my appearance and the idea that she married someone who judges others like that absolutely appalled me.....their marriage didn't even last a year and she filed the papers for divorce.

Your not being sensitive. It's sickening that he would talk like that, and that she as your friend would tell you all about and it and laugh knowing you've struggled with your weight. If you haven't told her that you found that offensive, I would.

I don't have time for "friends" like that in my life.

Peta22 · March 2012

I relate to this but in my case the Ex Husbands comments were directly squarely at me - he did see me as fat! Funny thing is that he was comparing me to Victoria Beckham and at the time I was 10kg lighter Han I m now... Glad I ditched him!!!

christine24t · March 2012

This is definitely true. I'm not married, but I completely understand your point.

It sounds like your friend is just a little ditzy, and didn't even think her comment would affect you in any way - just like the above story does the same. If it were me, I would have reached back and grabbed my back fat and cracked a joke. But some people aren't like that, and that's not how they deal with situations. In that case, I might have said something like "well I wonder what your husband/you would think of my back fat then." That is just enough to put the point across that "hey! i'm listening!"

hongruss · March 2012

ARE YOU SERIOUS? - This women was being purposefully spiteful & using your "friendship" to have a dig at you. This is not a friend, this is a horrible insecure person that can see the changes you are making & is trying to undermine your efforts & potential success. DO NOT INVEST YOUR TIME IN THIS RELATIONSHIP! If needs be still be polite BUT DO NOT SHARE with this women, start to talk in monosyllables & when she asks why so taciturn, explain your tired, not enough sleep, etc ANYTHING that stops you engaging in conversation with her.

Russ

mes1119 · March 2012

While she may have a low weight, her low pant size, after have 3 children, shows how hard she works. DON'T YOU DARE discredit her for her hard work. While she may have never been overweight, she most likely worked her butt off to stay small. Most people that are small (with the exception of those that are skinny fat) worked their butt off to get there.

You're just jealous.

She was smart enough to never let herself get to a point where it was difficult to manage.

douglasmobbs · March 2012

I hope that this was meant to be sarcasm.

andrea198721 · March 2012

You have lost 63 pounds! That is AWESOME! Just let those comments roll off your back and keep up the good work!

It doesn't matter if she's been small or how hard she works. If she works really hard to stay that small then she knows how much effort goes into it! It still doesn't give her or anyone else to make fun anyone for any reason.... Some people feel like they have to hate on others to make themselves feel better or to get a good laugh. Tell your friend how it made you feel.

Awkward moment with friend's offensive joking...

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