Awkward moment with friend's offensive joking...

Minnesnowtagurl
Minnesnowtagurl Posts: 406 Member
in Motivation and Support
Awkward moment with friend's offensive joke...


Has this ever happened of am I just being sensitive?

So my friend told me she had conversation with her husband and they were trying to figure out how much over weight the average woman is. (I had the feeling from the beginning of the conversation that I’d end up offended but I kept listening...and smiling) he guessed 40-50lbs. She told him that it couldn’t be that much and he replied by stating that the women in his office were a perfect example of this.

She continued by saying how he went in to a story about how a lady it his office has back fat and that she or her husband had never noticed that people have back fat and how disgusting they must look naked. Also she mentioned that he said “actually saw them through the back of this lady’s shirt.” Well she was laughing the whole time (granted this was a woman she doesn’t care for) all I was thinking was “Wow! I wonder what you think of me and my back boobs.”

I have lost a good chuck of weight but I still have work to do. If you were wondering, YEP you’ve guessed it. She has never weighed anything over 130 in her whole life and after 3 kids and is currently about a size 4 pants and X-Small shirts. I kinda smiled so that she wouldn’t pick up on it but could help feel bad.
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Replies

  • Sl1ghtly
    Sl1ghtly Posts: 855 Member
    That totally happens to my friends all the time.
  • CharlieBarleyMom
    CharlieBarleyMom Posts: 727 Member
    It is amazing how insensitive people can be about overweight people. I know I've done it myself - big case of pot and kettle... I have learned that all people have different reasons for their weight gain and just because someone is so much larger than myself (which seems impossible sometimes because I was NOT tiny in any way shape or form) doesn't mean that they "just don't take care of themselves" and are available to be the butt of a joke.

    Rather than just be offended - speak up and tell your friend that the conversation is offensive. It obviously wasn't a joke to her.

    Education is our best defense against people who just don't think before they open their mouths.
  • sjmgde
    sjmgde Posts: 381 Member
    Skinny ppl do not get the struggle at all. if it bothers you a lot let her know where you are coming from. If not let it slide but if she brings itup again i would def. say something.
  • jenlarz
    jenlarz Posts: 813 Member
    I would probably come off with a "watch it' comment or something. But a good thing, as your friend she just sees you as being you. Not you as a fat friend
  • jenlarz
    jenlarz Posts: 813 Member
    By the way, looking at your pic you look good. I wasn't calling you fat or anything.
  • oddyogi
    oddyogi Posts: 1,816 Member
    That's pushing it a bit. :\ I would have felt awkward and given her the "are you ****ing serious" look, but that's just me.
  • heidiberr
    heidiberr Posts: 643 Member
    This makes me sad. I had friends I had to cut out of my life because they didn't get it--they couldn't tolerate me watching what I ate when we would get together and didn't understand why I didn't want to go out and drink every weekend (Helllloo--I'd rather eat my dinner than drink it when I'm watching the calories in vs. calories out.)

    Just remember--you are strong, determined, and have went through an incredible battle to come out the other side healthy and much more appreciative of your small size. Those who were never big will never quite understand the accomplishment of going into a dressing room and finding that you need a smaller size...or zipping that size 6 pencil skirt..and crying because you felt like you made it.
  • DAM_Fine
    DAM_Fine Posts: 1,227 Member
    You know she wasn't meaning to be offensive to you, right? She probably doesn't think of you as being heavy - you're just her friend. And if she is your friend, she will not take offense if you tell her that you would rather not hear stories like that.
  • monicaroozo
    monicaroozo Posts: 200
    You know she wasn't meaning to be offensive to you, right? She probably doesn't think of you as being heavy - you're just her friend. And if she is your friend, she will not take offense if you tell her that you would rather not hear stories like that.

    I agree with this.
  • Laoch_Cailin
    Laoch_Cailin Posts: 414 Member
    You know she wasn't meaning to be offensive to you, right? She probably doesn't think of you as being heavy - you're just her friend. And if she is your friend, she will not take offense if you tell her that you would rather not hear stories like that.

    This and sometimes friends don't put us in the bracket they put others. My friend said to me the other day......'your legs are so skinny in them jeans, they used to be massive before.....' so how do you answer that one. I just said thanks, she meant it as a complement.....I THINK
  • BaconMD
    BaconMD Posts: 1,165 Member
    I avoided the fat jokes by... making them first. I pretended to lick one of my moobs once, and boy did my friends get offended... I thought it was funny. It was funny. She was uptight. lol
  • wickedcricket
    wickedcricket Posts: 1,246 Member
    yes it's offensive, rude and cruel and I'd evaluate the 'friendship' to see if I MUST have this person in my life (not). Friends build you up - not knock you down.
    Also- they are asking for a HUGE cosmic Karma knockdown. I've known SO many ppl who make fun of fat people end up fat themselves. NEVER EVER hold yourself over another human being. God is watching and CAN KNOCK YOU LOWER in an instant.

    You keep on keeping on. Haters hate themselves most. Don't be one
  • deja_blu
    deja_blu Posts: 359 Member
    What she doesn't know is that she could have a disease that keeps her from being a smaller size. Maybe that woman is struggling with depression/abuse/who knows. I won't even say it's because she's skinny. I have seen "fluffy" folks talk about "even fluffier" folks so no one is excused from this type of behavior.

    But she would say, "Oh no, no, no! Not you!" But if you are 40-50 lbs overweight (according to your friend and her husband) then yeah, you are talking about me, and everyone else who qualifies.

    I'd suggest distancing yourself from her when she gets out of pocket.

    But I think you're awesome and that's all that matters, right? (Right!) =P

    5499814.png
  • lejess
    lejess Posts: 63
    You know she wasn't meaning to be offensive to you, right? She probably doesn't think of you as being heavy - you're just her friend. And if she is your friend, she will not take offense if you tell her that you would rather not hear stories like that.

    You're probably right about this.

    However, that doesnt make it OK. Maybe its just me, but I get really tired of people making fun of those who are overweight. Especially when its skinny people who didnt have to work for it. People who dont struggle with their weight have no idea whats involved. Its not simply just about food. There are so many more components involved. Its heartbreaking to me that people can get made fun of, discriminated by their peers, and treated like garbage just because they are overweight.

    My advice to you, if you're in this situation again, you might want to speak up. Not just for yourself, but for anyone who struggles like you have. Its only through tolerance and education that people will learn that this kind of this isnt and shouldnt be acceptable.

    Im sure your friend really meant no harm, but really, its not fair of her to judge that woman or make comments that make you uncomfortable.
  • Minnesnowtagurl
    Minnesnowtagurl Posts: 406 Member
    You know she wasn't meaning to be offensive to you, right? She probably doesn't think of you as being heavy - you're just her friend. And if she is your friend, she will not take offense if you tell her that you would rather not hear stories like that.



    Thanks! Yes, I do know she wasn't trying to be directly offensive to me but because I still have insecurities within my self and the way I feel when I look in the mirror, I didn't want to become terribly defensive back at her. I suppose it is just a push and pull type situation of just basically not knowing how I felt about what was said.
  • misskerouac
    misskerouac Posts: 2,242 Member
    She probably doesn't think of you as being heavy - you're just her friend.

    ^This.

    My husband will make comments while we are watching TV sometimes and he'll be like "Good gravy Christina Aguilera got big" and i'll respond "You know she's probably like 50 lbs lighter than I am right?" but he doesn't understand the correlation. One thing has nothing to do with the other. He doesn't see me as fat, but he thinks she is even though i'm a gigantor compared to her.
  • jhartram
    jhartram Posts: 165
    You're not just being sensitive. Comments like that hurt! But here are a couple of things to consider...

    1) I have a friend who told me lately she'd lost a lot of weight... she was finally in 14s! After about an hour of conversation I broke down and asked what size she started at... 22s. I'd NEVER seen her weight. I'd only ever seen her "skinny perky cheerleader" personality. I actually thought she was thinner than me... and she'd weighed more than I did at the time since second grade.

    2) I have another friend on the far end of the scale... size 4 after 2 kids, yadda yadda yadda. I was trying to make a joke about being the 'fat' friend and she started crying... Evidently she was VERY frustrated because nobody thought 'thin' people could have a problem with their bodies.

    I'm not saying you're wrong to feel offended... but could it be that because you make comments about her being skinny she thinks your friendship can handle her talking about someone fat?

    Either way, I think communication is probably the way to find the problem and fix it. (Before someone decides to call me hypocritical, let me say I am NOT the communication queen by a long shot... still working on my own communication issues, but this has worked for me in the past in similar circumstances.)

    Good luck! =D
  • MstngSammy
    MstngSammy Posts: 436 Member
    Your friend probably doesn't think of you in that way at all. She just sees you...that's why she feels comfortable talking about it. I can see how you might feel otherwise though.

    Don't sweat it. :flowerforyou:
  • ArtGeek22
    ArtGeek22 Posts: 1,429 Member
    Yes, this has happened to me multiple times. They can just be so insensitive!

    Actually, I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to share my success with my best friend (and I mean BEST friend). When we had lunch out, and I ordered a salad she asked why I got a salad and if I was on a diet or something.

    My response was "No, I am not really on a diet just trying to eat better and workout more. Since this decision, I have actually lost 14 pounds!"

    (this was her exact response) "Oh, I didn't notice. Your face is still chubby though! (annoying laugh here)"

    I know she was just joking and I just smiled and laughed along. But in that moment I felt like crying, punching her, storming out of the restaurant, and a million other things!

    We have had a few more incidents since then like "more your fat body over so I can have so room on the couch!" when I was just in the lounging position.

    But I have learned just to laugh along and smile even though it hurts a lot. They just don't get it. But my advice is basically just like everyone else. Work up the nerve (which can take time for me at least) and approach her about it. Maybe tell her what she said was not okay and was offensive and that she should be more careful about what she says.

    Anyway, best of luck on your journey! You look fantastic in your profile picture :smile:And...

    Keep Calm and Carry On,
    Anna :flowerforyou:
  • Lainn
    Lainn Posts: 281 Member
    A lot of my friends are smaller than me. I have a sister in law who is skinny with a capital S. And yes these people make comments like that often, but they are usually followed by a "OH! But I don't mean YOU of course! No offense tee hee hee!"

    What really hurts is that they are so quick to make rude comments about peoples weight, but it doesn't stop there. These are usually the same people who gossip and make fun of just about anything they don't like on someone else. I think it is sad. I a lot of times call them out on it and it makes them uncomfortable...but I think in a way that is a good thing. Makes them aware of how rude that comment really was.

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