Should I help my friend lose weight?

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  • vanishingirl77
    vanishingirl77 Posts: 37
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    Of course you shouldn't "confront" her. That's asking for a "confrontation, " which would probably just cause emotional distress for her and for your relationship, and that wouldn't help her get healthier. You said that she was on anti-depressants that caused the weight gain, so I doubt that her issues with food are as simple as ordering extra cheese sauce. It's an emotional issue. She doesn't need a lecture, so if you do decide to address the issue, keep everything positive. Remain positive whenever you're talking about nutrition or exercise - explain WHY you're making the choices your making and leave it be. But don't "confront."

    On the other hand, if she complains a lot about her weight, I would just ask her flat out if she wants your help to lose weight. That might open some doors to introduce her to a healthier lifestyle!

    :smile:
    Hang in there and keep being a good friend!
  • SunnyAndrsn
    SunnyAndrsn Posts: 369 Member
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    Unfortunately she will only take the steps to lose weight when she is ready. I know my girlfriend and myself spent many months wishing we were smaller (while dunking all sorts of fried meats into ranch dressing) until we decided finally to do something about our weight. We have lost a combined 51 pounds since January and feel so much better now.
    Just be supportive of your friend and hopefully your example will be motivation enough for her to change. Everyone knows what they have to do....we all just have different reasons and times to start our journey. Your friend is lucky that she has caring friends ready to help her like you

    This x2. If I would have tried to lose weight for as long as I'd thought about it, I'd be at my goal weight by now. Also, I'm a lot like your friend, OP. I was a normal weight in high school, gained in college, a lot of it because of depression.

    I also have to laugh a little when you say you won't "let" your friend take diet pills. If she wants to, she will, and there is nothing you can do to stop her, just like there is nothing you can do to make her eat healthy and exercise.
  • dia77
    dia77 Posts: 410 Member
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    if you say she is your friend- you should do somrthing for her. After all , what are friends for? I had the same situation with my friend and we start togheter on MFP..Everything was good for a while but after that life happened and both of us quit. I came back, she didn't. She told me she is not ready yet and I respect that. I told her I will be waiting for her and I try to remaind her , gently, that I am still doing it , even if I hit a plateau a month ago.
    If you consider yourself her friend , jut talk to her , but not in a critical way. More ike a friendly thing that you can do togheder.
  • DoingitWell
    DoingitWell Posts: 560 Member
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    You are her friend. The best thing you can do is just model the healthy behavior. For example if you two are about to go out. Make a big deal about how you are going to eat before you leave so you know you are going to eat healthy to continue your weight loss. Also pack her snack too so she won't feel the need to eat out while you two are together.
  • AZKristi
    AZKristi Posts: 1,801 Member
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    Unless you want her to become super defensive, I wouldn't recommend pointing out her nutritional naughtiness when she talks about getting back to high school weight. While we were in the process of gaining - nearly all of us knew why it was happening. It was because we were more food than our bodies required, duh! But, the reasons we eat are many fold and your friend is obviously struggling with these. To loose weight you don't have to know about the importance of diet and exercise, you actually have to have the motivation to change these aspects of your lifestyle.

    Perhaps next time she mentions wanting to get back to her high school weight, simply mention how important logging food has been on YOUR journey. Encourage her to keep a food diary. This is a concrete action she can take without having to confront some of the more difficult psychological issues associated with food/eating. Perhaps seeing what she puts in her body day after day, in black and white, can be the spark she needs to start making some changes.
  • sarglava
    sarglava Posts: 206 Member
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    This x2. If I would have tried to lose weight for as long as I'd thought about it, I'd be at my goal weight by now. Also, I'm a lot like your friend, OP. I was a normal weight in high school, gained in college, a lot of it because of depression.

    I also have to laugh a little when you say you won't "let" your friend take diet pills. If she wants to, she will, and there is nothing you can do to stop her, just like there is nothing you can do to make her eat healthy and exercise.

    You're right. If she wants to she will. But diet pills are the one thing where I have no qualms about confrontation.
  • 1shauna1
    1shauna1 Posts: 993 Member
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    I don't know, it's so easy to offend someone when talking about their weight. If she hasn't asked for your help, just be there for her and continue to set a good example. If she's still on the depression meds that could be hindering her progress too.
  • heidikat72
    heidikat72 Posts: 42 Member
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    This is a tricky situation due to her depression. You don't want to alienate her. Many depression meds slow metabolism down too while making you very hungry which isn't helping with her eating choices. However there are depression meds that don't have that side effect. If you bring up the weight issue at all make sure you are doing it from a health stance and perhaps suggest she talk to her doctor about different meds - that is something she and doctor will have to work out as not every med works for everyone. I would definitely suggest encourage healthy activities to do when you get together - perhaps also pick restaurants that have mainly healthy eating options when you go out for meals together. As an extremely overweight person who has bouts of depression I can say the unhealthy eating and depression make a vicious cycle that feed off each other. I also know that when my "thin" friends would mention anything about me needing to lose weight, it just made me feel worse, even more inadequate and want to retreat and avoid them. It took a friend in the same situation as me and seeing her progress coupled with my doctor strongly urging me to have weight loss surgery that made me finally get my act together earlier this year to do this right and deal with my eating addiction so I don't have to have the surgery.
  • crogers9189
    crogers9189 Posts: 41 Member
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    Through my life many people have tried to "help" me lose weight. I am going to be honest with you, it wont happen until she is ready. If you confront about her eating habits all she is gonna do is go somewhere and binge eat. I know this from experience. She will feel judged by you. And although you are not judging her that's how she will see it. I would suggest you try a fitness class and invite her along every time you go, eventually she will say yes. You could find healthy recipes and present them to her as something you tried and loved and not as "diet" food. Just bring little things up in conversation like "oh I tried the new exercise today, it was awesome let me show you it" I hope eventually your friend will accept your help but she is going to have to come to you for it. When she does come to you and wants to lose weight help her develop a plan, like focus on getting active first, walking or a group class or something and then after a few weeks focus on getting the eating right.

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  • futbolkt21
    futbolkt21 Posts: 57
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    I'd say that you should probably just lead by example...? She needs to decide to make the change on her own.
  • SoozeE512
    SoozeE512 Posts: 439 Member
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    I agree with Trixirn, next time you go out with your friend, try to fit in some exercise without it obviously being exercise. Ask her to go window-shopping with you and walk all over a big mall. Or if it's a nice day out, ask her to join you for a short walk at a park just to get some fresh air, maybe tell her it's because you have to blow off some steam or you have a story to tell her.

    If she joins you for these walks, she won't even realize you're doing it to try to help her, she'll think she's being a good friend by giving you good company. Who knows, once she starts exercising more, she might feel better about herself and maybe she'll start asking you to go out for walks.

    That way, you can avoid the touchy topic of what she eats, and at the same time, be encouraging a different healthy habit.
  • SocialRopes
    SocialRopes Posts: 51 Member
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    the best thing you can do is continue to set a good example for her. she obviously isn't ready, but when she is she will probably approach you about it first since you are on the right path.
    weight loss is one of those touchy subjects with friends. i have found that people who are not in the zone and focused on their health do not want to hear you talk about your accomplishments and the things you have been doing to improve yourself. i know from experience ~ when your friends are into their weight loss, even if it's only temporary, they love to talk about it and will embrace your victories with you; when they are no longer in the zone, the last thing they want to hear is that you are being successful. i have friends who think i am "obsessed" when actually i am just focused. (big difference, because trust me, i know people who are truly obsessed and it's not pretty.)
    i have lost a couple of friends on this weight loss ride and i've had a couple of other friends who pulled away during my most successful times. the bruises on those relationships will forever be there, but for the sake of the friendships, i have dealt with them and tried to put it behind me.
    continue to set a good example ~ best of luck!
  • irishmist40
    irishmist40 Posts: 30
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    oh my goodness....You are a great friend and seem to be worried about your Pal. YES you should help her because maybe she is not in a place to help herself . You will have to be as kind as you can when talking to her and let her understand how important she is to you. Being on the meds might not help her weight as she may be more relaxed about her food choice and lack of exercise but maybe after you talk to her about it ye might do fun exercise things together , even go for a walk together in the evenings and catch up on all the daily news.
    Wow I WISH one of my friends had offered to help me out before I got this large, Now they do offer from time to time, I am more than willing to accept the help n company but they are all too busy with their family lives. Talk is cheap but ACTIONS say a 1000 words .
  • MichelleV1990
    MichelleV1990 Posts: 806 Member
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    Just like with smokers, nobody can make you quit something you know is unhealthy for you until you are ready. Only when your friend has hit rock bottom, will she begin to pull herself out. At that point, she'll need all the support she can get. In the meantime, remind her how much her friendship means to you, and that you'll always be there for her.
  • splackk
    splackk Posts: 163
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    I wouldn't be aggressive about it, but you mentioned that she talks about how she'd like to get back to HS weight. Maybe next time she brings it up you can (casually yet seriously) offer to help her - make it sound like it's for your sake, "Maybe we could work on it together - I could sure use a buddy to keep me accountable!" Otherwise I wouldn't bring it up if she doesn't. I'm sure she's stressed about it and it won't help her or your friendship if she feels like she's being accused or attacked.

    I really like this idea! Back in my own high school days my aunt went on a fitness kick, and although I was slim enough at the time she asked me if I would accompany her on her jogs so she had a partner and wouldn’t be so nervous going through the park alone. She would ask me to try out her new healthy recipes as her “guinea pig” and just keep me involved in a way that seemed like I was being the helpful one! She never pushed for me to change my own diet or exercise but just because I spent time with her cooking and working out I ended up reaping the benefits anyway.

    After a few months our relationship was super strong, much stronger than it had been, and we looked forward to our bi-weekly jogs and dinners more than anything else because it was just so fun spending time together and bonding. We never discussed the portion sizes or calories burned or anything like that, yet we became very close and both got in excellent shape. Framing the request as if your friend would be the one really helping you out is a great way to get her involved without criticizing her own choices, and maybe if she starts seeing results just as the product of you two spending time together she’ll be motivated to keep on!

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