Feeling like a horrible person.
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i noticed that i started talking about nothing but weight loss to my friends and it started to annoy them. not even meaning to i would constantly point out how unhealthy things were that they were eating and i kept making them feel bad. i didn't notice at first but once i realized i just started controlling the things i said. like when you're a child and your parents tell you to think about what you say before you say it. i just had to remember that and i don't bring up my weight loss to anyone besides my parents and my boyfriend unless they ask. it's easier this way. i'm not sure exactly how to fix the situation you're going through. i guess other than trying to apologize to her you can just be more careful of how much you talk about it and eventually she'll hear about how you've changed and she'll come around.
hoe things can get resolved soon.
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I don't know what other people have told you to do, but if it were me, I would just try to talk to her about other things. I have had this same situation and I just pretended the mutual friend never talked to me and just made a point to talk to my coworker about other things. Like a movie you want to see or maybe ask her advice about something non-fitness related. Good Luck!!0
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Thanks all. I still feel badly that my actions have caused her to react like this, and to feel the way she is feeling, although I'm starting to remember that she too has a choice in how she interprets and reacts to situations.
I read a great book called the Four Agreements, which I highly recommend. In it, one of the agreements you are encouraged to embrace is "Don't take anything personally". Sometimes it's very hard to do, but you need to realize you cannot control her reactions. Yes, you are responsible for being a good and decent human being (whatever that may mean to you), but you are NOT responsible for how someone reacts to you -- it's more a reflection on who they are rather than what you are doing. I know it hurts now and is no fun when you find out someone is talking about you behind your back, but I don't think you've done much wrong here, other than being over enthusiastic maybe
We've all been there, my hubby's getting sick of my fitness talk! 0 -
With working nights, and there being only the 4 of us rotating through the week, it is uncomfortable when there is a lack of harmony. And right now, it's more uncomfortable than anything else.
I do have a plan - I want to start doing triathalons, 5K's (possibly a half marathon?), and hike Mt Kilimanjaro the year I turn 30.
The problem is that's going to alienate her further. And although I can try to brush it off as a "that's her problem", that really isn't my style...
My temporary plan is just to stand back, give her her space, and shut up.
I think that's all you can do. It's easy to get obsessed with something new, especially when it is so important to you and not realise how it impacts on other people. I think some people imagine that you are doing it to be mean or to point out the fact that they are not so successful... I'm sure that's not the case but perhaps that's what your co-worker saw.
The other option is to mention it one more time - and apologise for being self centred and obsessed (something like "I'm sorry if I've been driving you crazy talking about calories and weight loss all the time, I've been really focussed on it and I forget that it isn't so interesting to every one else"). After that I would shut up and give her space. You've been open, acknowledged that you've been annoying (sorry), told her that you are aware of this. Nothing else you can do.
Good luck!0 -
so....
1. Your obsessing about losing weight could also be called "being focused" although always talking about it is probably not so great for you!
2. You are not responsible for her self esteem
3. Instead of resenting you, and blaming you, she could have (should have) used your experiences and actions as her impetus and guide to her own healty weight loss.
You are not a horrible person for taking the action you've taken to get healthy and losing weight. What she is doing is a passive aggressive way to try to make you fail, rather than encourage you and maybe even join you. And apparently it's beginning to work.
So how about if you go to here (did you do this already?) and say something like "I realize that I have been very focused on my weight loss and have only been talking about what I'm doing to get healthy. It might seem obsessive to you and I'm sorry you feel that way. Want to join me? We can be obsessed together!"
Look in the mirror and remind yourself you are not making her think or feel anything. She is... You are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and actions. She is responsible for herself.
^^^^^^^^EXACTLY^^^^^^^^ You can apologize for maybe making her uncomfortable, but don't you dare apologize for what you have accomplished! I appreciate your post, it did make me realize that is all I have been talking about at work too and maybe I should insert some different subjects.... occasionally... lol0 -
... The reality of trying to lose weight, for all its "simplicity" is actually a neverending exercise in patience, dedication and hard work....
This is a fantastic way to look at losing weight, thanks Kitty.0 -
hmm. 3 years ago I met a girl who became my best friend. we met because we had to run a mile in PE and we were both very fat, and decided to give up and walk the mile (we bonded over our hindrance lol) we did everything together, until she dropped out of highschool. we still hung out alot anyway. her family is very wealthy, and they payed for some very expensive weight loss treatments and programs and she lost a huge amount of weight and got a boyfriend and basically a new life all together.
we grew apart, but here is one thing i did: i was always proud and happy for her. i never felt bad that she lost weight and i didint, thats so stupid. she talked about it alot, and that was fine. i tried to keep up with her but i didint have the same recorces and gave up basically. you shouldn't get mad at someones success. i care about her a whole lot and now that im on the diet train again im talking to her more. but thats me. i dont know about your coworker. because i have a really high self esteem so not alot bothers me. but thats what i would say to her. :00 -
Strong wall of text.So I'm feeling like a total *kitten*. I managed to alienate a coworker of mine, and was totally unaware that I was doing so. She's now super mad at me, resentful that I've had some success losing the weight (we were about the same size when I started this), and decided to not sit in the same area as I do when we work together, and gets really angry if I try to sit with her. I know that I become obsessed with things, and I took a step back tonight and realized that this is pretty much all I talk about now. Losing weight has become my identity, and when I think about it, I don't talk about much else. I didn't realize how much it hurt her, and how much comments from other coworkers made to her about me hurt her. I don't know how to fix this, or what I should do. I feel horrible about it. I heard this all from another coworker, who is a mutual friend, and I feel bad that he was put in that position, but worse that the coworker who is angry at me was afraid to approach me about this. I wish there was something that I could do to help her self confidence. I wish I was more approachable. I wish this situation wasn't occurring. I understand her feelings, and they are completely valid. But that doesn't mean that I'm quite the heartless ***** I make myself out to be, and it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I need to find a balance. I need to find an identity, my identity, outside of this weight loss journey. Has anyone else run into this? How did you handle it? Is there a way for me to mend hurt feelings in this instance, or should I simply step back and give her space and hope that we can be friends in the future? I'm lost.
Just ask her, "Why you mad?" Hater gonna hate.0 -
I have been there and done that....now I try to keep my health journey limited to MFP It has to be boring to others.0
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I don't feel that you have anything to apologise for, it is obviously her issue and she will find a way to deal with it if she want's to.
In the meantime when in her company just ask her about herself and try to discuss issues that aren't weight related once you have your relationship on track you will be able to discuss the differences between you.
^^^this^^^0 -
I would apologise. I would tell her that I got a bit obsessed for a minute there, but have come back down to earth. I would say that fitness is still my primary focus outside of work, but I didn't mean to dwell on it so much that I forced it to be everyone else's focus, too.
Have a conversation with her and let her talk. This is totally fixable.0 -
I agree with so many of the responses that you have gotten on this problem. First of all congratulations on the awesome new you and all the weight you have lost.
You have no reason to apologize to her for your weight loss. As far as talking about MFP you shouldn't change what you talk about. Yes she may be tired of hearing it. Yes you both were of the same weight at one time. But, the change of your lifestyle is THE NEW YOU. Your not the person you were anymore. That is her issue. Don't stress out over her issues.
I am a sensitive person myself. My sister is heavy and I do talk about some things with her about MFP but I do not only talk about that. She isn't in a place to want to loose weight. I know that. She knows I am loosing.... she is happy for me and out of the blue she gives me wonderful compliments.
The real question is: Are you true friends? or Are you simply co-workers? In any event (I don't like tension between myself and another) I would approach her and bring it right out there..... "Hi... can we talk? I feel like you don't want to be around me anymore. I don't want you to feel that I don' value you as my friend. I just wanted you to know that it bothers me that we are not as close as we once were." then leave it up to her to say why she isn't friendly with you anymore. DON'T ASSUME that it is just your weight loss. She could be going through a personal issue that has nothing to do with you.
After you do talk to her.. then accept whatever happens. Your not responsible for her... just yourself. Be proud!! Shout from the rooftops and continue being the NEW you.
url=http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker]
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Well when I lost 23 pounds I never spoke about it and no one noticed or maybe afraid to mention a compliment. It hurt a little because another coworker who made it clear that she lost 10 pounds would get an abundant of compliments. Go figure. You have the reverse situation. Your friend is upset with you, but that is not your call. Be civil but don't chase or feel guilty. You two are totally opposite in personalities. I did get tired of hearing my coworker speak about what she could eat or not eat day in day out. People would compliment her more. Now 3 months later, she is not talking about it and not losing anymore. Everyone has an opinion if you make yourself public. My journey is about endurance of staying on track. They will notice pretty soon. And if I get no compliments that's okay, because I did it for myself. If you make it public, it is for all to judge how they see fit. If you keep it private, you answer to no one. Good luck on finding peace at your workplace.0
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I would apologise. I would tell her that I got a bit obsessed for a minute there, but have come back down to earth. I would say that fitness is still my primary focus outside of work, but I didn't mean to dwell on it so much that I forced it to be everyone else's focus, too.
Have a conversation with her and let her talk. This is totally fixable.
This is perfect. We can all get a little self absorbed sometimes and I'm sure an apology would clear things right up.0 -
I would apologise. I would tell her that I got a bit obsessed for a minute there, but have come back down to earth. I would say that fitness is still my primary focus outside of work, but I didn't mean to dwell on it so much that I forced it to be everyone else's focus, too.
Have a conversation with her and let her talk. This is totally fixable.
This. Once again, Contrarian is the voice of reason.
To the OP: I would also add that you should try to avoid being so gung ho with people who aren't into fitness/health like most of us here are. This tends to bring up sore spots in people as they translate you getting healthy with judging them. I know it's not rational, but I've experienced it myself a few times along the way, and it seems to happen frequently.
Congratulations on your huge loss! You look great.0 -
Invite her to lunch and explain that it was never your intention to hurt her....
that way you have 'extended the olive branch'....next move is hers...
but
do NOT apologize for who you are and what you have done for yourself...just let her know that you are sorry she felt hurt by it.
*harsh warning*
I had MANY more friends as the chubby girl...as I am losing weight, I am losing friends...b/c many of my friends were 'sad' like I was.
~misery loves company~
I had to fight to keep my new, healthier identity through a very tricky guilt trips and attitudes obstacle course....remember..this is about you....
I got the way I WAS being more concerned about what everyone else thought...
I got the way I AM putting myself first...
just sayin'0 -
I have a Family Member who reacted to my weight loss like your co-worker has to yours. My answer - which I'm not completely happy with - is to NEVER mention Health, Weight Loss, or anything MFP or 'Diet' related in front of her. And I have told other Family members not to discuss it in front of her.
:ohwell: It feels kind of like having an Elephant in the room that noone mentions.0 -
You HAVE created your identity and because it is somewhat new I think you are at a "hiccup" and questioning the situation. The problem isn't yours. You are on the road to good health. Don't let anything or anyone bring you down. It's awesome that this is now your interest and focus. I can tell that if this coworker wanted help you would help her towards her goals. She's not ready... but that's not something you've done to her and you don't sound like a b**** to me at all.0
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I experienced this exact situation with my comparatively smaller weight loss achievement to date.
I, like you, have let my weight loss journey permeate into almost every facet of my days. I talk about it relentlessly. Even my gf gets annoyed (in a loving way, of course) that I 'dropped another .1 of a kilo'! I mean, they ARE achievements and I AM genuinely excited about them. The fact was that I was throwing my achievements in the air not seeking attention. The ones close to me know that.
I ran into an issue when I took this mentality and threw it in the face of a couple of my gf's friends who stated they were proud of me and wished they could do it too. I only meant to be encouraging but in hindsight I still get that sick feeling you get when you know you gave someone the wrong impression.
I talked to one of her friends inparticular who was so excited and enthusiastic about it. She started complimenting me on how well-thought my weight loss journey was. But then, I took that topic and started talking to another of her friends - not realising she wasn't looking to lose any weight.
It all hit a pinnacle when I said 'i lost the weight, you can too!' and she gave me a look as if I just gutted her right there and then. I tried to smooth it over and at first she was very dismissive.
Anyway, bottom line is I was open about how sorry I was and that I only meant to say these things in an air of encouragement. I said to her that I never, ever want to force any type of image on another person. I believe that if someone wants to change, they can change and I also believe that if they do not want to change, they have every right not to. It's not my body at the end of the day.
Thankfully she saw my true intentions.
What I'm trying to say is be honest with her. Lay it all out. If things turn sour at the end of it, you know you impressed on her your view and your mentality. You can walk away knowing you would not let 'unsaid feelings' get in the way of a potential friendship. 0 -
so....
1. Your obsessing about losing weight could also be called "being focused" although always talking about it is probably not so great for you!
2. You are not responsible for her self esteem
3. Instead of resenting you, and blaming you, she could have (should have) used your experiences and actions as her impetus and guide to her own healty weight loss.
You are not a horrible person for taking the action you've taken to get healthy and losing weight. What she is doing is a passive aggressive way to try to make you fail, rather than encourage you and maybe even join you. And apparently it's beginning to work.
This is some great advice. Its her problem, not yours. However you can offer her a hand and take the great journey together, or she can dig her heels in and be left behind. That's her decision, not your. You have done very well. Dont let this dampen it for you
So how about if you go to here (did you do this already?) and say something like "I realize that I have been very focused on my weight loss and have only been talking about what I'm doing to get healthy. It might seem obsessive to you and I'm sorry you feel that way. Want to join me? We can be obsessed together!"
Look in the mirror and remind yourself you are not making her think or feel anything. She is... You are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and actions. She is responsible for herself.
Great advice here. :happy: Certainly try and bridge the gap that is or has formed between you two, but at the end of the day all you can do is offer. She can either hop on board and have a great journey with you and who knows where that may lead to, or may dig her heels in where she will be left behind, struggling. That is her choice not yours. You can not be held accountable by ewither her or yourself for her decisions. You have done great things, have great goals. Don't let her take any of the glory and happiness from you.0
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