Feeling like a horrible person.

Thanks all. I still feel badly that my actions have caused her to react like this, and to feel the way she is feeling, although I'm starting to remember that she too has a choice in how she interprets and reacts to situations.

I don't have enough friends that I will ever willingly relinquish one, so I will be attempting to mend bridges, but I think I'll give her a bit of space right now, and let her choose when to try our friendship again. If she never wants to, I will be poorer without her, but life goes on.

I agree with this. She is responsible for her choices and if she didn't want to hear about it, all she needed to do was stand up and say "Please stop talking about it so much." It sounds to me like extreme envy and the pressure is on her to lose weight now that you have shown it can be done no matter where you are starting and how far you have to go.

You should not have to apologize for how someone else handles your success! Her bad for talking to another co-worker about it rather than coming to you. I think you should just go about your business as usual, maybe now that you are aware of the situation just let your actions (ie food choices) and very visible results speak for themselves and talk about other things.

Yes very awkward in a small office (I am in one too and one can always find something to be offended about if one chooses, no matter the size of the company!). If she gets to the place within herself where she is ready to change, perhaps she will find you an inspiration. Right now she finds it threatening and probably feels like she stands out in a negative way in light of your accomplishment.

A TRUE FRIEND celebrates your successes and mourns your failures regardless of what is going on in their life. A TRUE FRIEND would speak to you directly if they had a problem with something you said or did or your behavior in general. This person is not behaving like a friend.

Give her space and time and continue on your journey to find YOU!

I realised a couple of months ago that I was doing the exact same thing. The only thing I would talk about is calories, exercise, weight etc. Since I realised I've conciously shut myself up and tried to find other things to talk about. If I were you I'd be quite for a little while, just leave her be. Then after a couple of weeks or so try starting a conversation with her about something really little, even if it's just the weather. I think right now she justs needs some space. Hope that helps

So I'm feeling like a total *kitten*. I managed to alienate a coworker of mine, and was totally unaware that I was doing so. She's now super mad at me, resentful that I've had some success losing the weight (we were about the same size when I started this), and decided to not sit in the same area as I do when we work together, and gets really angry if I try to sit with her. I know that I become obsessed with things, and I took a step back tonight and realized that this is pretty much all I talk about now. Losing weight has become my identity, and when I think about it, I don't talk about much else. I didn't realize how much it hurt her, and how much comments from other coworkers made to her about me hurt her. I don't know how to fix this, or what I should do. I feel horrible about it. I heard this all from another coworker, who is a mutual friend, and I feel bad that he was put in that position, but worse that the coworker who is angry at me was afraid to approach me about this. I wish there was something that I could do to help her self confidence. I wish I was more approachable. I wish this situation wasn't occurring. I understand her feelings, and they are completely valid. But that doesn't mean that I'm quite the heartless ***** I make myself out to be, and it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I need to find a balance. I need to find an identity, my identity, outside of this weight loss journey. Has anyone else run into this? How did you handle it? Is there a way for me to mend hurt feelings in this instance, or should I simply step back and give her space and hope that we can be friends in the future? I'm lost.

Go over and apologize. Say you're very sorry if you upset them and you'll try to be more respectful/sensitive in the future. If that doesn't work move on, but at least you tried.

First of all, stop thinking about yourself as a horrible person. You haven't done anything wrong. The thing is, everyone wants to lose weight. Everyone. Even people who claim that they are happy being overweight. The reality of trying to lose weight, for all its "simplicity" is actually a neverending exercise in patience, dedication and hard work. Not everyone is capable of committing to something like that. And it isn't easy to face that about yourself when you have someone right in front of you that can. I've tried to lose weight countless times over the last 10 years, and right now, I finally understand. Something finally clicked. I feel like I cracked the code. It's a lot to take in. Sometimes I almost feel myself getting overwhelmed with how much I've put myself through to lose weight when all I needed to do was what I'm doing now.
When you make self discoveries like that, it changes you. It changes who you are and it changes how you view yourself. Kiwi, you have lost 123 pounds, so I know you understand exactly what I am talking about. That weight loss does not happen without total dedication. Because weight loss-the healthy kind of weight loss, long term goal oriented weight loss-takes time, that means that to succeed you have to make this a part of your life every single day. There is no way to avoid changing when you become enlightened with the knowledge and self awareness that you have the power to change your life and lose the weight that has been standing in the way of your happiness for all those years.
What I've learned on this journey is that the people that love you, the people that you want to be in your life-those people will listen and engage with you on this journey, because they want to take this journey with you! And sadly, I have also learned that there will be people that you will either need to accept that they cannot participate in this part of your journey, or even that they are possibly may not fit into your new life anymore. I am not suggesting that you should dump your friends that you won't lose weight with you! But you may have to accept that the people that you had "lots in common with" when you were both overweight, may no longer share the same point of view when you can't share cake, pizza and soda together.
If this person is truly a person you would like to continue to have in your life, then I recommend talking to her. Tell her exactly how you feel. After that it is out of your hands. You are not responsible for other people's emotions. Best of luck and congratulations on your astounding weight loss!

seriously, people (women, mostly) apologise too readily! you haven't done anything to be sorry about. you can make her aware that you feel you were unintentionally irritating her, and that you will cease and desist etc, but apologise? i wouldn't go that far. you should be really clear about what you're apologising for. you actually feel bad that she feels bad. that doesn't mean you should apologise for your actions. to be honest, i think if there's any of apologising, it's her for speaking out of turn about you to colleagues (a real no-no in my book). just acknowledge to her you recognised it and will change, and move on.

I don't know what other people have told you to do, but if it were me, I would just try to talk to her about other things. I have had this same situation and I just pretended the mutual friend never talked to me and just made a point to talk to my coworker about other things. Like a movie you want to see or maybe ask her advice about something non-fitness related. Good Luck!!

With working nights, and there being only the 4 of us rotating through the week, it is uncomfortable when there is a lack of harmony. And right now, it's more uncomfortable than anything else.

I do have a plan - I want to start doing triathalons, 5K's (possibly a half marathon?), and hike Mt Kilimanjaro the year I turn 30.

The problem is that's going to alienate her further. And although I can try to brush it off as a "that's her problem", that really isn't my style...

My temporary plan is just to stand back, give her her space, and shut up.

I think that's all you can do. It's easy to get obsessed with something new, especially when it is so important to you and not realise how it impacts on other people. I think some people imagine that you are doing it to be mean or to point out the fact that they are not so successful... I'm sure that's not the case but perhaps that's what your co-worker saw.

The other option is to mention it one more time - and apologise for being self centred and obsessed (something like "I'm sorry if I've been driving you crazy talking about calories and weight loss all the time, I've been really focussed on it and I forget that it isn't so interesting to every one else"). After that I would shut up and give her space. You've been open, acknowledged that you've been annoying (sorry), told her that you are aware of this. Nothing else you can do.

Good luck!

... The reality of trying to lose weight, for all its "simplicity" is actually a neverending exercise in patience, dedication and hard work....

This is a fantastic way to look at losing weight, thanks Kitty.

So I'm feeling like a total *kitten*. I managed to alienate a coworker of mine, and was totally unaware that I was doing so. She's now super mad at me, resentful that I've had some success losing the weight (we were about the same size when I started this), and decided to not sit in the same area as I do when we work together, and gets really angry if I try to sit with her. I know that I become obsessed with things, and I took a step back tonight and realized that this is pretty much all I talk about now. Losing weight has become my identity, and when I think about it, I don't talk about much else. I didn't realize how much it hurt her, and how much comments from other coworkers made to her about me hurt her. I don't know how to fix this, or what I should do. I feel horrible about it. I heard this all from another coworker, who is a mutual friend, and I feel bad that he was put in that position, but worse that the coworker who is angry at me was afraid to approach me about this. I wish there was something that I could do to help her self confidence. I wish I was more approachable. I wish this situation wasn't occurring. I understand her feelings, and they are completely valid. But that doesn't mean that I'm quite the heartless ***** I make myself out to be, and it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I need to find a balance. I need to find an identity, my identity, outside of this weight loss journey. Has anyone else run into this? How did you handle it? Is there a way for me to mend hurt feelings in this instance, or should I simply step back and give her space and hope that we can be friends in the future? I'm lost.

Strong wall of text.

Just ask her, "Why you mad?" Hater gonna hate.

I don't feel that you have anything to apologise for, it is obviously her issue and she will find a way to deal with it if she want's to.

In the meantime when in her company just ask her about herself and try to discuss issues that aren't weight related once you have your relationship on track you will be able to discuss the differences between you.

^^^this^^^

I agree with so many of the responses that you have gotten on this problem. First of all congratulations on the awesome new you and all the weight you have lost.

You have no reason to apologize to her for your weight loss. As far as talking about MFP you shouldn't change what you talk about. Yes she may be tired of hearing it. Yes you both were of the same weight at one time. But, the change of your lifestyle is THE NEW YOU. Your not the person you were anymore. That is her issue. Don't stress out over her issues.

I am a sensitive person myself. My sister is heavy and I do talk about some things with her about MFP but I do not only talk about that. She isn't in a place to want to loose weight. I know that. She knows I am loosing.... she is happy for me and out of the blue she gives me wonderful compliments.

The real question is: Are you true friends? or Are you simply co-workers? In any event (I don't like tension between myself and another) I would approach her and bring it right out there..... "Hi... can we talk? I feel like you don't want to be around me anymore. I don't want you to feel that I don' value you as my friend. I just wanted you to know that it bothers me that we are not as close as we once were." then leave it up to her to say why she isn't friendly with you anymore. DON'T ASSUME that it is just your weight loss. She could be going through a personal issue that has nothing to do with you.

After you do talk to her.. then accept whatever happens. Your not responsible for her... just yourself. Be proud!! Shout from the rooftops and continue being the NEW you.

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I would apologise. I would tell her that I got a bit obsessed for a minute there, but have come back down to earth. I would say that fitness is still my primary focus outside of work, but I didn't mean to dwell on it so much that I forced it to be everyone else's focus, too.

Have a conversation with her and let her talk. This is totally fixable.

This is perfect. We can all get a little self absorbed sometimes and I'm sure an apology would clear things right up.

Invite her to lunch and explain that it was never your intention to hurt her....
that way you have 'extended the olive branch'....next move is hers...
but
do NOT apologize for who you are and what you have done for yourself...just let her know that you are sorry she felt hurt by it.

*harsh warning*
I had MANY more friends as the chubby girl...as I am losing weight, I am losing friends...b/c many of my friends were 'sad' like I was.
~misery loves company~
I had to fight to keep my new, healthier identity through a very tricky guilt trips and attitudes obstacle course....remember..this is about you....

I got the way I WAS being more concerned about what everyone else thought...
I got the way I AM putting myself first...

just sayin'

You HAVE created your identity and because it is somewhat new I think you are at a "hiccup" and questioning the situation. The problem isn't yours. You are on the road to good health. Don't let anything or anyone bring you down. It's awesome that this is now your interest and focus. I can tell that if this coworker wanted help you would help her towards her goals. She's not ready... but that's not something you've done to her and you don't sound like a b**** to me at all.

so....

1. Your obsessing about losing weight could also be called "being focused" although always talking about it is probably not so great for you!
2. You are not responsible for her self esteem
3. Instead of resenting you, and blaming you, she could have (should have) used your experiences and actions as her impetus and guide to her own healty weight loss.

You are not a horrible person for taking the action you've taken to get healthy and losing weight. What she is doing is a passive aggressive way to try to make you fail, rather than encourage you and maybe even join you. And apparently it's beginning to work.

This is some great advice. Its her problem, not yours. However you can offer her a hand and take the great journey together, or she can dig her heels in and be left behind. That's her decision, not your. You have done very well. Dont let this dampen it for you

So how about if you go to here (did you do this already?) and say something like "I realize that I have been very focused on my weight loss and have only been talking about what I'm doing to get healthy. It might seem obsessive to you and I'm sorry you feel that way. Want to join me? We can be obsessed together!"

Look in the mirror and remind yourself you are not making her think or feel anything. She is... You are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and actions. She is responsible for herself.

Great advice here. :happy: Certainly try and bridge the gap that is or has formed between you two, but at the end of the day all you can do is offer. She can either hop on board and have a great journey with you and who knows where that may lead to, or may dig her heels in where she will be left behind, struggling. That is her choice not yours. You can not be held accountable by ewither her or yourself for her decisions. You have done great things, have great goals. Don't let her take any of the glory and happiness from you.