need some guy advice asap

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  • WingMan380
    WingMan380 Posts: 2,139 Member
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    If he was serious about working things out he would not have started off by telling you he wanted sex. I spent the first 13 years of my marriage thinking it was all about sex and how to get it next. When I changed my prespective and realized that marriage was about making my wife happy and not myself, our marriage imporved dramatically including our sex life.
  • militarydreams
    militarydreams Posts: 198 Member
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    He just wants sex, stay away from him
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
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    OK this is coming from a single Father that has full residency. Without judging I can understand why he may be reluctant to let your son stay over, it can be confusing & disruptive to the child & he then has to pick the peices up. Now for the sexting, he is probably lonely & maybe hasn't the time to invest in a new relationship, but he thnks he can get his thang on by playing you with sweet words. Yer he probably misses you, Yer he probably wanted to work it out BUT that was a year ago, he thought FU, because he was angry, spread his seed & thought he had it all, BUT now a year later he realises the dating scene is a viper pit & his responsibilities take precedence! Wait maybe I can talk nice to the ex & get a booty call.

    If he is serious, he will be looking at ways of intergrating you back into the family routine. This has to be your focus & then if the feelings are still there, then by all means "Get it On"

    Russ

    That's what has been so hard. I had our son, he practically told me to take him when I moved out, then when he started dating this woman since custody wasn't arranged yet, he took my son on a normal visit and never brought him home. He said he had a new mommy and I was no longer needed. I devoted everything I had to my son, I was a stay at home mother for almost four years. I didn't persue school or work because his therapy needed all my attention and I did everything I could. I think it would be good my our son to see me more, I only get to see him once a week as it is and that is just because we live so far apart. Thank you though, it does sound like a booty call to me too.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Never mind. My question was answered.

    Now that I've read more, I'm wondering why you would want to rekindle a marriage with a manipulative creep?
  • Matt_Wild
    Matt_Wild Posts: 2,673 Member
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    This is where I am torn because it was his way of showing affection. He has been holding my hand and kissing and hugging me, even told me he misses me. But he has expressed concern over being hurt again and I completely understand... just kind of don't know what to say to him to get out of him what he wants.

    You show affection to get T&A. It wouldn't work to be mean and expect it, would it?
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
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    There is a really great program that helps couples to reconcile. It is called Retrouvaille. It starts with a weekend, and with weekly sessions that go on for 3 months, and really work on re-establishing communication within the couple. If the program takes place in another city, you can do the sessions by conference call. Nobody gets between the couples, so that it is only the two of you. It might be just the thing that will help you and your husband connect again. Do look into it. They have a website: http://www.retrouvaille.org

    Thank you, I will def look into this.
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
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    Never mind. My question was answered.

    Now that I've read more, I'm wondering why you would want to rekindle a marriage with a manipulative creep?

    Yes, it is our son.
  • AR73
    AR73 Posts: 107
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    Without knowing the full details is hard to tell but sounds like he is just horny.
  • Marley112586
    Marley112586 Posts: 168 Member
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    Im not a man. Sorry if im butting my nose where it doesnt belong :D But I dont nessicarily think its going to be based off sex or hes just horny. My husband is a very sexual person(only with me dont worry :P) And thats just how he shows affection. We have a great realtionship. We communicate. We trust. Everything is as it should be. Was that how he showed affection when yall were married or is this a new development? He might be torn. Maybe he wants you but hes just afraid of getting hurt again so he pulls back when the more real things come into play?

    This is where I am torn because it was his way of showing affection. He has been holding my hand and kissing and hugging me, even told me he misses me. But he has expressed concern over being hurt again and I completely understand... just kind of don't know what to say to him to get out of him what he wants.

    I would just straight out ask him where yall stand. Ask him if he wants to start over. Start with little dinner and movie dates or just going to a coffee shop and talking. It doesnt have to be much but just see if he is interested in the one on one intellectual part. If hes not then theres your answer. But dont push. Very small steps.
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
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    Never mind. My question was answered.

    Now that I've read more, I'm wondering why you would want to rekindle a marriage with a manipulative creep?

    Yes, it is our son.

    He has great qualities, just isn't great about talking things out. I have always seen the best in him and he can be a great guy when he tries.
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
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    I would insist on couples counclsing . Having a special needs child is very, very stressful on a marriage. Issues need to be worked out before the is a booty call.

    That is on the top of my list. We went for a very short time right after he was diagnosed, but we thought we could fix things ourselves.... obviously not.
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
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    See like now, he just texted me to wake up because I have a job interview in an hour. I never asked him to, but he remembered and set his clock early to be sure to wish my luck before I go in.... arg! I just don't know what to do with him!
  • Whatamilike
    Whatamilike Posts: 51
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    Why do you want to go back to your ex? Has he now changed? You left him for a reason - at the time you were so unhappy you needed to leave - which was the right thing to do for YOU. YOU and your feelings are what's important here. Him being your son's father is a separate issue altogether - you feel he is a good father which is great. Is your son happy? How much do you see him? Would you like to see him more? These are the things that need to be worked out.

    If you moved back in together (say) would things be different this time? Or would it just be the same as before? Before you commit yourself to him emotionally again by sleeping with him perhaps think about whether or not he really is the person you want to be with. Do you honestly think the TWO of you can make it work? It mustn't just be YOU doing the work.

    I separated from my husband three years ago and it took me a LONG time to recover from the guilt of breaking up a family. But 3 years down the line I know it was the right thing for ME. And my children are now happy and adjusted. I'm a better Mum to them on my own than I was being married.

    YOUR happiness is the MOST important thing as your son will pick up on that - he doesn't want an unhappy Mum!

    Take care!
  • Whatamilike
    Whatamilike Posts: 51
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    See like now, he just texted me to wake up because I have a job interview in an hour. I never asked him to, but he remembered and set his clock early to be sure to wish my luck before I go in.... arg! I just don't know what to do with him!

    Don't forget he now wants something from you... sex. If he isn't listening to your other requests then I would suggest that nothing's changed.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Never mind. My question was answered.

    Now that I've read more, I'm wondering why you would want to rekindle a marriage with a manipulative creep?

    Yes, it is our son.

    He has great qualities, just isn't great about talking things out. I have always seen the best in him and he can be a great guy when he tries.

    He told you that his new GF was your son's new mother and you were no longer needed. I can't think of anything worse. I'm still wondering what could possibly be good about him to make up for that.

    Whatever you decide, he needs to agree to marriage counseling before you even consider reconciling.
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
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    Why do you want to go back to your ex? Has he now changed? You left him for a reason - at the time you were so unhappy you needed to leave - which was the right thing to do for YOU. YOU and your feelings are what's important here. Him being your son's father is a separate issue altogether - you feel he is a good father which is great. Is your son happy? How much do you see him? Would you like to see him more? These are the things that need to be worked out.

    If you moved back in together (say) would things be different this time? Or would it just be the same as before? Before you commit yourself to him emotionally again by sleeping with him perhaps think about whether or not he really is the person you want to be with. Do you honestly think the TWO of you can make it work? It mustn't just be YOU doing the work.

    I separated from my husband three years ago and it took me a LONG time to recover from the guilt of breaking up a family. But 3 years down the line I know it was the right thing for ME. And my children are now happy and adjusted. I'm a better Mum to them on my own than I was being married.

    YOUR happiness is the MOST important thing as your son will pick up on that - he doesn't want an unhappy Mum!

    Take care!

    This is why it is so hard, he has changed. He has come lightyears from where he was when I walked out. And the reason I walked out turned out to be false. I was told by a woman he worked with that they had been sleeping together two of the three years we were married and without a second though, I just left. I didn't know what else to do. And honestly I couldn't blame him if he did, so I didn't even ask. He is a great father and no my son is not happy right now. He cries for me nightly on the phone and every time we are all together he says mommy, come home, daddy and I miss you. I think I am going to talk it over with my therapist as well and see what his opinion on all of this is. Thank you so much for you input.
  • tylersmama1224
    tylersmama1224 Posts: 79
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    This is where I am torn because it was his way of showing affection. He has been holding my hand and kissing and hugging me, even told me he misses me. But he has expressed concern over being hurt again and I completely understand... just kind of don't know what to say to him to get out of him what he wants.

    You show affection to get T&A. It wouldn't work to be mean and expect it, would it?

    Very good point.
  • Whatamilike
    Whatamilike Posts: 51
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    [/quote]

    He has great qualities, just isn't great about talking things out. I have always seen the best in him and he can be a great guy when he tries.
    [/quote]

    You sound like a lovely woman. You sound so kind and caring. Sometimes to do the best thing for yourself you need to 'hurt' others, which for a sensitive person is incredibly hard. Have a think about what you REALLY want - for yourself. Picture the happiness you really need - is it with your ex? He may be wonderful when he's 'trying' but does he always want to try? You deserve to be truly happy :-)
  • cekeys
    cekeys Posts: 397 Member
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    so my husband and I have been separated for a little over a year now, I walked out, long story. I want to work things out and he is single again and we have discussed it with not really a decision on either end. a couple of weeks ago he messaged me talking about he wants to have sex with me again.... wtf? does this mean he wants to work things out or is he just looking for a piece of *kitten*? he has even talked about taking me out to dinner and a movie, but he is talking really sexual with me and says he misses sleeping with me... but then when I try to talk to him about other things like seeing my son more often and him letting my son stay over with me, he says no, you know how things are.... I am so confused and need guy advice.

    This situation is VERY common amongst divorced or separated couples. The guy really wants some kind of "maintenance" agreement; basically a "friends with benefits" situation despite your history together. Sleeping with him will not result in getting back together. Eventually he'll find someone else while sleeping with you and then just stop calling. Be strong, cut him off.
  • smplycomplicated
    smplycomplicated Posts: 484 Member
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    Never mind. My question was answered.

    Now that I've read more, I'm wondering why you would want to rekindle a marriage with a manipulative creep?

    Yes, it is our son.

    He has great qualities, just isn't great about talking things out. I have always seen the best in him and he can be a great guy when he tries.

    I feel for you, but your last sentence there "I have always seen the best in him, and he can be a great guy when he tries." my first response when i read that was...The dude has to -try- to be a great guy? why be with a person that has to try to be good to you....But then i thought for a second about my own relationships, and how i have put up with some effed up stuff out of love..or what i thought was love at the time...None of us should judge you for the decisions you make..We don't know the entire story, and haven't walked in your shoes.

    The best advice i can give you is know what you are willing to put up with..know how far you're willing to be pushed..know what you deserve and never settle for less than that.
    <3

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