Is he cheating?
neverlookingback
Posts: 8
Today is my boyfriend and I's 7 year anniversary. We have a 5 year old child together and have been living together for nearly 6 years. Ironically, last night I discovered that he's been talking to another woman on a daily basis, several times a day, usually during every single work break he has. Also, late at night on the weekends. As far as I know it's been going on for at least a week, but I wasn't able to find out any more than that. This isn't the first incident, he's been known to talk with females when he shouldn't be, there have been multiple discrepancies throughout the course of our relationship, although it's been a very long time since the last one and has never been anything as serious as me walking in on him or anything that extreme. He's naturally very outgoing and friendly, and does know a lot of people. I don't know anything else other than they talk on the phone very often and text as well. He hasn't told me anything about her, and she's definitely not a family member.
We've recently been talking about getting married, buying a home together, and having another baby. I'm torn and don't know what to do. Things have seemed really great and I don't want to jump to conclusions but I also don't want to fool myself. He's very loving, kind, patient, attentive, playful and supportive. He's my best friend. And today we're supposed to be celebrating our relationship and I can't help but act awkward and sad. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Should I confront him, and how? Should I gather more info first? Any advice is much appreciated, thank you.
We've recently been talking about getting married, buying a home together, and having another baby. I'm torn and don't know what to do. Things have seemed really great and I don't want to jump to conclusions but I also don't want to fool myself. He's very loving, kind, patient, attentive, playful and supportive. He's my best friend. And today we're supposed to be celebrating our relationship and I can't help but act awkward and sad. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Should I confront him, and how? Should I gather more info first? Any advice is much appreciated, thank you.
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Replies
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um, nice first post. Welcome to Myfitnesspal.
Good luck with your fitness goals, and the man.0 -
From you story it sounds like he is cheating, at least emotionally and it may progress. I am guessing he would deny it if confronted, so it is probably useless to ask him anything. Perhaps wait until you are really sure what is going on and confront him when you have solid proof.
Sorry you are going through this it must be absolutely awful.0 -
um, nice first post. Welcome to Myfitnesspal.
Good luck with your fitness goals, and the man.
Thank you, I am a very regular MFPer but created this profile for privacy's sake and out of humiliation.0 -
there have been multiple discrepancies throughout the course of our relationship
If you're looking for the opinion of a random internet woman: he sounds like and *kitten* and I doubt you'll ever really trust him.0 -
From you story it sounds like he is cheating, at least emotionally and it may progress. I am guessing he would deny it if confronted, so it is probably useless to ask him anything. Perhaps wait until you are really sure what is going on and confront him when you have solid proof.
Sorry you are going through this it must be absolutely awful.
Thank you very much, I really appreciate your sincerity.
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um, nice first post. Welcome to Myfitnesspal.
Good luck with your fitness goals, and the man.
Thank you, I am a very regular MFPer but created this profile for privacy's sake and out of humiliation.
((hug)) understandable. I do hope you can get to the bottom of this. I know how painful it can be.0 -
I agree he probably is cheating0
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um, nice first post. Welcome to Myfitnesspal.
Good luck with your fitness goals, and the man.
Thank you, I am a very regular MFPer but created this profile for privacy's sake and out of humiliation.
((hug)) understandable. I do hope you can get to the bottom of this. I know how painful it can be.
Hug very much needed! I appreciate the responses, they help. 0 -
As a guy I have to say that Im a bit suspicious. There is likely no need for those late night talks but it may not be all his fault. Who calls who, as some people are looking for a friend and can be very forward and clingy. Maybe he does not know how to get rid of this person.
How did you find out those details? Hmmm, makes me wonder as to the source and its credibility.
I dont like the word confront at this point. Watch for more signs and log the details, and ask him for an explanation if it continues. Confronting him may just get him to clam up and/or lie.0 -
No, I think they are platonic.....has to be0
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It definitely doesn't sound good. Try to evaluate if your relationship is worth wondering if he's cheating all the time. Like you mentioned, this isn't a first. Best of luck.0
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As a guy I have to say that Im a bit suspicious. There is likely no need for those late night talks but it may not be all his fault. Who calls who, as some people are looking for a friend and can be very forward and clingy. Maybe he does not know how to get rid of this person.
How did you find out those details? Hmmm, makes me wonder as to the source and its credibility.
I dont like the word confront at this point. Watch for more signs and log the details, and ask him for an explanation if it continues. Confronting him may just get him to clam up and/or lie.
They both call each other equally. A lot of the time one will call the other but the call is missed, and then the other calls right back. I saw his call log, that's how I discovered he'd been talking to her. I agree with you that he could possibly clam up or just lie about it to get out of it, so I want to make sure I go about it the right way and at the right time. Thank you for your advice.0 -
why don't you just ask what's up? Since you've known him for so long it shouldn't be hard to just say "I noticed you've been talking to Jane a lot lately. What's the deal?"0
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Agreed. I just wouldn't want him to brush it off and lie about it if I come at him so casually. But I'm at the point where that is what I might have to do.0
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If you think he's cheating, he is probably cheating.0
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eve if he does brush it off, at the very least you planted a seed in his mind.0
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IMHO I think there is a lot of jumping to conclusions and a ton of insecurity. My man & I have been together for over 15 yrs. He came home from work talking about a female co-working. He talked to her several times a day, every day. Never once did I feel like there was anything going on...because I trust him. When he said his co-worker was diagnosed with cancer and was out of her own personal time, I asked him what he planned to do. He told me he had already donated 2 weeks of his saved personal leave so she could have adequate time to recceive treatments. I commend him for his generosity. When her husband was diagnosed with cancer a few months later, we gave them the support they needed to get through this double tragedy. I trust him. While I don't know her well, when I see her, she is grateful that someone cared enough to help. I trust her.
I work with men all day in our company and our vendors. I chat casually as well as professionally. I have lots of their phone numbers in my phone, call them & text on occasion, from home. I have developed a strong friendshipo with one gentleman at work. I found out during a break and casually chatting that we are related by marriage and know alot of the same people. My man trusts me.
Just because men and women talk, doesn't mean there is anything sexual intended or implied. You said this has been going on for a week. You two have been together for 7 years. You imply there is infidelity, but no proof other than he talks to a female. Sad, I'd hate for you to throw away 7 yrs. Rethink and re-evaluate.0 -
This is merely my opinion, but I think if he ISN'T cheating, he's toeing the line or at least entertaining the idea of cheating. If he's calling her late at night or on work breaks it sounds like he's only doing it when he thinks you won't find out, right? So, if he's not cheating, why would he try to hide it?
Its not something you should shrug off. You need to talk to him.0 -
What were the discrepancies? From your post it sounds like just talking to women, and if that's the case, I pretty much think people are allowed to have whatever friends they want, and that if you haven't caught him doing anything actually wrong, just trust him until you see something actually wrong.0
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IMHO I think there is a lot of jumping to conclusions and a ton of insecurity. My man & I have been together for over 15 yrs. He came home from work talking about a female co-working. He talked to her several times a day, every day. Never once did I feel like there was anything going on...because I trust him. When he said his co-worker was diagnosed with cancer and was out of her own personal time, I asked him what he planned to do. He told me he had already donated 2 weeks of his saved personal leave so she could have adequate time to recceive treatments. I commend him for his generosity. When her husband was diagnosed with cancer a few months later, we gave them the support they needed to get through this double tragedy. I trust him. While I don't know her well, when I see her, she is grateful that someone cared enough to help. I trust her.
I work with men all day in our company and our vendors. I chat casually as well as professionally. I have lots of their phone numbers in my phone, call them & text on occasion, from home. I have developed a strong friendshipo with one gentleman at work. I found out during a break and casually chatting that we are related by marriage and know alot of the same people. My man trusts me.
Just because men and women talk, doesn't mean there is anything sexual intended or implied. You said this has been going on for a week. You two have been together for 7 years. You imply there is infidelity, but no proof other than he talks to a female. Sad, I'd hate for you to throw away 7 yrs. Rethink and re-evaluate.
Thank you, I am trying to be careful in handling this considering we have a life together. On one occasion, for example I found a condom in his pocket. Another example is that he was going to a woman's house on the weekends until 3 and 4 in the morning, all the while lying about where he was. Multiple people have seen him with different woman at places like the club, or eating lunch together somewhere. I've read sexually explicit text messages. These all being different women. It's been at least 3 years since anything like that's happened, and I thought we'd moved past it. His call log was only showing a week's worth of calls which I why that's all I know about. I agree that not all woman/man relationships are sexual. He has female friends that I know about and have no problem with. It's the fact that this seems to be a secret. When I used to be the one he called during breaks, now he's calling someone else. And it's throughout the day, sometimes several times a day. I'm absolutely hoping that it's something like you mentioned. I don't want to be naive, and I don't want to throw a relationship away unless I absolutely have to. Thank you for the time you took in responding.0 -
It seems like your guy is hiding this relationship from you, platonic or otherwise. Not good that he is spending so much time talking/texting with someone you are not aware of.
Go with your gut feeling. Keep your pride intact. Be a responsible role model for your child.
In your heart you know the answer. Just having to ask the question speaks volumes.
Best of luck to you.0 -
Thank you, I am trying to be careful in handling this considering we have a life together. On one occasion, for example I found a condom in his pocket. Another example is that he was going to a woman's house on the weekends until 3 and 4 in the morning, all the while lying about where he was. Multiple people have seen him with different woman at places like the club, or eating lunch together somewhere. I've read sexually explicit text messages. These all being different women. It's been at least 3 years since anything like that's happened, and I thought we'd moved past it. His call log was only showing a week's worth of calls which I why that's all I know about. I agree that not all woman/man relationships are sexual. He has female friends that I know about and have no problem with. It's the fact that this seems to be a secret. When I used to be the one he called during breaks, now he's calling someone else. And it's throughout the day, sometimes several times a day. I'm absolutely hoping that it's something like you mentioned. I don't want to be naive, and I don't want to throw a relationship away unless I absolutely have to. Thank you for the time you took in responding.
After reading your first post I thought it was probably platonic. But after reading THIS ^ post I feel he's being deceptive. As you said it's being done secretly, and he used to call you during breaks and now he's calling another woman. I have my own marital issues I'm dealing with (as previously posted), so I may not be the right person to even give an opinion, but from what you wrote it seems very shady and I would definitely confront this issue head on and if he's not ready to commit and be monogamous he HAS to let you know it's not fair to you or your child. I'd hate to think of your future, with a second child, and/or being stuck in a situation where you feel trapped.... I feel bad for the situation you're in. :flowerforyou:0 -
I can't say whether or not he's cheating, but at this point - does it matter? As someone who let a whole lot of "discrepancies" slide with the same man - I urge you to stop investing yourself in a relationship that is not yielding positive return. He will finally do the one thing that will be too much. You will have wasted your life with him, and you will have no self-esteem left at that point. You'll stay and get cheated on left and right. He's just building your tolerance up for it now.0
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I'm gonna set aside the question of the actual cheating for a minute. In talking to this other woman, and seemingly keeping it a secret, he's treating you like you don't matter. He's intentionally doing something he knows he shouldn't be doing, and something that he knows hurts you. He's doing it on purpose, even if she is the one calling him half the time, he's still allowing it. He may not have gone through with the actual cheating part yet, but given the chance to cheat, I bet his willpower won't stand the test.
Now, Let's say he has went over the line already. You have a right to know. He has no right to keep you in a relationship where he treats you like you don't deserve a faithful partner. If he has cheated, I'm sure he will say it was an accident. People don't cheat on accident, they have to look for the opportunity. It's not like he fell, and his p*nis landed in her v*gina. It's an intentional act, one in which he disregards your feelings and your trust. I'm assuming you don't know who this woman is, so you definitely need to know if he's messing around. He could end up bringing home a disease that you can never get rid of.
I think that by the fact that you don't quite trust him is telling. There's a reason you don't trust him. Don't disregard your instincts, they're right most of the time. If he's cheating, by staying, you're just proving that it's okay for this to continue. And him saying that he wants another child is could be a ploy used to throw your focus off the other issues, and make you think he's invested in the relationship. Heck he may be sincere, and not straying, but he's acting awefully suspicious. Also, would you want your child learning this behavior from him? Would you want a son to treat women this way? Would you want a daughter to think that this is the norm?
It's time to make a judgement call. I would flat out ask him if he's cheating. If he is, he'll get all huffy, and won't look you in the eye. And if he does look you in the eye, he won't be able to say a simple: "No." A liar will tack another statement onto it.
You deserve the best. Never settle for anything else.0 -
hi at least it sounds like he is only talking, if he was going out all the time then I think you would have case to worry, maybe he is afraid to tell you about her thinking that you will get mad. I would just keep an eye on things and when the time is right ask him about her0
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sounds like he's cheating ! or if he hasn't it sure is on his mind...0
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Here's how you find out if he's cheating: Ask him. If you don't believe him, ask his friends or any guy you know he hangs around with the majority of the time.
I didn't even read your post, but here's why: I was a member at a large long distance advice/support forum for roughly a year and many of the women when they thought there was infidelity would consult other members. 9 times out of 10 everyone was ready to crucify the man simply because of the thought. A lot of relationships ended from bad advice or from the members consulting other members instead of doing what was constantly being preached--communication.
Basically, if it's enough to bother you and you are finding evidence, concrete or not, that there might be another then you talk to them. It's a hell of a lot better than biding your time and having it drive you nuts because by then you will have lost all trust for him regardless and if you can't trust him, you don't need to be with him.0 -
IMO, I don't think he's cheating yet. But, it seems like he's dipping his toes in and toying around with the idea of cheating. Perhaps he's talking more and more with her to see what he can get away with. If it goes on for long I'm sure he'll be emotionally invested. I would just talk to him, lay it all out on the table and tell him you expect honest and straight forward answers.0
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I agree with lulu9663. Especially after all the "discrepancies" youve listed. He most likely cheats on you with random ladies but wants to be with you at the end of the day. I know alot of guys like this and it sucks but according to them, thats life.
You need to take the time to think about yourself and your child. Can you stay with him knowing that he at the bare minimum talks to other women and completely disregards your feelings or opinion in the matter. Some women can look the other way as long as it is discreet but you dont sound like them. If it hurts you now, think of how you will feel if you buy a home, have more children, invest more time/years and you find him fooling around again. Youd have wasted so much of your life. You both need to lay it all out, what you expect from eachother and what you will not tolerate. If you realize he cant be that person, its time to take a break. You have a child together so you will always have a part of eachothers lives and someday things could change and you may end up perfect for eachother. Dont settle if youre sad and unhappy. Dont wait for him to commit the "last straw." That makes things irreparable. Look inward. Not being able to trust him and seeing that he is talking to someone else is no way to live and/or be treated. Im so sorry you are going through this. It is one of the worst feelings in the world, like the ground fell out from under you. No matter what you decide, you will get through this. Good luck!0 -
i say if you can't talk with him without him getting upset, there are problems deeper than the texts messages. not saying you can't, but at anytime, you all should be able to confront each other, and if there's nothing to hide, all should be well.0
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