Question for the ladies
Replies
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Ladies, I very much appreciate your candid responses. Going to find a way to use this good advice to adjust my methods a little and work my way deeper into building up her self esteem. She's so worth it. Ashlie makes me feel like I can conquer the world, so surely the least that I can do is make sure she looks at herself through my eyes.
Thanks again!0 -
I have struggled with insecurity about my body off and on my whole life, so I'm speaking from my own personal experience.
Our society is saturated with images of beauty that are impossible for the average woman to attain (hello, photoshop!) There is great profit to be made from women's insecurities...we are bombarded with ads telling us how to have a flatter tummy, thinner thighs, perkier breasts, whiter smiles, thicker hair, longer eyelashes, clearer skin...it's never ending. You have to help her to counteract all these messages she receives that she's not pretty enough, not thin enough, not toned enough, breasts are not perky enough, etc.
One way that you can do this is by not gawking at other women. Don't point out a pretty woman to her. Don't comment on other women. Don't ever ever point out her "flaws", even if you think it would be helpful. (My ex did all these things.) She will see what catches your gaze, she will notice what you find attractive, and if she feels like she doesn't measure up to your standard of beauty, then she won't believe what you say with your mouth. She will compare herself and find herself lacking.
If she does catch you gazing, say something like "Oh, I was just thinking that there is no way a normal woman could really look like that. I prefer a real woman to a photoshopped woman." Or "I was just thinking that shirt would look better on you."
Anything that lets her know that SHE is what you prefer.
Anytime you catch her berating herself or comparing herself to someone else, put a stop to it. Tell her that you care about her, and you don't want to hear anyone speaking about her that way...even her.
But keep in mind that all women are different. ASK HER how she feels. Ask her what you can do to help her. Just listen to what she says.0 -
I'm pretty good about telling her - maybe too good. Love to just walk up behind her while she is cooking dinner and wrap my arms around her and whisper what I am thinking. Generally, the reply is a slight smile and a reminder that I am getting in the way of what she is working on. And, I love to walk into the bathroom while she is showering, throw back the curtain, look her up and down, comment inappropriately
, ask to be late to work, look appropriately pouty when refused, and then head off to work.
I'm pretty sure she knows what I think about her....but I want her to KNOW that is how she is.
After four kids (one set of twins) and 15 years of marriage, I think she is hotter than when we started dating. Just need her to see herself that way too.
She sounds like a very lucky woman.
I wish I had better advice, but all I can say is that I think you're doing exactly what you should be doing. The rest of it has to come from her.
I will say that one thing that makes a lot of women feel less desirable is constantly being in the role of "mom." While it may be a role they love, it's hard to feel like someone's hot, sexy wife when you're so busy taking care of 4 kids. You might try giving her a break from the kids, sending her to get her hair/nails done, taking her out for a nice, adults-only dinner ... anything that lets her just be a beautiful woman.0 -
I have struggled with insecurity about my body off and on my whole life, so I'm speaking from my own personal experience.
Our society is saturated with images of beauty that are impossible for the average woman to attain (hello, photoshop!) There is great profit to be made from women's insecurities...we are bombarded with ads telling us how to have a flatter tummy, thinner thighs, perkier breasts, whiter smiles, thicker hair, longer eyelashes, clearer skin...it's never ending. You have to help her to counteract all these messages she receives that she's not pretty enough, not thin enough, not toned enough, breasts are not perky enough, etc.
One way that you can do this is by not gawking at other women. Don't point out a pretty woman to her. Don't comment on other women. Don't ever ever point out her "flaws", even if you think it would be helpful. (My ex did all these things.) She will see what catches your gaze, she will notice what you find attractive, and if she feels like she doesn't measure up to your standard of beauty, then she won't believe what you say with your mouth. She will compare herself and find herself lacking.
If she does catch you gazing, say something like "Oh, I was just thinking that there is no way a normal woman could really look like that. I prefer a real woman to a photoshopped woman." Or "I was just thinking that shirt would look better on you." Anything that lets her know that SHE is what you prefer.
Anytime you catch her berating herself or comparing herself to someone else, put a stop to it. Tell her that you care about her, and you don't want to hear anyone speaking about her that way...even her.
But keep in mind that all women are different. ASK HER how she feels. Ask her what you can do to help her. Just listen to what she says.
Good point. A woman believes a man's actions far more than his words. The two had better be focused on the same message.0 -
I'm pretty good about telling her - maybe too good. Love to just walk up behind her while she is cooking dinner and wrap my arms around her and whisper what I am thinking. Generally, the reply is a slight smile and a reminder that I am getting in the way of what she is working on. And, I love to walk into the bathroom while she is showering, throw back the curtain, look her up and down, comment inappropriately , ask to be late to work, look appropriately pouty when refused, and then head off to work.
I'm pretty sure she knows what I think about her....but I want her to KNOW that is how she is.
After four kids (one set of twins) and 15 years of marriage, I think she is hotter than when we started dating. Just need her to see herself that way too.
She sounds like a very lucky woman.
I wish I had better advice, but all I can say is that I think you're doing exactly what you should be doing. The rest of it has to come from her.
I will say that one thing that makes a lot of women feel less desirable is constantly being in the role of "mom." While it may be a role they love, it's hard to feel like someone's hot, sexy wife when you're so busy taking care of 4 kids. You might try giving her a break from the kids, sending her to get her hair/nails done, taking her out for a nice, adults-only dinner ... anything that lets her just be a beautiful woman.
Was thinking about that same thing recently, and have just convinced her to go spend a weekend in Big D with her best friend. The kids and I won't starve in three short days. We might smell a little funky, but we won't starve. A grown man ought to be able to take care of his kids on his own every once in a while. It really chaps my hide when I hear guys complain because they get left with the kids for an evening or a few hours. Dude! They are your kids! They don't bite...much. You helped make them, so help raise them. 0 -
I would just say do the things you don't typically do. Let another poster said catch her off guard. Ask her out to lunch when she is not expecting it. Compliment her. Call her to tell her you are thinking of her. If she laughs at something tell her you really love her smile! Just be a good husband. A big heart felt squeeze and hug are always good. Good Luck0
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Sorry to disagree with other poster, but I'd say dont let one day pass without telling her that she is beautiful in one way or another. Pet names are nice too. I never tire of being greeted with "Hi beautiful".
this^^
my fiance has been calling me "beautiful" for 6 years, it is his pet name for me. And at least once a day he'll say "have I told you how beautiful you look today" and even if he has I say "no" then he says "what a crappy boyfriend I am... You look absolutely beautiful today" 0 -
My boyfriend will hold my face in his hands and look into my eyes and tell me what he is thinking. He doesn't just tell me he is proud, he proves it by holding my hand in public, opening doors etc.... We've been together 10 years and he still acts like every date is the first one.
He does little things to let me know he is thinking of me. Like I was on my way home the other night and when I got there he had a bubble bath waiting for me with candles lit. It was just for me. He left to go watch t.v. and give me destress time.
He compliments the way I look...all of those things.
The deal is, you can only do what you can do. As long as you are sincere it will mean the world to her. You can't erase the negative image she has of herself (if she does). That is something she will have to work on herself and will take time. Love her and be there for her and it'll work!0 -
My beloved tells me every day. I think he's a bit brain damaged, but he really does think I'm beautiful. 12 years together hasn't changed it.0
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I'm pretty good about telling her - maybe too good. Love to just walk up behind her while she is cooking dinner and wrap my arms around her and whisper what I am thinking. Generally, the reply is a slight smile and a reminder that I am getting in the way of what she is working on. And, I love to walk into the bathroom while she is showering, throw back the curtain, look her up and down, comment inappropriately , ask to be late to work, look appropriately pouty when refused, and then head off to work.
I'm pretty sure she knows what I think about her....but I want her to KNOW that is how she is.
After four kids (one set of twins) and 15 years of marriage, I think she is hotter than when we started dating. Just need her to see herself that way too.
She is quite the lucky lady! I agree with the lady that said show her the post. Especially this comment. Feeling more in love with someone after 15 years and 4 kids, thats a huge deal! It gives us single ladies hope that good men are out there! I am sure you are doing a great job making her feel beautiful. But yes, it has to come from within her for her to know. I think you should sit down with her one night and ask her what she thinks being beautiful means. Then you come at her with what you think beautiful is, and show her a picture of her
You're a great guy! Keep up the good work, I'm sure she appreciates everything you do for her ) 0 -
One thing that my guy does that makes me feel on top of the world is when he acts just a *wee* bit jealous. For instance, we will be at a bar, and he keeps his arm on the back of my chair, and when I ask him why he is all clingy, he tells me it’s because he wants every guy in the place to know that I am with HIM. Or if I am gone to long, he comes and looks for me to make sure no one is trying to “steal me” from him.
It makes me feel so good about myself that he is worried that every other guy in the place (where ever we are) is checking me out.0 -
when she does something like, oh, putting clothes in the dryer, grab her forcefully, throw her over the dryer, tear free whatever she's got on and have your way with her. afterwards, when she is looking at you with a bit of surprise on her face, say "sorry - i took one look at you and couldn't help myself."
that usually makes me feel pretty awesome about myself.
Damn, this just made me feel..................well....................it made me feel something 0 -
I'm pretty good about telling her - maybe too good. Love to just walk up behind her while she is cooking dinner and wrap my arms around her and whisper what I am thinking. Generally, the reply is a slight smile and a reminder that I am getting in the way of what she is working on. And, I love to walk into the bathroom while she is showering, throw back the curtain, look her up and down, comment inappropriately , ask to be late to work, look appropriately pouty when refused, and then head off to work.
I'm pretty sure she knows what I think about her....but I want her to KNOW that is how she is.
After four kids (one set of twins) and 15 years of marriage, I think she is hotter than when we started dating. Just need her to see herself that way too.
That's awesome!!! You sound like you're doing a great job.... 0 -
My husband gets me everytime when he says that he is so lucky to have me and that if he had to do it all over again he wouldn't change a thing!!! I don't like sappy comments, so when he is genuine is when I truly feel appreciated!!
I would say the main thing is to appreciate her and everything she does for you and to RESPECT her!!0 -
My husband occationally sends me a txt message out of no where saying I am so lucky to be married to you. I am so in love with you. It makes my heart race still. He definately makes me feel beautiful.0
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Give her details. What is it that you find beautiful about her?
Just telling her is so general and seems less sincere. Details means you really have been paying attention.0 -
Make love to her with your eyes, and then when you make love to her physically do it in a way that you've never done it before. When she asks what "that" was about, tell her that she makes you feel that way.
It's not about the words. Yes, tell her, but don't tell her everyday. It really does get old. But touching her differently or kissing her differently never gets old.0 -
I personally have very very low self-esteem and my boyfriend is always telling me I am beautiful, sexy, hot, etc and I still don't believe him.
I know that HE thinks those things, but I don't believe those things about myself.
I certainly appreciate being told or having little things done to show it, but until I start to feel better about myself, I won't feel these things for myself.
I think this is right on. Until she feels the way you think she is I don't know if anything will boost her up. Just my opinion though. The above describes me to a T and even thought my hubby will take me clothes shopping and pick stuff out for me to try on saying "put this on and look sexy" He may see it that way but as for me I see a fat girl in clothes that don't fit. I say just keep what your doin and eventually she will get (I'm hoping for this...lol)0 -
Sorry to disagree with other poster, but I'd say dont let one day pass without telling her that she is beautiful in one way or another. Pet names are nice too. I never tire of being greeted with "Hi beautiful".
I agree! My husband tells me I am beautiful every day...and I soak it up Love it!!!!!!!!!!!!! 0 -
The truth of the matter is that if she doesn't have self-esteem and doesn't find herself to be beautiful no matter what you say or do she is never gonna believe you...
Talk from experience...0 -
Don't tell her over and over... if you are too repetitive she will not believe you are serious. Stare at her. Seriously (not psycho like ). When I catch my husband looking at me, just looking and smiling, I feel more beautiful than any other time
I have to agree...don't tell her over and over because then the specialness of it wears off. Another thing...don't tell her she's hot...to me thats not something that makes a girl feel great. Tell her she's gorgeous or beautiful.
Make sure you also say it even if she is just in sweats and not just when she's dressed up...:happy:0 -
Sorry to disagree with other poster, but I'd say dont let one day pass without telling her that she is beautiful in one way or another. Pet names are nice too. I never tire of being greeted with "Hi beautiful".
I am the same way my bf tells me i'm cute and stuff and i get like yeah right! I have to say when i get a text or card saying something like.." hey sexy, beautiful ect i smile like all day. 0 -
I'm pretty good about telling her - maybe too good. Love to just walk up behind her while she is cooking dinner and wrap my arms around her and whisper what I am thinking. Generally, the reply is a slight smile and a reminder that I am getting in the way of what she is working on. And, I love to walk into the bathroom while she is showering, throw back the curtain, look her up and down, comment inappropriately , ask to be late to work, look appropriately pouty when refused, and then head off to work.
I'm pretty sure she knows what I think about her....but I want her to KNOW that is how she is.
After four kids (one set of twins) and 15 years of marriage, I think she is hotter than when we started dating. Just need her to see herself that way too.
Your doing everything you can..my husband is the same way as you..but I do not have high self esteem..it is gradually coming out of me, but it has taken a long time. The thing my husband started about 5-6 years ago, at Christmas, he writes me a poem, or a letter, and in it he expresses everything that I mean to him and our kids, and how he sees me exactly, and being able to read those and re-read those, have truly helped me come out of my shell..it won't happen overnight, but it sounds like your an amazing husband..so keep doing what your doing..also we go on "date nights" for sure, once a month..NO KIDS..just us..make time for yourselves..0 -
What an AMAZING fella. I think u could tell her u posted this as you want her to know how beautiful she is. Lots of other good suggestions already. You already sound like your doing just great to me. Congrats on being an ace fella!0
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Do not ask other women, ask the one you live with. "Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised."0
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Do not ask other women, ask the one you live with. "Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised."
She's worth praising. 0 -
Keep doing what you're doing! My hubby does that hugging while I'm cooking thing and i'll lightly push him away. While I am a little concerned about burning dinner, I love when he does that. i also love when i look very casual in my lounging clothes and out of the blue, he's telling me how good I look:noway: i'm wondering what's he looking at, but at the same time I love it and i love him for it. You sound like a good man and she's a lucky woman!0
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Self-esteem is built-up over a lifetime. I think all you can do is make her feel beautiful by treating her with respect and loving her. Tell her she's beautiful but I think its more than that. When there is a roomful of women, have eyes for only her. The little things like holding her hand, sharing smiles with her when you are with other people, making special plans to do something romantic for when you guys have alone time, can go a long way in making someone feel loved and desired. Especially since you have kids... I know personally how kids can suck the romance and spontaneity right out of a relationship sometimes. 0
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It depends on the kind of person she is. Some of the commenters want to hear how beautiful they are all the time-- me, not so much. I would rather catch him staring, or have him choose to stay on the sofa with me when he could (and would usually) be doing something else. It's not that being told I'm beautiful is bad, but it can get old, and talk is cheap. Demonstrate. I probably feel sexiest when he engages in a (friendly) debate or philosophical conversation with me and I can see that he thinks my intellect is hot. But that's what I respond to-- others are different.0
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When she is dressed up ready to go out or whatever...be the first one to tell her she looks (insert descriptive word here) (beautiful, hott, radiant whatever)!!0
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