A very expensive lesson...

That is the first thing I want to say. The second thing is this: I hate it when people say "Suicide is so selfish" to someone who is grieving, or to anyone at all. I think it is awful to think about what a terrible place a person must be in, how lost and hopeless and completely helpless a place they must be in, to commit suicide. People don't commit suicide to get back at those close to them, or to try to run away. They do it because they're drowning and lost. Calling it selfish shows a complete and utter lack of compassion and empathy.

So true. Being in a state of depression is no joke & it shouldn't be taken lightly as if that person is being selfish, we aren't psychologist or psychiatrist to conclude anything about a person's behavior. I'm also undergoing depression right now & I know it is very hard especially that my religious parents also doesn't help a lot. They think that being more spiritual is the answer but no. Which is why I understand how it is to undergo such things, believe me its not easy.

I want to tell you about a lesson i learned the hard way.

This is a story about John. We were so in love. He loved me regardless of my size, told me I was beautiful in anything, and that he thought make-up was silly. Absolutely the best relationship I've ever been in. John had dealt with depression in the past, but so had I, and we were happy together. He had some things going on in his life that were downers, but we had each other and I'm a "fixer." I pushed him to get off the video games and make it to class, ask for his promotion, pursue hobbies he enjoyed... We weren't married, but lived together, sometimes we had stress, but over things like dishes not getting done, or being out of clean laundry, but what 22 year old doesn't have those occasionally.

And then John got sick. He spent three months in and out of hospitals and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong. He lost 30lbs in those three months. He finally got better, but lost his motivation to do things. I tried/asked/begged him for months after he started feeling better to take care of things. Things in my mind that were easy, required a few phone calls or a trip to the courthouse. (Like getting his car registered, figuring out why his license was suspended...) I don't want to be too long-winded, but ultimately he was in a place where he was unmotivated and I guess a little angry. In an argument over Christmas photos with his family, he broke up with me. I didn't want to be in the pictures because I felt fat next to him and his family... I didn't recognize his lack of motivation or lashing out as depression, it's not how I experienced it.

After about a week he came to me and apologized (he was still living at my moms house as he didn't want to live with his family, and I would never kick him out.) He asked to get back together and I told him no, we needed to work on being independent before we could be happy together.

Three weeks later he was dead. He hung himself in the oak tree in my backyard. I found his note, and then found him. CPR didn't work.

I know it wasn't my fault, but I know that my self-consciousness was a key factor in the degeneration of our relationship. People tell me if we had stayed together it may have happened down the road, but I will never know. Two and a half months ago, I lost the love of my life to suicide. I still can't really believe it.

So just be happy with yourself right now. Where you are, in the skin you wear. I am trying to get healthy now, in order to be better at being happy in my own skin. Love the people who love you. Forgive them when they aren't loving. (As long as it's not a habit that is hurting you or yours.) People deserve lots of chances.

*** PLEASE I know all the bad things, I am having a bad day and wanted to share/vent. Please don't be rude, I get that what he did was selfish, that I was selfish. I get it.