"never good enough"
mes1119
Posts: 1,082 Member
I was just wondering if I'm the only person in the MFP community that never feels good enough. Yes, I know I have some mental issues and most of it stem from my parents and my upbringing. It would just be nice to know that I'm not the only one...
When I was growing up, as a bright student and competitive swimmer, it was always "you should lose 10 pounds and you'd be faster" or "you should have don't better on that test". I developed an eating disorder because of this and lost 30 pounds in 2 months off of my already tiny athletic body frame. My parents gave me this idea that no matter what, I could have always done better. Still, after 8 years, I still struggle with these ideas.
I still feel like I'm too fat, or not smart enough, or don't work hard enough or too lazy. I wan't, more than anything, to be this person that everyone thinks I can be, but I honestly feel like I can't. I can't seem to pass the last semester of college, or lose the last 15 pounds. No matter what, I will always fail.
Anyways, I would appreciate no hating considering I do this enough to myself. i actually am a Psychology Major so I know quite a bit about therapy and have a very negative view on it due to bad experiences with both therapists and the medication they push on you. I would just kind of like some support, suggestions, friend requests from those that understand what I'm going through and how they have dealt with it :ohwell:
When I was growing up, as a bright student and competitive swimmer, it was always "you should lose 10 pounds and you'd be faster" or "you should have don't better on that test". I developed an eating disorder because of this and lost 30 pounds in 2 months off of my already tiny athletic body frame. My parents gave me this idea that no matter what, I could have always done better. Still, after 8 years, I still struggle with these ideas.
I still feel like I'm too fat, or not smart enough, or don't work hard enough or too lazy. I wan't, more than anything, to be this person that everyone thinks I can be, but I honestly feel like I can't. I can't seem to pass the last semester of college, or lose the last 15 pounds. No matter what, I will always fail.
Anyways, I would appreciate no hating considering I do this enough to myself. i actually am a Psychology Major so I know quite a bit about therapy and have a very negative view on it due to bad experiences with both therapists and the medication they push on you. I would just kind of like some support, suggestions, friend requests from those that understand what I'm going through and how they have dealt with it :ohwell:
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bump :sad: I'd really like some replies/help0
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Hi mes119, Everyone has problems out there and some of us have had a very bad childhood that we would like to blame. As children we can blame our parent or friends or family or society who ever. But as an adult I have come to terms, it took me 32 years to confront the person who abused me as a child, when I did I was able to take control of what happens to me. No one can make you feel bad unless you allow them to. It is a very difficult thing to do, but until you do they will have continue control.
Take your life by the horns and steer it to where you want to go. I get up every morning and say at it is going to be a good day. I smile even if someone is complaining or angry at me, this way I have control.
Good luck to you and please know that there are lots of people out there just like you and me. Take each day as it comes and try to control the thing you can control and leave the other things behind.0 -
I've been there, when I was younger (I am not sure how old you are), but I am 33 I can tell you, it gets better and at some point you turn around and say "screw it" and stop comparing yourself, negative talk, etc. Granted, I still do it at times but Ive noticed for myself that as you get older, "good enough" is just a frame of mind - eventually you become your own person and do your own. Feel free to add me if you want0
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I understand where you are coming from. We all have our insecurities and they can be difficult to overcome. At some point you will need to realize that the person you need to please is yourself not everyone else. If you treat others as you would like to be treated, celebrate your accomplishments and remind yourself that you are a good person who can accomplish anything you put your mind to. It sucks your parents made you feel that way but it's time to take control of your life and do what makes you happy not what will please others. Sometimes you will need help reaching this point and that is where counseling can help. Good luck to you it gets better :flowerforyou:0
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Thanks for the replies, stress from school and dealing with the stress is making me feel like I'm just not good at life. I wish so bad that I didn't have these feelings. It seems like everyone else is happy with themselves and I can't help but be jealous and wonder where they get this motivation and self confidence....0
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You're not alone. I wear contacts and hate wearing my glasses. They're like a self-esteem off switch. I also feel the same way about other people, especially at work. They're there at the crack of dawn and busy as bees. I wonder whether they're happy and I'm missing out on something, or if ignorance is bliss and they're just blissfully complacent.0
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Thanks for the replies, stress from school and dealing with the stress is making me feel like I'm just not good at life. I wish so bad that I didn't have these feelings. It seems like everyone else is happy with themselves and I can't help but be jealous and wonder where they get this motivation and self confidence....
What is your relationship like with your parents now? Have you sat down with them and told them how they made you feel growing up?0 -
Mes1119, my dad is much the same way; nothing is ever good enough for him. It's taken me awhile, but I'm finally to the point where I don't look to him for approval. I know that really, he's always going to find fault, so what's the point? It's about being happy with yourself and not looking to others for validation. Which, I know, is much easier than it sounds. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it's not an easy place to be.0
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I feel ya0
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I'm in the same boat sweetheart, so I don't have any advice for you, but I can tell you that you definitely aren't alone.0
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Thanks for the replies, stress from school and dealing with the stress is making me feel like I'm just not good at life. I wish so bad that I didn't have these feelings. It seems like everyone else is happy with themselves and I can't help but be jealous and wonder where they get this motivation and self confidence....
What is your relationship like with your parents now? Have you sat down with them and told them how they made you feel growing up?
I've sat down with them countless times, in therapy and in personal situations. Every time they act like I'm making it up. Like it never happened and that they are just supporting me or trying to get me to see my potential. I live with my boyfriend now but they still live only 5 minutes away and their opinion still matters. I wish it didn't but I can't seem to get out of my head that I'm never good enough. I don't necessarily think about pleasing them but considering I never could please my parents (who birthed me) when I was younger, how can I ever please anyone out of my family??0 -
Sounds like my family. They never hesitate to tell me I'm too fat. They complain when I wear my SOs sweaters as they make me look fat. If I wear my clothes they tell me I look fat. My BMI is 22 so it's not even like I'm that fat. I also have a physical disability so it's not even like I can exercise much. You definitely aren't alone.0
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Thanks for the replies, stress from school and dealing with the stress is making me feel like I'm just not good at life. I wish so bad that I didn't have these feelings. It seems like everyone else is happy with themselves and I can't help but be jealous and wonder where they get this motivation and self confidence....
I know what you're talking about, I got the same thing growing up. not a if you just tried a little harder but I got you'll never succeed no mater how hard you try. even with all of the things I have accomplished I still feel like some big failure is right around the corner. I'm still pushing along despite the feeling that I will never succeed. My friends on here help a lot but some days I can't shake the feeling that no matter how good I do I'm going to fail0 -
I'm sure this will be much easier said than done, but think about it in the larger sense - you could spend your whole life beating yourself up about not being good enough, or you could just say 'its my life and ill do with it what i like'.
So what you're not the best swimmer in the world? I'm sure you're still better than a lot of people. And until the day you get some sort of world champion of swimming medal, you can probably always try harder and be better at it. If your parents can't accept that, then that's their problem, not yours. I had a boss like that once - whatever you did was never good enough. He never said 'good job' or 'well done'. It used to get me down but then one day I just thought you know what? I do a good job, I'm not perfect at it but if you're looking for perfect then look somewhere else.
Being the best isn't always the most important thing. You can die being the best at something but at the end of the day, that doesn't mean you'll die happy.0 -
Thanks for the replies, stress from school and dealing with the stress is making me feel like I'm just not good at life. I wish so bad that I didn't have these feelings. It seems like everyone else is happy with themselves and I can't help but be jealous and wonder where they get this motivation and self confidence....
Show me a person perfectly content with their lives and I'll show you someone with nothing to do and no where to go.
Your parents aren't trying to make you good. They know you're great and they're trying to help you take it as far as you want to go.
You aren't in competition with anyone but yourself.
(Hold on. I have more. Let me go get another Reader's Digest.) :bigsmile:
But, seriously, you will figure out what is important, what needs more work, what just needs to be maintained, and what can simply be let go. The ability to prioritize can make all the difference in work, health, relationships, family survival and life in general.
Deep breaths and stay hydrated!
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I find it is often the standards that I have set for myself are what make me feel as though I'm not good enough. I constantly compare myself to those who I would like to be like (intellectually, physically, spiritually...) and always find myself to be lacking. I can definitely empathize.0
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First of all I'm so sorry that you have to undergo through all of these pressures. That is the downside of being a top student. I remember during my graduation in grade school, our of our batch mates was consistently the number one & eventually ended up Valedictorian. However rumors has it that her parents keep on pushing her to be better than she already was & I was like "Huh? My parents & I would be more than happy if I could just to have at least 1/8 of her intelligence & there her parents was, still not appreciate their daughter's achievements".
In my case, I got to admit that despite everything that I have done, my self-esteem is still very low. This is because since I was a kid, I was always discriminated in school for being different & constantly being called ugly, ignorant, clumsy, etc. that affected my self-esteem & sense of worth. My family wasn't helpful either especially when I started to gain weight at 16. They would always compare me to my skinny sister saying things like "You may have prettier face but you sister looks overall beautiful. You will look better if only you were like her" or "You would look better if you lose weight, look at Xxxx, she looks like a model". I know they didn't mean to hurt me or my self-esteem but they already did. To be honest despite losing 22 kilos & 10 inches on my waistline & now wearing smaller clothes than my skinny sister, I still feel threatened whenever I see her (honestly that ruined our relationship & despite living under one roof, we haven't spoken for more than 10 years) & that I will never be beautiful & no matter what happens, I will still end up a loser.0 -
You never know. Other people probably think "She has it all together, I wish i was like her" Actually, thats the way it is most of the time. If we could only see ourselves through others eyes....0
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You never know. Other people probably think "She has it all together, I wish i was like her" Actually, thats the way it is most of the time. If we could only see ourselves through others eyes....
While I incredibly appreciate those that have commented on this thread and while my opinion of myself has not changed... this has probably more fact than everything else. people outside those that know me think I'm laid back, intelligent, in shape etc. but those close to me know what it really is like.
Thank you for this comment. I want so much to have this mentality all the time. I wish I could think of (and actually believe) this when I'm stressed and depressed like right now.0 -
You are fine.
After a rough patch in early adulthood, one of the best things my Dad ever said to me was. "You are fine"
so....
You are fine.0 -
Oh, honey, do I know how it is to feel like your best effort is not good enough, even though you have great grades, certificates, accolades. You still feel like a fraud, and you are always trying harder, but the one person you can't convince is yourself. I, too, sought therapy, but the therapist was a jerk, and I left feeling like I had wasted his time. Years later, a friend was court ordered to go to ACOA, and she asked me to go with. I did, because with my background, I thought it might be good. Well, she quit, I stayed, and it was a revelation. I worked a 12 step program for over a year, and I found my people there. I learned to forgive everyone, especially myself. I learned that I WAS good enough, and I learned to stop judging myself harshly, and to be my own loving parent (i.e. giving myself affirmations).So, maybe those aren't your issues, but whatever they are, keep searching. Someday, your path will be revealed to you. You will get an opportunity to work it out. Might take a while, might not be easy, but it will be SO worth it. Meanwhile, decide what would be good for you, and your health, and provide it. If you need rest, get it. Take care of yourself first for once. Lose weight for you, because you want to, not to satisfy your critics. (Tell them to stuff it). Every time you do something good, notice, and tell yourself. Make a list each night of all the great things you noticed about yourself that day. Pull the lists out when you need a boost. Sounds corny, but it will help. Let your self talk be all positive. Even when you notice something that needs to be changed, put it in positive, gentle terms. If you are to be a force for good in this world, you need to love yourself, and believe in yourself. Start that journey right now. You deserve respect and love. No one will give it to you if you don't give it to yourself.:flowerforyou: :bigsmile: :happy:0
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You never know. Other people probably think "She has it all together, I wish i was like her" Actually, thats the way it is most of the time. If we could only see ourselves through others eyes....
While I incredibly appreciate those that have commented on this thread and while my opinion of myself has not changed... this has probably more fact than everything else. people outside those that know me think I'm laid back, intelligent, in shape etc. but those close to me know what it really is like.
Thank you for this comment. I want so much to have this mentality all the time. I wish I could think of (and actually believe) this when I'm stressed and depressed like right now.
Maybe you can start by writing that phrase in some pieces of paper & then keep it in your wallet, drawer, book or just about anywhere wherein you can have an easy access to it so to have a reminder whenever you feel down. (I hope you understand what I'm saying. Sorry my English is very poor)0 -
Alot of times your family are the worst cheerleaders EVER!!! No matter what you do, they seem to know exactly how to dissect ur accomplishments or your goals and tell u it's not enough. If you work, you dont work hard enough. If you have a boyfriend, he isnt good enough. If you graduate w a bachelor's, you should've already had your master's....at some point, you will be fed up and realize that life isn't about how others ant you to live it, but what u gain from living your own life.0
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Yeah, I am also really hard on myself. It always seems that I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, or good enough at a lot of things or that I'm too lazy, self centered and blah blah blah. I don't blame it on my Mom though, because she has always been one of my biggest supporters in everything and always told me, "As long as you try your best, that's good for me."
I don't really know where all this has come from - maybe from my stepdad who has always had a dirt low opinion of me - but I never really gave a s*** about pleasing his expectations or anything.
Anyway, I know it's a problem I have to get over, but you're not by yourself, that's for sure.0 -
Alot of times your family are the worst cheerleaders EVER!!! No matter what you do, they seem to know exactly how to dissect ur accomplishments or your goals and tell u it's not enough. If you work, you dont work hard enough. If you have a boyfriend, he isnt good enough. If you graduate w a bachelor's, you should've already had your master's....at some point, you will be fed up and realize that life isn't about how others ant you to live it, but what u gain from living your own life.
THIS 10000%... Although I won't let them dictate who should be my boyfriend. I don't care if he only finished a vocational course, has less money or anything. If they don't like it then sorry to say but I think its time for me to go.0 -
I grew up feeling much the same as you. My parents were constantly hounding me to get better grades & be better at things.
My father came home with sweatpants for me one day & told me that from now on I'd be jogging with him because I was fat. I, by the way, have never been hugely overweight & I was also fourteen or fifteen at that time -- an age when your body is freaking out anyways.
The years I spent hating myself because I wasn't perfect enough for other people were some of the hardest I ever lived through. & now? Now I just don't give a ****. If someone doesn't like my haircut or body shape or grades or whatever else they can possibly think of, too bad for them.
I love me now. Haven't been this happy since I was a little kid. Every goal I set out to achieve is for MY benefit, not for anyone else's. At some point, you hit a wall & you either walk alongside it, trying for the rest of your life to find a way around it or you just knock the whole thing down & love yourself.0 -
I had an epiphany not so long ago in which I realised why i was not happy. I had similar treatment at the hands of my well meaning parents. Well meaning in that with there limited education coming from poor sicilian towns they thought the reverse psychology would act as a motivator. In hindsight it had the exact opposite effect.
They didn;t love me any less but didn;t know how to epxress it. I'm sure your parents love you enormously despite the negative comments. I certainly don;t have the closest relationship with my parents even now but it's important to let them know how you feel. They may not change, but they might.
One thing this thread has incovered is that you are not alone and don't have to be.
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Find something that you like ROCK it! Learn it to death, practise it! Love it, adore it, and do it some more! You will build your confidence, have a great time and will feel great about yourself! You'll meet people you'll never imagine you'd meet, get yourself out there and you'll love it!0
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"""I've sat down with them countless times, in therapy and in personal situations. Every time they act like I'm making it up. Like it never happened and that they are just supporting me or trying to get me to see my potential. I live with my boyfriend now but they still live only 5 minutes away and their opinion still matters. I wish it didn't but I can't seem to get out of my head that I'm never good enough. I don't necessarily think about pleasing them but considering I never could please my parents (who birthed me) when I was younger, how can I ever please anyone out of my family??""""
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If their opinion still matters, then you've made the choice to give them that power. I am 36 years old and just in the past year have started making conscious efforts to put my own husband and children before my mother. I had not realized how much i was doing just to make her happy, and no matter what I did, it wasn't enough either. So i stopped trying, because she was not appreciating the efforts I was making anyway. It was a waste of my time and energy. Sure she cried a lot at first when i set up the new boundaries, but she has adjusted. It took several awkward conversations, but she knows I am not taking any more passive aggressive crap, and it is WORTH it. sometimes our image of what family should be is based more off movies and our dreams than reality. Family is supposed to be unconditional love, and sometimes it doesn't come from those we think ought to give it.0 -
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. So often parents, with the best intentions, try to push their child to become the best they can be. As you can well tell, this can have catastrophic consequences... especially in certain personality types... Achiever models ... Aiming to please.. yet it is never enough. Try to relax.
So often we think our value lies in our accomplishments... To a certain degree, this may be true... However, our greatest value in life is simply being who we are. We are people of value simply because we are who we are... Because we love and are loved... If you can accept it.. You were of so much value that Christ died for you... Now, I don't intend to bring a great debate of religion into this conversation... I don't even know of your personal take on the question of Christianity... But trying to find the good that is in ourselves rather than always focusing on our shortcomings will always yield a far greater achievement that always focusing on what we did not achieve...
It is applaudable that you you are so willing and desiring to achieve... You will go far in life that way. However, as surely you have found out, by always focusing on not being quite good enough you have established a pattern of failure in your perspective despite your monumental achievements... This realization should really help you in the long run in your practice once you begin your work in Psychology.. There are many, who are like you who simply don't feel like they ever measure up... Instead of focusing on your short comings... begin to focus on your achievements... Maybe you did not make a 100 on that biology quiz.. But Hey you were still at the top of your class with that 95... It was outstanding... Looking at your profile pic... You have a great athletic build... Be proud of your achievement... I would that I were in that good of shape... But I refuse to be down on myself because by darned I'm doing something about it... I may still be class II obese... But I am no longer 344 where I started... i weighed in at 291.6 this morning and am still on the road... I have accomplished something.... Yeah, I should not have ever gotten where I was at (at 344) but I did and I can't change yesterday... I can change tomorrow though through hard work, dedication and a firm belief that I am able to achieve....
Perhaps this is all TMI... I implore you, however to look at yourself in the mirror and see what you HAVE accomplished... Maybe the cup is half empty... but you still have half of it left... And you know where the refrigerator is to refill the cup if need be. You ARE a person of value and you can achieve a lot... And if by somebody elses standards you fall a little short.. so be it... Live for yourself and according to the standards that YOU set for yourself.. standards that are attainable and reasonable.0
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