College and Parent Problems

hillary124
hillary124 Posts: 112
edited December 17 in Chit-Chat
Hi everyone. I need a little advice. Im a college freshman, transferring to be closer to home next year. I decided on a university about an hour from home. now i have had a boyfriend for over a year who is a senior in high school, and for whatever reason or another my parents arent overly crazy about him. (I promise, there are no bad reasons why they dont like him. hes always treated me well and is very nice and loving and all that good stuff. they just think i deserve better, which pretty much all parents do). Anyway. He decided on a college today, and because of his money situation, he has to go to the same school im going to, because its the cheapest state school in our state. My mom is FURIOUS. But like, my three best friends also already go to that school and my mom wasnt mad about me being with them, but she is so mad that he is going to be there with me.

What do you suggest I do? I obviously dont want my parents mad at me or hating my boyfriend even more than they do (hes really nice I swear! Theyre just a little overprotective I guess). Maybe should i sit down with my parents and boyfriend and talk it all out and let them know that were not going to college JUST to be together ? Switch schools? Make him switch schools?! Ahhh. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
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Replies

  • EmCarroll1990
    EmCarroll1990 Posts: 2,832 Member
    Live your life. You're in college, so I'm assuming you're at least 18.
  • hillary124
    hillary124 Posts: 112
    Live your life. You're in college, so I'm assuming you're at least 18.

    I wish it was that easy. Im 19, but my parents go under the rule "you live in our house, we pay for your college and food and phone and blah blah blah so we can still control your life." Which i understand....to an extent. Alot of this is mostly just me being so frustrated that they dont like my boyfriend and are that mad that were gonna be together. It hurts my feelings too .
  • EmCarroll1990
    EmCarroll1990 Posts: 2,832 Member
    Live your life. You're in college, so I'm assuming you're at least 18.

    I wish it was that easy. Im 19, but my parents go under the rule "you live in our house, we pay for your college and food and phone and blah blah blah so we can still control your life." Which i understand....to an extent. Alot of this is mostly just me being so frustrated that they dont like my boyfriend and are that mad that were gonna be together. It hurts my feelings too .

    Ahhh... I figured since the school was so far you were out of the house. I didn't agree with my parents rules, so I moved out. But I'm guessing with school and such that's not an available luxury. Just sit 'em down and explain the situation. It's not like they can force either of you to go to a different school.
  • k8lyn_235
    k8lyn_235 Posts: 507 Member
    don't switch schools.. that is just plain silly! i don't know what their deal is.. i'd say you should sit down and talk with them and see exactly why they don't like your bf. also, i would just explain to them that you two aren't going to the same school just to be together. maybe they are afraid you are going to shack up with him while you are there? they should really get over that though, because there are other guys that are going to be in college with you that you could shack up with just as easy! haha ;)

    good luck! sometimes there's nothing you can do. you can't always please everyone.. eventually you will learn to please yourself first! (within reason, obviously.. as long as it's not causing you or anyone else harm)
  • vlaura
    vlaura Posts: 93
    If you keep having good grades, they will probably get over it. That is probably what they are scared of, you sleeping in with the boy instead of going to your early classes. Don't do it and you should be fine. Make a deal with them: I keep my GPA over XX and you give me a break.
  • student94
    student94 Posts: 120 Member
    I would make it abundantly clear that both of you settled on that college completely independently. Also, make sure that they hear that you value your education, and are working towards some type of goal (grades, job, internships, place on a sports team, or whatever it may be for you). Tell them that your boyfriend's presence will in no way negatively impact your work ethic, personal ethics, or success.
  • juicy011
    juicy011 Posts: 200 Member
    It's nice of you to involve your parents in your decision-making, but I don't think this warrants a sit down. Considering they're overprotective & don't like him already, the conversation might turn sour & the relationship might get worse. I'd just shrug it off and say he has to go there for financial reasons and leave it at that. Sorry you're going through this, my parents were the same way :ohwell:
  • hillary124
    hillary124 Posts: 112
    It's nice of you to involve your parents in your decision-making, but I don't think this warrants a sit down. Considering they're overprotective & don't like him already, the conversation might turn sour & the relationship might get worse. I'd just shrug it off and say he has to go there for financial reasons and leave it at that. Sorry you're going through this, my parents were the same way :ohwell:

    Its nice to hear im not the only one in this situation. My boyfriend also doesnt understand my parents point of view (i hardly do!) which makes it difficult to deal with them. I wasnt sure if having them together might be easier to just like explain as one group what our intentions are in college and whatever. Ugh. So difficult.
  • doorki
    doorki Posts: 2,576 Member
    Tell them that you cannot control where he goes to school and give the same reasons you gave here.
  • hillary124
    hillary124 Posts: 112
    I would make it abundantly clear that both of you settled on that college completely independently. Also, make sure that they hear that you value your education, and are working towards some type of goal (grades, job, internships, place on a sports team, or whatever it may be for you). Tell them that your boyfriend's presence will in no way negatively impact your work ethic, personal ethics, or success.

    I try telling them that and they go "do you think were stupid?" "dont you realize we know youre lying to us?"
    And that hurts thinking that they dont trust me, especially when ive never given them a reason not to.
  • hillary124
    hillary124 Posts: 112
    Tell them that you cannot control where he goes to school and give the same reasons you gave here.

    I have. They dont care. They think i shouldve convinced him to go somewhere else.
  • Jade17694
    Jade17694 Posts: 584 Member
    Don't make him switch. This is your life, live it how you wish. Keep the good grades up and don't give your parents anything to moan about. I'm sure you'll both be fine there :)
  • Jade17694
    Jade17694 Posts: 584 Member
    I would make it abundantly clear that both of you settled on that college completely independently. Also, make sure that they hear that you value your education, and are working towards some type of goal (grades, job, internships, place on a sports team, or whatever it may be for you). Tell them that your boyfriend's presence will in no way negatively impact your work ethic, personal ethics, or success.

    I try telling them that and they go "do you think were stupid?" "dont you realize we know youre lying to us?"
    And that hurts thinking that they dont trust me, especially when ive never given them a reason not to.

    In this case don't bother trying to justify yourself. Let them believe what they want. It's them who will feel foolish in the end :)
  • leomom72
    leomom72 Posts: 1,797 Member
    no offense, but seems pretty stupid and petty..they should be glad you are dating a man who has ambitions, and furthuring his education..at least he isnt a bum out selling drugs to survive, or an alcoholic..i dont see why they are so pissed about him going to a college that you are at..if its cheapest, and all he can afford, so what..it happens..let them be mad, they may be able to "control" you, but they cant do anything about him..good luck
  • Chagama
    Chagama Posts: 543 Member
    As a parent, I love when my kids are willing to sit down and discuss something as adults. So, I'd sit down with them, just them and not him too, and ask them why they don't like him and what their fears/concerns are. (If he is there, either they won't be honest or you and him will wind up being defensive). Then discuss all of the points they raise. Don't be dismissive, and don't get defensive. Presumably they have your best interests at hear and aren't trying to make your life difficult just for the sake of it.

    Don't transfer, don't ask him to, and make it clear with your parents that isn't a realistic option, but have an open and honest discussion with them and try to reach and understanding that everyone can live with.
  • kitkatwag
    kitkatwag Posts: 82 Member
    As a parent of a college student...I think that first you need to sit down with just your parents and try to get to the root of what they don't like about your bf. If that can be discovered then I think that some progress could be made toward correcting the thought process.

    However, after reading a few of your other thoughts about the situation. I'm not entirely sure that will help. It would be a start though. I do know that the cost of college just continues to go up and many many many graduates have no choice but to live at home and go locally or rack up thousands of dollars in student loans that they will only regret in the future. I feel for your situation and hope you can find a resolution.

    I do know that just telling them to blow off or giving them that impression as some have suggested wont be very helpful at this venture.
  • juicy011
    juicy011 Posts: 200 Member

    Its nice to hear im not the only one in this situation. My boyfriend also doesnt understand my parents point of view (i hardly do!) which makes it difficult to deal with them. I wasnt sure if having them together might be easier to just like explain as one group what our intentions are in college and whatever. Ugh. So difficult.

    I think he's having a hard time because your parents are overstepping their boundaries. Parents can give their own children advice, but upset with the boyfriend over his choice of school is a bit much, especially when he has a logical reason for doing so (finances). At least you're going to university!!
  • Hernandeak11
    Hernandeak11 Posts: 351 Member
    Wow. And my parents are trying to convince me to go to my boyfriend's school because it's closer to home! Way different ends of the spectrum lol

    I am one to roll my eyes when couples go to the same school to be together--but this is totally NOT the case in your situation, and need to make that clear to your parents. I think all of you coming together to talk civilly (you seem very willing, perhaps not your parents) about this issue. Maybe they will talk to you differently if he's there.

    I wouldn't try to convince your boyfriend to go to another school just to appease your parents. If I listened to all my parents' advice over the years I would be dating the same boy I did my sophomore year of high school, working at the same gas station a mile from my house, and going to school 20 minutes from my house!
  • boomboom011
    boomboom011 Posts: 1,459
    move out and pay your own way through college. then they cant say a damn thing
  • willafan
    willafan Posts: 101
    Hi everyone. I need a little advice. Im a college freshman, transferring to be closer to home next year. I decided on a university about an hour from home. now i have had a boyfriend for over a year who is a senior in high school, and for whatever reason or another my parents arent overly crazy about him. (I promise, there are no bad reasons why they dont like him. hes always treated me well and is very nice and loving and all that good stuff. they just think i deserve better, which pretty much all parents do). Anyway. He decided on a college today, and because of his money situation, he has to go to the same school im going to, because its the cheapest state school in our state. My mom is FURIOUS. But like, my three best friends also already go to that school and my mom wasnt mad about me being with them, but she is so mad that he is going to be there with me.

    What do you suggest I do? I obviously dont want my parents mad at me or hating my boyfriend even more than they do (hes really nice I swear! Theyre just a little overprotective I guess). Maybe should i sit down with my parents and boyfriend and talk it all out and let them know that were not going to college JUST to be together ? Switch schools? Make him switch schools?! Ahhh. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

    Hi There- I am a mom of a 19 year old who's finishing her freshman year (see my pic:) I can tell you from a parents perspective that we have a tendency to worry about our daughters getting into serious relationships when we feel they should be living it up in college. I catch myself doing that all the time- my daughter had a serious BF in highschool and almost cancelled her out of state college plans and I was pretty upset. Eventually, they broke up and I have to admit I was happy about it. Nowadays, I just remind myself that she is an adult and I remind her that we are footing the bill for her education and try to avoid making judgemental statements about some of the questionable (but fun) activities she's been undertaking at College:)
    You sound like a great kid- I don't think anyone needs to switch schools. Just remind your momma that you hve a set of goals for yourself that don't hinge on your relationship status and take a deep breath whenever she goes a little crazy. She does love you and has your best interest at heart:)
  • lour441
    lour441 Posts: 543 Member
    I have made it quite clear to my 10 year old daughter she is not allowed to date until she moves out or she is 30. Maybe that is your issue.
  • Mina133842
    Mina133842 Posts: 1,573 Member
    I think the conversation needs to happen between you and your parents- and just try like another poster said to find out why they don't like him. Keep in mind, that parents have been around longer, and may "see" something in him that you don't, because you love him and are able to overlook his faults. That's not to say that he doesn't deserve a fair chance. Their objection to him attending the same school however, is a bit much. That's something for him and HIS parents to decide, not your parents.
    I had a boyfriend late in high school that my dad just couldn't stand... it never did get better, and after I was out of school and dating someone else, my dad never did say why he didn't like him - but looking back, the next couple of boyfriends were WAY worse than he was.... gently remind them that you're not marrying this guy, you're in a relationship with him that may or may not last - you're young and have lots of time on your hands to decide who you ultimately end up with. maybe asking if they're scared of you marrying this guy and having his baby - just put those types of questions to rest? I don't know, I'm not saying their opinion of him is right, but have you actually considered their feelings?? and try to get them to understand you feel like they're overlooking your feelings and good judgement. They did raise you to make your own decisions, right?!
  • xHelloQuincyx
    xHelloQuincyx Posts: 884 Member
    lol if my mom had a problem with that i would just tell her its my life and i want to go there
    then again im paying for all my college on my own.
    when my boyfriend was in college and i was a senior i would drive 100 miles ever weekend to go see him. my mom didnt have a problem with it because i told her exactly what was up
  • BeetleChe13
    BeetleChe13 Posts: 498 Member
    Definitely just talk to your parents about it. You should be free to go to whichever school you choose for whatever reason, and as for your boyfriend, it is none of their business where he goes. They're not his parents, and they have no say in it. That being said, you are also an adult. If their overprotectiveness gets in your way of doing what you feel is right, you're an adult. You can move out and support yourself. This isn't something that they should let get between your relationship though.
  • Rhaamses
    Rhaamses Posts: 9 Member
    Find out exactly why your parents are furious but him attending the same college as you. Though he may be the world to you, independently, you are both just one person in the world of a college campus. You should be able to defend any response they present, simply by standing on the grounds that this your first step in adulthood, and they need to trust in their guidance of you.
  • soymilkcoffee
    soymilkcoffee Posts: 171
    I don't believe that they dislike him for no reason at all. There is a reason. I don't know if you know what it is, but you might have a gut feeling what it is.
    Also, get your boyfriend more involved in the family. Does your boyfriend come over for holidays or dinners? If not, invite him over. Your boyfriend needs to work on the relationship, even if it seems like a lost cause.
    Other than that, maintain good grades and they can't possibly complain that your boyfriend at your school is a distraction. Unless you two are the same majors and taking the same classes, then I hardly think that he'll be a distraction in the first place.
    Good luck. :flowerforyou:
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
    Hi everyone. I need a little advice. Im a college freshman, transferring to be closer to home next year.
    I'm a mom of a 25 year old who has graduated from college and a 20 year old in college, so I'm asking from a parent perspective. Why are you wanting to change colleges now to be closer to home? If one of my sons wanted to do that and then "coincidentally" their girlfriend was going to the same local school, I don't think I'd like it much. I would think that relationship was dictating where they wanted to attend college. I wouldn't like a teenage relationship dictating that, but that's just me.
  • angraham2
    angraham2 Posts: 128
    TALK to your parents, be sure that they know why you are transfering, don't let boy's get in the way of your education. Be careful how you word things with your parents and don't have the boyfriend there when you talk. It will just create more tension.
  • hillary124
    hillary124 Posts: 112
    Find out exactly why your parents are furious but him attending the same college as you. Though he may be the world to you, independently, you are both just one person in the world of a college campus. You should be able to defend any response they present, simply by standing on the grounds that this your first step in adulthood, and they need to trust in their guidance of you.

    They think that since i was unhappy at my first school ill be unhappy at the new one, more so if my boyfriend is there. but they arent even giving me a chance.
  • hillary124
    hillary124 Posts: 112
    I don't believe that they dislike him for no reason at all. There is a reason. I don't know if you know what it is, but you might have a gut feeling what it is.
    Also, get your boyfriend more involved in the family. Does your boyfriend come over for holidays or dinners? If not, invite him over. Your boyfriend needs to work on the relationship, even if it seems like a lost cause.
    Other than that, maintain good grades and they can't possibly complain that your boyfriend at your school is a distraction. Unless you two are the same majors and taking the same classes, then I hardly think that he'll be a distraction in the first place.
    Good luck. :flowerforyou:

    Thank you so much. And he does try to come around for dinners and things but he feels awkward because he knows how my parents feel about him:(
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