Frustrated with friend...warning it's a rant.

Will_Lift_4_Shoes · May 2012

So I am chatting with my friend this morning (who is heavy) and we are discussing weight loss. I have invited her to join me in my fitness classes, given her this website, talked about what I am doing that is working, showed her a few websites that have easy quick cheap meals that she make for her family. It is one road block after the next. My husband doesn't like that, it's too expensive to eat healthy, no one wants to see my 300 lb body shaking it, it hurts my knees to work out. She said this morning I need to find someone that I can lose weight with. :grumble: WTH!!! I said, I would love to be your partner. She said no, you are already skinny, you don't count. Gee, thanks! :ohwell:

peacek · May 2012

It's good to have a friend like you!
Share the information and let her figure how much she wants to take in! Peace!

Will_Lift_4_Shoes · May 2012

Thanks, I was really just trying to be supportive and not pushy. I hate when people are pushy with me. I just offer and if she says no then its no biggie, but it hurt my feelings (I know...grow a pair and quit whining) when she said I didn't count.

etavi · May 2012

It sounds like she doesn't actually want to loose.
As we all know, the journey is scary. Wouldn't it be great if we could just loose without the possibility of failing? hah
Let her know you're there for her any time she needs it, and that she is welcome to come to you if she ever wants advice.
However, I would slow down or stop with all the websites. Maybe she feels like you're trying to show off? (Like, "Look! I can do it! Why can't you?!") I know that is not your intention at all, but I've been in your friend's shoes many times, and sometimes it feels that way.
Weight loss is something you really have to decide on yourself. And start yourself.

Skeena4 · May 2012

I think it's natural to be excited and tell your friends about things you love... and in my head I'm always thinking "well if *I* can do it so can you" (mostly because I am SO NOT athletic) and we like to share things that make us happy or that we enjoy (reading a good book, losing weight, a new song etc)
I don't blame you... but I agree that for weight loss in particular, the other person has to be really ready in their own mind. I know... to the day... when I had an almost imperceptible shift in my thinking... so I started MFP and am FINALLY fully committed!

cyclerjenn · May 2012

I feel your frustration. My best friend and I joined this site a little over a year ago and while I have stuck with it and reached my goals, my best friend made excuses. Now it seem like she does everything in her power to sabatoge me so I will be right back with her.

Stay stong just keep talking with her and encouraging her to reach her goals, some day something will click and she will be ready for your support.

rocketass99 · May 2012

Its been my experience that when some one lashes out like that, when you get down to the meat of it, they are afraid of something. Usually they are afraid they are going to lose something they have or they are not going to get something they want. I would hazard a guess to say, she's afraid she won't be successful at weight loss. Then what does she do. Of course she is going to lash out at you. Not only are you her friend, but you are being successfully at your weight loss.

Will_Lift_4_Shoes · May 2012

Really this has been going on for a while (6 months or more). I know it sounds like a lot of websites...I promise it isn't as bad as it sounds in my rant. However...that being said. I will just let her know that my skinny opinions just don't count and so I won't offer them. (where is that sarcasm font when we really need it :laugh:

Mads1997 · May 2012

Leave it be. She is not ready!

piglet1643 · May 2012

Its been my experience that when some one lashes out like that, when you get down to the meat of it, they are afraid of something. Usually they are afraid they are going to lose something they have or they are not going to get something they want. I would hazard a guess to say, she's afraid she won't be successful at weight loss. Then what does she do. Of course she is going to lash out at you. Not only are you her friend, but you are being successfully at your weight loss.

Yep...she might be scared to fail or scared that she won't be as successful as you have been.

anacsitham5 · May 2012

You have done the right thing by giving suggestions. Unfortunately it's like dealing with someone who has a drug or alcohol addiction. You can't make them do it. They will go for it when they want to, if they ever want to. Just let her know that your offer stands to be her diet buddy when and if she ever makes the decision to go for it and then back off. She will let you know when she is ready. Good luck

NotGoddess · May 2012

You can take it as a progress marker. To her eyes you have achieved your goal, the journey finished. You may have many miles to go in your mind, but it's good to have that outside perspective...even if it was a bit backhanded.

She on the other hand is still at the fork in the road. She may think she's ready, but her feet have yet to trod down the path. She hasn't made that mental shift needed to truly commit to the journey. In her uncertainty she'll dismiss the success of others, marginalize their advice, even to the point of being petty or cruel because acknowledging them highlights her own failure.

She doesn't know that she hasn't failed-she can't have because she hasn't really begun. She doesn't yet realize that she has to own her life, her health, and her decisions and start moving, one step at a time, down the path of progress. Your advice and offers can help point her in the right direction, but ultimately it's up to her.

Be patient with her if you can. You are collateral damage in her internal struggle. If it gets too wearing you may have to wish her well and cut your losses. I hope she'll make the turn and realize what a good friend you've been.

Edit: Sorry for the long post. I got a bit introspective about my own behavior before and since

dolldreams · May 2012

Sounds like she just isn't ready. Be there for her when she is.

histora · May 2012

I agree with what everyone else is saying, and wanted to add that sometimes, being fat is comforting to folk. I was that way for a while. It was easier for me to say everything in my life sucked because I was fat than it was saying I had to woman up and start changing my life. I was also afraid of attention I'd get if I *did* lose all that weight.

It sucks, I know, because I've been on both sides. $:\$ I had a girl I was supposed to be work out buddies with, we hung out a few times because our husbands were buds. Eventually she dropped the whole workout plan. I offered to pick her up, switch up the routines, talked about food journaling...and it just pissed her off more, because she projected my happiness and enthusiasm as condescension and mockery.

Just do what you are doing, and make it clear you won't judge her if she chooses to come with, or back out. Either she'll be inspired by your commitment and success, or she'll walk.

Good luck.

findingme2011 · May 2012

I understand where she is coming from, but she is making excusses!! That's all. I would love to have a friend want to work out with me!!! You did all you can do!!

tjs616 · May 2012

I completely understand why she wouldn't want to work out with someone who is already skinny. For a long time I was afraid to meet anyone fitness oriented because I feared the embarrassment of being too slow to keep up, or how ridiculously fat I would look in comparison to them. When I finally managed to bring myself to get a work out buddy, I weighed almost 100 pounds more than she did. The difference is that I did it anyway. You know what they say, if it's important you will find a way, if not you will find excuses. Clearly, this is not a priority for her. You've done the best you could, but you can't want it for her :flowerforyou:

Will_Lift_4_Shoes · May 2012

Thanks everyone!!! This is why I joined this site. The support is great. I know she will have to make the decision to lose the weight on her own. Just becuase I don't have more than 100 lbs to lose doesn't make my weight loss journey any more or less difficult or momentus (check the spelling there). I am happy that I have lost the 15 pounds that I have. They have been hard won after counting calories and working out. It isn't easy (for anyone really) to lose weight and I have only wanted to share with her what has worked for me. I am a firm believer though if you don't like something either change it or shut up. Right now, I want to just tell her to shut up. But that isn't helpful for her so I zipped my lip and posted a topic :-D

tobnrn · May 2012

I work with someone that is always complimenting me. Wow you always eat so healthy and it looks so good. Your getting so skinny. I wish I could do what you do. I never bring it up. I just drop little encouraging lines like "yes you can" When we both have the same days off I invite her to go hiking. When she doesnt show I just tell her I missed hanging out with her. One day she said "I am afraid your going to make fun of me because your so fit and Im so flab". I am far from fit. What a compliment that she sees me fit. How sad that she thinks I would make fun of her. We had a long talk about it. She told me she didnt think I really would make fun of her but was afraid. Fear can do 1 of 2 things. Fight or flight. I can encourage her to face her fears, but until she is ready she wont. Encouraging positive comments go a long way. She has started asking me when Im going next. I know one day she will show up.

Will_Lift_4_Shoes · May 2012

I work with someone that is always complimenting me. Wow you always eat so healthy and it looks so good. Your getting so skinny. I wish I could do what you do. I never bring it up. I just drop little encouraging lines like "yes you can" When we both have the same days off I invite her to go hiking. When she doesnt show I just tell her I missed hanging out with her. One day she said "I am afraid your going to make fun of me because your so fit and Im so flab". I am far from fit. What a compliment that she sees me fit. How sad that she thinks I would make fun of her. We had a long talk about it. She told me she didnt think I really would make fun of her but was afraid. Fear can do 1 of 2 things. Fight or flight. I can encourage her to face her fears, but until she is ready she wont. Encouraging positive comments go a long way. She has started asking me when Im going next. I know one day she will show up.

This is what I keep hoping. I would never make fun of her. I love her..she is a great friend. I hate to see her so unhappy with herself. I know that fear is the big motivator here for her. It sucks that she doesn't see she is worth it. I try to keep it pretty low key and just encourage her when I can without being "that" friend. Hopefully one day she will show up. Good luck with your friend.

mamagooskie · May 2012

Let her stay fat, you can't force anyone to do anything, when people are ready they will reach out for help till then gotta let them be.

reneelee · May 2012

Leave it be. She is not ready!

Great advise! Dont try to get even she wont get the sarcasim and she will just think you are being mean. Maybe someday she will be ready and ask you for your help.

saraann4 · May 2012

So I am chatting with my friend this morning (who is heavy) and we are discussing weight loss. I have invited her to join me in my fitness classes, given her this website, talked about what I am doing that is working, showed her a few websites that have easy quick cheap meals that she make for her family. It is one road block after the next. My husband doesn't like that, it's too expensive to eat healthy, no one wants to see my 300 lb body shaking it, it hurts my knees to work out. She said this morning I need to find someone that I can lose weight with. :grumble: WTH!!! I said, I would love to be your partner. She said no, you are already skinny, you don't count. Gee, thanks! :ohwell:

First off, your friend has to WANT to change. Doesn't seem like she wants to change. I agree that it is expensive to eat healthy, BUT I am saving money considering I used to spend $25-40 a day on fast food. Now, the last time I went food shopping which was last friday, I spent $70. Big savings!

Also, I can kind of understand on how she might not want to do things with you because like you said she said that "you are already skinny". I don't want to work out with anybody who is skinnier than me except my mother. My mother weighs much less than I do. She doesn't push me verbally, but she does in a weird way. For instance, when we take a walk with the dogs, she can definately walk faster than me and she will walk behind me so I know I have to keep up the pace. I wouldn't take it bad if I were you, she did say you were skinny! Maybe sometime in the near future she will come to you and ask you for advice? maybe? lol Maybe not, but that's my perspective

ishallnotwant · May 2012

Its been my experience that when some one lashes out like that, when you get down to the meat of it, they are afraid of something. Usually they are afraid they are going to lose something they have or they are not going to get something they want. I would hazard a guess to say, she's afraid she won't be successful at weight loss. Then what does she do. Of course she is going to lash out at you. Not only are you her friend, but you are being successfully at your weight loss.

Yep...she might be scared to fail or scared that she won't be as successful as you have been.

I agree...and judging by her "nobody wants to see me shake it comment" it sounds like she is extremely self-conscious. Good on you for being a supportive friend though. maybe just keep on offering (I mean, on occasion, not completely harassing or anything :laugh: ) and one day she will want to work out with you? Do you think she would maybe just take a walk with you each day at the beginning? Maybe once she actually sees a pound or two come off, it might make a world of difference in her level of confidence and she might actually think it's doable...

ScarletShopaholic · May 2012

Having a similar situation with a friend of mine, every excuse going why she can't do this or that to lose weight, I think she is just not ready to start. I used to think 'what's the point, I've got so much to lose, I'll fail, so why even try'. People will only do it when they are ready. Some people are never going to be ready. I do find myself thinking I wish she would do it, we could do so much more together if she did - she restricts what we do because she can't walk far, doesn't like crowded places. I know how she feels because I used to feel that way.

I'm also worried because she has health issues and really does need to be healthier. She was really angry the other day because the doctor told her she's pre diabetic, and has something else wrong that affects the liver, and she said I've got to eat f*****g salads, like it was the doctor's fault she had gotten so big. I wanted to say well don't do it then, keep eating what you like and you know what will happen. I didn't I just said it doesn't have to just be salad and veg. I wanted to say stop eating so much junk and just eat normal meals and the weight will drop off initially. My mouth stayed shut because I didn't want to come across all 'big headed losing weight b***h. I sometimes worry our very good friendship won't survive if she doesn't lose weight too. Not because of me, because I think she resents me losing weight. She has even said to me on occasions 'you never talk about food anymore' lol it used to be a favourite topic and she sounded really sad when she said it.

I've really wanted to get this off my chest for the last couple of days and your post gave me the excuse. Sorry for hijacking.

Will_Lift_4_Shoes · May 2012

Having a similar situation with a friend of mine, every excuse going why she can't do this or that to lose weight, I think she is just not ready to start. I used to think 'what's the point, I've got so much to lose, I'll fail, so why even try'. People will only do it when they are ready. Some people are never going to be ready. I do find myself thinking I wish she would do it, we could do so much more together if she did - she restricts what we do because she can't walk far, doesn't like crowded places. I know how she feels because I used to feel that way.

I'm also worried because she has health issues and really does need to be healthier. She was really angry the other day because the doctor told her she's pre diabetic, and has something else wrong that affects the liver, and she said I've got to eat f*****g salads, like it was the doctor's fault she had gotten so big. I wanted to say well don't do it then, keep eating what you like and you know what will happen. I didn't I just said it doesn't have to just be salad and veg. I wanted to say stop eating so much junk and just eat normal meals and the weight will drop off initially. My mouth stayed shut because I didn't want to come across all 'big headed losing weight b***h. I sometimes worry our very good friendship won't survive if she doesn't lose weight too. Not because of me, because I think she resents me losing weight. She has even said to me on occasions 'you never talk about food anymore' lol it used to be a favourite topic and she sounded really sad when she said it.

I've really wanted to get this off my chest for the last couple of days and your post gave me the excuse. Sorry for hijacking.

I don't think you hijacked my post. :-) its nice to know someone else feels the way I do. I am worried to because I don't want to go to all you can eat buffets or out to high calorie places. I really want to do more active things and she can't cuz of the weight. I have friends from my workout classes but they aren't calling on the weekends to get together if ya know what I mean. It is going to take her coming to terms with where she is and loving herself enough to finally want to make the change. And for the record ...I want to see her "shake it" in my class. I think to me that is more inspiration than watching the ultra fit ponytailed blonde leading the class. My hats off to those that swallow their pride and go to class. Its not about waking up one morning in the body you dream of its about all the changes you make now so you can achieve the body you deserve. There is so much more to life than just being overweight.

Rocking_Robin · May 2012

I applaud you for what you are doing for your friend even though she is not too open to it...I have a few friends that I have tried to support as well but have backed off some, one of my friends just started WW.
Good Luck!!

iwantahealthierme13 · May 2012

I tried to share this with my best friend too, she's smaller than me but has gained about 10 pounds every year for the last 3 and she used to be skinny (size 4-6) and eat healthy. Her knees are getting really bad and they can't support her weight anymore, neither can her tiny child's size (size 2) feet but I can't get her on board with me AT ALL. Guess she's not ready.

ProudMomToTwo · May 2012

Although my situation isn't exactly like yours, it still rang true for me to read your post.
To be honest, your friend doesn't sound like she is ready to do the work and make the commitment.
We all have to get to that point or have that AH- HA moment on our own - that I know for a fact.
I think you will be there for her when she gets there and you will be supportive whether she does it on her own or gets help through a gym/nutritionist/trainer or buddies up with someone else that's closer in size to her.

I have a friend that is always telling me how desperately she wants to lose weight ( about 20 lbs ) but she isn't willing to make the changes necessary. She won't change her eating habits, doesn't make the time to exercise, and doesn't get enough rest or water. She is constantly running to one doctor or another for some ache or pain.
I find it incredibly frustrating to talk to her b/c I am like you and feel like if you are miserable, then change it - otherwise quit complaining.
I know her complaints and I know a change in diet, exercise, less stress, and more rest and water would solve a lot of it.
I decided to just be a supportive friend when she says she wants to do it right. I am not convinced she will ever change anything though.

Equally frustrating is another friend, we lost touch for about a yr but recently reconnected, and she is losing weight and trying to do it the right way. YAY I was so excited to have a local friend to talk to about diet and clean recipes and exercise and body fat and all that. She even invited us out to Zumba with her. My kids & I had a lot of fun doing that even though she was always putting herself down ( making fun of herself ). She is quite a bit heavier than I am and carries her wt differently ( pear shape ).
I don't know what happened exactly. She got Slim 6 and I got TurboFire and I wanted to keep doing Zumba to mix it up so we wouldn't get bored but she has fizzled out and stopped asking us to come Zumba 2x/week. I don't know if she just has to focus on one goal at a time ( slim 6 ) or what exactly....

I didn't mean to hijack your post but I guess I wanted you to know you aren't alone in these types of struggles.

Will_Lift_4_Shoes · May 2012

Thanks everyone. I really enjoyed reading everyone's responses. Loving others is really what we all need to do. When my friend truly commits and makes the changes she needs to be healthier I will support her 100%. for now I will just give her the space and the kind ear to bend.

cloud2011 · May 2012

Whoops

katrinaloveslunar · May 2012

As someone who weighs a lot, I know this story from your friend's side. Two years ago, I was rushed to the hospital - they told me I was hyper-tensive, diabetic, and I needed a blood transfusion (due to my cancer, which was undiagnosed at the time). The doctor prescribed me a bunch of pills and told me to lose 200 lbs immediately. I said, "Yeah, I'll get on that." (note the sarcasm). Losing that much weight seems insurmountable! It's like saying, "Hey, let's climb Everest this weekend." It's not just scary, it's hard to know where to begin. I've had loving friends like you all my life. The suggestions and ideas are great but they are overwhelming. Losing that much weight requires a major change in lifestyle, and everyone knows change is hard. It's not laziness; it's being petrified of the unknown. I have been fat all my life. I've never known what it is like to be thin. So when you're faced with an overwhelming fear of the unknown, you cling to normalcy and your favourite recliner with a bag of chips and a diet Coke.

I know my friends have been frustrated with me. I know because there are many days when I'm frustrated with myself. Start small. Setting a small goal & betting on it worked for me. I bet my friend that I would work out for at least 20 minutes 5 days a week. If I didn't do it, I'd owe her $50. However, I wouldn't start like that with your friend. Pick a small change she could easily make (like not eating chips for a week), if she does it, take her out for frozen yogurt or another healthier snack.

No matter what happens, she's really lucky to have a friend like you. Always remember to have fun with your friends

)

Frustrated with friend...warning it's a rant.

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