Wanting to be back with ex-fiance

Options
SnookiBaby92
SnookiBaby92 Posts: 85
in Chit-Chat
Hi All,

So a little background information here:

I met him a few days before I turned 18 and we started talking and getting closer and a few weeks later we were going out, a month later he proposed and we were engaged! (both families were happy!).... 8-9 months later, we got a flat and moved in together (very stressful times)... on my 19th birthday I had a friend up who I hadnt seen for years and we were having a little drink and a laugh my Fiance had had to much to drink and I was nipping at him for it - things kicked off and he ended up smashing our coffee table, by trying to flip it - police were involved and that caused major *kitten* between my family and him! we tried to to stay together but with his anger and lack of trying to get help we fell into same patterns as before and our arguin got worse e.g. lashing out, pushing eachother....

Anyways we have been split for a while, but are still living together - I love him, he loves me but we aren't together he is currently getting counselling for his anger and I have been going out and enjoying partying, drinking etc... I have got to the stage now my life feels empty without being with him! My family absolutely detest him, but that doesnt stop me wanting a future with him, we did talk about getting back together if he sorted his temper tantrums and if he got a job and could hold it down (some extra pressures that we were having while together)

Is it possible that people can change? and if so how do I tell my family if and when I decide if we get back together... so confused! :cry:
«134

Replies

  • chevy88grl
    chevy88grl Posts: 3,937 Member
    Options
    Can people change? Sure. But, only if THEY are the ones who want to change. If he's changing because you are basically forcing him to do so? Then no, it won't work.

    You are still living together, so really you aren't apart. I suspect taking some time for yourself - away from him may give you a clearer view of the situation. Being caught up in it still is preventing you from REALLY being able to evaluate things with a clear mind and heart.

    I wish you the best.
  • ket_the_jet
    ket_the_jet Posts: 1,257 Member
    Options
    You are nineteen years old and you live in America. You haven't even lived a quarter of your life expectancy. How can you expect to know what you want?

    Get a new place and find someone new when you're not looking. There is way too much more to do in life.
    -wtk
  • SnookiBaby92
    SnookiBaby92 Posts: 85
    Options
    Can people change? Sure. But, only if THEY are the ones who want to change. If he's changing because you are basically forcing him to do so? Then no, it won't work.

    You are still living together, so really you aren't apart. I suspect taking some time for yourself - away from him may give you a clearer view of the situation. Being caught up in it still is preventing you from REALLY being able to evaluate things with a clear mind and heart.

    I wish you the best.



    I havent forced him too get help or anything - he made the decision when we split and he thought there was no chance of us getting back its only recently we were talking about it....
  • DrAliSharif
    DrAliSharif Posts: 15 Member
    Options
    Honestly I think change is possible, but it will take time and years of therapy, possibly quicker with cognitive behavioural therapy.

    You still seem very young and try to make sure it is him you miss and not the space that he fills. Some miss just having someone not necessarily THE person of their lives.

    And regarding your family.. I used to think that as long as one's happy with their partner that is all that matters, but if almost everyone whom you know and trust don't like him and thinks he isn't good for you, this is usually true. You are just so close you might not see it yourself..

    I know your story has more to it than a few sentences posted online but try to find yourself and the honest truth..

    Telling your family doesnt have to be more than saying he has gone through therapy, he has changed, Im giving him another chance and for my sake try doing the same.

    Best of luck to you both

    / Ali
  • SnookiBaby92
    SnookiBaby92 Posts: 85
    Options
    You are nineteen years old and you live in America. You haven't even lived a quarter of your life expectancy. How can you expect to know what you want?

    Get a new place and find someone new when you're not looking. There is way too much more to do in life.
    -wtk

    I live in the UK, and too me he feels like he is my soulmate - there are so many times that our paths crossed before actually meeting, and I feel like im losing my one and only! ♥
  • zeldalemons
    zeldalemons Posts: 16 Member
    Options
    I believe that when a relationship ends, you need to leave them in the past where they belong. It's easy to remember all the good times you had with that person and disregard the things that tore you apart but that doesn't change the fact that it didn't work out, obviously you're attached to him, and living with him certainly isn't going to help you get over him so I think you need to move out. He has major anger issues, and as much as you "love" him, you don't deserve that whatsoever. I've dated a few guys that my family didn't approve of, with good reason, but I was far too blinded to see what they saw. If people around you are advising you not be with him, you should take their advice. When you think you're "in love" with someone, it's hard to see their flaws. I think the best thing you can do is take this as a growing experience, and get away from the situation. Speaking from experience.

    and also, I think it's crazy to get engaged after a month. you cannot possibly know a person that early into a relationship, not to mention you're way too young to committing to someone. you still have your entire life ahead of you.
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    Options
    He smashed a coffee table and now suddenly he's the son of Satan and needs anger management counselling? Nevermind the fact he'd been drinking and you were on his case for having fun. Guess I'd better get myself checked in as well.

    Edit; read more of it. Pushing eachother should never happen. I have disagreements with my girlfriend from time to time, but I would never dream of laying a hand on her.
  • KimBee45
    KimBee45 Posts: 27
    Options
    If you were my daughter, I would tell you to live separately as well. I agree that you can't think through the situation clearly while still living with him.
    Also, physical altercations are super scary to me! This kind of volatile relationship is toxic and should not be tolerated by either one of you. Perhaps you two are not a good mix, I don't pretend to know, I just get worried about young women who consider going back into these bad relationships for 'love'. Sorry if it's not what you want to hear.
  • JulieH3art
    JulieH3art Posts: 293 Member
    Options
    He should sort himself out, financially and emotionally, before committing to a relationship - much less marriage. You'll be doing him a favour if you let him get himself together. If you love him, let him go...
  • SnookiBaby92
    SnookiBaby92 Posts: 85
    Options
    Honestly I think change is possible, but it will take time and years of therapy, possibly quicker with cognitive behavioural therapy.

    You still seem very young and try to make sure it is him you miss and not the space that he fills. Some miss just having someone not necessarily THE person of their lives.

    And regarding your family.. I used to think that as long as one's happy with their partner that is all that matters, but if almost everyone whom you know and trust don't like him and thinks he isn't good for you, this is usually true. You are just so close you might not see it yourself..

    I know your story has more to it than a few sentences posted online but try to find yourself and the honest truth..

    Telling your family doesnt have to be more than saying he has gone through therapy, he has changed, Im giving him another chance and for my sake try doing the same.

    Best of luck to you both

    / Ali

    hi,

    what you are saying makes sense, we have spoke about one of us finding somewhere else to live and that way we can have our own lifes aswell as if we decide to get back together so that we are not living in eachothers shoes all the time... and hopefully with the family situation - only time will tell if this counseling will make a difference and if he sticks to it then good for him! Hopefully if things are meant to be they will.. xx
  • momma3sweetgirls
    momma3sweetgirls Posts: 743 Member
    Options
    I had a soulmate at your age too. Guess what? I'm not married to him today and thank goodness for that!
  • JasonD334
    JasonD334 Posts: 94 Member
    Options
    [/quote]
    [/quote]

    I live in the UK, and too me he feels like he is my soulmate - there are so many times that our paths crossed before actually meeting, and I feel like im losing my one and only! ♥
    [/quote]
    [/quote]

    You're young, so I wouldn't expect you to have this yet, but I promise you as you get older and get some perspective on life you will find he wasn't your "soulmate" or your "one and only". Trust me, at your age I had many soulmates and one and onlys, and once one would leave another would come. -- You'll be fine, and remember that ex's are ex's for a reason.
  • SnookiBaby92
    SnookiBaby92 Posts: 85
    Options
    He smashed a coffee table and now suddenly he's the son of Satan and needs anger management counselling? Nevermind the fact he'd been drinking and you were on his case for having fun. Guess I'd better get myself checked in as well.

    I also said that our arguements got worse e.g lashing out etc..... so NO it wasnt just smashin the coffee table....
  • DrAliSharif
    DrAliSharif Posts: 15 Member
    Options
    She said after that their fights got worse to the point of them both pushing eachother, so yeah he needs anger management. A mature decision on his side.
  • rdzilla
    rdzilla Posts: 113 Member
    Options
    You are way too young to even think about getting married. Don't do it.
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    Options
    He smashed a coffee table and now suddenly he's the son of Satan and needs anger management counselling? Nevermind the fact he'd been drinking and you were on his case for having fun. Guess I'd better get myself checked in as well.

    I also said that our arguements got worse e.g lashing out etc..... so NO it wasnt just smashin the coffee table....
    She said after that their fights got worse to the point of them both pushing eachother, so yeah he needs anger management. A mature decision on his side.
    Yup I read on, and edited my response. I would never say anything hurtful let alone lay a finger on my girlfriend in any kind of argument, so I really don't think you two are compatible.
  • deteriminedAMY
    deteriminedAMY Posts: 22 Member
    Options
    You are so young and for that I give you so much credit for hoping for the best. As for the reality of the situation, yes people can change but "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" as the saying goes. If HE wants to change and be a better person, then there is a chance. Speaking from experience, I was in a situation where I was with a man for 10 years. Prior to the steady time, we saw each other occasionally because I seem to be a crutch for him. He is my daughter's father but after 10 years, he resorted back to his selfish ways and left one day. He blamed it on the conflict between HIS teenage daughter and myself but I know it was time for him to move on. Believe it or not, he still contacts me and plays on my unconditional love for him. Listen - YOU WANT SOMEONE WHO WANTS YOU FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS.... If it is meant to be, he will have to find a way within himself to come to terms with his issues and realize that you two can work. You can't force it or make it happen. I hope things work out for you in a way that will provide long lasting happiness in your life ~whatever that may be:)
  • carinalewis
    carinalewis Posts: 84
    Options
    they dont change!!! get rid and move on, dont make the same mistakes i did !
  • SnookiBaby92
    SnookiBaby92 Posts: 85
    Options
    Wasnt planning on getting married until years later.... (both recognised was a good gesture but too young)...
  • victoria4321
    victoria4321 Posts: 1,719 Member
    Options
    Sorry but the guy sounds like a bum. You pretty much laid out the beginning signs of a future abuser and he can't even hold down a job. Easier said than done, but just walk away and dont look back. You'll find someone better if you up your standards.

Categories