Wanting to be back with ex-fiance
SnookiBaby92
Posts: 85
in Chit-Chat
Hi All,
So a little background information here:
I met him a few days before I turned 18 and we started talking and getting closer and a few weeks later we were going out, a month later he proposed and we were engaged! (both families were happy!).... 8-9 months later, we got a flat and moved in together (very stressful times)... on my 19th birthday I had a friend up who I hadnt seen for years and we were having a little drink and a laugh my Fiance had had to much to drink and I was nipping at him for it - things kicked off and he ended up smashing our coffee table, by trying to flip it - police were involved and that caused major *kitten* between my family and him! we tried to to stay together but with his anger and lack of trying to get help we fell into same patterns as before and our arguin got worse e.g. lashing out, pushing eachother....
Anyways we have been split for a while, but are still living together - I love him, he loves me but we aren't together he is currently getting counselling for his anger and I have been going out and enjoying partying, drinking etc... I have got to the stage now my life feels empty without being with him! My family absolutely detest him, but that doesnt stop me wanting a future with him, we did talk about getting back together if he sorted his temper tantrums and if he got a job and could hold it down (some extra pressures that we were having while together)
Is it possible that people can change? and if so how do I tell my family if and when I decide if we get back together... so confused!
So a little background information here:
I met him a few days before I turned 18 and we started talking and getting closer and a few weeks later we were going out, a month later he proposed and we were engaged! (both families were happy!).... 8-9 months later, we got a flat and moved in together (very stressful times)... on my 19th birthday I had a friend up who I hadnt seen for years and we were having a little drink and a laugh my Fiance had had to much to drink and I was nipping at him for it - things kicked off and he ended up smashing our coffee table, by trying to flip it - police were involved and that caused major *kitten* between my family and him! we tried to to stay together but with his anger and lack of trying to get help we fell into same patterns as before and our arguin got worse e.g. lashing out, pushing eachother....
Anyways we have been split for a while, but are still living together - I love him, he loves me but we aren't together he is currently getting counselling for his anger and I have been going out and enjoying partying, drinking etc... I have got to the stage now my life feels empty without being with him! My family absolutely detest him, but that doesnt stop me wanting a future with him, we did talk about getting back together if he sorted his temper tantrums and if he got a job and could hold it down (some extra pressures that we were having while together)
Is it possible that people can change? and if so how do I tell my family if and when I decide if we get back together... so confused!
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Replies
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Can people change? Sure. But, only if THEY are the ones who want to change. If he's changing because you are basically forcing him to do so? Then no, it won't work.
You are still living together, so really you aren't apart. I suspect taking some time for yourself - away from him may give you a clearer view of the situation. Being caught up in it still is preventing you from REALLY being able to evaluate things with a clear mind and heart.
I wish you the best.0 -
You are nineteen years old and you live in America. You haven't even lived a quarter of your life expectancy. How can you expect to know what you want?
Get a new place and find someone new when you're not looking. There is way too much more to do in life.
-wtk0 -
Can people change? Sure. But, only if THEY are the ones who want to change. If he's changing because you are basically forcing him to do so? Then no, it won't work.
You are still living together, so really you aren't apart. I suspect taking some time for yourself - away from him may give you a clearer view of the situation. Being caught up in it still is preventing you from REALLY being able to evaluate things with a clear mind and heart.
I wish you the best.
I havent forced him too get help or anything - he made the decision when we split and he thought there was no chance of us getting back its only recently we were talking about it....0 -
Honestly I think change is possible, but it will take time and years of therapy, possibly quicker with cognitive behavioural therapy.
You still seem very young and try to make sure it is him you miss and not the space that he fills. Some miss just having someone not necessarily THE person of their lives.
And regarding your family.. I used to think that as long as one's happy with their partner that is all that matters, but if almost everyone whom you know and trust don't like him and thinks he isn't good for you, this is usually true. You are just so close you might not see it yourself..
I know your story has more to it than a few sentences posted online but try to find yourself and the honest truth..
Telling your family doesnt have to be more than saying he has gone through therapy, he has changed, Im giving him another chance and for my sake try doing the same.
Best of luck to you both
/ Ali0 -
You are nineteen years old and you live in America. You haven't even lived a quarter of your life expectancy. How can you expect to know what you want?
Get a new place and find someone new when you're not looking. There is way too much more to do in life.
-wtk
I live in the UK, and too me he feels like he is my soulmate - there are so many times that our paths crossed before actually meeting, and I feel like im losing my one and only! ♥0 -
I believe that when a relationship ends, you need to leave them in the past where they belong. It's easy to remember all the good times you had with that person and disregard the things that tore you apart but that doesn't change the fact that it didn't work out, obviously you're attached to him, and living with him certainly isn't going to help you get over him so I think you need to move out. He has major anger issues, and as much as you "love" him, you don't deserve that whatsoever. I've dated a few guys that my family didn't approve of, with good reason, but I was far too blinded to see what they saw. If people around you are advising you not be with him, you should take their advice. When you think you're "in love" with someone, it's hard to see their flaws. I think the best thing you can do is take this as a growing experience, and get away from the situation. Speaking from experience.
and also, I think it's crazy to get engaged after a month. you cannot possibly know a person that early into a relationship, not to mention you're way too young to committing to someone. you still have your entire life ahead of you.0 -
He smashed a coffee table and now suddenly he's the son of Satan and needs anger management counselling? Nevermind the fact he'd been drinking and you were on his case for having fun. Guess I'd better get myself checked in as well.
Edit; read more of it. Pushing eachother should never happen. I have disagreements with my girlfriend from time to time, but I would never dream of laying a hand on her.0 -
If you were my daughter, I would tell you to live separately as well. I agree that you can't think through the situation clearly while still living with him.
Also, physical altercations are super scary to me! This kind of volatile relationship is toxic and should not be tolerated by either one of you. Perhaps you two are not a good mix, I don't pretend to know, I just get worried about young women who consider going back into these bad relationships for 'love'. Sorry if it's not what you want to hear.0 -
He should sort himself out, financially and emotionally, before committing to a relationship - much less marriage. You'll be doing him a favour if you let him get himself together. If you love him, let him go...0
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Honestly I think change is possible, but it will take time and years of therapy, possibly quicker with cognitive behavioural therapy.
You still seem very young and try to make sure it is him you miss and not the space that he fills. Some miss just having someone not necessarily THE person of their lives.
And regarding your family.. I used to think that as long as one's happy with their partner that is all that matters, but if almost everyone whom you know and trust don't like him and thinks he isn't good for you, this is usually true. You are just so close you might not see it yourself..
I know your story has more to it than a few sentences posted online but try to find yourself and the honest truth..
Telling your family doesnt have to be more than saying he has gone through therapy, he has changed, Im giving him another chance and for my sake try doing the same.
Best of luck to you both
/ Ali
hi,
what you are saying makes sense, we have spoke about one of us finding somewhere else to live and that way we can have our own lifes aswell as if we decide to get back together so that we are not living in eachothers shoes all the time... and hopefully with the family situation - only time will tell if this counseling will make a difference and if he sticks to it then good for him! Hopefully if things are meant to be they will.. xx0 -
I had a soulmate at your age too. Guess what? I'm not married to him today and thank goodness for that!0
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I live in the UK, and too me he feels like he is my soulmate - there are so many times that our paths crossed before actually meeting, and I feel like im losing my one and only! ♥
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You're young, so I wouldn't expect you to have this yet, but I promise you as you get older and get some perspective on life you will find he wasn't your "soulmate" or your "one and only". Trust me, at your age I had many soulmates and one and onlys, and once one would leave another would come. -- You'll be fine, and remember that ex's are ex's for a reason.0 -
He smashed a coffee table and now suddenly he's the son of Satan and needs anger management counselling? Nevermind the fact he'd been drinking and you were on his case for having fun. Guess I'd better get myself checked in as well.
I also said that our arguements got worse e.g lashing out etc..... so NO it wasnt just smashin the coffee table....0 -
She said after that their fights got worse to the point of them both pushing eachother, so yeah he needs anger management. A mature decision on his side.0
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You are way too young to even think about getting married. Don't do it.0
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He smashed a coffee table and now suddenly he's the son of Satan and needs anger management counselling? Nevermind the fact he'd been drinking and you were on his case for having fun. Guess I'd better get myself checked in as well.
I also said that our arguements got worse e.g lashing out etc..... so NO it wasnt just smashin the coffee table....
Yup I read on, and edited my response. I would never say anything hurtful let alone lay a finger on my girlfriend in any kind of argument, so I really don't think you two are compatible.She said after that their fights got worse to the point of them both pushing eachother, so yeah he needs anger management. A mature decision on his side.0 -
You are so young and for that I give you so much credit for hoping for the best. As for the reality of the situation, yes people can change but "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" as the saying goes. If HE wants to change and be a better person, then there is a chance. Speaking from experience, I was in a situation where I was with a man for 10 years. Prior to the steady time, we saw each other occasionally because I seem to be a crutch for him. He is my daughter's father but after 10 years, he resorted back to his selfish ways and left one day. He blamed it on the conflict between HIS teenage daughter and myself but I know it was time for him to move on. Believe it or not, he still contacts me and plays on my unconditional love for him. Listen - YOU WANT SOMEONE WHO WANTS YOU FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS.... If it is meant to be, he will have to find a way within himself to come to terms with his issues and realize that you two can work. You can't force it or make it happen. I hope things work out for you in a way that will provide long lasting happiness in your life ~whatever that may be:)0
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they dont change!!! get rid and move on, dont make the same mistakes i did !0
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Wasnt planning on getting married until years later.... (both recognised was a good gesture but too young)...0
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Sorry but the guy sounds like a bum. You pretty much laid out the beginning signs of a future abuser and he can't even hold down a job. Easier said than done, but just walk away and dont look back. You'll find someone better if you up your standards.0
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Sometimes, the best way to help someone change for the better is to move on. I think he is more likely to really change if he gets himself together first, then tries again with someone new. Sounds like the two of you have a lot more living and growing to do before you commit to anyone seriously. You are very young and have so much to experience! Live a little first! Good luck! :flowerforyou:0
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if you really like(love) him, give it time. if you're willing to work and he's willing to work on making the relationship healthy and sustainable then give it time. ask him how he feels about getting back together. if you considered marriage these are the things you have to do anyway, COMMUNICATE, and not flee at the first signs of problems.0
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Change has to come from both sides, and it really does sound that things really did get out of hand. Pushing and shoving is not ok, both ways.
You are young, if you were already married than I would suggest for you to try and fix it, but your not. So find someone that already has those qualities that you need in your life. You may be in love, and very deeply that you feel that you are made for each other but love does go and then you see the raw elements that are those things that you really don't need in your life. Take your time, date and find the one you truly do connect with, not just with love, paths may cross but sometimes it's just to learn some valuable lessons.
Let him go and focus on being happy with yourself.
Oh, and lay off the alcohol, it does bring problems :bigsmile:0 -
Write down a list of pros and cons. I'm betting the list of cons will be longer and more detailed while the pros will be things like "soul mate" and "I love him". I cannot imagine any parent being thrilled if their teenager gets engaged. At least they came to their senses when he turned violent. Hopefully you will too. You are too young to be able to think about it logically and realistically. You obviously still see love and lust and sex and not much else. Imagine in 10 years what it will be like. You have a child ro 2 and he's throwing a temper tantrum and breaking furniture and pushing you. Do you really want your kids seeing that? Or worse, getting hit by a piece of wood or glass that he broke? How do you think you will be managing financially if he won't work and when he does he can't keep a job? If you stay in that situation your life will suck. Your rose colored glasses will fade and reality that you married a bum will set in.
I had a "soul mate" when I was your age too. I imagined that we would get married and live in a nice home and raise a happy family. Fortunately, I was able to lift the rose colored glasses and realized that I deserved better - and that guy wasn't ever remotey violent. He just drank too much and had no ambition. I wanted more. Shortly after we broke up I met my now husband. We live a very good life and have a wonderful family. I reconnected wih my ex on Facebook. He's living alone with a dog, has no job, is renting a small apartment, and is broke.0 -
I'm still stuck on the families being thrilled that you two got engaged at 18 years old after only a month of dating.
I think you both need counseling and perhaps to cut back on the booze and then see what happens.
I won't say things can't work out for you if he makes changes and is serious about them, but it sounds like there are a lot of deep-seeded issues going on here.0 -
I've been in your shoes before BUT was 17 years old at the time...YES people can change but by the time I was 20 years old I wanted to go out and experience life, and enjoy. I didn't wanna be tied down because between the ages of 17-21 you should be having fun, figuring out who you are and what you want in life. Your young, and trust me you will meet men, fall in love, get your heart broken BUT sooner or later the right guy for you will come alone. That's your call chick because who am I to tell you what to do??? Just make sure it's a decision you will never regret...If you can see yourself with him 5, 10, hell 50 years from now go for it. Just know it's your life, and yes I know your family cares and is looking out for you BUT YOUR THE ONE WHO HAS TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HIM0
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if you are serious about him, and serious enough about life to make that kind of commitment, quit with the drinking and partying. Live a good clean celibate life for 3-6 months. You will find life will suddenly seem clear and obvious and you will make a sensible decision.
if you are serious about help;ing your partner work through his issues you will stop with that sort of lifestyle yourself.0 -
bump0
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You are nineteen years old and you live in America. You haven't even lived a quarter of your life expectancy. How can you expect to know what you want?
Get a new place and find someone new when you're not looking. There is way too much more to do in life.
-wtk
I live in the UK, and too me he feels like he is my soulmate - there are so many times that our paths crossed before actually meeting, and I feel like im losing my one and only! ♥
If he truly IS your one and only, you won't lose him. But you don't want a life filled with turmoil. That's no kind of life. I lived that for a while. Trust me, true happiness comes from being on your own, or in a relationsihp with someone who doesn't hurt you or throw temper tantrams like a child. Don't cement yourself to someone because you think he's your one and only....take it a day at a time and make him prove he's gotten something out of the therapy. If you're meant to be together for life, waiting a couple years isn't much time. Good luck for a life of happiness.0 -
if you are serious about him, and serious enough about life to make that kind of commitment, quit with the drinking and partying. Live a good clean celibate life for 3-6 months. You will find life will suddenly seem clear and obvious and you will make a sensible decision.
if you are serious about help;ing your partner work through his issues you will stop with that sort of lifestyle yourself.
agree completely! when you party and drink too much, you're not in your right frame of mind0
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