Motivating a Spouse

Options
kandaceleehans
kandaceleehans Posts: 11
in Motivation and Support
Hello All,

I hope you are all having a happy Monday. I could use a bit of help/advice/guidance. I am currently having trouble motivating my husband and didn't know if anyone had some words of wisdom.He has decided to join me in a goal of a healthy lifestyle, however feels like he is failing. I don't know how to motivate him to take positive steps. I have tried to lead by example, but I often feel like bad choices are made when together. Like I will give in to getting a milkshake or going out to eat. I realize that you need these every now and again, but think we/he have them more than necessary. I don't want to turn into a nagging wife, but do want us to have a healthy lifestyle. I try to keep only "healthy" items in the house. But he still feels like he is struggling with both eating proportions and the motivation to exercise. I don't want to be his drill Sargent, but I do what to help keep him motivated. We both have a long way to go. I would appreciate any words of wisdom.


THANKS!
«1

Replies

  • sid719e
    sid719e Posts: 47
    Options
    How about scheduling when you go out to eat - say twice a month. Also, he's got to want to do it. You 'nagging" ( I know you're not really nagging, but if he really doesn't want to do it, that's what it will seem like to him) isn't going to help. Have a serious talk with him. Tell him that he really has to want to do it and you can't make him. And keep leading by example.
  • squishycow7
    squishycow7 Posts: 820 Member
    Options
    People can only motivate themselves. He has to want it for himself. I suppose considering that he is feeling discouraged means he had to care in the first place though, right? So that's progress. Not everyone can jump right out of the gate and be 100% perfect.

    That being said.. it sounds like you're doing all you can to be a good example, and that is the perfect thing to do! Make sure you express how happy and proud it makes you when you've had a good day of eating and a got a good workout in. Reward eachother with non-food things whenever you reach a milestone. Try to get him to workout along side you, maybe, rather than separately.

    It takes time. It's good that he has you there to show him the way, but he still will have to find the right inspiration from within in order to really be successful - he can't just want it because you want him to want it.

    Good luck :)
  • enyo123
    enyo123 Posts: 172 Member
    Options
    I've been struggling with the same issues, except I will not make a poor food choice in front of him. I feel that he needs to see me resist temptation or go in moderation to encourage him to do the same. In the end, though, I've realized that I cannot do anything more than encourage and provide good food and healthy meals. I can ask him if he wants to walk the dog with us while I take the kids through the woods for a little hike, but I can't force him to do it. He has to want to do it for himself.
  • RunningMama1276
    RunningMama1276 Posts: 15 Member
    Options
    To ensure that you do not become a nag, ask him what it would take to motivate him. Ask him how much he wants you to "nag" him.

    I kind of had this issue with my boyfriend. I could nag him like no other...but he is not going to really hunker down and do what needs to be done unless he is truly ready (this is HIM...not implying your husband is not ready).

    So...just ask. Make him tell you how much he wants you to push or be a drill sargent. : )
  • Spooney45
    Spooney45 Posts: 76
    Options
    With holding sex is always a good motivator, I know loads of people that do that to their partners and get their way. Something like if you don't lose any weight this week no sex next week, it's me or the milkshake or go for a jog or no sex might help, it motivates quite a few guys I go to the gym with.
  • HealthyBodySickMind
    HealthyBodySickMind Posts: 1,207 Member
    Options
    It sounds like there are two areas you are working on here, healthy eating and exercise, and for both, I would recommend focusing on the positive (fun things to do together) rather than the negative (we can't have this we can't have that). My husband has a tendency to get down on himself, so I can sympathize.

    For exercise purposes, I would recommend finding something you guys like to do together to stay active. Do you like roller skating, long walks, bicycling or tennis? My husband and I both love hiking and canoeing. We also have dogs that we walk together and go play in mosh pits together at local concerts.

    For eating purposes, just plan healthy meals together. Do either of you cook? If you don't, it could help to learn. It's much easier to control what you're eating if you are the one cooking it.

    You can even do both at once and plan a picnic date: pack a healthy lunch/dinner and hike to your favorite park (or drive to a park with trails and hike there).
  • ritmeyer
    ritmeyer Posts: 136 Member
    Options
    Hello All,

    I hope you are all having a happy Monday. I could use a bit of help/advice/guidance. I am currently having trouble motivating my husband and didn't know if anyone had some words of wisdom.He has decided to join me in a goal of a healthy lifestyle, however feels like he is failing. I don't know how to motivate him to take positive steps. I have tried to lead by example, but I often feel like bad choices are made when together. Like I will give in to getting a milkshake or going out to eat. I realize that you need these every now and again, but think we/he have them more than necessary. I don't want to turn into a nagging wife, but do want us to have a healthy lifestyle. I try to keep only "healthy" items in the house. But he still feels like he is struggling with both eating proportions and the motivation to exercise. I don't want to be his drill Sargent, but I do what to help keep him motivated. We both have a long way to go. I would appreciate any words of wisdom.


    THANKS!

    Honestly, the only thing that I see that works is leading by example. My husband has never had problems with his weight. He is a marathon runner, lifts weights, etc. He does however binge on sugar more than he should...since he has type I diabetis. He can eat more than anyone I know and not gain weight. Since my pregnancies and thus, my struggle with my weight, he has been a wonderful support, loving me and never telling me what I should or shouldn't do. But he was also a huge enabler when I wanted to binge on food.

    He wants to eat healther, and he does for the most part. But now when he says "Lets go get DQ." I tell him that he can, but I will not be getting any. Sometimes he gets it, sometimes he doesn't. But I don't. We have 2 nights a month where I make homemade pizza and we go get ice cream. That's when I indulge. I just try to be an emotional support to him when he falls short of his ideal, and encourage him when he does want he intended. We all should be easier on ourselves, no one is perfect. The guilt and shame is what would lend me to eat more.

    Good luck. It's a hard road, but sooooo worth it!
  • Pipsg1rl
    Pipsg1rl Posts: 1,414 Member
    Options
    maybe he needs to hear more encouraging words from you, ie: WOW! that shirt looks great this week. You must have lost some weight!
    or instead of acting like the choice is bad, say something like "geez! did you realize that a King Size Drumstick (ice cream product) has MORE than a quarter of my daily calorie intake??"

    this makes it less about you all over him and more about you all over yourself.

    and finally - if you can't motivate him, don't let it DEMOTIVATE you!!
  • sbeisel1
    sbeisel1 Posts: 181
    Options
    A tough one, I found that sticking to my guns and saying things like "I will have water thanks" when milkshakes or pop are an option does help. vocalizing for yourself out loud infront of him may help to get him thinking. I try to order mine first vocalizing (talking to myself outloud) I will pick a not so good item, then hum and haw over it and say "you know what? I will have the XYZ instead, thats a much better choice." leading by example can be tricky sometimes you need to sound a little crazy to get your point across without acutally nagging.

    No matter what nagging has a reverse psychology effect on many people, say dont and they will do.. try positive nagging, nag yourself out loud in front of him or ask him to stop you from ordering bad choices or choosing bad things. ask him to say something if you are about to make a food follie. This might help him stop and think about his choices.

    make a point to say "good choice" or "thats a great idea" when he chooses something good. I find that it helps to use only positive encouragement that makes him feel like he is helping me (when he is really helping himself)

    when all else fails have a heart to heart. be honest and open. Its hard to motivate or help someone if they dont want it or are not ready. maybe its time to aks the hard questions?

    another option (worked for my friend and hubby) to make a challenge of it every day that you go junk free put a dollar in a jar and at the end of the month count each others jar and whoever has the most money gets the money from both jars!!

    8 months after I started my fitness pal my hubby finally joined in on the excercise, we work out toghether and challenge each other. we have a mutual agreement to never let the other stray.

    good luck.
  • sbeisel1
    sbeisel1 Posts: 181
    Options
    With holding sex is always a good motivator, I know loads of people that do that to their partners and get their way. Something like if you don't lose any weight this week no sex next week, it's me or the milkshake or go for a jog or no sex might help, it motivates quite a few guys I go to the gym with.

    ha ha OR you could use it as a reward instead!! positive motivation... witholding my lead to other problems... :sad:
  • holleysings
    holleysings Posts: 664 Member
    Options
    I'm struggling with my husband too! He's diabetic, overweight, and uninsured. He needs to lose weight to put off the diabetes and so he can get insured, but he completely lacks motivation.
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
    Options
    It's definitely a delicate subject. My hubs recently gave up beer and I've trying to support him with all positive reactions. Like, when he says he's gone x # of weeks without it, I tell him how proud of him I am. And when I hug him, I say "are you still losing weight, you feel smaller!". Thing is, he's an adult and you have to treat him that way. Encourage him, congratulate him, support him, be a good role model and hope he follows your lead. And if you do want to discuss your concerns, make it more about his health and wanting to keep him around a long time, not about his weight.

    The problem we usually have with dining out is that we do it so rarely that we treat each time like a special event and usually go overboard (fill up on apps and salad and can barely eat our meals). Plus, since it's on him, I usually feel like he should make the choice of what to order for extras - dumb, I know. For take out though, we order our own meals - even with pizza, we each get a small so we can make our own topping/crust choices and no one's forced to compromise.

    One thing you can do to avoid the tempation of dining out or take-out is to thoroughly plan meals for the a week or two at a time. That way if someone wants to go out to dinner, you can say "sorry, I've got thawed chicken that needs to be cooked or it'll spoil" or "I've already got a stew ready in the crock pot". As someone else suggested, plan to only go out once or twice a month and try to prepare good homemade meals the rest of the time. This time of the year is so much easier. As long as the weather's good, you can just stop by the store on the way home, slap on a marinade or rub and grill it up.

    ETA: if you have a hard time planning, keep a list of quick and easy but healthy meals handy just in case.
  • kandaceleehans
    kandaceleehans Posts: 11
    Options
    With holding sex is always a good motivator, I know loads of people that do that to their partners and get their way. Something like if you don't lose any weight this week no sex next week, it's me or the milkshake or go for a jog or no sex might help, it motivates quite a few guys I go to the gym with.

    OH NO!!! That would be toooo tragic! Plus isnt sex a good work out... I would be missing out on some weekly cardio. LOL.
  • enyo123
    enyo123 Posts: 172 Member
    Options
    With holding sex is always a good motivator, I know loads of people that do that to their partners and get their way. Something like if you don't lose any weight this week no sex next week, it's me or the milkshake or go for a jog or no sex might help, it motivates quite a few guys I go to the gym with.

    Ha. I tried that. Not withholding so much as offering a little extra. It was an awesome motivator for a week. And then *I* started looking forward to him not exercising. ;-) There are limits to how much one is willing to put out, even if it's a great motivator.

    But, yeah, OP, if you're not married to someone that has a ridiculously high drive that you can't keep up with, then it might help. Although I prefer to use it as positive reinforcement instead of negative reinforcement. ("If you do" instead of "if you don't.")
  • kandaceleehans
    kandaceleehans Posts: 11
    Options
    It sounds like there are two areas you are working on here, healthy eating and exercise, and for both, I would recommend focusing on the positive (fun things to do together) rather than the negative (we can't have this we can't have that). My husband has a tendency to get down on himself, so I can sympathize.

    For exercise purposes, I would recommend finding something you guys like to do together to stay active. Do you like roller skating, long walks, bicycling or tennis? My husband and I both love hiking and canoeing. We also have dogs that we walk together and go play in mosh pits together at local concerts.

    For eating purposes, just plan healthy meals together. Do either of you cook? If you don't, it could help to learn. It's much easier to control what you're eating if you are the one cooking it.

    You can even do both at once and plan a picnic date: pack a healthy lunch/dinner and hike to your favorite park (or drive to a park with trails and hike there).

    I have tried to work out with him. I go to the gym immediately after work, because I know that as soon as I get home its game over. I have done the "hey baby lets go walk the dogs." Which he is ALWAYS down for, I just have difficulty motivating myself to offer that after I have already been at the gym for an hour. On the weekend we are usually a bit better about getting outside.

    As for cooking, we are both pretty decent. Because I get home so late the dinner preperation is usually up to him. I try to sit down with him on Sunday and plan for the week. He is really good about cooking what is on the list for that day. I think the problem for us there is that we cook like we are still living with our families, but its just the two of us, and portions can become an issue. Especially since he can eat over 3000 calories and loose weight. (He is 6'9") I think he is still feeling like he needs to eat the same amounts as when he was active in sports and that is no longer the situation.

    I know its a slow process and I want it to be a positive experience for both of us. I apprecitate all of the words of wisdom!!!

    THANKS GUYS!! I let you know how it goes.
  • kandaceleehans
    kandaceleehans Posts: 11
    Options
    It's definitely a delicate subject. My hubs recently gave up beer and I've trying to support him with all positive reactions. Like, when he says he's gone x # of weeks without it, I tell him how proud of him I am. And when I hug him, I say "are you still losing weight, you feel smaller!". Thing is, he's an adult and you have to treat him that way. Encourage him, congratulate him, support him, be a good role model and hope he follows your lead. And if you do want to discuss your concerns, make it more about his health and wanting to keep him around a long time, not about his weight.

    The problem we usually have with dining out is that we do it so rarely that we treat each time like a special event and usually go overboard (fill up on apps and salad and can barely eat our meals). Plus, since it's on him, I usually feel like he should make the choice of what to order for extras - dumb, I know. For take out though, we order our own meals - even with pizza, we each get a small so we can make our own topping/crust choices and no one's forced to compromise.

    One thing you can do to avoid the tempation of dining out or take-out is to thoroughly plan meals for the a week or two at a time. That way if someone wants to go out to dinner, you can say "sorry, I've got thawed chicken that needs to be cooked or it'll spoil" or "I've already got a stew ready in the crock pot". As someone else suggested, plan to only go out once or twice a month and try to prepare good homemade meals the rest of the time. This time of the year is so much easier. As long as the weather's good, you can just stop by the store on the way home, slap on a marinade or rub and grill it up.

    ETA: if you have a hard time planning, keep a list of quick and easy but healthy meals handy just in case.

    I think Im going to have to stock up on some quick meal ideas!! :D
  • CaptainAmerica1970
    CaptainAmerica1970 Posts: 435
    Options
    Positive, praise, polite, respect, friendly, and leading by example are always good things to consider. Also, if you prepare the meals, then there is nothing wrong in making his meals healthy too.
  • GasMasterFlash
    GasMasterFlash Posts: 2,206 Member
    Options
    Trying taking him to BJ's Wholesale and maybe pick up the DVD box set for "BJ & the Bear". Go home and watch it. Then, put some Bon Jovi or Billy Joel. Check YouTube for old videos of famous athletes like decathlete Bruce Jenner, sprinter Ben Johnson, tennis star Billie Jean or the great Bo Jackson.
  • cricketannie
    cricketannie Posts: 184 Member
    Options
    I have this problem, too! My husband decided to take this healthy lifestyle journey with me about a year ago, and has barely lost any weight. He constantly makes poor decisions with food choices and portion sizes. I know I make plenty of bad decisions, too, but mine aren't all the time. Just every now and then.
    I am also having a really hard time getting him to exercise. He pays for a gym membership he doesn't use, and has a $400 bike sitting out back with cobwebs growing on it. I go out and do some form of exercise every single day, and can not drag him out the door to join me.
    I know my post make it sound like he doesn't want to get in shape of healthy, but I now he really does. I think he is just embarrassed about the whole thing to take the steps it takes to change his life.

    One thing I know for sure is that if I even mention one thing about bad food choices of lack of exercise, I'm in for a fight. He doesn't want to hear it, or even talk about it. I'm hoping he is just going to make the decision himself to get off the couch and out the door. Maybe one day soon. :-/
  • holleysings
    holleysings Posts: 664 Member
    Options
    I have this problem, too! My husband decided to take this healthy lifestyle journey with me about a year ago, and has barely lost any weight. He constantly makes poor decisions with food choices and portion sizes. I know I make plenty of bad decisions, too, but mine aren't all the time. Just every now and then.
    I am also having a really hard time getting him to exercise. He pays for a gym membership he doesn't use, and has a $400 bike sitting out back with cobwebs growing on it. I go out and do some form of exercise every single day, and can not drag him out the door to join me.
    I know my post make it sound like he doesn't want to get in shape of healthy, but I now he really does. I think he is just embarrassed about the whole thing to take the steps it takes to change his life.

    One thing I know for sure is that if I even mention one thing about bad food choices of lack of exercise, I'm in for a fight. He doesn't want to hear it, or even talk about it. I'm hoping he is just going to make the decision himself to get off the couch and out the door. Maybe one day soon. :-/

    I think we married similar men...

Categories