Tell me about your rock bottom

I am an assistant scout leader. I signed up for a high adventure training course through scouting and in going through the forms and information realized that at my weight, (257) I wouldn't be allowed to ride the horses for insurance reasons. OMG so I'm too fat for a horse to carry me??! I've seen the hourses at our camp, and they are huge. I knew I didn't want to have to miss out on any part of the training and that there were probably other things that I just wouldn't be able to do becauseI weighed too much to be able to rock climb, or fit into a kayak, or mountain bike up a steep trail, or possibly even rappel. Suddenly I looked very different when I looked in the mirror and I hated it. I decided that I was going to use my 4 months to lose as much as I could to be able to do as much as possible.

! am now down to about 202-203 and working towards 195 or possibly the 184 that the BMI charts say I should be at. I got to participate in every one of the activities in the traininng andI feel a ton better than before I started. Another benefit, was that I have stopped using the CPAP machine that I have used for 4-5 years.

My problem was that for so many years I existed at 'rock bottom' that it began to feel normal. There were the times similar to most of those that have been listed on this thread. When the scale hit 'barrier' numbers that I thought I would never go past - 250, then 300, then 350, then 385 - I finally stopped looking at a scale. At times my family and friends would beg me, plead with me, to get a handle on my weight for my own health. That usually made me angry even though I recognized their love and concern. I despised doctor's visits (and there were many because my health was in a horrible state) because it would, of course, be one of the primary focuses of the doctor's advice to me that I should lose weight.

I was in that horrible downward spiral for decades! There was a journey that began in me with the realization of the broken place in my past that had led to the weight gain. For me, that was a period of many years of molestation, sexual abuse, and rape. As a child, I had been told that I never had to worry about being raped because "if they got you in a good light, they would let you go." To my young mind that meant that ugly girls were safe. I started gaining weight, but it kept happening. So I gained more and more hoping that it would finally be enough to stop the pain.

Those memories were so horrific that I stuffed them deeply down inside my heart. Throughout my adult life I would attempt many different weight loss plans. They would often work and I would lose weight - sometimes a LOT of weight. However, if any man other than my husband noticed and said something - even something as innocent as "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight - good job!" - I would immediately start binging and find my 'safe place' again.

To honor the rules of forum posting (that ask that nothing religious be posted), I won't be able to share the actual events that made the change in my heart. If you are interested you can read more of my story here:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Celebration-of-True-Freedom/230655243670046

I have been at my goal weight (which was based on being at a normal BMI and not on how I would look) for almost two months now. The journey took over three years, but is well worth it. And now I have my life back and can do all that I was created to do!

Wow losing that much wt during pregnancy? Did your doc get mad or happy about it? I was doing low carb because I weighed so much with my second pregnancy, I had gestational diabetes plus thyroid issue, I gained35 lbs and my doc kept saying to stop gaining so I won't be on insulin, but I did not overeat and I worked out. They sent me to a nutrionist who said I was eating too low carb, put me on a round diet. It must be hard to diet whole prgho...

U have a great attitude, I'm not gonna be this wt ever again!

Oh hmm... Rock bottom, not sure if you'd say I really hit one at first, I mean when I seen a photo of myself at 250lbs, I swore that wasn't me, though it looked like me, I just couldn't believe I was really that big. Even though when we bought the Wii and wii fit plus, I stood on it for the first time, weighing myself for the first time since having my son, it said 235lbs, More on the lines of 234.7 or something like that, but I was like "Yeah right, this thing is lying" I didn't think I was that big. I didn't feel big, I didn't look big to myself in the mirror, I mean I knew I was over weight, but obese? Well I ignored the wii fit, and then the photo of 250, was taken a little before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. But when my dad had his heart attack and found out he was a diabetic, I knew now that heart problems run in both sides of my family, so I needed to get a hold on at least my eating. I didn't work out, I just tried to eat better. Back then I thought working out wasn't for me, and didn't care about that. Well then I find out I'm pregnant with my daughter, now I'm thinking "Oh crap! I'm gonna be over 300lbs when I have this baby." My first OBGYN Appt. the scaled read 250 on the nose. I was so ashamed. I was also tested for Gestational diabetes. Thing is, I suspected I was a diabetic before I got pregnant, I had the symptoms but I didn't want to know, I figured I'd get it under control later. I know that's stupid, but I was in the mind set that I was not that big lol. Well I was placed on a strict low carb diet. I was counting carbs not calories. I joined this site to use the food tool to calculate my carbs. I lost the login info for that account, but made a new one after I started doing calories. While pregnant, I lost 70lbs. So when I had her, instead of being over 300lbs, I was just under 200, I weighed in at 180lbs at my 6 week check up after having her. That didn't last long, I gained 25.5lbs back. I didn't stick to my diet, I wanted carbs lol. Well, in late September 2011, I remember looking in the mirror and literally saying "I hate the way you look, I hate your hips, I hate your waist, I hate everything about you. You are ugly, you look like shamu's mother, you let yourself go, this is pathetic, deep down you are better then this." I broke down, I cried, and then somewhere inside me I had to find the love I have for myself, because if you can't love yourself, how can you do better for yourself? So once I got a grasp on loving myself, I was able to find my way back here and I started losing, I turned it into a game. It became an addiction to see how much I could lose in 1 month. I'm still going strong with 15-20 more pounds to go to hit my goal. I'm smaller now then I was before I had kids. I refuse to go back to that dark place. I'm better then that.