My daughter is being bullied!

GTOgirl1969
GTOgirl1969 Posts: 2,527 Member
edited September 20 in Chit-Chat
At school she is having a problem with a girl in her class. This girl will only mess with my daughter when the teacher's back is turned, and when my daughter tries to stick up for herself, she's always caught "retaliating", but when the other girl starts crap, she is never caught. I've spoken to the teacher and the teacher said that if she didn't catch the other girl bullying my daughter there was nothing she could do.

I've also spoken to the girl's mother and got the typical "my daughter would never do that" response. Of course, my first instinct was to tell my daughter to take a page from the other girl's book and wait til the teacher wasn't looking and smack her back into reality....but I know that isn't the solution either. What do I do? I want my daughter to feel comfortable going to school, and I want her to feel confident in standing up for herself.
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Replies

  • agarlits
    agarlits Posts: 429 Member
    Tai Kwon Do!
  • GTOgirl1969
    GTOgirl1969 Posts: 2,527 Member
    Tai Kwon Do!

    Maybe that's why she's been wanting to take a martial arts class...there's one near my house that has kids' classes in one side of the building and adults' classes going on at the same time. I want to take a class as well, maybe I'll check it out.
  • agarlits
    agarlits Posts: 429 Member
    Seriously, I think the only way to manage the situation if for your daughter to fight back. If she just takes it the girl will just keep doing it. My cousin had the same problem not to long ago (he's in the 3rd grade). The kid wouldnt quit hitting him and picking on him at recess and one day after school my uncle sat him down and had the "Dont start the fight but if they start it you damn well better finish it" talk. They havent had any problems since.
  • spagagna
    spagagna Posts: 3
    The other girl obviously thrives off of whatever response your daughter gives. If plays dumb and/or ignores her long enough, the other girl will find another target. I know it sounds passive and like something that wouldn't inspire confidence, but it is what works. It requires and engenders inner strength and confidence. It also give her fun stories of her flustered bully fuming at the lack of response - so long as your daughter succeeds in depriving the bully of the response she is seeking.
  • agarlits
    agarlits Posts: 429 Member
    Tai Kwon Do!

    Maybe that's why she's been wanting to take a martial arts class...there's one near my house that has kids' classes in one side of the building and adults' classes going on at the same time. I want to take a class as well, maybe I'll check it out.

    That would be a great idea and good for bonding if you were both doing it at the same time. But I think everyone should at least take a self defence class.
  • GTOgirl1969
    GTOgirl1969 Posts: 2,527 Member
    Seriously, I think the only way to manage the situation if for your daughter to fight back. If she just takes it the girl will just keep doing it. My cousin had the same problem not to long ago (he's in the 3rd grade). The kid wouldnt quit hitting him and picking on him at recess and one day after school my uncle sat him down and had the "Dont start the fight but if they start it you damn well better finish it" talk. They havent had any problems since.

    That's basically what I told her....I said if the girl hits her, she has every right to whoop her butt...and even if she gets in trouble at school she won't be in trouble with me.
  • agarlits
    agarlits Posts: 429 Member
    The other girl obviously thrives off of whatever response your daughter gives. If plays dumb and/or ignores her long enough, the other girl will find another target. I know it sounds passive and like something that wouldn't inspire confidence, but it is what works. It requires and engenders inner strength and confidence. It also give her fun stories of her flustered bully fuming at the lack of response - so long as your daughter succeeds in depriving the bully of the response she is seeking.

    When I was in the 5th grade I was being bullied by this kid and thats what my parents told me to do innitially. So the kid shoved me head first into a brick wall for ignoring him. So I really dont agree with that method...
  • leavinglasvegas
    leavinglasvegas Posts: 1,495
    My daughter is having a similar problem.

    I would suggest asking the teacher to move thier seats so that they are apart and talk to your daughter about ignoring her antics in class. Then the teacher will see that your daughter is not "doing" anything and will hopefully see the other kid, if she continues from farther away, it will probably be more obvious. Do other kids see what is going on? Does she have a friend in class that can be a witness to the teacher?
  • GTOgirl1969
    GTOgirl1969 Posts: 2,527 Member
    I was bullied almost constantly during middle and high school. One day a girl broke an ink pen and put all the ink in my hair (on the bus) and I'd finally had enough of her bullcrap, so I turned around and punched her in the nose. She never bothered me again. There are too many other stories for me to mention right now....I think bullying can scar a kid for life and I don't want that for my daughter. I always tell her not to allow anyone to make her feel like less than she is (I hope that makes sense).
  • GTOgirl1969
    GTOgirl1969 Posts: 2,527 Member
    My daughter is having a similar problem.

    I would suggest asking the teacher to move thier seats so that they are apart and talk to your daughter about ignoring her antics in class. Then the teacher will see that your daughter is not "doing" anything and will hopefully see the other kid, if she continues from farther away, it will probably be more obvious. Do other kids see what is going on? Does she have a friend in class that can be a witness to the teacher?

    Yes, she does, but it's basically one kid's word against another's and the teachers are too politically correct to actually STEP IN and do something about it. It seems like a case where the perpetrator has more rights than the victim. :explode:
  • agarlits
    agarlits Posts: 429 Member
    My daughter is having a similar problem.

    I would suggest asking the teacher to move thier seats so that they are apart and talk to your daughter about ignoring her antics in class. Then the teacher will see that your daughter is not "doing" anything and will hopefully see the other kid, if she continues from farther away, it will probably be more obvious. Do other kids see what is going on? Does she have a friend in class that can be a witness to the teacher?

    I understand how that could work from an in class standpoint. But whats going to happen when the teacher isnt around? If this girl is picking on her daughter I'm sure she's picking on other kids too and at that age a bully is a scary thing. I'm not saying her daughter needs to seek a fight with this bully or even that fighting is always the right answer but sometimes in life the best way to defend yourself is to put the fear of god in the other person.
  • agarlits
    agarlits Posts: 429 Member
    I was bullied almost constantly during middle and high school. One day a girl broke an ink pen and put all the ink in my hair (on the bus) and I'd finally had enough of her bullcrap, so I turned around and punched her in the nose. She never bothered me again. There are too many other stories for me to mention right now....I think bullying can scar a kid for life and I don't want that for my daughter. I always tell her not to allow anyone to make her feel like less than she is (I hope that makes sense).

    I agree 100% The problem I mentioned earlier when the kid threw me into the brick wall (which took place at a catholic school btw) he didnt stop bullying me until I finally snapped one day at recess a few weeks later and whooped his @$$.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
    My daughter is having a similar problem.

    I would suggest asking the teacher to move thier seats so that they are apart and talk to your daughter about ignoring her antics in class. Then the teacher will see that your daughter is not "doing" anything and will hopefully see the other kid, if she continues from farther away, it will probably be more obvious. Do other kids see what is going on? Does she have a friend in class that can be a witness to the teacher?

    I understand how that could work from an in class standpoint. But whats going to happen when the teacher isnt around? If this girl is picking on her daughter I'm sure she's picking on other kids too and at that age a bully is a scary thing. I'm not saying her daughter needs to seek a fight with this bully or even that fighting is always the right answer but sometimes in life the best way to defend yourself is to put the fear of god in the other person.

    I think demanding their seats be reassigned is a great first step.
    I think having a discussion with the principal about this teacher's lack of concern over bullying is in order as well.

    I am always amazed at how parents will say their child is perfect and could never do such a thing. If another mother called me, I'd come down on my kid so hard she wouldn't make so much as a PEEP for a week! I'm talking about full out apologies in person to the other kid, daily teacher reports to monitor my kid's actions, being grounded for a reasonable amount of time.....

    Agar, the problem with bullying and standing up for yourself as a girl is all the hurt feeling bullcrap that comes into play. Girls are pack animals, and at times, if you stand up to a female bully, you get the wrath of her cronies too. It's a tough call there, imo..... Sometimes feeling like the whole class hates you and is out to get you because you stood up for yourself is worse than being picked on. :cry:
  • leavinglasvegas
    leavinglasvegas Posts: 1,495
    From what I read in the post this is happening in class. It is not the childs responsibility to police the bully and physically stop her from bullying other kids. I'm just suggesting that something be done to get the school administration involved because that is what they are there for. I don't support fighting at all, for anyone. It takes more courage to walk away and not give the bully what they want. If a child is coming into physical contact with another, the school needs to address that situation accordingly. I'm not sure the type of "messing" with her that is going on, but I didn't assume that it was physical. If it is physical, I'd be all over that teacher for not knowing what is going on in her classroom. School is where you go to get educated acedemically and nothing should interfere with that.
  • agarlits
    agarlits Posts: 429 Member
    My daughter is having a similar problem.

    I would suggest asking the teacher to move thier seats so that they are apart and talk to your daughter about ignoring her antics in class. Then the teacher will see that your daughter is not "doing" anything and will hopefully see the other kid, if she continues from farther away, it will probably be more obvious. Do other kids see what is going on? Does she have a friend in class that can be a witness to the teacher?

    I understand how that could work from an in class standpoint. But whats going to happen when the teacher isnt around? If this girl is picking on her daughter I'm sure she's picking on other kids too and at that age a bully is a scary thing. I'm not saying her daughter needs to seek a fight with this bully or even that fighting is always the right answer but sometimes in life the best way to defend yourself is to put the fear of god in the other person.

    I think demanding their seats be reassigned is a great first step.
    I think having a discussion with the principal about this teacher's lack of concern over bullying is in order as well.

    I am always amazed at how parents will say their child is perfect and could never do such a thing. If another mother called me, I'd come down on my kid so hard she wouldn't make so much as a PEEP for a week! I'm talking about full out apologies in person to the other kid, daily teacher reports to monitor my kid's actions, being grounded for a reasonable amount of time.....

    Agar, the problem with bullying and standing up for yourself as a girl is all the hurt feeling bullcrap that comes into play. Girls are pack animals, and at times, if you stand up to a female bully, you get the wrath of her cronies too. It's a tough call there, imo..... Sometimes feeling like the whole class hates you and is out to get you because you stood up for yourself is worse than being picked on. :cry:

    I understand that but likewise having your parent come in and talk to the teacher is embarrassing when the whole class see's it or if the girl came in and started telling everyone that your kids mommy had to come in and stick up for her because she couldnt do it herself. I'm not trying to say fighting is right or anything and I'm just speaking from personal experiance but I think (sometimes) standing up for yourself is the only way to really take care of the problem.
  • havingitall
    havingitall Posts: 3,728 Member
    My son was picked on from Grade 5 to Grade 9. In Grade 9 he finally had enough and bounced the kid's head off a desk. He was suspended for 3 days as was the other kid but he never had a problem again. Actually after, the kid tried to befriend my son. He wasn't having any of that though.

    He never wanted me to contact the school because he said it was embarassing for him
  • leavinglasvegas
    leavinglasvegas Posts: 1,495


    I understand that but likewise having your parent come in and talk to the teacher is embarrassing when the whole class see's it or if the girl came in and started telling everyone that your kids mommy had to come in and stick up for her because she couldnt do it herself. I'm not trying to say fighting is right or anything and I'm just speaking from personal experiance but I think (sometimes) standing up for yourself is the only way to really take care of the problem.

    Kids don't have to know that adults are involved. Thats not how it works. The adults are in charge, not the children.
  • havingitall
    havingitall Posts: 3,728 Member


    I understand that but likewise having your parent come in and talk to the teacher is embarrassing when the whole class see's it or if the girl came in and started telling everyone that your kids mommy had to come in and stick up for her because she couldnt do it herself. I'm not trying to say fighting is right or anything and I'm just speaking from personal experiance but I think (sometimes) standing up for yourself is the only way to really take care of the problem.

    Kids don't have to know that adults are involved. Thats not how it works. The adults are in charge, not the children.

    Yes but after the parents aren't there, the bullying gets worse for being a tattle tale
  • azwildcatfan94
    azwildcatfan94 Posts: 314 Member
    It has probably already been said, but it has been my experience that your daughter needs to stand up to the girl in some way. I don't like it, but it seems to be the only way bullies understand. I like the tae kwan do idea. There are other forms of karate, so check out all types and even multiple places of the same type and pick the best fit for you and your daughter. But, karate will give your daughter confidence, teach her the skills to defend herself, and teach her the self control to use it in a defensive manner. Not to mention, it is a great exercise.

    I also find the teacher's response problematic. The schools in our area have a no tolerance policy on bullying. When we had a problem with our daughter being teased and reported it at a parent-teacher conference, the teachers all agreed to keep an eye on it. And it did help. At the point we reported it, we weren't even sure how big a deal it was, and nothing physical happened, just verbal teasing, but the teachers were proactive and did move the girl to another part of the classroom. And the situation did improve on its own. But, again, nothing was physical yet, so that is a little different from your situation. I would try reporting it to the principal and see if you get a better response. But, still look at the Karate aspect. Cover all bases.
  • azwildcatfan94
    azwildcatfan94 Posts: 314 Member


    I understand that but likewise having your parent come in and talk to the teacher is embarrassing when the whole class see's it or if the girl came in and started telling everyone that your kids mommy had to come in and stick up for her because she couldnt do it herself. I'm not trying to say fighting is right or anything and I'm just speaking from personal experiance but I think (sometimes) standing up for yourself is the only way to really take care of the problem.

    Kids don't have to know that adults are involved. Thats not how it works. The adults are in charge, not the children.

    Yes but after the parents aren't there, the bullying gets worse for being a tattle tale

    And, unfortunately, the parent of the bully is NOT in charge. If she was, she wouldn't blindly believe her child would "never" do such a thing.
  • agarlits
    agarlits Posts: 429 Member


    I understand that but likewise having your parent come in and talk to the teacher is embarrassing when the whole class see's it or if the girl came in and started telling everyone that your kids mommy had to come in and stick up for her because she couldnt do it herself. I'm not trying to say fighting is right or anything and I'm just speaking from personal experiance but I think (sometimes) standing up for yourself is the only way to really take care of the problem.

    Kids don't have to know that adults are involved. Thats not how it works. The adults are in charge, not the children.

    Yes but after the parents aren't there, the bullying gets worse for being a tattle tale

    And, unfortunately, the parent of the bully is NOT in charge. If she was, she wouldn't blindly believe her child would "never" do such a thing.

    Generally speaking if the child had a positive home life they would not be bullying anyway. At that age agression towards others is a way to vent a deeper issue.
  • azwildcatfan94
    azwildcatfan94 Posts: 314 Member
    And full respect to the pacifists out there. You are operating on an intellectual and emotional level we should all aspire to. Unfortunately, the bullies are operating on the level of a pack animal trying to establish their dominance. And, they will not understand anything else right now.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
    I'm worried that if she fights back, the other girl will become more aggressive.

    I think first things first -- GTO should contact the principal. No principal wants bullying in their school. By talking to the school, she'd be protecting other peoples kids too.


    And if the bullying continues, especially over her being a tattle, then teach your daughter how to throw a wicked right hook.
  • agarlits
    agarlits Posts: 429 Member
    I'm worried that if she fights back, the other girl will become more aggressive.

    I think first things first -- GTO should contact the principal. No principal wants bullying in their school. By talking to the school, she'd be protecting other peoples kids too.


    And if the bullying continues, especially over her being a tattle, then teach your daughter how to throw a wicked right hook.

    Or a roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris style baby!
  • leavinglasvegas
    leavinglasvegas Posts: 1,495
    And full respect to the pacifists out there. You are operating on an intellectual and emotional level we should all aspire to. Unfortunately, the bullies are operating on the level of a pack animal trying to establish their dominance. And, they will not understand anything else right now.

    And fighting back is submitting to thier will. Walking away may aggrevate them, but if it starts young and the school get involved in keeping it out of the school, they don't get thier way.

    At 30 years old, I still talk to people from elementary school. Bullies included. The ones who got thier way then, still get thier way, some even have domestic violence cases against them and have gone down other criminal roads.

    One guy, who seemed like a lost cause back then, was taken thru the proper channels in the school and in the legal system. Today he is a regular guy with no criminal record and a volunteer for underprivleged children. He does not have a bad temper anymore and he is very respectful and deeply religous.

    While fighting back may be neccessary at times (as a last resort) it is important to teach our children consequences. The consequence in the real world for assult is jail and/or other legal action. (a lawsuit even) Oftentimes the person fighting back is charged as well. So if a child is physically assulting another child, they need realistic consequences. That is where the school comes in. Alot of parents are idiots and don't take responsibility for thier kids actions or understand that what the kids do away from home is a reflection of them as parents. But that does not justify fighting.

    If all the proper channels are followed first and this kid still won't stop maybe a blackeye is the way to get thru to her. But if the proper channels are not followed and she goes straight to the fight, she could potentially risk getting in trouble too. I don't know where you all are from, but around here a fight on your record can keep you from enrolling into another school or other activities...regardless of who was at fault.

    Just my opinion.
  • pettmybunny
    pettmybunny Posts: 1,986 Member
    Ok... voice of experience here. My son went through this in 7th and 8th grade. I didn't hear about it because he wouldn't tell me anything, until things got so bad in 8th grade he'd come home and burst into tears. GTO, be glad that your daughter is willing to let you know this stuff is going on, so many kids keep it secret, and it does NOT go away by ignoring it.

    But, I am wary of telling your daughter to fight back. We had sort of told our son that he should push the kid into a locker (my son is almost a foot taller than the bully), hold him there, get in his face and say "LEAVE ME ALONE!" I worried about him getting in trouble from being caught "retaliating", like what has happened with your daughter in the past. So, I told my son that if the teachers weren't doing anything, I was going to go to the principal.

    I called the principal while sitting and waiting for my son to get through his counseling appt. The principal was shocked, because she hadn't heard a single thing about this from the teachers. Mind you, our school (as do many others) has a "No Bullying" policy. She said she would look into it, and to have Brandon let the teachers know right away when something happened. He did, for another couple of weeks, and when I called the principal to follow up, she hadn't been hearing from the teachers still. So I told my son to bypass the teachers and go directly to the office. THAT was what worked. Sort of. It was still a process, and nothing seemed to happen. I continued to call and pester the principal. It wasn't until my son got punched in class (gym class, they were in the weight room) that anything actually happened.

    The teacher didn't see anything, but the principal asked if there were any other witnesses. My son said no, everyone else was busy, but he gave a list of names anyways. They interviewed these kids, who of course hadn't seen the punch, but were forthcoming with other instances of abuse by this kid. Needless to say, the kid got a week of in-school suspension. My son talked a couple of other kids who were being picked on to come forward and tell the principal as well. By the end of another 3 months, the bully was kicked out of school.

    I know it took a while, but in a way, I'm glad a child can't just point a finger at someone and accuse them of bullying. I just wish the principal had questioned other kids sooner.

    Sorry that took so long, buuuuuuttttt..... My advice, is for you as the parent to contact the principal. Pester the principal. Each time something happens, have your daughter go to the principal with a concise explanation of what happened and possible witnesses, whether they are other kids or not. Right now, your daughter is the one who has been busted by the teacher, so acknowledge that with the principal. Admit that your daughter is retaliating, but that she felt driven to it, by the fact that the teacher seemed to do nothing. That if your daughter were to feel safe and secure, she would stop the retaliation.

    By the way, is the bullying physical or verbal? Another option is to give your daughter a digital recorder for her pocket. If the bully starts something, it will be recorded, and is just more evidence when speaking to the teacher and the principal.

    Good luck to you and your daughter!
  • GTOgirl1969
    GTOgirl1969 Posts: 2,527 Member
    For right now it's verbal taunting. Hopefully my daughter would tell me if it got physical.
  • kokonutmama
    kokonutmama Posts: 100
    And full respect to the pacifists out there. You are operating on an intellectual and emotional level we should all aspire to. Unfortunately, the bullies are operating on the level of a pack animal trying to establish their dominance. And, they will not understand anything else right now.
    I don't think this is true at all.

    I agree with PP that children who are bullied should stand up or themselves, and that things like "bouncing his head off a desk" "shoving him into a locker" or a "roundhouse kick" are such incredibly bad ideas I can't believe grown people are talking about them in a positive way. Standing up for oneself is about confidence and strength. The little girl in question is being spoken to in a nasty way presumably because another little girl wants to lift her own social standing by putting her down. The solution is for her to find the strength to not be put down and to win her own social standing by merit of her positive qualities. If she can join some clubs or teams she's interested in (even tae kwon do!) and be a good friend to her friends, this bully will find herself ineffective in squashing her. It's so wonderful that your daughter came to you for help. After you've spoken with the teachers and principal, I hope you'll help your daughter to use this opportunity to grow stronger and more confident as a person. That's a gift she'll always have.
  • kimber607
    kimber607 Posts: 7,128 Member
    My kids are only 4/5 and I am not in your shoes, but for now I don't condone violence....even if my dd or ds was hit/pushed first
    My advice would be to ask the teacher if u can observe the class.....get a better picture of what is really going on....
    I would also, for now, ask your dd to do her best to ignore her and walk away.....if the other girls continues to pick on her and your dd ignores her...it should become pretty clear who the trouble maker is



    Sorry I couldn't be more helpful
    Kim
  • agarlits
    agarlits Posts: 429 Member
    Stick with the Tae Kwon Do, find a good dojo close by. The'll teach her reasoning and mental toughness as well as ways to combat threats with her mind. The martial arts aspect is strictly for self defence and they will teach her that. But knowing how to counter a direct physical attack from another person will be helpful if this problem moves from verbal to physical. Its more of a proactive move as opposed to passive, but I think it would work out better for YOUR situation.
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