Divorce
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I filed for divorce when my son was 4 months old and my daughter had just turned 2 yrs old. It was the hardest but best decision I made. He is a great father and is always in their lives. He chooses to pick them up every weekend not just every other weekend like the court ordered. Right after split, I focused only on myself and my kids. It took some time getting used to not depending on my ex but he has always been there for our kids. Our kids are now 12 yrs and 13 yrs old. We have an understanding and both agree on whats best for kids. We back and support each other. The important thing is to let your kids know that even though your not together, your still on the same team when it comes to discipline, punishment, or achievements.
what i suggest is hold no hostility towards each other. Be civil for the kids. I wish nothing but the best of luck to you on this journey. Be strong and hold your head high.
This is awesome. My parents divorced when I was 1 year old. I only remember what my sisters tell me about him how he was an abusive husband. My mom never mentioned him to me at all. Even when I asked as a kid. I hope to never get to this point. Not saying my marriage is all peaches and cream. Best of luck to all of you going through or about to go through a divorce.0 -
wow..how sad0
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DON'T EVER SAY NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT YOUR EX TO THE KIDS. If you are mad, angry or having a bad day, call your friends. The kids are not divorcing their dad, you are.
My ex spent every waking moment being negative about me, and she died a few weeks ago. The kids didn't have a wake or a funeral. Just a simple memorial service and that was it. It was sad.0 -
My divorce was just final about 5 weeks ago. Its been a crazy ride, and its super hard! I personally think some kind of therapy will help.... It may help your children as well. Its a VERY hard thing to go though.... I cannot speak for you since I don’t know your situation, but I will say for me it’s one of the hardest things I have ever went through and trust me I have had my fair share of life events.
Main suggestion: ONE DAY AT A TIME.... Find one positive thing that you can accomplish during the day. I started to make lists of things to get done.... Every time I was able to mark something off I felt better. I just wanted to know that I could keep my life together and still function.
I am finally at the point where I want to start getting healthy - body and mind.... Time will heal...... You will have good days and bad days (which I am sure you have already had) but I promise it will get better.
I was with my ex a total of 16 years (between dating and marriage) and its been a very hard adjustment. But what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger!!!!!!
:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:0 -
I just dont get why guys cant just keep it in their pants. Zip it up men!!
I just worry that he cant be alone and my boys will just be introduced to so many women.
let him know your concerns and come to an agreement, that he will only introduce the children when he is serious with only one woman he chooses to stay committed to. Same goes for you. The kids dont need to meet every "friend" your ex or you bring over. The trauma of their dad not being there everyday is heartbreaking enough.0 -
I went thru the "big D" back in the mid 90's.
At the time, I HATED my ex for what she did.
A divorce really is heart wrenching and the only thing that (literally) saved her life was the fact that she was a good mom to our Son.
There were several years of fights and honest to goodness black hearted hate.
However, time does indeed heal all wounds.
My revenge was keeping my morals high and keep driving forward.
She on the other hand thought she could get by on her good looks alone.
Now, 20 years later, I can look back on that time as a major bump in the road of life.
Yeah, it still sucked and it did (still) make me a bit distrustful of everyone but, if you have good friends, it will all be OK.0 -
Have fun doing all the things you fantasized you would do if you were divorced while married. For me: hog the remote and watch really girlie **** on tv nonstop. Sleep in the center of the bed with ALL the covers. Toilet seat down, all the time. Pedicures again - my money, my business. Sleep in on Saturdays and hire someone else to clean the house.
In reality: (1) Build your retirement as quickly as possible. For me the *kitten* got half of mine - which wasn't enough to begin with. Once I paid off the lawyers, I started putting every remaining cent towards retirement. Somebody has to take care of your hoard of cats when you die (kidding.)
(2) Get your credit checked and look at EVERYTHING you and your ex-spouse have in common. Make sure things that are now the other's responsibility are OFF your credit - even if the divorce decree says it's the other's responsibilty - LENDERS DONT CARE. Its still yours - you can file the ex in contempt of court (the decree) and they can go to jail, but the debts are still your responsibility. Monitor that **** like its your life. Your future ability to do anything is dependent.
(3) Remember what was fun about you before you met your ex. Do that alot. Get together with your friends (but don't bash or whine - let that be a fun zone that doesn't suck the joy out of the occasion for everyone). Go do stuff. Get out. All those friends that are just casual acquaitenances? Start planning lunches, dinners, movie dates, nights out, etc. Your social circle probably got all ****ed up - time to rebuild it.
(4) Dont' call your ex, any friends that are now exclusively his/her domain, and none of your in-laws unless its CRITICAL (like if you have tax or medical **** that needs dealt with). Leave it alone. Everybody needs to heal - not just you and your ex. Those that matter will reach out and you'll get some closure with them later once the dust settles.
I think that does it.
^^^ I think she hit the nail on the head. GREAT response0 -
stay that way forever!0
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Go get some strange.
This... i did this. It was good for me because i wasn't ready to date any one, at all. All i wanted was the company of a man, do our thing and he or i leaves. Gave me confidence in knowing i was sexy and wanted again. But of course you have kids, so that may be a bit more difficult, just because you can't be bringing a whole bunch of random dudes home
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Coming from a family that did divorce, I would have to say that not dogging the other parent is indeed the most important. My mom and dad dogged each other all the time in front of my brother and I. Like it or not it does not do any good. You sound like you are doing amazing and all of this is great advice.0
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Someone tell me it gets easier? Please....
It absolutely does. I promise. For real. You get out of a bad situation that skews your view of your world, yourself, your place in the world, and everyone else's stance, and once you're out and you adjust to a new reality things fall into place, and make so much more sense. I'm angry much less often. I'm a much better parent. I'm a better wife to my current husband because there is more of me here.
It ABSOLUTELY gets better.
In the middle, you're confused, you're struggling with the idea of failure, if you're like me you're struggling with religious beliefs against divorce, if you're like me you might be fearing for your physical safety, you're feeling terrible for your kids, you're not sleeping, you're hurt and betrayed, you're scared, you're really freaking poor all of a sudden, you're living in a new place maybe, you're figuring out how to pay your lawyer and how to get time away from work to attend to these things, you're not sure you can make it financially or emotionally or even physically or spiritually. NOTHING in your life is particularly going well when you are in the middle of a divorce. It is REALLY BAD when you're in the middle. Go look up that In the Middle song by whoever it is. It's right.
Not only does it get better than that, it gets better than it was when you were slogging it out in the bad marriage.
It gets better.
Really.0 -
Someone tell me it gets easier? Please....
It absolutely does. I promise. For real. You get out of a bad situation that skews your view of your world, yourself, your place in the world, and everyone else's stance, and once you're out and you adjust to a new reality things fall into place, and make so much more sense. I'm angry much less often. I'm a much better parent. I'm a better wife to my current husband because there is more of me here.
It ABSOLUTELY gets better.
In the middle, you're confused, you're struggling with the idea of failure, if you're like me you're struggling with religious beliefs against divorce, if you're like me you might be fearing for your physical safety, you're feeling terrible for your kids, you're not sleeping, you're hurt and betrayed, you're scared, you're really freaking poor all of a sudden, you're living in a new place maybe, you're figuring out how to pay your lawyer and how to get time away from work to attend to these things, you're not sure you can make it financially or emotionally or even physically or spiritually. NOTHING in your life is particularly going well when you are in the middle of a divorce. It is REALLY BAD when you're in the middle. Go look up that In the Middle song by whoever it is. It's right.
Not only does it get better than that, it gets better than it was when you were slogging it out in the bad marriage.
It gets better.
Really.
YES - all of this. It sucked in the during. I felt alone, overwhelmed, failed and worthless (yes, even though I was the one who called it off..). But 2 years later - divorce nothing but a distant storm in my rearview mirror, life is pretty freaking fantastic. I rock, I have alot to offer, and I'm pretty damn good at being in control of my life.
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1) Eat well.
2) Sleep enough.
3) Exercise regularly.
Totally not kidding. When you take care of you first, everything else gets sorted out eventually. 0 -
I have been divorced for almost a year now. This is true. I went to the gym everyday. And I am not kidding I would CRY on the treadmill and pretend it was sweat. I would work out and cry. If anyone noticed they sure didn't say anything. And then one day I realized I wasn't crying. And I could run 3 miles like it was nothing.1) Eat well.
2) Sleep enough.
3) Exercise regularly.
Totally not kidding. When you take care of you first, everything else gets sorted out eventually.
I really really wish you the best. This has been the most miserable year of my life. But now that it is over I can get on with having better years to come.0 -
I'm not quite there yet, but I'm at the crossroads of needing to make that life-altering decision. It's a terrifying thought and I don't want to leave behind the man who's been my family for ten years. Thankfully (now I'm thankful anyway) we don't have kids, but when you love someone fiercely, it's hard to take the plunge and accept that you need to do something or forever be in limbo. So while I haven't taken that step yet, I know it's coming, whether I want it or not.
I'm glad to see everyone's responses in this thread since it helps a lot of us who are either going through it, or about to. Sure, I know it'll get better in time. It's the "during" part that I'm dreading.0 -
Bump.
Love reading the advice. Really good stuff.0 -
I'm not quite there yet, but I'm at the crossroads of needing to make that life-altering decision. It's a terrifying thought and I don't want to leave behind the man who's been my family for ten years. Thankfully (now I'm thankful anyway) we don't have kids, but when you love someone fiercely, it's hard to take the plunge and accept that you need to do something or forever be in limbo. So while I haven't taken that step yet, I know it's coming, whether I want it or not.
I'm glad to see everyone's responses in this thread since it helps a lot of us who are either going through it, or about to. Sure, I know it'll get better in time. It's the "during" part that I'm dreading.
I know exactly where you're coming from Llyrian...and I know about the "limbo" you speak of as well. When I finally decided to end things, the days leading up to it where the most difficult. How do I find the words? What will he say? Will he be blindsided? I wrote letters, pros and cons lists, things that I would say. But in the end, on THAT day, none of those things mattered - I just said what I had to say and faced my fear. It was both difficult and rewarding all at the same time.
Now that it's been about a month and a half, I've never felt better! Everything is out in the open, there's no more guesswork or questions. It's truly over, and very soon I can begin to heal.
You're going to experience this much differently that I did - b/c everyone has their own way of dealing with grieving a relationship. The only thing I can say to you is exactly what I told the OP - be civil, patient and professional at all times...and you'll come out of this a stronger and better person for taking the high road.
I've been where you are now - PM me anytime if you'd like an ear to bend 0 -
Since you have kids, try, as much as possible to keep them out of arguments or discussions regarding the divorce (no playing the kids against the other) and make it a commandement that NO ONE *****es about the ex in front of the kids.
We took that stand when my sister divorced (her daughter has never known life with dad at home) and even today, none of us trash her dad in front of the kid. We only talk about the positive ...like because of him she's in our life. She's now 7, has a great relationship with her dad.
She has noticed daddy's flaws by herself and knows that his new wife is a trouble maker between her parents (she noticed that they would never talk with upset voices before he had his new wife in his life...but they still don't fight in front of her. It's usualy my sister reminding him that his wife is not respecting the arrangements they have had for 7 years and is ongoing. Sometimes it's the ex sayng how sorry he is about his wife's comments during the last visit). My niece also noticed that mommy never has money and asked her why my parents and I buy alot of her stuff ( I pay for anything related to school and after-school programs like soccer and dance classes, my parents pay for her clothing, ect.) and she heard her dad's wife complain about them not having a penny because of child support and my niece doesn't deserve it. Apparently, he said that he doesn't pay child support (which is true) so of course the governments are going to collect every extra penny he should be getting to give it to her.
My family and the Ex's family can very much interact together without any problems and we are often together when it comes to any special event for my niece.
Keep things civilized as much as possible for the kids, that is the key to making things easier for everyone.0 -
I just went through a divorce as well. At first I was a MESS! Total mess. But now, I'm thrilled. I've moved on with my life and I'm happy. We have 2 kids, and we get along pretty well. We are civil for the kids sake. If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me!0
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You will know when it is time. When the first woman called I was 6 weeks preg and afraid to leave. His son was tearing my world apart and all of my furniture too. After his son moved back in with his mom he started spending every weekend with his son at his exs (an hour away). Then came woman number 2 sending messages about how she hated that he had to leave. It came on a Sunday when he got back from seeing "his son" and he claimed it was about a business meeting 2 weeks prior. He moved into the guest room and was texting her all night and day. They were "friends" but in all those texts he forgot to mention he was married. He spent 3 hours with us on Christmas and spent the rest of the weekend at his ex's. New Years Eve came and I gave him the choice of spending it with us or getting his stuff and getting out of my house. He left. It hurt but I was so relieved. I know you dont have kids, but you could see the tension lift off my boys.I'm not quite there yet, but I'm at the crossroads of needing to make that life-altering decision. It's a terrifying thought and I don't want to leave behind the man who's been my family for ten years. Thankfully (now I'm thankful anyway) we don't have kids, but when you love someone fiercely, it's hard to take the plunge and accept that you need to do something or forever be in limbo. So while I haven't taken that step yet, I know it's coming, whether I want it or not.
I'm glad to see everyone's responses in this thread since it helps a lot of us who are either going through it, or about to. Sure, I know it'll get better in time. It's the "during" part that I'm dreading.0
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