Husband is constant opposition!!

24567

Replies

  • TundraTed
    TundraTed Posts: 254 Member
    If you find a good solution to this issue, please let me know.

    My wife is the same way. She has absolutely no desire to be healthier. This is something I want to do for me, but it would be really, really nice to be able to come home and tell my wife about the latest goal I reached or the killer workout I was really proud of. She just doesn't want to hear anything about it, so I don't say anything. In all honestly, I think she is scared to death about the changes in me. It seems to bring out some insecurities. It is scary when your spouse suddenly starts rocking the boat and changing dramatically.

    I do the grocery shopping and make the meals. I do make small variations, such as a side dish I just don't eat that the other members of the family do or brown rice for me and white for everyone else, but that is the extent I will go. I don't buy cookies, crackers, etc. Once in a while I will take my daughter to the ice cream shop or something so that she is not deprived, but I usually don't partake.
  • kskaare
    kskaare Posts: 21
    I've been there-- i love my bf and i think after he started using his new grill these past 3 years, he's realized it's not easy to get dinner on the table. I'm lucky- he supports me, but unless you ask him to participate in the process, you will never get what you want.
  • ArroganceInStep
    ArroganceInStep Posts: 6,239 Member
    I've tried relentlessly to find healthy recipes that he will eat. He will eat what I cook sometimes, but he will modify it to make it not healthy (adding a ton of cheese, ranch dressing, mayo, picking the veggies out, etc.) and he will say it doesn't fill him up and then go to the gas station by our house and buy a bunch of junk food because he's "still hungry", which ends up costing us more in the long run (which is why I buy him his own groceries and make his dinner separate, it's cheaper). We absolutely can't afford the two grocery haul thing and I feel like I'm the one who is going to have to bend.

    What sort of recipes have you been going for?
  • jcpmoore
    jcpmoore Posts: 796 Member
    I understand. I've been there. My husband was doing the same thing and it was irritating the living daylights out of me. So here's what I did that worked.

    1. I sat him down and had a talk. I told him clearly that I needed him to do one of two things for me. Either change his eating habits and try to lose weight or take out an additional life insurance policy so I and my kids would be provided for if he had a heart attack or other health-related crisis. I did this in a non-accusatory way-it's just a matter of making sure that the family is covered.

    2. I stopped making two separate meals. I understand not wanting him to buy junk at the gas station, but even buying it for him is enabling him. At the very minimum, make one healthy meal for you. If he wants something else, he should make it himself. Make your weekly menu in advance and let him know what it will be. Then, if he wants junk food to accompany it, HE can go to the grocery store at the beginning of the week and buy the junk food himself. But you don't buy it for him and you don't fix him junk for a meal.

    3. Don't bend. You are doing what's right and healthy. That is your job as a wife. He doesn't have to like it. At first this will cause some contention, but it should smooth out if you make the menu in advance so he can adapt if he really wants to do his junk food thing.

    You can't make him want to change his habits. That's up to him. But don't let him derail yours. Good luck.
  • vhines57
    vhines57 Posts: 58 Member
    Hi everyone. I have struggled with my weight, yo-yo dieted, all that stuff that everyone says. I feel like I've finally found a pretty good balance and am on the right track. However, my husband is like a constant opposing force to my health efforts.

    He claims that he absolutely cannot stand to eat anything that "grows from the ground". I swear he only rejects things BECAUSE they're good for him. He will go the entire day without eating anything and come home and eat mass amounts of junk food. He NEVER drinks water, only Red Bull or soda, and I can tell he's severely dehydrated. I worry about his health all the time. All of his uncles are morbidly obese and all but one of them have type 2 diabetes. My husband is only about 30 lbs. overweight right now but his weight continues to creep up and up.

    Sometimes I tell myself to just ignore it and let him figure it out for himself because he gets mad when I bring it up. BUT...he's a huge obstacle for me achieving my weight loss goals. I have two separate grocery lists of food to buy every week, one for me and one for him. I also end up having to cook two separate dinners every night. I've tried relentlessly to find healthy recipes that he will eat. He will eat what I cook sometimes, but he will modify it to make it not healthy (adding a ton of cheese, ranch dressing, mayo, picking the veggies out, etc.) and he will say it doesn't fill him up and then go to the gas station by our house and buy a bunch of junk food because he's "still hungry", which ends up costing us more in the long run (which is why I buy him his own groceries and make his dinner separate, it's cheaper). We absolutely can't afford the two grocery haul thing and I feel like I'm the one who is going to have to bend.

    WHAT DO I DO???? It's like talking to a brick wall when I try to reason with him. Sometimes I think he wants me to be fat. He even makes me feel bad, calling me the "health Nazi" and saying I'm obsessed with my weight and that's no way to live.

    HELP!!

    I can honestly say that I WAS your husband!

    My hubby tried for years to get me to eat healthier and I refused because (my reasons throughout the years):

    I didn't like the taste of healthy food
    I was too busy to eat healthier
    It was so much easier & less time consuming to eat healthier
    I didn't eat anything all day, so I will eat what tastes good when I do eat
    I work so hard, I should at least enjoy my food

    And the reasons went on & on & on...

    I put him down for wanting to eat healthy, and yes, that was wrong, but I woke up one day & found that I was, in my opinion, grossly overweight and having weird heart things happening too. So, I feel like I hit my rock bottom.

    I now realize that food was my crutch and I used it to comfort me and I was so so SCARED to lose all of my yummy crutches. I'm really new at the whole losing weight/eating healthy thing, but I've identified why I would never change the way I ate, which I think, is half the battle for me.

    For me, it took hitting that rock bottom and seeing just what I had become....
  • jcpmoore
    jcpmoore Posts: 796 Member
    I would try to make him an ally instead of an enemy. Explain to him how important getting in shape is to you, and how much his support means. Once he is comfortable with helping you with your goals, he will likely start to come around.

    Also, top sirloin is super healthy. More steak will almost always improve the situation!

    Another very good point! One more thing I did to convince my husband to join me on the healthy train was to make dishes he loved healthy. I'd make him the man's favorite- steak & potatoes. He loves steak (what carnivorous mean doesn't?) and I'd bake the potato (and skip it myself). Add a side of broccoli, which he could elect to skip. Then, after he told me how great it was, I'd tell him "Oh, glad you liked it. That was my diet dinner." Then do the same with a salmon dinner the next night. Shrimp one whole grain linguine the next, etc. Wait til he praises it, then tell him "great! I'll make that again-it's diet food." Eventually he realized that it wasn't about being deprived.
  • Captain_Tightpants
    Captain_Tightpants Posts: 2,215 Member
    Sounds like he's not ready to change, and unfortunately that element of readiness is vital.

    All you can do is let him know how much it concerns you and hope that he loves you enough to do something about it himself.

    Alternately, he may get a wake up call as he gets older (not sure how old you guys are right now). I used to be very much of his mindset when I was in my mid 20s, then I hit 30 and it all fell apart, high blood pressure, diabetes, basic overall syndrome x onset. That should get him moving.
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
    holy crap this is just awful, I feel really bad for you. Its sounds like he might have some kind of addiction happening. Not in a psychological addiction kind of way- more of a - you crave more bad food the more you eat it. Im not tying to insult your hubby but it really seems like he has a 7 year old boy's sense of food. Like he's live off ice cream and potato chips if his mommy would let him.

    My only advice to you is to put up with what you can put up with and focus more on your own joy in changing your life. So his meal is all shades of brown and orange and white. Yours is a rainbow and probably some beautiful subtle savory flavors that you can be proud of creating. I would throw myself into making even more amazing and bautiful and healthy meals for mself and just give him his three favorite meals on repeat.

    if he has to have spaghetti every damn day, after a while he may start looking harder at your plat which you are thoroughly enjoying.

    Succeed in spite of him. Yo are worth the effort, no matter what names and insults he slides your way.

    Best of luck honey!!
  • vancil01
    vancil01 Posts: 70 Member
    Make him cook his own food. It is 2012 and guys are able to enter the kitchen now. I know for some this might be a crazy idea, but I see it all the time on the electric picture box, men in the kitchen....cooking their own food....who would've thought! Anywho, marriage is about teamwork, if you can't even work on this together....well, I hope you all don't have kids yet...
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
    Make him cook his own food. It is 2012 and guys are able to enter the kitchen now. I know for some this might be a crazy idea, but I see it all the time on the electric picture box, men in the kitchen....cooking their own food....who would've thought! Anywho, marriage is about teamwork, if you can't even work on this together....well, I hope you all don't have kids yet...
  • fieldsy4life
    fieldsy4life Posts: 155
    My coworker makes fun of the way I eat.

    He is pre-diabetic and has hypertension.

    Ughhh men! ;)
  • peles_fire
    peles_fire Posts: 501
    My husband is less-intense version of yours. I finally told him that since I do the meal planning, the shopping, and the cooking, I was going to cook what I wanted, how I wanted. He could either eat with me, or feel free to plan his own meals, shop for his own groceries and cook his own dinners. In his case, his laziness worked to my advantage and he agreed to eat with me. He has really opened up to trying new things and has finally come around a little - enough that he didn't make a fuss when I brought home whole wheat tortillas. In his case, like I said, his laziness was my ace in the hole. I knew he would never want to do all that work for himself.

    The point is, regardless of your husband, you have a responsibility to yourself to take care of your own health. I would calmly explain to your hubby that you can't continue to do it the way you are now. Try to gently explain to him how important your goals are to you and that you can't let his bad habits prevent you from being healthy. Give him the choice that he needs to fend for himself or get on board. I'm sure there are still plenty of opportunities in the day for him to eat what he wants without it negatively impacting you.

    I wish you the best of luck on this. Be strong and assertive - you can do it. And remember, your husband's choice is his own. You can't control him or force him to change. But you can set a positive example and take care of yourself!
  • Jtorres326
    Jtorres326 Posts: 157 Member
    This is hard to say: your husband wants you to fail. The changes he sees in you are scaring him to death. You and him probably partook in unhealthy eating together and now that you've changed your habits, you have disrupted his routine. What he is doing is a powerplay. He will not yield to your healthy eating habits and is hoping you will ultimately revert to his habits. He is insecure in himself and probably more so because he sees you getting fitter. Instead of joining you, he wants to drag you down. Keep doing what you need to do to be healthy. Just be aware that he could get worse and put a strain on your marriage. I had a friend who lost over 50 lbs and it made her husband so insecure he became terribly controlling. Hopefully, he will be inspired to make some changes or at the very least not make you feel bad for doing something good for yourself.
  • MJ7910
    MJ7910 Posts: 1,280 Member
    honestly i would just make what you're going to make and if he wants something else he can make it himself. that's just the way i am though... i don't go to special efforts for anyone except my daughther who is 2. my husband and i both work and are both busy so he knows i don't have time to cook him a different meal. it seems like maybe you need to "be like a mom" like others said and just tell him he has to eat what you make or make something himself. i know that sounds harsh but sometimes enough is enough.
  • RachelK40
    RachelK40 Posts: 17
    LOVE THIS QUOTE:

    I'M MAKING SOME CHANGES IN MY LIFE
    IF YOU DON'T HEAR FROM ME
    YOU'RE ONE OF THEM! :wink:
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
    One way you can think of it is... what if you HAD to eat this way? What if it's NOT optional.... for your health, you can't have the bad stuff with heavy oils, refined carbs, extra sugar, etc. What if you were actually allergic or had severe negative side effects, and required this healthier diet, instead of just making a choice to eat this way?

    To Prevent that situation from being reality (diabetes , etc), you're choosing to eat healthily now... but you say "I might end up bending" - you can't. Your body doesn't thrive on the other stuff. It's just like if you were a vegetarian/vegan and had requirements for your food. This is what your diet is and it's a big part of your life.

    I'm not sure how to balance it, but if it's what you require and you're having difficulty affording the foods YOU need to stay healthy, then you definitely need to sit down and come to an agreement.

    Stand up for yourself and don't let other people's bad habits drag you down, even if it's the person closest to you. Work with him but don't "bend" ... you're not doing either of you any favors.

    Good luck!
  • belle0226
    belle0226 Posts: 33 Member
    This is a hard situation. My ex was a lot like that. Mine went so far as to say I was killing him by not feeding him beef every night. Then came up with the idea of a vegetarian night each week but he expected fattening or overly cheesy options then too.
    I hope you can make things work for both of you. If you can get him as an ally that would be the best thing.
  • djsupreme6
    djsupreme6 Posts: 1,210 Member
    That is a challenging situation for sure but honestly if he's not going to change and bring bad stuff in the house then he's just being an obstacle to your accomplishments...which means...not being totally supportive. You would just have to try and be even stronger and persevere through it all...not sure how the conversations go but forcing him isn't necessarily a good thing...let him go on with his own thing...that grocery bill is rather expensive though...and money is a big stresser in any relationship lol...partners with totally different diet/lifestyle goals can't really meet halfway...you gotta be you..he's gotta be him...maybe he'll get it sometime
  • gatorginger
    gatorginger Posts: 947 Member
    Maybe you could try putting healthier options in your food like greek yogurt instead of sour cream without telling him. Try making his favorite foods healthier so you can eat with him. He doesn't have to know what your putting in it, as long as it taste good.

    I'm fortunate my husband eats anything and everything, my problem is he eats my healthy food on top of his junk food so when I go to get a skinney cow ice cream I find he already had several lol. I don't mind him eating them but it's not cause he is trying to lose weight he just likes them, but them he will grab chips and all kinds of other fattening things. It's hard for me because I will run out of the stuff I need to help keep my calories down faster.

    I would suggest keep trying to find healthy options that he likes and make those more often
  • cressievargo
    cressievargo Posts: 392 Member
    I was that husband for years. My wife did things to please me. If I didn't like the food I would cook my own(rarely), buy cheap fast food or buy crap snacks from the grocery store.
    My stubbornness and her enabling only prolonged the situation.....for years.
    Having kids and a tight budget did not put a stop to my affair with food.
    Your husband is being childish just like I was.
    He is afraid, comfortable and addicted.
    He may not come around to your way of thinking, it might have to be HIS idea.

    I think the longer you enable his behavior the harder it will be to lead a healthy life for you, him and any future children.
    It will be difficult, there might be fights and feelings will be hurt.
    There is no guarantee of success.
    You may not get him healthy but he can at least respect your need to be healthy.

    Something else to think about.
    If you have kids will he enable them with candy, sodas, energy drinks and other garbage?
    When mom cooks a healthy meal why bother eating it if dad will have little partners in food crime.?

    Sorry, this kinda held a mirror up to me and my habits.

    This. Do you want your kids eating like he does? Or worse, talking to you and disrespecting you like he does?

    If he is unwilling to eat what you cook - he's a full grown man - he can fend for himself. He's not a baby. Stop buying 2 sets of groceries.
  • knowwhentoshutup
    knowwhentoshutup Posts: 318 Member
    I'm not sure it's that he doesn't support me. I just don't think he realizes how difficult he makes it for me, even though I try to explain it to him. I spend about $200 on groceries EVERY WEEK (for just the two of us) and spend a good chunk of my day planning meals and cooking (even though I work full time).

    GASP! I spend just a little bit more ($250-300/month) for a family of four! I'm sure that probably has something to do with where we live, but oh my!

    As far as the situation - you can't ever give motivation to someone, they have to WANT it themselves. That goes with everything, including healthy living. My sarcastic comment would be to make sure you have good insurance, and an excellent life insurance policy. But, I know it goes beyond that.

    I can not even imagine how frustrated you must be. Not only do you have someone who doesn't want to share the healthy journey with you - you are doing all of the extra work because of it!

    Have you checked out SkinnyTaste.com? There are a ton of healthy versions of things my husband wouldn't know was healthy unless I told him!

    Good luck - and stay strong in your goals to be a healthier person. Maybe, at some point he will have a moment that makes him realize the benefits to a healthier lifestyle (for my husband - it was his mom who struggles to get around because of her numerous health issues - most of which could have been avoided with diet and exercise.)
  • cls_333
    cls_333 Posts: 206 Member
    I am a very lucky person, my husband is great. You need to be around positive people in your life. Period. If they are on a different path (i.e destructive) than you, it is hard to make it work. I could never be married to an unhealthy person. Everything in my life is about health & therefore living well. I'm not obsessed, and I don't feel it's hard, or punishment, but the very opposite. Surround yourself with good like-minded people, and don't let destructive people bring you down. Do what you gotta do for YOU. "If it is to be, It is up to me."
  • kristen6022
    kristen6022 Posts: 1,923 Member
    I'm not married and have never been, but: If he wants to eat that way, make him buy his food and cook it. He's an adult, why should you have to follow his plan? He knows where the grocery store is. This is 2012 and you aren't June Cleaver. This may be the 33 year old single person in my talking, but we are all responsible for our own decisions and no one else is ever going to change what we want. If he wants to continue gaining weight and eating crap, then let him. But you shouldn't have to work around his goal when you are on a different path.

    If you need to, have 2 different places in the kitchen: His food and your food. Then you aren't tempted to eat his food.

    Hopefully, down the road you can be a good motivation and inspiration to change his ways, but you'll never been able to change his way of thinking. Ever.
  • Moriarty_697
    Moriarty_697 Posts: 226 Member
    I'm with everyone else who says let the husband make his own food. At the very least, maybe he'll expend some calories doing that.
  • MB_Positif
    MB_Positif Posts: 8,897 Member
    I didn't read through all of the other responses, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are dealing with this! I am truly blessed to have a husband who does like healthy food (doesn't mean he won't throw down a few peanut butter cups after eating a healthy dinner, but what can you do).

    I think your best bet though is to not constantly make two separate things. Our son has some food allergies, so I occasionally alter parts of what we are having for dinner so he can basically eat the same thing as us. So maybe the main course is the same, but your husband gets a few different side dishes? One of my best friends has a husband who HATES vegetables and we had them over for dinner once and made roasted broccoli and he actually ate it and really liked it! You take fresh broccoli, chop the crowns up and toss it in olive oil, kosher salt & pepper, roast in the oven at 450 until it browns lightly. It sort of takes on that charred by the grill taste which is why her husband liked it! So maybe it would take trying to prepare vegetables differently. We also grill lots of squash & zucchini in the summer which is always yummy! Anything charred by the grill tastes good. If all else fails, but pureed carrots in the spaghetti sauce :)
  • bcampbell54
    bcampbell54 Posts: 932 Member
    If he is that opposed to eating healthy, then I would give him his portion of the grocery money and tell him that he is in charge of feeding himself and that includes cooking his own meals. Then you only have to worry about your own groceries and your own meals. When he sees that you are getting smoking hot, and he's only growing wider, he might change his tune. I'm lucky that my hubby is totally on board, but if he acting like yours, that is exactly what I would do!

    I'd go with this advice, except he isn't going to change his tune when you get smoking hot. He'll just get jealous and suspicious, because this is about something more than food, and that goes for both of you.
    Seek counseling, and both of you be prepared to accept your roles in this dysfunctionality.
  • Pete_Mann
    Pete_Mann Posts: 94
    Just come home and yell:

    THIS IS THE HEALTHY EATING TRAIN, GET ON IT, OR GET UNDER IT!

    Then when he starts to say something just start yelling

    WOO WOO!

    Yeah, that didnt work for me either, but it was fun to say.
  • carieblack619
    carieblack619 Posts: 26 Member
    My husband is the same way. He loves junk food and he says he is not going on a diet. I am worried about his health. I am buying fruits and vegetables and not junk food but he is a chef and he just eats the junk food at work. It is hard to stick with a diet when the rest of the people in your house are not eating healthy.
  • gpstrucker
    gpstrucker Posts: 930 Member
    You need to maintain harmony in your home if you want to stay married. If he isn't willing to eat healthy just accept it for now. Men can be very hard-headed and most of us hate it when someone tries to pressure us into doing something we don't want to do or aren't ready to do. We will quite often do the opposite if we feel we are being pressured.

    If you have explained to him how much you would like his help and he still doesn't help, that's all you can do short of kicking him out. Take care of yourself and your health, and let him deal with his own in his own way when he is ready.

    Try to figure out healthier foods that he is willing to eat. That way perhaps you can slowly ease him into healthier eating without him realizing it, or better yet making him think it was his idea (guys love being right). Lean cuts of meat are a great start.

    Anyone who has ever worked with mules knows that you simply can not force a mule to do anything. "Stubborn as a mule" was coined for a reason. You can lead a mule, you can coax the mule into wanting to do it, but you can't force the mule to do it. Your husband is a mule.
  • UponThisRock
    UponThisRock Posts: 4,519 Member
    Just come home and yell:

    THIS IS THE HEALTHY EATING TRAIN, GET ON IT, OR GET UNDER IT!

    Then when he starts to say something just start yelling

    WOO WOO!

    Yeah, that didnt work for me either, but it was fun to say.

    LOL

Categories