Husband is constant opposition!!
Replies
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He kind of sounds like an *kitten*. Please tell me there is something good about your marriage too.
Nice support.0 -
I have a similar thread going...
But with regard to having two different menus. I have three kids in addition to my DP. I try to eat clean 90% of the time, my kids will NEVER eat that clean. One claims she's a picky eater, the other has a severe Sensory issue that went undiagnosed and untreated he's 14 now and his dad laughed at me when I suggested he got to OT, and the youngest will eat just about anything. Then there's DP who tells me what a great cook I am one night and the next begs me to just order out.
My solution isn't two menus but the same thing one Healthy version and one not so healthy.
Pizza for example, my kids love, DP loves. I make pizza of them, I make a pizza for myself and DP that's thin crust and full of vegetables..and offer a salad.
Earlier this week we had Burbon Street Chicken, with white rice and greenbeans. Very ho hum meal, but for the kids I made a box of mac n cheese. Everyone was happy.
Tonight I plan on Quessadillas, made with whole wheat tortillas, and 2% milk cheese. I will make one for myself with roast red peppers and grilled chicken and NO sour Cream. The kids will ahve the same sans chicken and peppers.0 -
I'm going to agree with most of the other posters. Your situation is much like living with an alcoholic - you can't make him stop drinking (eating crap), but you don't have to buy and serve him the booze (crap food). He's a big boy and can make his own decisions. He can also shop for and make his own dinner if he chooses. Show him the grocery budget and tell him how much is available for his meals. You can't change him if he doesn't want to change, so don't invest any more energy in trying. Lead by example.0
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I'm not a professional, but it does sound like he may have a deeper issue to deal with. You can not own his problems. You can tell him: "I feel like you are sabotaging my healthful living goals," "I feel like you are asking me to watch you kill yourself," "I feel like...[insert statement here]." He can not argue with how you FEEL (so don't start sentences with "You are doing.." or "You are making me..."). And if he wants to argue, stop it with "I love you too much to argue about this, we'll talk more when you are able to speak to me calmly" - you don't have to go to every argument you are invited to. (Check out Love and Logic techniques here!)
Absolutely make him buy his own garbage, and make his own meals. You provide good food and meals, so he can eat them or deal with it himself. When he sees how much discretionary $ he's losing, that may be a wake-up call.
Ultimately, it's up to him to decide how he's going to live his life, you can only control your choices and your reactions to his choices.
Good luck!0 -
My husband used to behave similarly. Ultimately, I think he was scared that I was trying to lose weight so that I could leave him (never the case). Sometimes, people get comfortable and change terrifies them.
I started having him go grocery shopping with me. I told him if he didn't come with me, I didn't know what to get for him and he would have to settle for whatever I bought. We found a small grocery store that we both like (it's the community co-op). He started to get interested in the quality of the meat (he's a big carnivore) after he saw an episode of King of the Hill, oddly enough, about co-op grocery stores.
He started eating better, even will eat salad now! And the funny thing is, he gets really sick anytime he eats fast food now! He still eats candy and junk, but it's much less than it was before. He's discovered he likes to cook, and he is on board with me getting healthy. He even gets a little preachy about his parents not taking care of themselves!
So there is hope - believe me, I thought my husband would never be able to support me because he just couldn't understand, but he gets it now, and grocery shopping and cooking has become quality time for us - even on nights when we eat separate meals. Good luck! (By the way, this transition took about a year for him.)0 -
All of us have had to overcome obstacles in order to lose weight. I'm sorry that your husband, who should support you, is not helping. But I agree that harmony at home is really important... I don't think you should nag him about eating, because he's clearly not receptive to criticism. I wonder why you have to cook his meals? Let him cook his own food and do his own grocery shopping. If he complains, tell him that yes you may seem like a "food nazi" to him, but your outlook on your health has changed and so you're going to be giving it a bigger priority in your life. It's ok to tell him that you're not going to bother him about what he eats, but that if he resists anything that you want to make for yourself, he is now responsible for his own dinner.
I'm a really busy person with very little time to make dinner, but I lost weight because I found lunches and dinners that I could make ahead of time and reheat (lots of delicious soup and make-ahead salad recipes).
In order to maintain harmony (and sanity) you are probably going to have to distance yourself from your husband in terms of food and nutrition, and just accept that things are the way they are. You may make a good impression on him. All partners are resistant to change that upsets their comfort.... But I think in time he will acclimate to your healthy change and may at some point be more open to compromising with you.0 -
I am in a similar situation as you. We both go grocery shopping, 2 carts, 2 receipts but I hate that he brings home all these tempting things (cookies, chips, coke). :grumble:
Eating out causes arguments but I try getting the healthier alternative wherever we go. Makes me sad but he is just getting bigger and I hate that he doesn't make an effort to at least try to make small changes even after the doctors have told him he NEEDS to lose it. He knows he needs to make those changes b/c he has talked to me about it but keeps putting if off.
Yesterday he finally told me that he is upset about all the working out I'm doing and that I'm exaggerating everything. He doesn't object to it he's just upset I'm spending too much time exercising in general. I don't want to cave in now...I'm sticking to these new changes...they make me feel great.
I am sorry you are struggling with your hubby but if these changes are making you feel great I don't think anything should deter you from meeting your goals. Have a talk with him in a calm manner and see if that does any good. I really hope your guy sees that everything you are doing is for benefit of the both of you.
Best of luck to you lovely girl.
Please feel free to add me - we can support each other. :flowerforyou:0 -
A) Stop fixing him his own dinner...treat him like I do my kids...if you don't like what I prepared (after taking at least one bite) you can go make yourself a PB&J or a turkey sandwich....
Ignore him - if you keep up on him it will probably drive him to keep rejecting anythign you try and tell him...he has to come to the conclusion himself and change because he wants to change - just make sure his life insurance is up to date 0 -
I understand this. My OH doesnt eat great. My problem is that he (says he)doesnt like alot of vegetables etc.
He turns his nose up if I ask him to try new vegetables and its rare he says its nice. Most nights I also cook 2 meals.
I sometimes get the feeling that the vegetable didnt taste that bad but that he doesnt want to admit it may have tasted nice.
Because he is so fussy with his food he always buys in ready meals for the 4 days he's at work along with crisps and we are forever nipping to the supermarket because he's out for pop. Id say he drinks 2 litres every 2 days. All this costs us about about 50% of our shopping budget for the week. I usually buy my healthy food/veg/fruit from my own money.
He never drinks water unless there's no choice.
I think what I might do for the next month is keep track of how much we spend on ready meals/pop and crisps and compare it to what I spend on Fruit/vegetables/Healthy things. Also what comes from the shopping and what comes from our own pockets so we can realisically see exactly what we are spending.0 -
This is a REAL tough one.......I really don't know what I would do in your situation? I am incredibly lucky where my husband supports me 100% through anything I do, I just couldn't imagine him not? BUT if he didn't, it would make me more determined to make him see sense!!! I just can't fathom someone not wanting to be healthy? is he jealous of you? or just plain ignorant? I'm really sorry you are going through this, I know other women who say their partners don't compromise either and I think it is completely selfish, if you love a person don't you want them to be happy, make them happy, especially when its something like this, he should be proud you are so focused and be more supportive.....x
I'm not sure it's that he doesn't support me. I just don't think he realizes how difficult he makes it for me, even though I try to explain it to him. I spend about $200 on groceries EVERY WEEK (for just the two of us) and spend a good chunk of my day planning meals and cooking (even though I work full time). He also doesn't understand how hard it is when he always has a ton of candy and junk food lying around. He will tell me how proud he is of my determination and that I look like I've lost weight, but he wouldn't go as far as to change what HE'S doing to help me. In the past, after I'd "fallen off the wagon", I sensed relief from him because he didn't have that pressure hanging over him anymore.
Stop enabling him. The chief cook sets the menu and anyone who doesn't like it can have a bowl of cereal. In my house, that means cereal with <10g of sugar per serving -- more than that and we call it dessert.0 -
*sigh* Boy do I know what you're going through - after 30 years of marriage and a husband who also was not supportive of my many, many attempts of losing weight I finally put myself first. I've lost a total of 120lbs with the last 40 to go! Of course he loves that I've lost the weight but I still end up cooking at times 2 meals. I will say he is very easy to please and he has come around to eating what I made for myself.
It sounds selfish but you need to put yourself first, it's not easy, it wasn't for me. I would feel guilty cooking something he would like and I would end eating it. Don't fall into that trap.0 -
A lot of people are saying 'zomg how dare he, he'll eat what you cook and LIKE it or you should castrate him and serve him his balls overeasy'.
That's a pretty combative way of approaching the scenario. As she had said he does 'fend for himself'...by going out and getting junk food that she feels they cannot afford.
You mention he likes covering the healthy meals you make with cheese or ranch. Have you looked at low or no calorie ranch? Part skim cheese?
What kind of meals are you cooking? Would you be willing/able to modify them slightly if you thought that you both would enjoy them?
Faux fried chicken (greek yogurt+spicy bread crumbs and baked instead of fried)
Lean Steak and brown rice with veggies and a sweet potato
Meatloaf with lean beef and tomatoe sauce instead of ketchup with sauted onions and broccoli
Baked french fries and hamburgers stuffed with mushrooms, cheese, and onion
Take whatever you want to eat, and add bacon to it for him.
Healthy and good for you doesn't have to look like rabbit food.
As for leaving junk food all over, you could try starting by limiting the areas where such food is kept. Do you have a pantry? Give him a shelf and cover it where he can leave things he likes but that's still out of sight for you. Section off a part of the fridge, maybe one of the bottom drawers or something.
I personally feel working with the person is more likely to yeild results than going in with a 'my way or the highway' attitude.0 -
One thing I know I wouldn't do in this situation: I wouldn't enable this kind of behavior.
I know it's tough. My husband is rather similar. I told my husband point blank that I intend to eat healthier, lose weight, and gain muscle so I can be a fit individual who lives a long and happy life. He says he is on board but... I get the sighing and the nit picking at the meals, too. I don't feel sorry for him. I told him that if he wanted to eat unhealthy foods he had to make his own meal plans, go to the grocery store, buy his own foods, and prepare his own meals - while still working and supporting this family. Also, there will be less money for hobbies - no video games, no movie night with the guys, whatever. It's not my job to support his bad habits, if he wants to act that way he can make his own sacrifices to do it. Make him work for his unhealthy lifestyle and realize just how much you really do for him.
Luckily, my husband isn't as verbal with his insecurities as yours is. Saying you're a health nazi and that you're obsessed with your health while implying that isn't any way to live is only him putting his own problems onto you. He's scared. I would seek therapy so that you can work on communicating through this and hopefully bring him to the realization that if he just lets you help him while helping yourself it can benefit him greatly in the long run.
I guess I certainly have been an enabler. I guess it made me feel guilty to not provide any food for him, but I do. I provide him with healthy food, which I'm sure any person on this site would love to have someone cook them healthy meals every night! I admire your standing your ground with your husband. I need to take note.
If you do all of the grocery shopping, could you look for healthier options for the foods he enjoys? Will he snack on fruit or maybe granola bars? I do all of our shopping, and I just get what I think is best. I do buy a little junk occasionally for my "boys" (mac n cheese or something like that) but mainly, I buy what I know I'm going to want to eat. But I still include snacks, just healthier snacks.
And I don't buy sodas at all, and you know, after a week or so, no one noticed they were gone.
Of course, my husband is so happy just to have someone cook for him, that he doesn't complain And since both diabetes and heart disease run in his family, he knows I'm doing him a favor, even if he doesn't make the healthiest choices away from home. 0 -
Yeah...you're going to have to put a foot down. No one should have to "lose" in this situation. Just tell him his snacks are now limited. Too bad for him. He doesn't need to get diabetes anyhow.0
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Just come home and yell:
THIS IS THE HEALTHY EATING TRAIN, GET ON IT, OR GET UNDER IT!
Then when he starts to say something just start yelling
WOO WOO!
Yeah, that didnt work for me either, but it was fun to say.
I giggled loudly0 -
I vote you do your grocery shopping and he do his.n sorry that's a hard situation to be in. I def. wouldn't cook him a new/separate dinner. Be like a mom. You eat what I cook or starve.
Go to the doctor together! Or watch "weight of the nation" on HBO and tell him even though he aggravates you you do want to grow old with him and that starts changing diet plans. Ease into it, I bake mashes bananas into brownie mix and cut out half the oil, spinach and feta cheese omelette with tomatoes.c . . .good luck!
^This!0 -
I would have him do his own grocery shopping and own cooking. If he doesn't like what you are cooking he can make his own.0
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You are his wife, not his mother. Stop babying him! Don't buy junk food, don't make two dinners. Make a good healthy meal, he either eats it or not! Good God woman! What are you thinking! Don't make an issue of it, just do it! I have a wonderful caring husband ( of 30 yrs) who cares enough about me to fix what is healthy when he cooks. There are a couple of nights a week when I am not home for dinner - he has pizza or fast food then! Now, I know he is eating junk food sometime as he has not lost a single pound even eating healthy with me, but hey, not my problem! He doesn't do it in front of me and he doesn't store the junk food in the kitchen. Sneaky little devil!0
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Let him be who he is. You be who you want to be. Cook for you, and tell him that he is free to eat what he wants, but that you will not cook for him because you do not want to eat what he eats. Ask him to give you a grocery list, and buy for him what he asks. When he begins to take a health tumble and is doctoring for issues that his diet causes, then you will be able to help him. Otherwise, the only person you can change is you... and the only person who can change him is him!! Sometimes you have to stop trying to change a person, and accept them for who they are.... good and bad. Many times I have seen things change when this attitude is adopted. When there is opposition, there is friction. Take away the opposition and friction, and changes happen. I wish you all the best. When you sit down with your hubby, explain this with love.... let him know that you love him, but that you do not feel good eating what he eats, and he does not like what you make, so it is easier if the two of you just be " self serve" in the kitchen.0
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It really is tough. As you must have experienced yourself, motivation for change must come from within. You're doing a great job by being a good example, keep it up.
One thing that may be helpful is the type of reinforcement you give. For example, I used to negatively motivate my boyfriend to go to the gym "oh I'm afraid you'll die before me. You're losing muscle mass. You're so lazy. Your guts must be decaying" but that didn't help at all. He just got mad about the whole thing. Instead I started saying "I love it when we go to the gym together. It's like a little date *kiss*", "It's so nice to enjoy a good home cooked meal together *smiles kisses*.". "Look at you eating that nice salad, wow!".
Trying rewarding and making a good deal out of any little thing he does. Even if it's just eating meat and potatoes for dinner instead of pizza or chips. Baby steps, you can get the greens in later.
Good luck.0 -
Hi There! I understand and feel your pain. I was in a relationship that sabotaged all of my efforts to loose weight for a very long time. When I finally went to the "diet doctor" she suggested several things that worked overall and eventually brought my ex (yeah he's an ex now) to an understanding of my attempts at a healthier lifestyle:
1) Create a COMPLETELY SEPARATE area in the pantry for his snacks/bad things that you are tempted by and put a child lock on it . This way anyone that goes into the area has to make a concious effort to get into and eat the bad stuff. Just another trick to keep yourself mindful of the things you are putting in your body and give your mind a minute to ask "should I be eating this?"
2) Lead by example and emphasize how much better you feel due to your choices in food and exercise, etc. when you talk to him about your day. Try to give it a positive spin instead of a nagging guilt about his own choices. People are more apt to change bad habits when inspired by someone they love.
3) Calmly discuss how his actions make you feel and hinder your progress to make your life better and healthier. If he's not responsive to a heart-to-heart conversation about something as simple as that, then you may need to seek a professional counselor. He may have some underlying body/image issues that he isn't willing to share with you because he's uncomfortable about talking about them.
I'm sure you can figure out something that works for you. And all the advice given here has been excellent . Good Luck and stick to your guns. Only your actions can sabotage your efforts to loose weight. The people around you can make it harder, but just set your mind to it and you can accomplish your goals.
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One thing I know I wouldn't do in this situation: I wouldn't enable this kind of behavior.
I know it's tough. My husband is rather similar. I told my husband point blank that I intend to eat healthier, lose weight, and gain muscle so I can be a fit individual who lives a long and happy life. He says he is on board but... I get the sighing and the nit picking at the meals, too. I don't feel sorry for him. I told him that if he wanted to eat unhealthy foods he had to make his own meal plans, go to the grocery store, buy his own foods, and prepare his own meals - while still working and supporting this family. Also, there will be less money for hobbies - no video games, no movie night with the guys, whatever. It's not my job to support his bad habits, if he wants to act that way he can make his own sacrifices to do it. Make him work for his unhealthy lifestyle and realize just how much you really do for him.
Luckily, my husband isn't as verbal with his insecurities as yours is. Saying you're a health nazi and that you're obsessed with your health while implying that isn't any way to live is only him putting his own problems onto you. He's scared. I would seek therapy so that you can work on communicating through this and hopefully bring him to the realization that if he just lets you help him while helping yourself it can benefit him greatly in the long run.
This!!0 -
So we know the bad side, but what motivates your husband, and what does he enjoy?
Finding somehting that motivates him, is likely to be the best way to make change. Is there somehting he has always wanted to do that requires being healthy, or is he competitive?
I am fortunate in that I've always been and active and healthy person, and so is my wife, so perhaps my view isn't normal, but I think if he had a hobby that is active or had some kind of competition he may tend to be motivated to get healthy to help this.
For instance, if you guys took up an activity like tennis, would it motivate him to get fitter and healthier if you were beating him easily? Does he have any friends that have active hobbies, so he could go and do something like play basketball (I want to say rugby really, but that's not popular enough in the US yet!) with friends or a local team?
I know you said you don't have kids yet, but would that motivate him? I don't mean having kids right now, I mean considering the future ideas of setting an example and encouraging them to be healthy, playing with them (Like climbing frames and monkey bars in a playground etc..) or even just simply being alive as they grow up?
Sorry my post is a bit disjointed, I kind of just typed thoughts as they came into my head. One thing that has been mentioned and that I agree with, is that I think the carrot is likely to bring better results than the stick in this scenario.0 -
(I want to say rugby really, but that's not popular enough in the US yet!)
There are tons of men's clubs all over, particularly in major cities on the coasts. More are popping up every day.
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(I want to say rugby really, but that's not popular enough in the US yet!)
There are tons of men's clubs all over, particularly in major cities on the coasts. More are popping up every day.
For sure, I even nearly played for one too.
However from the viewpoint that England has around 2.5million registered players and the US has about 90 thousand, I would consider it not very popular, especially when you consider that the US has a population of about 300 million and England has about 70 million.
Are you a fan or a player (or both - not mutually exclusive!)?
Apologies for going off topic.0 -
I totally agree - pull what my mom did: You can eat what I cook or you can go hungry! He'll get it eventually. Cook healthy meals that help you get to your goal. He will have to get over the insecurities and man up. Do NOT give up your health to support his bad habits!! Your health and bangin' bod will be contagious!0
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Just come home and yell:
THIS IS THE HEALTHY EATING TRAIN, GET ON IT, OR GET UNDER IT!
Then when he starts to say something just start yelling
WOO WOO!
Yeah, that didnt work for me either, but it was fun to say.
LOL
LOL! Hilarious!!! :laugh:0 -
Pfft! I wouldn't make his meals, I'd tell him if he wants food he makes it himself or he eats whats being made by me because its not fair for you to have to cook 2 meals. Same of the food shopping!0
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I agree with this ^^^. Actions always speak louder than words. And, frankly, I think sometimes folks will even rebel against words if it's perceived as nagging or whatever. It's gotta be a decision from him.That's a tough situation - but it sounds as though he has no desire to change his eating habits, so trying to force him today what you eat is only going to cause friction.
If it was me I would just stop discussing it - do what you need to do, don't put any pressure on him to change. If he wants to add or takeaway from the meal, thats his decision. At least by cooking healthy meals you are providing the option for him to change when he is ready to.
I can tell you that over time you can def find a good middle ground if you work on it. I'm the husband that's kind of on the other side. Although I wouldn't say my wife eats unhealthy, I def choose a more strict eating & fitness lifestyle, especially during spring/summer. But I don't put that burden on her to accommodate me. She does most of the shopping, but it's up to me to get my requests on her list before she goes (and I usually have to be pretty specific). And often I also do a separate shopping run, but those are usually smaller. On weekdays I tend find out what the plan is for dinner ahead of time & I either have small adjustments (like substituting one of the sides) or I've learned to help her with a minor adjustment to the cooking (like throw in an extra chicken breast that won't get topped with a bunch of extras or make one the rolls wheat instead of white which I already purchased). She's fine with those minor adjustments. Also, on the weekends I do a lot of the cooking. I've found a lot of things that are good enough for me and the kids will eat too. So my wife appreciates those times. And if she just can't cook & they all want pizza or something, she just lets me know a while before hand & I make due with my own stuff.
But it's been a work in progress. And I've had to learn to think ahead & plan ahead so it doesn't just put the burden on her at the last minute (which she won't). So it can be done, just takes mutual efforts.0 -
(I want to say rugby really, but that's not popular enough in the US yet!)
There are tons of men's clubs all over, particularly in major cities on the coasts. More are popping up every day.
For sure, I even nearly played for one too.
However from the viewpoint that England has around 2.5million registered players and the US has about 90 thousand, I would consider it not very popular, especially when you consider that the US has a population of about 300 million and England has about 70 million.
Are you a fan or a player (or both - not mutually exclusive!)?
Apologies for going off topic.
Played tight head prop in high school and college (PSU). Will be getting back into it once my work circumstances allow for it.
Back on topic. For everybody saying 'eat what I cook or go hungry and deal', what's to stop him from saying 'well I'm an adult so f*** you I'll buy what I want and stock the fridge with whatever the hell I feel like and I'll eat whatever I damn well feel like. That would be my reaction to that sort of ultimatum (in case you missed it, I'm stubborn). Whether or not you 'win' this fight doesn't matter, you end up spending so much energy on it and one or both of you could just wind up resentful of the other. Why not try to work together so you're both happy (or at least less pissed at each other).
I do most of the cooking in my house, particularly the sunday bulk batch for lunches for the week. I try my best to account for both of our dietary tastes when I'm cooking, and usually come up with a middle ground where we're both happy.
It's a bit more work than 'I'm cooking what I want, you can eat it or you can p*** the f*** off', but it keeps both of us a bit happier at the end of the day.0
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