Jealous Mother
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hedwighigh
Posts: 299
Alright, my mom is obese but doesn't look bad or anything. My sister and I are both working to get healthier. Problem is that Mom is very passive aggressive towards me and my weight loss and working out. She doesn't bother my sister about it cause Mom knows that my sister won't take it and they don't see each other as frequently.
Odd thing is Mom is ALWAYS bragging about our weight loss to her friends but then she acts out when it's just me and her. For instance, she'll offer me treats or leave them out where I can see them to try and tempt me and then gets annoyed at me for rejecting her offers. The most recent passive aggressive event was when she bought be this little sweater in a large. That was nice of her and everything and she explained that she got me a large because I have broad shoulders. Okay, fine. I understand that, I do have broad shoulders. However, before I even tried it on (I knew it would fit), she went and bought the EXACT same thing in a size larger ... just in case my shoulders were too broad.... Okay, I can fit shirts in smalls and mediums. My shoulders are not THAT large. WTH? I told her I wasn't that big and she got mad at me. I think she internalized this information as me saying that people that wear those sizes (large and extra large) are automatically big. I don't think that. My shoulders are NOT that broad though.
Mom also swore up and down that I would never be able to reach a size small because women in our family always have large chests and broad shoulders. My chest reduced though and when I told her that she was wrong, she just dismissed it.
She only makes nice comments when other people are around. She's very narcissistic and everything is about her. So if me and my sister are losing weight ... it's not about us, it's about how bad that makes HER look. Me and my sister talk about weight loss all the time and Mom asked my sister what she's doing to lose weight. My sister told her that she was eating better and trying to be more active then all the excitement in Mom went away. She doesn't want to watch what she eats or figure out an exercise regime for herself. That's fine, but don't be a jerk to your daughters that have made the choice to better to their bodies.
Odd thing is Mom is ALWAYS bragging about our weight loss to her friends but then she acts out when it's just me and her. For instance, she'll offer me treats or leave them out where I can see them to try and tempt me and then gets annoyed at me for rejecting her offers. The most recent passive aggressive event was when she bought be this little sweater in a large. That was nice of her and everything and she explained that she got me a large because I have broad shoulders. Okay, fine. I understand that, I do have broad shoulders. However, before I even tried it on (I knew it would fit), she went and bought the EXACT same thing in a size larger ... just in case my shoulders were too broad.... Okay, I can fit shirts in smalls and mediums. My shoulders are not THAT large. WTH? I told her I wasn't that big and she got mad at me. I think she internalized this information as me saying that people that wear those sizes (large and extra large) are automatically big. I don't think that. My shoulders are NOT that broad though.
Mom also swore up and down that I would never be able to reach a size small because women in our family always have large chests and broad shoulders. My chest reduced though and when I told her that she was wrong, she just dismissed it.
She only makes nice comments when other people are around. She's very narcissistic and everything is about her. So if me and my sister are losing weight ... it's not about us, it's about how bad that makes HER look. Me and my sister talk about weight loss all the time and Mom asked my sister what she's doing to lose weight. My sister told her that she was eating better and trying to be more active then all the excitement in Mom went away. She doesn't want to watch what she eats or figure out an exercise regime for herself. That's fine, but don't be a jerk to your daughters that have made the choice to better to their bodies.
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my grandmother was like that. There comes a time in your life when you have to put aside those things that are not healthy for you. That, sadly, includes your mom's actions and attitudes. You know how she is and what she is going to do, so before you see her... brace yourself. Stand strong. Listen to the little voice inside of you that says "YOU ARE WRONG>>> I CAN DO IT AND I AM DOING IT!!) When she offers you treats, repeat that to yourself in your head, and make her wonder why you have that little smirk on your face...
You are worth the effort, don't let ANYONE sabatoge you! And if you need someone to talk to, friend me!0 -
I mean, I am lucky in that she's the only person that tries to knock me off at times. She just gets really mad when I get picky about food and stuff. I guess she probably thinks that if I eat treats and stuff, then that means she can too.
Doesn't work that way though. She can eat whatever she wants. I can eat whatever I want.0 -
Alright, my mom is obese but doesn't look bad or anything. My sister and I are both working to get healthier. Problem is that Mom is very passive aggressive towards me and my weight loss and working out. She doesn't bother my sister about it cause Mom knows that my sister won't take it and they don't see each other as frequently.
Odd thing is Mom is ALWAYS bragging about our weight loss to her friends but then she acts out when it's just me and her. For instance, she'll offer me treats or leave them out where I can see them to try and tempt me and then gets annoyed at me for rejecting her offers. The most recent passive aggressive event was when she bought be this little sweater in a large. That was nice of her and everything and she explained that she got me a large because I have broad shoulders. Okay, fine. I understand that, I do have broad shoulders. However, before I even tried it on (I knew it would fit), she went and bought the EXACT same thing in a size larger ... just in case my shoulders were too broad.... Okay, I can fit shirts in smalls and mediums. My shoulders are not THAT large. WTH? I told her I wasn't that big and she got mad at me. I think she internalized this information as me saying that people that wear those sizes (large and extra large) are automatically big. I don't think that. My shoulders are NOT that broad though.
Mom also swore up and down that I would never be able to reach a size small because women in our family always have large chests and broad shoulders. My chest reduced though and when I told her that she was wrong, she just dismissed it.
She only makes nice comments when other people are around. She's very narcissistic and everything is about her. So if me and my sister are losing weight ... it's not about us, it's about how bad that makes HER look. Me and my sister talk about weight loss all the time and Mom asked my sister what she's doing to lose weight. My sister told her that she was eating better and trying to be more active then all the excitement in Mom went away. She doesn't want to watch what she eats or figure out an exercise regime for herself. That's fine, but don't be a jerk to your daughters that have made the choice to better to their bodies.
Have you ever read SURVIVING THE BORDERLINE MOTHER? You should. Sorry
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Have you ever read SURVIVING THE BORDERLINE MOTHER? You should. Sorry
It's ironic that you ask that because I've read "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" and I've been told by several people that my mother has to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline. Double whammy.0 -
Have you ever read SURVIVING THE BORDERLINE MOTHER? You should. Sorry
It's ironic that you ask that because I've read "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" and I've been told by several people that my mother has to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline. Double whammy.
Ya. I have one of those mothers too. Sad, but true. Oh the stories . . . but that's why I live on the opposite side of the country from her.0 -
Have you ever read SURVIVING THE BORDERLINE MOTHER? You should. Sorry
It's ironic that you ask that because I've read "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" and I've been told by several people that my mother has to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline. Double whammy.
Ya. I have one of those mothers too. Sad, but true. Oh the stories . . . but that's why I live on the opposite side of the country from her.
Yea, she's always had a rather strained relationship with my sister while she tries to control the heck out of me. But then she just doesn't seem to understand why I'm moving 4 hours away from her.0 -
Sometimes we get stuck having to make those hard decisions of standing up for yourself more or staying away for awhile until she is willing to treat you with more respect. My ex's mother is only truly happy when one of her kids fail so she can feel superior. It's really sick and because of it my ex only sees her once or twice every two years.
Speaking for myself, I have a very low tolerance for that crap and I make it very clear (firm not mean) that I will not be treated that way and if they cannot handle it then it is on them not me.0 -
perhaps you need to come up with one statement that you say to her each and every time she puts you down (in a nice way or a nasty way).
something like, "if you don't have something positive to say, don't say it".
or "wow mum, you really hurt my feelings when you said that".
figure it out, and repeat it, exactly the same comment every single time she tries to beat you down with her little daggers (words). Once she hears the repetition, surely it's gotta click with her.
like my mum used to say "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all".0 -
I am soo sorry that some of our family members or friends want to rain on our parade. My mom is the same way. Thank God we dont live near each other. She tries to sabotage me all the time. She knows I am trying to make changes in my eating habits and pushes food on me anyways. I can I tell you that if I hear one more person say that youll never be a certain size because your genes make you big...I swear ill scream!! I dont understand why they feel the need to be that way. Jealousy maybe. Let that however fuel you to push harder than ever. I have started laughing at some of the stupid comments my mom makes to me. I used to cry cause it hurt me so bad. She bought me some dress pants for Christmas and held them out and said these are some big a%% pants, do you think they will fit or are they too small. Hell they look like parachute pants. Laugh or cry....hmmmm I say to myself you just wait...youll see I WILL DO THIS...!!0
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Me and my sister don't take it either. That's why Mom will go on and on sometimes about how her daughters don't like her. Well... she didn't give us much of a choice. Can't help it if you treat your oldest daughter like crap and then have a ball and chain on your younger daughter ... who is an adult. She's the victim though. That's how it always works. You just sorta get used to it and do your best to stay away from her.0
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I'm not so sure my mom's jealous, but sounds similar to that. I've just started my long, journey, but I've lost ten lbs and I told my mom she should do something about getting healthy as well. She got mad at me and told me what was I doing about my health. I told her, well I'm working on it. She dismissed my current weight loss and said, Oh please, just those ten lbs. That really hurt. We got over it and I know my mom has her moments, and she's constantly telling me before that she'd like to see me healthier, but not that I'm trying to, she isn't being much actual support. She brings all types of stuff home, eats anything in front of me and disregards my different eating habits by saying oh its ok, you can have this, or one time you do this, you'll be fine, things like that. And I know for myself, I should just not have a bite, because it'll be harder for me to stay away.0
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I am soo sorry that some of our family members or friends want to rain on our parade. My mom is the same way. Thank God we dont live near each other. She tries to sabotage me all the time. She knows I am trying to make changes in my eating habits and pushes food on me anyways. I can I tell you that if I hear one more person say that youll never be a certain size because your genes make you big...I swear ill scream!! I dont understand why they feel the need to be that way. Jealousy maybe. Let that however fuel you to push harder than ever. I have started laughing at some of the stupid comments my mom makes to me. I used to cry cause it hurt me so bad. She bought me some dress pants for Christmas and held them out and said these are some big a%% pants, do you think they will fit or are they too small. Hell they look like parachute pants. Laugh or cry....hmmmm I say to myself you just wait...youll see I WILL DO THIS...!!
I'm sorry she did that to you. I think the main reason my mom never really made comments when I was big was because she was big too. Now, I've lost a lot of weight and she's still where she's always been so she makes comments about being "too skinny" or makes comments about being obsessed and such. Whatever, I know people say that "Mother knows best" but sometimes that's just not the case.0 -
Old habits are hard to break. I'm experiencing some of the same stuff. Don't you want a cookie or some ice cream? Mmmmm. We just have to over look it and go on.0
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People find it very, very frightening when you do something to change an old, established pattern. Your mom is used to you being fat like her. She is afraid of the changes that will inevitably occur if you insist on going ahead with this wild, crazy, wacky new course of action. (And of course you will go ahead, won't you? Stay strong!) She doesn't know what it will mean if you change. Will you still want to be with her? Will you abandon her? Will you want to do different things from the things you have always done? Will SHE have to change HER ways?! The mere thought of you really changing pretty much has her in a complete tizzy, I bet.
So yeah. Perhaps without even knowing what she's doing, she is doing what we call "change-back behavior." This is quite usual, actually, and it happens to almost everyone who is trying to change a long-established pattern: the other people in the pattern will typically put out some change-back behavior.
All your mom really needs to know is that you still love her and you always will. That will help her calm down as you transition to your new lifestyle. But you don't need to put up with any crap. Just stay polite and kind. Just say, "no thank you" to the bad foods, or "I'm not really hungry right now." You are your own person, so don't let her control your emotions.0 -
I know how you feel. My mom wants to lose weight and we talked about what I'm doing. She says she should only eat 1200 calories and I'm like no way can you eat that few calories, you'll be starving. Then she goes on and on about carbs and proteins and I just don't know how to track it all and what it all means. I told her to get on here and track her food but it's "I'm not good on the computer." I told her I'd teach her but she has yet to take me up on the offer. She also mentioned a diet pill which I was all "NO WAY!" I even said we should go to the local college and work out a few times together a week. It's always nice to workout with someone else. I told her when she's serious about losing weight, call me, we can do it together. Still waiting for that call.
Last weekend we went out for lunch after my husband's graduation and she proceeded to order deep friend shrimp which came as a heaping plate full, probably 12-14 shrimp and ate the whole thing and could tell she as absolutely stuffed afterwards. Really mom? You want to lose weight?? She has so many health issues that would go away if she'd just make the commitment.
What probably hurt me the most is that she didn't even notice any difference in me. I've lost inches and pounds, how could my mother not notice? So frustrating!0 -
Yea, she's always had a rather strained relationship with my sister while she tries to control the heck out of me. But then she just doesn't seem to understand why I'm moving 4 hours away from her.
Hmmm... That sounds like the healthiest lifestyle change you'll make in your life.
I'm sorry you have to deal with her passive aggressiveness, but it's good that you can see it for what it is and are working to get out of the toxic environment. 0 -
Honestly speaking, my mother is just as horrible. For a list of reasons in addition to this, I stopped visiting her altogether. Its been almost a year. I dont need the negativity. I have enough of challenges in my life to work on and deal with and she is one less person in the picture.
Related or not, they have no right treating you like garbage.0 -
I sympathize with you...after getting on MFP...reading people's struggles with family not being supportive...im starting to think my mom doesnt want me to lose weight.
Just the other day i talked to her on skype and she sounded so condescending when i talked about finally starting to lose weight . She turned the conversation back to her again.
i love her but i so dont trust her ....she seems to try to sabotage my every effort and each time i see her, she tries to 'feed me up' and then make horribly nasty comments about my weight.
something about moms and daughters.....i wonder why i get along so brilliantly with my dad.:frown:
and i live half way across the world from my parents!0 -
CONGRATULATIONS on losing all that weight! Sorry your mom is crazy. I think lots of people deal with this, to differing extremes... you are right about people who are always the victim, it always comes back to being your fault somehow. It makes it very difficult to take these sorts of people seriously.0
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Honestly speaking, my mother is just as horrible. For a list of reasons in addition to this, I stopped visiting her altogether. Its been almost a year. I dont need the negativity. I have enough of challenges in my life to work on and deal with and she is one less person in the picture.
Related or not, they have no right treating you like garbage.
This right here.
It took me lots of therapy to realize that I don't have to tolerate family when they are being downright mean and nasty.
You can choose how much or how little you want your mom in your life. If it takes you to say "Thanks, but my weight loss and methods aren't up for debate" - than so be it. I have family members that have health issues, but they don't do anything about it. It's frustrating, but there's really nothing you can do.
I tell my friends that right now I'm working on making MYSELF better, a better version of ME and *kitten* everyone else. I want to be a great example to my kids and am using the negative in my life to help me build healthy relationships with both of my children.
Good luck!0
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