Support/guidance or hurt feelings?

Focus on the health aspect. I agree with the previous poster, take charge of the kitchen and don't let in unhealthy food.

Take the time to go on walks with your daughter, bike rides, play tennis, basically any type of a hobby that gets the two of you moving together.

At 13 she is definitely aware of being bigger than the girls around her, and it probably makes her really uncomfortable and she doesn't like to be called out on it. But she also may not know how to fix it. If she sees you looking slimmer she will want to follow your example, but you need to have a positive attitude about the process.

And find a new doctor, one that knows how to talk to her about her weight without making it seem like something that is completely drastic. Maybe a doctor that suggests more activity and veggies.

Everyone has said pretty much what I was going to:

Remove bad food options.
Exercise WITH her - doing FUN things! As a Zumba instructor I'm of course really partial to that, but walks, tennis, bike rides, a game of tag, swimming, playing catch/frizbee....there are so many options!

One thing I think I would do if I were in your position - instead of ice cream try frozen yogurt or sherbert. You know kids are NOT going to want to eliminate sweets from their diet - so instead of being a dictator about it, offer healthier choices. Keep fresh fruit in the house - melons are great in the summer. Add a touch of Coolwhip (it's also great frozen!) once in a while as a "special" treat.

One fun "dessert" that I have enjoyed - and did this with my ex's kids - get those little Ziplock reusable containers for dressings and such. Fill the cups 2/3 with Jell-O mix (as prepared on the package). Once solidified add Coolwhip to the top. Now you have about 6 pre-made dessert cups that she can take with her to school! Or you to work!

PM me if you'd like more food ideas for kids....I have a bunch!

By the way - once she sees BOTH of you getting healthier and slimming down, she will probably be less inclined to use those "fad diets" or "quick fixes" she's seeing on TV. Spending the summer with both of you getting healthier and in better shape will be great - when she goes back to school she will have begun to see these positive changes and may go back with a renewed sense of confidence!

How do I help and not hurt?

Your daughter will not learn so much from what you say with words- as what you do- to her and to you. She will learn her worth from how you treat her and how you treat you.
So... focus on the positive- only. Don't let the seductive bad foods in the house, and if she asks why it is because "I love you."
Get her to help you with your work out, or bicycling or swimming. When she does one push up, even on the knees- PRAISE her mightily. Tell her how impressed you are with her accomplishment. Kids love sports- find one she likes and do it with her. She wants your attention, which I know, is in great demand from everyone and everything. But giving it to her tells her she is very important, loved, valuable = better self esteem.
We don't get self esteem from ourselves. We get it from the start with how others treat us... that is where we learn our worth.
Children, and people in general, respond so well to praise... positive attention. It is why MFP works- She will want to hear the praise again, and in time, she-herself will feel proud of making healthy choices and of her physical strength... and mental strength.
Try to catch her in the act of making healthy choices- and when you do, immediately praise her and reward her. The praise is usually enough, but fattening, sugary foods feel rewarding- so, healthy rewards are nice to offset the competition.

Good luck.
Thanks for being a good mom.
8)

Oh! I forgot. Bengal Spice Tea- delicious, naturally sweet, and excellent at taming the blood sugar issues. Does not have to be 'brewed' or refrigerated. Just get a glass jug and put a tea bag in it, she can drink it throughout the day or with meals.
Cinnamon:
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2010/10/12/more-evidence-cinnamon-helps-control-blood-sugar.aspx

I agree this is a tough topic. I too was overweight at puberty and suffered "bullying" with name calling and being the last to be picked for teams in phys ed class.

I would suggest that you talk to her about healthy lifestyle that you would like to lead and ask her to help you and the two of you could be a "healthy mom/daughter" team. shop together/plan weekly meals together/ cook together /get her on my fitness pal/ join WW meetings together / exercise together / join zumba together or get dvds from the library to exercise to / go on walks before or after dinner

I did this with my mom and we were very successful. now I am 45 and after a couple years of sedentary lifestyle - some weight has come back and that is why i am on mfp - we were successful and it built healthy habits for me

Hi, I just saw your post on trying to help your teen age daughter. When my daughter was a teenager she was about 30 lbs over weight. WE all exercised except her. Now she did play on the volley ball team and keep active on a cabbage ball team in the summer but that just wasn't enough. Her brothers even tried talking to her because they were athletic and knew she needed to lose weight also. All it did was make her mad and hurt her feelings..
I had to step back and let her make her mind up. It was a very hard thing to do. I just would go walking/jogging with my friends in the evening and ask if she wanted to come..We kept trying to be an example for her and have her think it was a fun/good thing to do for herself.
Nothing seemed to work. It wasn't untill she turned about 26 years old that she got this ecoli problem and it forced her to lose weight because she couldn't eat anything and keep it in her system for long. She basically got off Meat and started being a vegetarian. She lost about 60 lbs. But that lasted about a year. She then started gaining back again. She is now almost the same weight as she was before she lost the 60 lbs. She does try to exercise some but not consistant. I feel very bad for her because she is a beautiful woman with a weight issue.
All Im really trying to say is until she feels like she has the WANT to, you can only do so much. Sometimes being around girls or peers will help her get on track..Other times its a self image thing.
I would try to build up her image with love and help her feel secure in you.That you love her no matter what. She will catch on eventually and try to do something for herself. If she has been to the Dr and they say that her thyroid is find and hormones are fine then its just something she has to decide for herself. Shaming her only makes it worse.
I feel for you because diabetes runs in our family and we have to be weight conscious. Sugar Conscious..Cholesterol Conscious. My daughter is even on this all natural kick right now and still isn't losing weight. It really comes back to portion control and calories and exercise. She is looking up things on the internet all the time now. It is in her own way and own timing that she is working on her weight and health. She is 31 now..
I wish you the best. Just try to encourage her as much as possible..
Roberta

Be a parent and a friend. Be her biggest support/ motivator.

Lead by example but don't be so "on fire" that it seems too hard to follow your lead.

Be honest with her.

Need opinions - As an overweight parent trying to work on getting healthier myself and set a better example, I am torn on how to help my teenage daughter. This did not seem to be an issue with teenage boys, so I am struggling with a teenage girl's mood swings and self-esteem. She is 13 and has put on quite a bit of weight since puberty and Dr. is concerned about her sugar levels. How do I let her know I am concerned about her health, not her size.
So where is the line between:
1 - guidance/leading by example, helping her to make better choices on diet, giving her opportunities for more exercise, etc, being supportive.
2 - making her feel bad about her weight, being dictator over her food, forcing her to exercise, crushing her self esteem and sending her into eating disorder.

She already doesn't want to go back to Drs. office because they always bring up her weight. I know it is their job but work with me here people. I don't disagree with daughter because I feel the same way at Dr. office - I always tell nurse to take my blood pressure BEFORE she weighs me because it will go up when I get near the scales. I'm trying to teach her that watching your diet is NOT a diet but a lifestyle change of healthy food choices and getting moving. And of course she sees all the quick fixes that are shown on TV so I worry that she may try one of those on her own as she gets older.

It's hard when I hear myself telling her these things, but I know personally they are hard to do on a daily basis or I wouldn't have to be on this site myself. I have issues from things said to me when I was her age but in hind site, perhaps my parent was just trying to help me make better choices and I took it all wrong but it still hurt.

How do I help and not hurt?

When I was her age, I was going through the same exact thing. My Dad got me to start jogging with him. I would only be able to go a few feet at a time, but his encouragment of "to the next sign" "to the light post and you're done!" were the boost I needed. he also told me the names he was called and bullies that came after him in school, and how he didn't want to see that happening to me.

My daughter is 15 and I have the same issues with her. She now weighs more than I do. She over eats everything, since she was small we don't keep anything unhealthy in the house because it would be gone as soon as we weren't looking. She sneaks food and refuses to do anything active. I am at a loss as to how to help her. She is so defiant in every aspect of her life, but her weight is really the thing that I worry about the most.
I hope you get some good ideas/suggestions because I would also like to know the answers

I was exactly the same way when I was a kid. It wasn't until I went to see a councilor when I was in my 20s for something comepletly unrelated (I thought - after a really bad break-up) that I figured it out. My eating had nothing to do with food - it was my complete lack of self-esteem, and it was a problem I had been struggling with (and still am) since I hit puberty. I would suggest getting your kid to talk to someone (a councilor or other professional) who knows about self esteem and body image. Once I started feeling better about myself as a human being, I started seeing that my weight was a problem and that I needed to do something for my health.

I really wish my parents had done that for me, instead of just nagging me all the time (and the nagging was about more than just my weight, but that's another topic for another time). I love my parents, but they handled it all wrong. I'm old enough now to know it's not really about the food, but now every meal has become struggle, and no one wants to live like that.

As for the original poster, I would add to everyone's suggestions about controling the food in the house by suggesting that you get her interested in a sport she likes (my parents tried to force me into all kinds of team "girl" sports when what I would have been really happy doing was martial arts or cycling or running, so I just stopped being active all together), even if it's just walking the dog every night. It might take a while to figure it out, but, again, I wish someone would have done that for me. Also, it won't hurt to include her in the decision making process about food. Take her shopping with you and include her in reading labels and being aware of what she puts in her body. Again, going back to my childhood, I was told things were "bad" but that just made me want to sneak them. No one ever taught me about calories or sugar/fat or why you shouldn't eat a whole box of Oreos.

Hope all that helps!

Watch documentaries with her like "Supersize Me" and "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead". That might help to open her eyes about her eating choices. Also, see if you can help her find an activity (i.e. hiking, roller blading, etc...) or sport that she enjoys and encourage her to get involved and active. Try to find ways to make learning to make healthy choices fun and engaging. Set up a chart and tell her that, over the course of the summer, she gets a nickel for every serving of fruit or veggies she eats (up to the maximum recommended per day), a quarter for every day that she doesn't eat any junk food or fast food, a nickel for every 8oz of water she drinks, and 50 cents for every hour of exercise (i.e. walking, jogging, calisthenics, strength training, aerobics, etc...). Then tell her that the money she "earns" can be used toward her back-to-school shopping in the fall.