My sister is getting on my last nerves [rant/needs advice]

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Replies

  • hedgiie
    hedgiie Posts: 1,226 Member
    i'm sorry to for this trying times for you. i admire that your staying strong such that your not losing yourself hence getting fit and going to school.

    speaking from the point of view of a parent, mind you i'm a parent for 20 and 10 both boys. it's their responsibility to keep the family strong and intact no matter what the problems would be. yes, there are times that your parents might decide to leave the problems but that's not the right way to do it. however, seeing that your sister is having a therapy, i can see progress here. but i don't understand why your not allowed to talk to a theraphyst, i'm guessing is that it might intrude the treatment or progress or to minimize the impact perhaps there are good reason for that.

    i'm guessing that your sister is younger? perhaps it's just some adolecent problems? anyway, there are probably all sort of reasons and it is too complicated. so whatever you read, take it with the grain of salt.
  • LuLuSUPER
    LuLuSUPER Posts: 189
    Sometimes, you just have to strangle a b1tch.

    EXACTLY!! You dont need to run tel the cops, therapist, your neighbor or anyone. Catch her off by herself one day and whoop that *kitten*! obviously no one has ever stood up to her. when she flare up again , you flare up again and let her know its not goin down like that when she is dealing with you!

    i wish a younger sibling would act like they can run the whole house, it would be a brand new day when they woke up!
    She has no understanding of consequences and taking advantage of you and tour ill father. beat that *kitten*:explode:
  • BlueDahlia77
    BlueDahlia77 Posts: 77
    but they worry about the level of harshness I have towards her/

    I am too.
    She needs help, it's obvious

    You and your family need to get her help, if her current therapist is not helping, then get another. Go to family counseling if need be.

    Things like this take time, and effort for everyone involved. I am sorry that your sister acts this way, I really am. But your level of harshness is painfully obvious, and not helping anyone

    Again, the OP is not being harsh. She's seeking advice and unsure of what to do.
  • emccand
    emccand Posts: 195 Member
    Wow your sister sounds crazy, and your parents sound like they would rather pretend the problems arent there then deal with them. I feel so bad for you. Can you go live with your mom? That way you would be away from your sister, and you can still make plans to spend time with your dad just the 2 of you so you dont have to be around her. I agree with some of the other posters, tell her off and/or kick her *kitten*, she is your sister and she needs to be put in place. Next time she physically assaults you call the cops and tell them you want to press charges, dont take no for an answer, you have a right to press charges if someone is abusing you. Maybe a little tough love is what she needs, tape her acting like a biotch and post it on fb for all her friends and teachers to see.... that might change her attitude a bit.
  • reddi2roll
    reddi2roll Posts: 356 Member
    Now, in my honest opinion, she can only treat you how you LET her treat you. Make it clear you won't tolerate the nasty and immature behavior, walk away, move out, go live someplace else. Don't do anything for her, but do protect yourself. Life is tooo short to live with someone like that.

    This. Toxic people like to spread their toxin to everyone else so everyone can be as miserable as they are. You don't have to accept that behavior and if you do you are sort of enabling her to continue.

    I am sorry that your family has experience such upheaval and there are probably some valid reasons for your sister's behavior but valid reasons are not a justification for the behavior to continue. Hopefully, with continued therapy, maturity, and a lack of people accepting her behavior she will realize there are other, more positive ways, to get attention. If not she will be saddled with a life long drama and unhappiness. When she is acting appropriately let her know by interacting with her that you like her when she acts in a positive way.

    So, it is really up to YOU to change YOUR behavior when HER behavior is not acceptable. If you can't leave your current living situation you might need to put a lock on your door so you are not available to her unless she is positive and supportive and you may need to let her know why you are doing this so she understands that in order to be able to have a relationship with you her behavior needs to change.

    Good job trying to get healthy again and good luck with your sister.
  • 2jayjaysmom
    2jayjaysmom Posts: 248 Member
    I know this might sound simple but has anyone ever really really asked her why she is acting this way?
    Just ask then sit and actaully listen to her...If she is "normal" outside of the house then she may feel like she is not getting enough attention at home. She may resent the fact of the new child (brother being adopted) and just not know what to do about it. the fact that you are peacefull with him maybe the reason she is mean to you.

    You may need to talk to someone also...Tell her even though you are mean to me I still love you, then show her/act like you really love her. You don't have to like how she acts to still love her. With your parents divorcing this may also be hard for her to deal with emotionally. 14 is still a child and yes she maybe aware of the things she is doing but not really understand how to deal with her emotions. When you sit back and look at it---when she is acting this way ALL of the attention is now on her....

    Hey little sis--I don't like the way you are acting but I still love you---Hey Sis why are you acting so mean lets talk about this

    Yes she will not want to at first but if you keep it up and she feels that you are being "real" about it she will start to talk

    Side note: unhappy people do/say/act in unhappy ways
  • Lauren8239
    Lauren8239 Posts: 1,039 Member
    Has her behaviour gotten worse since your father got sick?
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
    I know this might sound simple but has anyone ever really really asked her why she is acting this way?
    Just ask then sit and actaully listen to her...If she is "normal" outside of the house then she may feel like she is not getting enough attention at home. She may resent the fact of the new child (brother being adopted) and just not know what to do about it. the fact that you are peacefull with him maybe the reason she is mean to you.

    You may need to talk to someone also...Tell her even though you are mean to me I still love you, then show her/act like you really love her. You don't have to like how she acts to still love her. With your parents divorcing this may also be hard for her to deal with emotionally. 14 is still a child and yes she maybe aware of the things she is doing but not really understand how to deal with her emotions. When you sit back and look at it---when she is acting this way ALL of the attention is now on her....

    Hey little sis--I don't like the way you are acting but I still love you---Hey Sis why are you acting so mean lets talk about this

    Yes she will not want to at first but if you keep it up and she feels that you are being "real" about it she will start to talk

    Side note: unhappy people do/say/act in unhappy ways


    This is the best post in this thread....Thank you.
  • jenlarz
    jenlarz Posts: 813 Member
    14 year old girls tend to think they are alone in how they feel. Its just part of the teenage years. She has been given lots of attention and little boundaries. Your parents divorce and dads cancer and a move to a new place pull her out of the limelight and she maybe doesn't know how to find attention the right way. Also, if she is been always given what she wants and people start imposing limits on her it can be felt like the love is also being pulled away. There are so many things behind behavior like this. It is sad and frustrating when it feels like you can't do anything. I say try and ignore the bad behavior and encourage more positive things.
  • samf36
    samf36 Posts: 369 Member
    If she is causing you physical/mental harm then contact the local woman's crisis center. You deserve a place to stay that is safe and free of harm.
  • Audddua
    Audddua Posts: 176 Member
    Sometimes, you just have to strangle a b1tch.

    EXACTLY!! You dont need to run tel the cops, therapist, your neighbor or anyone. Catch her off by herself one day and whoop that *kitten*! obviously no one has ever stood up to her. when she flare up again , you flare up again and let her know its not goin down like that when she is dealing with you!

    i wish a younger sibling would act like they can run the whole house, it would be a brand new day when they woke up!
    She has no understanding of consequences and taking advantage of you and tour ill father. beat that *kitten*:explode:
    I'm sure this is really tempting, but I think it's a bad idea. If you lower yourself to her level she'll just beat you with experience.
  • rjt1000
    rjt1000 Posts: 700 Member
    My sister has always been difficult. When she was little, she had a lazy eye that caused her massive migraines, which meant my parents let her get away with anything. Now she's 14 and the worst human being I know. My parents got divorced this year, and she is he only one who sees it as some sort of "war". It was an amicable divorce, my parents still talk, they just don't love each other (and both have mentioned in confidence to me that she is one of the major reasons the divorce happened). She, however, has decided she hates my mother, will not speak to her, and speaks openly of only using her so she can go ride at the stable near my mom's house. She has made this year very difficult for my mom at work (she attends the school my mom teaches at) and nearly lost my mom her job.

    We sold the house, and I'm living with my dad for a while. She also lives there. Every day I have been here she comes down from her room (where she stays all day) screams at me for being a leech, tells me I'm on mom's side and only here for the internet connection, and is generally nasty. She mocks me for going to the gym, mocks me for watching my weight, and threatens to have my dad kick me out. I'm 19 in a month, for the record, and I usually live alone at college.

    I go out and do things with my mom when I can because I like spending tie with her. Each time ends in me coming home to my sister screaming and throwing things. My dad (who, by the by, is recovering from cancer) doesn't want to deal with her bull and so just placates her, which makes her worse and more entitled. I love living here, I love my father, but my sister's violent temper (part of the reason she is with my dad is because my parents don't want her near my little brother, whom she has threatened to kill in the past) is making me want to go- and going means I will rarely, if ever, see him.

    She's a nasty, spoiled brat. She's in therapy, but my dad won't let me speak to the therapist to alert her to these issues. I'm losing my mind. What do I do?

    maybe a strange question but why did you post this in ChitChat Fun and Games? And seriously, why ask for advice for this type of situation on a website that's geared towards healthy eating and weight loss?

    I'm going out on a limb here but something doesn't add up here......
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
    We've tried calling the police. Once again, they do not come unless the person is homicidal or suicidal. Especially if that person is a 14 year old girl. She knows what line not to cross and she doesn't cross it. She's been evaluated for mental illness. Nothing. Outside of the home, she is perfectly normal and sweet, so losing control is not an issue. She has a therapist and a psychiatrist. We're trying to fix things.

    I would contact the therapist, but I have no way to get her email address or phone number. I've discussed this in an adult manner with both of my parents, and they know my concerns are real, but they worry about the level of harshness I have towards her/

    So the police won't come even though your sister is assaulting others? Sounds like a major problem to me.

    And outside of the home - is it genuine or fake? Do you think she really has two different temperaments or is one of them an act?
  • LelliAmi
    LelliAmi Posts: 327 Member
    Well 14 is generally an awful age for younger sisters. I know. I have one. She was awful, and hasn't gotten too much better. Really, the best thing to do is to have both your parents explain to her that it was a mutual decision to get a divorce. As for threatening to kill your brother...that sounds like something way more troubling than just routine divorce issues that kids deal with. She could be manic/depressive or even mildly schizophrenic (hearing voices isn't always what identifies it, as many people believe.)

    I really think that despite your father's wishes, you should seek to disclose any information you have to your sister's therapist as it could be key to diagnosing an underlying issue. I sincerely hope things get better for you and your family.

    Good luck.

    -Lindsay.
  • Reinventing_Me
    Reinventing_Me Posts: 1,053 Member
    Sometimes, you just have to strangle a b1tch.

    THIS!

    I would have whipped her *kitten* by now. I don't generally advocate violence and fighting, but sometimes people just need to be dealt with in the same manner they deal with you. I know she has some issues and needs help but jeez...She's a bully and most bullies leave you alone when you stand up to them.
  • rjt1000
    rjt1000 Posts: 700 Member
    My sister has always been difficult. When she was little, she had a lazy eye that caused her massive migraines, which meant my parents let her get away with anything. Now she's 14 and the worst human being I know. My parents got divorced this year, and she is he only one who sees it as some sort of "war". It was an amicable divorce, my parents still talk, they just don't love each other (and both have mentioned in confidence to me that she is one of the major reasons the divorce happened). She, however, has decided she hates my mother, will not speak to her, and speaks openly of only using her so she can go ride at the stable near my mom's house. She has made this year very difficult for my mom at work (she attends the school my mom teaches at) and nearly lost my mom her job.

    We sold the house, and I'm living with my dad for a while. She also lives there. Every day I have been here she comes down from her room (where she stays all day) screams at me for being a leech, tells me I'm on mom's side and only here for the internet connection, and is generally nasty. She mocks me for going to the gym, mocks me for watching my weight, and threatens to have my dad kick me out. I'm 19 in a month, for the record, and I usually live alone at college.

    I go out and do things with my mom when I can because I like spending tie with her. Each time ends in me coming home to my sister screaming and throwing things. My dad (who, by the by, is recovering from cancer) doesn't want to deal with her bull and so just placates her, which makes her worse and more entitled. I love living here, I love my father, but my sister's violent temper (part of the reason she is with my dad is because my parents don't want her near my little brother, whom she has threatened to kill in the past) is making me want to go- and going means I will rarely, if ever, see him.

    She's a nasty, spoiled brat. She's in therapy, but my dad won't let me speak to the therapist to alert her to these issues. I'm losing my mind. What do I do?

    maybe a strange question but why did you post this in ChitChat Fun and Games? And seriously, why ask for advice for this type of situation on a website that's geared towards healthy eating and weight loss?

    I'm going out on a limb here but something doesn't add up here......

    and I'm going further out on a limb by calling shenanigans on this thread. I just don't believe it. You say she's violent but in another post you say you don't want to call the cops on a 14 year old for throwing a few elbows. You don't want to call CPS because they'll take your adopted brother first? He lives with your mom, you and sis live with your dad so why would CPS involve your brother? She's threatened to kill your brother and your parents believe that enough to keep her in separate house from him BUT they don't believe you that she's got serious problems and is a danger to you?

    And again, you post this in Chit-Chat fun and games category in a weight loss website. I DON'T BUY IT.
  • glennstoudt
    glennstoudt Posts: 403 Member
    My sister has always been difficult. When she was little, she had a lazy eye that caused her massive migraines, which meant my parents let her get away with anything. Now she's 14 and the worst human being I know. My parents got divorced this year, and she is he only one who sees it as some sort of "war". It was an amicable divorce, my parents still talk, they just don't love each other (and both have mentioned in confidence to me that she is one of the major reasons the divorce happened). She, however, has decided she hates my mother, will not speak to her, and speaks openly of only using her so she can go ride at the stable near my mom's house. She has made this year very difficult for my mom at work (she attends the school my mom teaches at) and nearly lost my mom her job.

    We sold the house, and I'm living with my dad for a while. She also lives there. Every day I have been here she comes down from her room (where she stays all day) screams at me for being a leech, tells me I'm on mom's side and only here for the internet connection, and is generally nasty. She mocks me for going to the gym, mocks me for watching my weight, and threatens to have my dad kick me out. I'm 19 in a month, for the record, and I usually live alone at college.

    I go out and do things with my mom when I can because I like spending tie with her. Each time ends in me coming home to my sister screaming and throwing things. My dad (who, by the by, is recovering from cancer) doesn't want to deal with her bull and so just placates her, which makes her worse and more entitled. I love living here, I love my father, but my sister's violent temper (part of the reason she is with my dad is because my parents don't want her near my little brother, whom she has threatened to kill in the past) is making me want to go- and going means I will rarely, if ever, see him.

    She's a nasty, spoiled brat. She's in therapy, but my dad won't let me speak to the therapist to alert her to these issues. I'm losing my mind. What do I do?
    tr
    Dear,

    Bless you for your fortitude in sharing and patience.
    You are fine and will be.
    What you are trying to figure out is stuff that you don't have any control over.
    That is tough. As callous as it seems, you need to be, in my view, a tough lover.
    Your parents need support, not more problems. Your sister may respond to nothing at this point. That is the vacuum of 14 year old sensibility. You have been one recently. Draw on that experience.
    I know it is extremely difficult to worry about what you can't control, so don't.
    Provide as much support as you can, but that's it.
    Share your love, but don't squander it.
    Stay well.
  • dad106
    dad106 Posts: 4,868 Member
    I'd prefer not to call the cops on a 14 year old girl who throws a few elbows.

    Right and one day when it becomes more then throwing a few elbows..then what are you going to do?

    She's 14.. it's not like she will be facing hard time or anything. She needs to know though that it is not OK to assault others and get away with it.. there has to be some sort of consequence and if the police is the answer, then so be it.
  • smartandtrim
    smartandtrim Posts: 123 Member
    My sister has always been difficult. When she was little, she had a lazy eye that caused her massive migraines, which meant my parents let her get away with anything. Now she's 14 and the worst human being I know. My parents got divorced this year, and she is he only one who sees it as some sort of "war". It was an amicable divorce, my parents still talk, they just don't love each other (and both have mentioned in confidence to me that she is one of the major reasons the divorce happened). She, however, has decided she hates my mother, will not speak to her, and speaks openly of only using her so she can go ride at the stable near my mom's house. She has made this year very difficult for my mom at work (she attends the school my mom teaches at) and nearly lost my mom her job.

    We sold the house, and I'm living with my dad for a while. She also lives there. Every day I have been here she comes down from her room (where she stays all day) screams at me for being a leech, tells me I'm on mom's side and only here for the internet connection, and is generally nasty. She mocks me for going to the gym, mocks me for watching my weight, and threatens to have my dad kick me out. I'm 19 in a month, for the record, and I usually live alone at college.

    I go out and do things with my mom when I can because I like spending tie with her. Each time ends in me coming home to my sister screaming and throwing things. My dad (who, by the by, is recovering from cancer) doesn't want to deal with her bull and so just placates her, which makes her worse and more entitled. I love living here, I love my father, but my sister's violent temper (part of the reason she is with my dad is because my parents don't want her near my little brother, whom she has threatened to kill in the past) is making me want to go- and going means I will rarely, if ever, see him.

    She's a nasty, spoiled brat. She's in therapy, but my dad won't let me speak to the therapist to alert her to these issues. I'm losing my mind. What do I do?

    maybe a strange question but why did you post this in ChitChat Fun and Games? And seriously, why ask for advice for this type of situation on a website that's geared towards healthy eating and weight loss?

    I'm going out on a limb here but something doesn't add up here......

    Honestly, it was because I was entirely out of options. Officially, I have nowhere else to turn. I hoped that the diversity of users here could help me out, mostly because she frequents the other sites I do, and would recognize a post about her- and then turn on me. I hoped that the diversity of people here could have led to someone else dealing with what I have, or knowing how to deal with it.
  • smartandtrim
    smartandtrim Posts: 123 Member

    and I'm going further out on a limb by calling shenanigans on this thread. I just don't believe it. You say she's violent but in another post you say you don't want to call the cops on a 14 year old for throwing a few elbows. You don't want to call CPS because they'll take your adopted brother first? He lives with your mom, you and sis live with your dad so why would CPS involve your brother? She's threatened to kill your brother and your parents believe that enough to keep her in separate house from him BUT they don't believe you that she's got serious problems and is a danger to you?

    And again, you post this in Chit-Chat fun and games category in a weight loss website. I DON'T BUY IT.

    As my parents' divorce has not yet gone through, even though they live separately, CPS could take him. And if they took him, it would undo every bit of work and effort that has gone into making him into the kid he is today. She isn't a danger to me- last time she tried to hit me, I landed her flat on her butt, and she hasn't done it since. I'm not calling the cops on a 14-year-old throwing a tantrum- as I mentioned a few times, it has been tried, and unless she is homicidal or suicidal, they will do nothing.

    I should have been more clear. They don't keep them in separate houses because they believe she would kill him. They keep them in separate houses because he believes it- and with his background, that kind of threat is very, very real to him. Before we adopted him, he underwent a lot of abuse. He's been through the worst of it. And so, he believes her when she threatens him, and because she's a terrorist, she thrives on that.

    What motivation would I have to troll here? I'm honestly asking for advice. I'm very active on this site- my food journal and exercise journal are kept up to date. This is one of the few sites I frequent that she does not (she would recognize any post about her and retaliate) and I am honestly out of options.
  • Audddua
    Audddua Posts: 176 Member

    and I'm going further out on a limb by calling shenanigans on this thread. I just don't believe it. You say she's violent but in another post you say you don't want to call the cops on a 14 year old for throwing a few elbows. You don't want to call CPS because they'll take your adopted brother first? He lives with your mom, you and sis live with your dad so why would CPS involve your brother? She's threatened to kill your brother and your parents believe that enough to keep her in separate house from him BUT they don't believe you that she's got serious problems and is a danger to you?

    And again, you post this in Chit-Chat fun and games category in a weight loss website. I DON'T BUY IT.

    As my parents' divorce has not yet gone through, even though they live separately, CPS could take him. And if they took him, it would undo every bit of work and effort that has gone into making him into the kid he is today. She isn't a danger to me- last time she tried to hit me, I landed her flat on her butt, and she hasn't done it since. I'm not calling the cops on a 14-year-old throwing a tantrum- as I mentioned a few times, it has been tried, and unless she is homicidal or suicidal, they will do nothing.

    I should have been more clear. They don't keep them in separate houses because they believe she would kill him. They keep them in separate houses because he believes it- and with his background, that kind of threat is very, very real to him. Before we adopted him, he underwent a lot of abuse. He's been through the worst of it. And so, he believes her when she threatens him, and because she's a terrorist, she thrives on that.

    What motivation would I have to troll here? I'm honestly asking for advice. I'm very active on this site- my food journal and exercise journal are kept up to date. This is one of the few sites I frequent that she does not (she would recognize any post about her and retaliate) and I am honestly out of options.

    Don't worry about people calling you a troll. I understand completely. This website is great for lots of things and I think you titled the topic perfectly. If people don't want to read rants/need advice type things then they shouldn't click on them.

    Anyways, back to your home life issues. I grew up in hell so I get it. Just try to keep your head up and stay out of as much of the drama as you can. Eventually you will get to leave and it will get better. I promise it will get better eventually. Hang in there!
  • lour441
    lour441 Posts: 543 Member
    There are only 3 people that can resolve the issue with your sister. Your father, your mother, and your sister. Your sister probably doesn't care. Your father is an enabler and your mother probably doesn't want to be involved. Your sister will either grow out of this phase in her life or become a felon. Either way it will resolve itself over time.

    That said, you are 18. That makes you an adult. You have 2 choices. Suck it up and deal with it or move out. You make a lot of excuses why you can't move out but to me they are just excuses. You are choosing not to move out because it is inconvenient. You can work full time and go to school part time. You can take a year off from school and work full time. You can put off school and join the military. Lots of choices for you. Time to grow up.

    I may sound a little callous but I moved out at 17. Got a 4 year degree in 7 years going to school part time while working so when I see you say you can't move out because you have to save up for the next semester I call bull$h1t.
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    If you end up throwing her in a lake, remember to tie the black bag up well and weigh it down with a couple of bricks.
  • smartandtrim
    smartandtrim Posts: 123 Member
    There are only 3 people that can resolve the issue with your sister. Your father, your mother, and your sister. Your sister probably doesn't care. Your father is an enabler and your mother probably doesn't want to be involved. Your sister will either grow out of this phase in her life or become a felon. Either way it will resolve itself over time.

    That said, you are 18. That makes you an adult. You have 2 choices. Suck it up and deal with it or move out. You make a lot of excuses why you can't move out but to me they are just excuses. You are choosing not to move out because it is inconvenient. You can work full time and go to school part time. You can take a year off from school and work full time. You can put off school and join the military. Lots of choices for you. Time to grow up.

    I may sound a little callous but I moved out at 17. Got a 4 year degree in 7 years going to school part time while working so when I see you say you can't move out because you have to save up for the next semester I call bull$h1t.


    I'm an army cadet who works part time while attending a top college. Trust me when I say that saving up money and attending school are important- and dropping out or going to part time is not an option due to my army contract and my school's rules (no part time students for undergrad). I work part time at my college, work two jobs at home, and babysit. This summer, I'm working 55hrs a week.

    I know what I'm paying for. Sure, my school costs over 40k a year, but in the end, it is worth it. Simply because of location, I will not get the other benefits I get from attending this school (internship opportunities being a big one). I have a partial scholarship that takes care of tuition, but I still have to pay for where I live, the food I eat, and my books- which is a lot of money (I'm premed- textbook costs are through the roof). I'm saving what I can, and I save my income during the year, but the fact is that unless I dropped out of college, something I cannot do without breaking my army contract, I cannot afford to move out.
  • reddi2roll
    reddi2roll Posts: 356 Member
    You don't have to keep justifying your situation. I think everyone gets it that your choices about living situation are limited but as I said b4 your choices about how you respond to your sister are not. Find a way to isolate yourself from her when her behavior is not acceptable, let her know why you are doing that and reward her when she is appropriate. As one of the other posters said, ask her why she is so unhappy but keep in mind that her behavior is purely manipulative and as long as she gets the response and attention she wants it will continue. Someone also suggested that you could also benefit from some counseling support. Have you tried that?
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