I need a hug and some advice

Options
Lozze
Lozze Posts: 1,917 Member
in Motivation and Support
First off I don't want any religious judgement. So if that's all you have to offer, please don't respond.

I've had a complicated relationship with a friend. We first slept together about four years ago. That lasted about a month, then we fell out and hated each other. We ended up talking again (we worked together) and ended up dating for about a year. I broke up with him because it wasn't going anywhere. He kept telling me he loved me when drunk and would deny it when sober. So that was part of my dumping him.

We remained friends and after a month of no sex, decided we'd be friends with benefits. This has been going on for nine months. He's been throwing increasingly confusing signals my way, and it's really felt like we were dating again. I think this time I have falled in love with him but never said anything.

He says today that he thinks we're holding onto each other like security blankets and that it's far too easy and we have no future and we need to stop having sex. It's all true and I've kinda known it for a while but I'm still bawling my eyes out and eating ice cream. (and of course first two songs on Shuffle 'All By Myself' and 'Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough' I cried at the first and laughed at the second because it was just too perfect) He's one of my best friends and I don't want to lose him, but at the same time I don't know if we can be friends without the benefits. And I'm so lonely and I want a life partner who is my best friend, great in bed and someone who gets me. And that's him, but for some reason neither of us sees a future with the other.

And I just can't stop crying and am hating myself for putting me in that position.
«13

Replies

  • mrmv
    mrmv Posts: 95
    Options
    Big Hug...
    You....deserve...better...move on, treat yourself as you would your best friend. You owe it to yourself..
  • Dave198lbs
    Dave198lbs Posts: 8,810 Member
    Options
    premarital sex is a sin and you will burn....oh wait...I'm joking,

    enjoy whatever it is for what it is. you cant make something into what it isnt.
  • bathsheba_c
    bathsheba_c Posts: 1,873 Member
    Options
    ::hug::

    Feel free to bawl your eyes out. Consider switching your ice cream for either a "healthy" brand of ice cream, like Skinny Cow, or for frozen yogurt.

    I once had an on-again, off-again boyfriend. What I learned from the experience was that being best friends and attracted to each other isn't enough to make a relationship work. Take time to get over it, learn what you need to learn from the experience, brush the dust off you, and move on.
  • Lozze
    Lozze Posts: 1,917 Member
    Options
    premarital sex is a sin and you will burn....oh wait...I'm joking,

    enjoy whatever it is for what it is. you cant make something into what it isnt.

    Haha, thank you for the laugh :)

    That's exactly it. I think it's why "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough' is on repeat :)
    Feel free to bawl your eyes out. Consider switching your ice cream for either a "healthy" brand of ice cream, like Skinny Cow, or for frozen yogurt.

    Am eating Skinny Cow already.
  • charlena48
    charlena48 Posts: 192 Member
    Options
    The best advice I can offer is to "grieve" over the loss for a few days and decide right now that you deserve better than that. Focus on getting healthy and having new opportunities. You just never know what is in your future. Good luck.
  • makdeniz
    makdeniz Posts: 28
    Options
    You deserve better!
  • SOCALGIRLY38
    SOCALGIRLY38 Posts: 27 Member
    Options
    Every relationship we have is in preparation for the ONE. I took me 7 years to find my 1, after a bad 1st marriage. Don't give up. Have faith!!!! Faith is huge and do the work (that means first dates, which are awkward but necessary).

    Hug, most of us have been there and from someone who made it around the bend, it does get better!!

    Oh, I also am a fan of therapy, never thought I would be (had a traumatic childhood, that I thought I was dealing with). But started therapy a few years ago (38) and it has helped me a lot having a neutral 3rd party that is paid to be dumped on ...... Hee Hee
  • whisperer02
    whisperer02 Posts: 52
    Options
    I was in a similar situation and had some serious but hard decisions to make. First I stopped the sex because. that clouded everything. Then he and I had a serious talk about what we were looking for in a relationship. You both need to be sober for that. After being apart for a month we realized that it was rough but we were both were in differant places as far as a relationship. We still talk but after a year I have found someone who wanted what I did and I am engaged to a prince and my ex is one of my best friends with me and my prince. Oh/ Hugs and good luck to you.
  • cramernh
    cramernh Posts: 3,335 Member
    Options
    Sounds like a Joan Jett situation "Hate Myself for Loving You"....

    Ditch him... seriously ditch him - time for him to get off the free rollercoaster ride and for you to shut down for maintenance...

    My daughter's father thought I was 'open' for that type of relationship after he chose to ditch me and our daughter and left me a single parent. Had the nerve to show up at my door in a trench-coat and nothing on underneath like that was something he thought I would be turned on by..

    err....uhhhh.... no.... thankfully the police were around the corner and witnessed him flashing me... what a numbnut...
  • trollydollymolly
    trollydollymolly Posts: 107 Member
    Options
    Friends shouldn't make each other cry .

    It's ok if you are both coming from the same angle - that's fine - but when the balance changes you have to be honest with each other - however difficult, awkward and painful that might be.

    Tell him how you feel and move on. You deserve someone who loves you unreservedly.

    Chin up.

    Sue

    Ps here's a hug.
  • chelledawg14
    chelledawg14 Posts: 509 Member
    Options
    Awww, I feel for you. I had a male best friend for years and we crossed that line twice, realized it could end up killing our friendship and stopped. We still flirted, joked around about sex, but never went through with it again. If you guys are so close, then talking about it, maybe spending some time apart and reconnecting may be what you need to do. Just say "NO" and remember having a friend is more important than sex!!! Um, I think I showed my age with that comment - lol (a young 45) ;) On another note, I was an emotional eater so the ice cream would have been right up my alley, BUT, just look at the label on the back and that a serving of ice cream is only 1/2 cup. If it's real or anything other than plain ice cream, your calories will be used up and then you'll be even more sad! If you can stop yourself from the ice cream binge, you WILL feel better in that you were strong enough to resist AND it will motivate you more towards your fitness goals! and THAT is something to smile about! By the way, I DO eat ice cream - either skinnycow snacks or lowfat/no sugar vanilla with fresh fruit, or that occasional baby size cone from DQ or McDonalds'!
  • netztoy
    netztoy Posts: 83 Member
    Options
    {{{hugs}}}...no human can love you like you can love yourself...feel the pain for a short time then get up, brush yourself off and move forward. I know it's a cliche, but, life is really too short. Make yourself happy!!!!:flowerforyou:
  • marathon64
    marathon64 Posts: 378 Member
    Options
    I actually think he's right-he is a security blanket for you. His friendship and being desired by him make you feel so good. But sometimes being alone and even lonely is so much better for us than being in a relationship that depletes us emotionally. In the long run he is not someone who is going to help you be a better person and accomplish your life goals. You need to love yourself enough to let go completely.

    IMHO being friends with someone you have that level of emotional involvement with is just too difficult. Be civil "aquaintances" if you can-but don't go beyond hell or have a nice weekend. Dont' ask or respond with more than a few words to personal questions. Create a bubble around yourself that he is not welcome in and don't seek out his presence in your life. It will be very hard and sad but there is so much waiting for you in this life and you need to love yourself enough to go down that path. Good luck!!!
  • rundmc21
    rundmc21 Posts: 2 Member
    Options
    I can relate to this :(
    The more you sleep with him, the worse you'll feel.
    Get some frozen yoghurt, eat said yoghurt, and we'll see you on the other side for that hug!
    YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THIS.

    Never look back :) xxx
  • marathon64
    marathon64 Posts: 378 Member
    Options
    I just looked at your profile and your inspirational quote is "because I'm worth it". And you are!!!! So show yourself some love and move on xo
  • Dauntlessness
    Dauntlessness Posts: 1,489 Member
    Options
    Hug

    He is using you. If he was your friend he wouldn't be putting you through this because friends do what is best for each other, even at their own expense. Let him go. Separate yourself from him for a while until your strong enough to say no because you know, next time he is drunk, it will happen all over again.

    If your eating ice cream when you get sad, try eating a lower cal alternative food like low cal popsicles, fudgepops (40 cals a piece) or sorbet. I know your going through a rough time but if you dont break this cycle, you wont progress. I am very guilty of it too. My dog was put down this week and I dove into some Ben and Jerrys and regretted it ever since. We can do this.
  • bubwater
    bubwater Posts: 1
    Options
    You deserve better:smokin:
  • Kerri_is_so_very
    Kerri_is_so_very Posts: 1,005 Member
    Options
    Big hugs to you!! I'm familiar with your situation and know perfectly well where you are coming from. Some times we need to follow our heads and not our hearts. Easier said than done, I know!
  • HotMamaByVday
    HotMamaByVday Posts: 343 Member
    Options
    <hugs>

    and if he was your best friend, the sex wouldn't be an issue. You deserve better.
  • Neens26
    Neens26 Posts: 12 Member
    Options
    Ok firstly sending you a hug and secondly it does sound like you are holding onto each other. I think the best thing to do would be to break free from him. No contact, doesn't mean to say that in the futer you can't hang out. But for now while you need to get over him it is best. I found that out with my ex, we broke up but were still hanging out like we were together, then one day I had enough and didn't talk to him. I got over him eventually and so glad I did. And now all I want to concentrate on is myself, I come fist. If a great guy does come along then if its right he will fit into my life.

    And thats what I think for you. Concentrate on yourself. You can't meet anyone else until your over him and when you are really over him, someone will come along that you like much more.

    Hope this helped!

    x

Categories