I've figured out why I can't lose weight.

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irenegalea
irenegalea Posts: 24
in Motivation and Support
I've wanted to lose weight for over 10 years, but I've always felt this mental brick wall which was holding me back. Every time I'd say "I'm going on a diet", I'd feel compelled to eat more. If I DO manage to lose weight, as soon as I become aware of it, I gain it all back.

So now I weigh 182lbs, and I haven't been able to figure out why I can't lose weight. I know how to. I know how to eat right, and exercise. I have tons of healthy recipes, tons of fitness books and cds, a brand new bicycle which i've barely used, weights, skipping rope....well, everything i need. I went to a health psychologist to try and figure it out, but I felt I wasn't getting anywhere, and made the mistake of ending therapy prematurely.

BUT....

Last weekend, I had a lightbulb moment, and I FINALLY figured it out all by myself. :) This is why I haven't been losing weight:

To my mother, it's always been important that her children look good. It makes her feel she's a good mother, and I completely understand that. Ever since I was about 9 years old, my mother used to tell me not to gain weight. She'd discourage me from wearing certain clothes because they'd make me look fat (such as bikinis and short skirts). Even when I weighed a mere 120lbs, I still wasn't good enough.

I didn't feel accepted. No matter how great my accomplishments, no matter how proud she'd say she was of me...there was always that "BUT, you need to lose weight". I feel that I should have been the most beautiful girl in the world in the eyes of my mother, that she should have accepted me for who I am, no matter what I look like.

That's why I subconsciously refuse to lose weight. I've subconsciously been thinking "why should I lose weight to gain my mother's acceptance? It's not fair" I need to feel I am really doing this for myself. At the moment I feel like i'd be doing it for her approval, but I don't want to gain her approval in this manner so I've been refusing to lose weight. I want to feel that her love is unconditional.



It all makes so much sense to me now. I'm so proud to have figured it out all by myself...but now I don't know what to do. Awareness is the first step to resolving issues, but I don't know what to do with this new information I have about myself, and how I can resolve it. :(
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Replies

  • NYAngel1089
    NYAngel1089 Posts: 593 Member
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    I think you need to write down the reasons you do want to lose weight. Only reasons that have to do with you. Hang them on your wall where you will see them every morning so you can read them and know every day why you are doing this.
    Also, I have to say, you are very pretty. What helped me was to write down 10 thing you like about yourself and hang them up where you will see them too. Every morning read the positives about yourself and the reasons YOU want lose weight. This way you know its all about YOU.
    Good Luck!
  • Adureeuh
    Adureeuh Posts: 24 Member
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    I understand where you are coming from. Growing up it would drive me crazy that my mother would comment on my clothes, like anything above the knee, or low rise pants, and telling me only "skinny people should wear them". She would always be telling me to lose weight, get more active, and cut the junk out of my diet. She still always is telling me this stuff. Of course, as a teen I always took offense and could never see why she would say such "hurtful" things to me.

    Now I am a bit older and I have realized all along that my mom is just worrying. Our parents grew up in a different time where sometimes there wasn't much subtlety, and I can also say my mom is pretty hard on herself. She only cares about me and my health and she herself is overweight and probably doesn't want me to struggle with what she feels and experiences due to being overweight.

    I also think I understand you not wanting to lose weight. I think as a young teen I felt the same way, because the fact she always seemed to be "making fun" of me made me angry, which left me feeling apathetic about weight loss and exercise. Honestly though, please do make sure you don't have a underlying health condition that might be causing you to not lose weight. I'm not saying you do have one, and maybe your doctor has checked, but there's always the possibility you haven't been unconsciously sabotaging yourself.

    I do wish you the best of luck, and remember, you NEED to do this for YOURSELF, no one else because you need to take care of you, you need to love yourself and treat yourself like the most important person in the world. Remember that you are beautiful and always will be no matter what size you are and you will always be the same person inside. Your mother loves you but sometimes these things can be tough to talk about and she's doing her best. Be proud of your accomplishments so far in life (and not just over weight loss) and keep your head up on the journey. If you need a friend or support I'm here and would love to be friends. Good luck with everything!
  • sho3girl
    sho3girl Posts: 10,799 Member
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    I think you need to write down the reasons you do want to lose weight. Only reasons that have to do with you. Hang them on your wall where you will see them every morning so you can read them and know every day why you are doing this.
    Also, I have to say, you are very pretty. What helped me was to write down 10 thing you like about yourself and hang them up where you will see them too. Every morning read the positives about yourself and the reasons YOU want lose weight. This way you know its all about YOU.
    Good Luck!

    Really good advise will try to do this myself too
  • Krazy_Kat
    Krazy_Kat Posts: 212
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    Someone kidnapped my Mum!

    I feel exactly the same way.

    Nothing was ever right. My hair was too long or too short. Diets were always on the go, even when skinny. My sleeves were too long, skirts too short, I couldn't do this and shouldn't do that. I wore too much make up. I'd look better if I lost just a bit of weight, people like you don't do things like that. Thats not the done thing. And this lastest into my 20s

    I could never lose weight either because I didn't want to be finally accepted. So one day pissed off, I confronted her. I said, I may have screamed sometimes: Look what all you picking has done, it's shot my self esteem, I have agoraphobia, I don't know what I like and what I like because you like or what I like just to spite you. I have lost my teenage years when I was healthy, and I'll never get them back. Now look at me... I'm fat, I'm unhappy. JUST STOP. Stop PLEASE STOP. All the dieting has made you fat too. If you don't stop criticizing I'll have to take a step back from us. I love you but my health is more important. etc etc

    I did spend a few years with minimal contact and on my own terms. It was harsh and horrible, but it had to be done. She respects me more, but its still mostly about achievement and looks, never unconditionally.
    So after a few years fat without trying to lose weight, I have to find out how to love myself and who I am. i just don't let her get to me anymore and let ,her know which topics I refuse to discuss. It took me a while but now I feel like I am losing weight for me. Just Me.
  • irenegalea
    irenegalea Posts: 24
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    wow. reading your responses made me smile. I'm amazed you so quickly and easily understood what took me years to understand myself. Thank you.

    I really don't want to argue with my mother. As one of you said, she's just worried and wants the best for her children. But the criticism has got to stop, and I really don't know how to distance myself (mentally) from my mother. I will try the exercise of writing down reasons I want to lose weight, but to quote this from Krazy_Kat:

    "She respects me, but its still mostly about achievement and looks, never unconditionally."


    I don't want THAT to happen.
    How do you stop seeking parents' approval?
  • Nailrep
    Nailrep Posts: 966 Member
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    Hugs. Been there. A parents approval is one of the most important things a person can have. If you can't move past it, then do yourself a HUGE favor and get some counseling. Been there.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,114 Member
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    I don't think any of us are happy with the disapproval of Mom.

    But you can start telling her to stop. When she does her little judgey-McJudgerson stuff say, "Mom, you know that isn't helpful to me." or something to that effect. She will be snippy right back at you. Stand your ground.

    One of the toughest things to do is to separate from Mom. All your life you looked to her for approval. I know I did. I never really got it, and she died with that unsaid. So just know that you may never hear the words you want to hear. Growing up means growing away and taking away the power you gave her when you were little. She doesn't have that power anymore.

    So, you have to mother yourself. Treat yourself with the kindness and approval you don't get from the world. Understand that it isn't you - it's her. Probably no one ever approved of her fully and unconditionally either.
  • irenegalea
    irenegalea Posts: 24
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    yes, my mother's parents were quite critical and had a very specific set of expectations of her, which she had to follow. She doesn't really know any better. I also know that my mother is unable to provide a certain level of emotional support so she made up for it by taking care of us "physically" and practically. Seeing us well dressed and attractive makes her feel she's been a good mother. And figuring that out helped me get over A LOT of anger I was having towards her.

    Now it's not anger, now I'm just frustrated at myself for still needing her approval. I will try and do what you said though, and "mother myself". Give myself the approval I never had. and make MYSELF proud. I'm not sure how though.
  • SistaHope
    SistaHope Posts: 23
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    Yep-you're right! YOU've got to OWN it for yourself. This is crucial~ and it's really a lesson for your whole life, not just fitness. Your work, your education~any where you are wanting to succeed. You've got to own it for yourself. And, if your reasons work for you, they're good enough. I LOVE those "AHA" moments~those are the thoughts that will keep you keeping on! =) Encouraging you as a Mom, I would encourage you to try to understand her; The mother/daughter dynamic can be so sensitive in those years! I'm guessing your Mom is pretty normal in this, and was only wanting the best for you~because she LOVEs you; no one can see full potential like a Mother! I'm only saying YES, be motivated!!! But try not to be bitter, or think poorly of her; then you'll have another problem (a bigger one!) not as easy to deal with as weight gain. You are who you are by your own decisions~ no one else makes you who you are but yourself! Many Blessings!
  • Meowfitness
    Meowfitness Posts: 21
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    Parents always think their kids could be little more better and keep on expecting more and more... I had the same situation here... Now at my age... beyond all the influence of my mom... I started taking responsibility of my self... We are grown ups... it is always think that 'YOU ARE JUST YOU'... need not to blame anyone or days those were gone... now days are in your hand... you have to feel good about yourself and respect yourself... once this is in mind, it gives enough motivation to respect your body... not to just throw the food inside like a garbage can...
    Now I have a 2 yr daughter, I don't want to tell her anything orally, but set myself as a good example... eat healthy food, stay active... I am not going to criticize her... instead I will try to advice her if she is ready to take...
  • brooke432
    brooke432 Posts: 17
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    Love this!
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
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    I think you need to give yourself a little bit of a break... Just because you discovered a source of the emotional brick wall doesn't mean you're going to be able to apply it to your life immediately. A lot of us have different emotional triggers, barriers and flat out bad eating habits that can take YEARS to get over. As with any recovery, you have to take it one day at a time.

    As for where to start, well you're here so that's step one. Use the tools - track your food, stay as close to your calorie goals as you can, maybe even set small goals for each week (eat more fruits/veggies, plan/pack more meals, drink more water, etc) to keep you on some sort of schedule and start using that bike! One of the BEST things I learned was that exercise can be a great way to handle stresses. So when those little nasty voices in your head start telling you "screw her, go ahead and eat that ice cream!" you get your rear end out of the kitchen and hop on that bike, or go for a walk. And if you still want ice cream later, at least you've burned the calories...still not the best food choice but a hell of a lot better than having done nothing and eaten the ice cream IMHO.
  • jfeferman
    jfeferman Posts: 1
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    Hi, my first time on the message board. As a mom and a daughter all of this is close to home. Being a good person really IS enough, appearance is icing on the cake. But hugely important in society and culture, your Mom probably is socialized to see a womans worth through beauty and maybe self discipline. so many Moms are intensely controlling, In my opinion that's not going to bring happiness. Just remember that your primary person to please is yourself. My mom was obsessed with my weight AND my daughters' weights for years. I asked her to refrain from discussing it, it took a long time but finally it sunk in. You might tell her, if all we can talk about is our weight or looks, you might not be hearing from me or seeing me very often. I already know your thoughts so let's choose a new topic! If that's all she can think about you will see her view of life is very limited.

    Good luck!!! You are very lovely in your picture by the way ;-)
    Julie
  • debi_f
    debi_f Posts: 330 Member
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    Reading this, I had to stop and tell my daughters just how wonderful they are and why each of them is special to me (having nothing to do with how gorgeous they are..). It's too easy at times to impose our own histories and insecurities on our children when we really need to step back and let them just "be kids."
  • irenegalea
    irenegalea Posts: 24
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    all these wonderful replies made me cry, happy tears! thank you. I will try to take everyone's advice, you are all so supportive and seem to really know what you're talking about. lol i'm going to keep this page bookmarked and read it every time I feel discouraged...it just might work!
  • Ivythorn
    Ivythorn Posts: 11 Member
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    Great job. Emotional work is hard, mother issues are hard. I agree with so much of the advice given previously, and don't know if I have anything to really add besides great job!
  • lwlisa135
    lwlisa135 Posts: 3
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    Good observation, now I guess the trick is to find a way to be rebellious in a positive way. In spite of what your mom thinks, you are going to lose weight for yourself and not bother with worrying about what she thinks.
  • hduston
    hduston Posts: 61 Member
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    Reading this, I had to stop and tell my daughters just how wonderful they are and why each of them is special to me (having nothing to do with how gorgeous they are..). It's too easy at times to impose our own histories and insecurities on our children when we really need to step back and let them just "be kids."

    ^^ This is great advice and perspective! Hope I remember it when my daughter becomes a teenager! My mom, too, placed a high value on looks and appearances - I think that's how she valued herself (or at least that's what she saw as her main value - even though she had/has a TON to offer outside of her looks).
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
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    stop going on a diet. Then welcome to a whole new way of living. People around you are not going to understand, but that's ok.
    Then get on board with eating right and being within your calorie goal. Get some exercise in there, and your off and running.
  • utahgirl247
    utahgirl247 Posts: 370 Member
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    i love 'ah ha' moments. like you i know how to lose weight, eat healthy etc. my issues are different than yours but when that light bulb goes off, wow!! all of a sudden things start making sense. it doesnt mean it will be instantly easy but the journey can begin and i bet you will start seeing changes.

    thank you for sharing.

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