I've figured out why I can't lose weight.

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  • amandavictoria80
    amandavictoria80 Posts: 734 Member
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    I've wanted to lose weight for over 10 years, but I've always felt this mental brick wall which was holding me back. Every time I'd say "I'm going on a diet", I'd feel compelled to eat more. If I DO manage to lose weight, as soon as I become aware of it, I gain it all back.

    So now I weigh 182lbs, and I haven't been able to figure out why I can't lose weight. I know how to. I know how to eat right, and exercise. I have tons of healthy recipes, tons of fitness books and cds, a brand new bicycle which i've barely used, weights, skipping rope....well, everything i need. I went to a health psychologist to try and figure it out, but I felt I wasn't getting anywhere, and made the mistake of ending therapy prematurely.

    BUT....

    Last weekend, I had a lightbulb moment, and I FINALLY figured it out all by myself. :) This is why I haven't been losing weight:

    To my mother, it's always been important that her children look good. It makes her feel she's a good mother, and I completely understand that. Ever since I was about 9 years old, my mother used to tell me not to gain weight. She'd discourage me from wearing certain clothes because they'd make me look fat (such as bikinis and short skirts). Even when I weighed a mere 120lbs, I still wasn't good enough.

    I didn't feel accepted. No matter how great my accomplishments, no matter how proud she'd say she was of me...there was always that "BUT, you need to lose weight". I feel that I should have been the most beautiful girl in the world in the eyes of my mother, that she should have accepted me for who I am, no matter what I look like.

    That's why I subconsciously refuse to lose weight. I've subconsciously been thinking "why should I lose weight to gain my mother's acceptance? It's not fair" I need to feel I am really doing this for myself. At the moment I feel like i'd be doing it for her approval, but I don't want to gain her approval in this manner so I've been refusing to lose weight. I want to feel that her love is unconditional.



    It all makes so much sense to me now. I'm so proud to have figured it out all by myself...but now I don't know what to do. Awareness is the first step to resolving issues, but I don't know what to do with this new information I have about myself, and how I can resolve it. :(

    I know exactly how this feels! I'm in the same boat. Only with my whole family.

    You know what? I stopped caring. They're not the ones who have to feel the way I feel being over weight. So, I do it for ME!
    But it's not a diet. It's a healthy life style.

    Trust me, the more you get into exercising and healthy eating, you confidence will go up and you won't care. You will know you're wonderful and beautiful and no one will be able to tell you any different.

    I wish you tons of luck hun. :) Let them eat your dust. :)
  • Rolande55
    Rolande55 Posts: 52 Member
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    Might I suggest two great books that have helped me on my journey to loving myself?
    Simple Abundance - Sarah Ban Breathnach : This one is a daily journal to get you started on loving yourself and getting to know what you want and what you like.
    Self Matters- Dr. Phil: this one helps you to discover the key events in your life that have made you who you are and how to undo it using letter writing, self talk and changing your thinking.

    Good luck! A problem recognized and accepted is a batle half won!

    Love and light!
  • Raeven40
    Raeven40 Posts: 2 Member
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    I feel a kinship with all of you! It helps to know that I am not alone in growing up with a critical and disapproving mom, who I know wanted my happiness, but thought that happiness would only arrive if I was thin. She died at 40 years old, when I was 17, and for the past 22 years, I've been working on this very issue of reconciling my feelings over our relationship, (and my relationship with myself). I love what you said about how we need to mother ourselves. So very true! This is a process, it's not an overnight fix, but I am slowly realizing the power of kindness to myself, letting go of all the criticism that I internalized and continued way after Mom died. It's about taking down that brick wall, one brick at a time. Thank you all.
  • teriann1979
    teriann1979 Posts: 75 Member
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    Focus on you and all of the positive things about you, focus on your health rather than being skinny. I completely understand the self-conscious need for that approval but I am working on it too - it's a long road but as you said recognition is the first step. Learning to love yourself is not as simple as it may sound but with determination and patience we can get there. Feel free to add me for support
  • irenegalea
    irenegalea Posts: 24
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    Ok so now I have a list of reasons I want to lose weight...reasons which don't involve anyone but myself.


    To be healthy
    So I can wear the clothes that don't fit me anymore
    To feel more energetic
    To raise my chances of getting pregnant
    To reduce chances of PCOS, diabetes, and lower my cholesterol levels
    To be able to run a marathon
    So that I don't get tired when wearing heels
    To explore new types of healthy food
    So it gets easier to ride a bike
    To look better in photos
    To have more fun doing zumba classes

    I had to filter out things like "to look better in my wedding dress" ...because I've realised I already look great in my wedding dress, my mother wants me to lose weight so that it looks better, but I'm actually perfectly happy with the way it is. :)

    Now I just have to internalise them.

    But I still feel that if I lose weight, I'm going to get REALLY angry at my mother if she starts passing comments about how much better I look after losing weight. It's quite an obstacle.
  • NYAngel1089
    NYAngel1089 Posts: 593 Member
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    This is such a great start!! If your mom starts to give you comments about you looking good because you lost weight, accept it. Say thank you, I've been working hard to better myself. Just think of it as any other compliment you will get from others.
  • Guisma
    Guisma Posts: 215
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    Parents always think their kids could be little more better and keep on expecting more and more... I had the same situation here... Now at my age... beyond all the influence of my mom... I started taking responsibility of my self... We are grown ups... it is always think that 'YOU ARE JUST YOU'... need not to blame anyone or days those were gone... now days are in your hand... you have to feel good about yourself and respect yourself... once this is in mind, it gives enough motivation to respect your body... not to just throw the food inside like a garbage can...
    Now I have a 2 yr daughter, I don't want to tell her anything orally, but set myself as a good example... eat healthy food, stay active... I am not going to criticize her... instead I will try to advice her if she is ready to take...

    Agree !!
  • fontinathefox
    fontinathefox Posts: 124 Member
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    yes, my mother's parents were quite critical and had a very specific set of expectations of her, which she had to follow. She doesn't really know any better. I also know that my mother is unable to provide a certain level of emotional support so she made up for it by taking care of us "physically" and practically.

    This is my mum. She's never given emotional support, but she's always been there practically, and done things for us to show that she cares. I try and think about that instead of being angry, but sometimes it's hard when you read interviews with famous (or regular) people talking about how close they are to their mum and what an inspiration their mum is. It's hard not being able to go to your mum with problems. My mum is the same as everyone else's - I always felt compared to my thinner, prettier sister and that's stayed with me. I can only second an earlier suggestion of counselling - it's helped me SO much it's untrue.
  • happy2mamma
    happy2mamma Posts: 14 Member
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    Your list is amazing!!! Each one of these is a great reason to get out of bed each morning and love yourself and life! I have the same mom situation and it's fustrating, definitely psychological warfare.... :) It is exhausting and for me I just turned to food. Every day focus on one of the things on your list and make choices to move the mark for YOU! And when you have your own little one's pass on the confidence and healthy living that you discovered through this journey. Keep up the great work!!! :)
  • Guisma
    Guisma Posts: 215
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    What if ur mom gave u all the chocolates u wanted and thought u were beautifull no matter what ? How would that help anyway ? No one knows how it would had been the other way arround, the only thing we do is expeculate
  • fontinathefox
    fontinathefox Posts: 124 Member
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    need not to blame anyone or days those were gone... now days are in your hand... you have to feel good about yourself and respect yourself... once this is in mind, it gives enough motivation to respect your body...

    Sadly this is easier said than done for a lot of people - for me it's needed counselling, and I still struggle sometimes.
  • winninga
    winninga Posts: 77 Member
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    Parents always think their kids could be little more better and keep on expecting more and more... I had the same situation here... Now at my age... beyond all the influence of my mom... I started taking responsibility of my self... We are grown ups... it is always think that 'YOU ARE JUST YOU'... need not to blame anyone or days those were gone... now days are in your hand... you have to feel good about yourself and respect yourself... once this is in mind, it gives enough motivation to respect your body... not to just throw the food inside like a garbage can...
    Now I have a 2 yr daughter, I don't want to tell her anything orally, but set myself as a good example... eat healthy food, stay active... I am not going to criticize her... instead I will try to advice her if she is ready to take...

    I think you hit the nail right on the head with this one. You need to have that moment where you realize that you need to live your life for you, that you are responsible for your own destiny, and that parents will always be critical. I had a talk with my daughter who is 9. I told her that it's important to make good choices when it comes to her health. I did used myself as an example of how it's harder at my age, and after I put on over 100lbs to lose the weight. I've encouraged her to be active in sports, and to choose healthy options when it comes to food. I think we have a great relationship. She's my best friend, and the best shopping buddy I've ever had. We go to the Y three days a week together for Family Zumba and swimming. I don't want her to have the problems that I've had throughout my life, and I'm trying the most positive approach that I can think of.
  • Guisma
    Guisma Posts: 215
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    Parents bring us up, and gaves us the genes, so its just normal that we put some blames on our personalitys and choises on them...But, we can´t think of them as the only ones that educate us when there is an entire society that also did. Its very interesting to hear both sides of the opinions expressed here :)
  • Guisma
    Guisma Posts: 215
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    Parents bring us up, and gaves us the genes, so its just normal that we put some blames on our personalitys and choises on them...But, we can´t think of them as the only ones that educate us when there is an entire society that also did. Its very interesting to hear both sides of the opinions expressed here :)


    Brought us up * and sorry for other misspellings
  • irenegalea
    irenegalea Posts: 24
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    True, there is a whole society that influences us, but in reality no one influences us more than our parents. I've matured and grown enough to not care about society's expectations of me, because society's full of different people with different values and backgrounds. But my mother is the person who loved me and took care of me. She was my role model growing up, she helped me grow from a baby into a girl, into a woman. I am aware of how society influenced me as well. But detatching yourself from your mother (or father) is an incredibly difficult task which needs to be done at some point in our lives.


    I'm surprised so many people are going through the same situation. I'm glad I brought this up on MFP. You're all so supportive, and I hope this helps other people to become aware of their influences

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