Suggestions to help & encourage my overweight niece.....

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  • mmarcy7
    mmarcy7 Posts: 227 Member
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    Honestly you need to talk to your dad and step mom. Any parents/guardians, who allow a child to eat 10 cookies and ice cream on a daily basis and can see that the child is obviously obese are the ones who need a wake up call. Are your parents obese? It's usually not the kids fault they are fat, I blame it on the parents (unless there is a medical problem). And if the girl has lots of problems, she probably is an emotional eater too and needs to learn how to deal with that. Unless your dad and step mom are willing to get the girl some help and buy healthy foods I really don't think there is much you can do. Maybe the next time you see her you could bring up your weight loss/exercise and try to let her know she can talk to you if she has any questions about healthy eating or exercises she could do and see if she seems interested in making a change.
  • celebrity328
    celebrity328 Posts: 377 Member
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    I remember a lady who was friends with my mom (think I was like 13-14) who brought up my weight and that I was trying to lose weight. I was so upset about the ordeal and embrassed she knew my secret. Looking back on it I knew the lady had the best intentions but at the time it really hurt me. I guess it really depends on the person.

    I also struggle with "talking" to my family about their weight and the concerns I have but realize that most of my family would shut down emotionaly if i brought up the subject. I continue to do what I do and lose weight and lead by example and hope that one day that leads to a conversation on what they can do to change their lifestyles for the better. Does that mean I dont want to talk to them? no in reality I really just want to sit my entire family down and explain to them that the choices they are making arnt good and I like to see them all healthy :(

    Its a very thin line between being helpful and being annoying, I just havent found the balance between the two just yet :)
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
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    I love the 'trap her into a mani/pedi plan!!! ANY outing would work. Also, knowing how it feels to be the 'fat teen' with the 'skinny aunt' I agree with the make it about you conversation. "So, how are things going at school? Interested in any sports or activities?"... if I flashed back *gulp* twenty years I know where that would gave gone for me..."Well auntie I don't do sports, I'm not exactly in great shape as you can see..." then you follow up with "I know how you must feel, I used to be... " Heck, see where it goes!
  • Ralphrabbit
    Ralphrabbit Posts: 351 Member
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    Start off by listening to her. How she is feeling & how she wants to go about this. If it's her ideas that are being validated then she may have a chance. Help her to access regular local help in the way she wants it & help her with how to cook healthy food. If she is doing her own cooking she may have some support from her grandparents but they need to be told that they have no right to discourage her!!
  • MizSaz
    MizSaz Posts: 445 Member
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    yeah, i'm talking to her lol...regardless of the advise i get here....i was just looking for suggestions on how to talk to her...our relationship is not that bad, it's just not close/great.....BUT the underlying fact that i do care about her health and well being and again, i know what the hell i'm talking about at this point almost makes me feel like i HAVE to talk to her....i will talk to my dad and my stepmom first....i will discuss with them what i want to talk to her about and offer suggestions as a former overweight teen, young adult, twenties and thirties person....i want them all to make better choices but by damned i want her to get her life on track now before she ends up completely miserable...if it means a sh*tstorm happens while i'm on vacation, lol, i'm ready for it.....
    Please don't not talk to her just because it might be awkward. It's hard finding real information about what really works when it comes to weightloss, especially since the other adults in her life seem clueless as well. Yes, she could blow up in a teenage **** storm, but at least she'll have the tools she needs to succeed if she chooses to.

    Just make it about you. You can always trick her into a manny/pedi... she will be trapped in her chair and will have to at least have a short conversation lol

    I think it's great that you're taking initiative! Her delicate little teenage psyche will survive :tongue: Even if it goes badly and she hates you forever (in teenage years), one day when she wakes up and decides to make a change you will have given her the tools to do it.

    Just imagine all the crap advice she must be getting from her friends! "OMG if you only eat brown food like you can lose like 50 pounds a week. like." I don't know what they say nowadays lol but I'm pretty sure it's nonsense (it was in my day!)

    Trapping her is literally the worst thing you can do. She knows she's overweight, and you're going to create a "hostage situation" over it? And out in public besides?? Are you kidding me?
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,326 Member
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    yeah but regardless of your intentions, you need to think about how it's going to come off. she cant read intention. no one can since no one else lives inside your head but you. it's just going to come off as the person she already thinks as being a nosey bossy biyatch (your words) coming up to her and telling her she's fat.


    but if you are going to do it i also agree with the person who said make it less about her and more about you. tell her YOUR experiences. at least that way it'll come off as less preachy. maybe she'll listen and start thinking seeing some similarities between your situations.

    good luck
  • bexy_27
    bexy_27 Posts: 28 Member
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    If you're truly worried about her, work on your relationship with her. Let her know you care about her and you're there for her. Lead by example. When she's ready, she'll ask how you lost weight.
  • bluiz13
    bluiz13 Posts: 3,550 Member
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    i am NOW the "skinny aunt" but not really lol just skinnier...she has seen me at my heaviest....so she knows where i have come from...in my opinion that's a plus...
    I love the 'trap her into a mani/pedi plan!!! ANY outing would work. Also, knowing how it feels to be the 'fat teen' with the 'skinny aunt' I agree with the make it about you conversation. "So, how are things going at school? Interested in any sports or activities?"... if I flashed back *gulp* twenty years I know where that would gave gone for me..."Well auntie I don't do sports, I'm not exactly in great shape as you can see..." then you follow up with "I know how you must feel, I used to be... " Heck, see where it goes!
  • nikinyx6
    nikinyx6 Posts: 772 Member
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    If you're truly worried about her, work on your relationship with her. Let her know you care about her and you're there for her. Lead by example. When she's ready, she'll ask how you lost weight.

    best advice yet...you need to have somewhat of a relationship before this girl will even listen to you
  • Athena98501
    Athena98501 Posts: 716 Member
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    It sounds like this child is depressed, and like food is her primary source of comfort. Given that she doesn't have her parents looking after her, it seems like she's had a rough childhood. I think it says more about you than her when you call her "a pain in the@$$." I have worked with dozens of seriously troubled children (many of them violent), and it's been my experience that 95% of them respond very positively to an adult just showing them that there are good things about them, and that they have the ability to be happier than they are. The most common reason for children becoming difficult is that the loudest message they get from the adults who are supposed to care for them, is that they (and their feelings) don't matter.

    I would suggest you do a little soul searching first, and try to imagine being in her place at her age. Then you can try to repair your relationship with her. Anything beyond that would likely be met with defiance.
  • MaraDiaz
    MaraDiaz Posts: 4,604 Member
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    You're very sweet, but please for the love of humanity find something you can love and cherish about this poor girl instead of just acting out of pity. Then play up on that. People sense how you really feel, whether they consciously know it or not. There has to be something worth loving about the poor child, so find it!
  • emmahaines1
    emmahaines1 Posts: 19
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    I think its great you want to help her but you may have to try the cruel to be kind routine, one of the reasons I wanted to loose weight was because my Dad told my I looked like a hippo.

    But at the end of the day she is the only person who can make the choice to change the way she eats and she will do when she is ready to.

    I know its not great advice, but your not going to be able to force to chance her eating habits.
  • msjamartin
    msjamartin Posts: 148
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    I would suggest letting her talk to you about her health/weight and ask about your journey. Tell her what you did, what you went through as a teenager etc. Rather than a "you should do this...you need to do this..." conversation. Just listen to her story and then share yours. Offer to be a long distant support and sounding board. To truly make a difference, simply be an example while home. Teenagers will watch and learn from what they see and respond to that far more than they will to advice, not matter how well meaning.

    Lead by example. Try and influence the food choices while visiting. Talk to your Dad and Step-mom about balancing their meals more to have a better variety and options so she can have choices. Most likey you will not be able to turn them into a full-blown healthy house but if you cook a few really tasty yet good for you meals, leave them with examples on how to change it up etc. You have a shot at leaving after vacation with a real impression and example.

    Just my .02
  • chrystee
    chrystee Posts: 295 Member
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    I love the 'trap her into a mani/pedi plan!!! ANY outing would work. Also, knowing how it feels to be the 'fat teen' with the 'skinny aunt' I agree with the make it about you conversation. "So, how are things going at school? Interested in any sports or activities?"... if I flashed back *gulp* twenty years I know where that would gave gone for me..."Well auntie I don't do sports, I'm not exactly in great shape as you can see..." then you follow up with "I know how you must feel, I used to be... " Heck, see where it goes!

    YES.

    Please don't go in with a "you need to do this, you need to stop that" conversation. It will not help..
    Take her out.. hopefully she will say something about weight loss.. then you can start with the part about MFP and how you used it to lose weight.. etc. Give her some confidence..

    My stepmom tried to "help" me and it was just unproductive and made it worse.

    If she is being raised by her Grandparents, then its obvious she has some feelings about why her parents are not raising her, and I bet she is overeating based on emotions. maybe she needs some counseling.
  • AbbsyBabbsy
    AbbsyBabbsy Posts: 184 Member
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    I know you're determined to talk to your niece no matter what, but I'm going to join the chorus of saying it's a bad, bad idea. She's 13. From what you've said, she feels fat and self-conscious. Her family is supposed to be her soft place to fall. Kids at school might give her a hard time about her weight, but her family never should. Again, she's 13. No matter how you say whatever you think you're going to say she WILL take it badly. She will not think you care. She will not thank you. She will be hurt that you weren't a soft place to fall, annoyed that you are lecturing when you were overweight yourself (it will look hypocritical to her, NOT inspiring), and angry that you confronted her. You cannot word it well enough to avoid this reaction. I'd bet you my house.

    If you are concerned, talk to her guardians. They are the ones who need to be involved and make the change. Do you really think a 13 year old girl can lose weight if her guardians make no changes? Her guardians need to insist she enroll in a sport, or take family walks, or cook healthy meals. This is their battle to fight, not yours. All you can do is suggest a call to action.
  • cmeade20
    cmeade20 Posts: 1,238 Member
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    Im gonna be very blunt here. When I was thirteen if my aunt that I saw once year and I was not close to (and had a feeling wasnt crazy about me) tried to talk to me about losing weight I'd probably tell her to *kitten* off.(Told you I was going to be blunt) However Im ssuming youre in pretty good shape. She might ask how you stay so skinny. If she does something like that or brings it up in other manner, then you have a window to offer her some advice.
  • Anna800
    Anna800 Posts: 637 Member
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    i have a 13yr old niece who lives in maine with my dad and my stepmom (her grandparents)...; 10 cookies and then ice cream cone for dessert, 2-3 helpings at dinner, no exercise of any kind with the exception of hanging out with friends in the backyard pool.....

    I would take a daily walk with her everyday. I would tell your dad they simply can not have cookies and ice cream in the house. I think it's really nice of you to get involved.
  • treehopper1987
    treehopper1987 Posts: 505 Member
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    This is difficult. I know my mom tried to get me to lose weight when I was about that age, which led to me having self-esteem issues (she wasn't mean about it, I can just be sensitive sometimes) that I am overcoming now in my twenties. I think the best thing you can really do is talk to her guardian, since they are supplying her food. Also, it never hurts to ask her to join you in your exercise. I do this with my family members to help them out without saying "you're fat" or "you need to lose weight". Also, explaining to her what it really takes to lose weight and that there are no miracle drugs or solutions gives her a more realistic approach to weight loss if she is really serious about it.
  • bradphil87
    bradphil87 Posts: 617 Member
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    It's always touchy....personally, I don't say anything to my nephew about it. But I do tell my brother he has to start feeding him better foods. Honestly, when a child has no control over what is brought into the house (food wise) it is 100 percent the parents fault. 100 percent. The child does not have the ability to go out and buy theses foods (they don't make the money) my advise would be talking to your parents. Your niece has zero control over the foods that are and are not brought into the house (outside of suggestions of course.)
  • Krissy366
    Krissy366 Posts: 458 Member
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    If you're truly worried about her, work on your relationship with her. Let her know you care about her and you're there for her. Lead by example. When she's ready, she'll ask how you lost weight.

    best advice yet...you need to have somewhat of a relationship before this girl will even listen to you

    Agree 100%.

    And I don't think you have to wait til you get there to start. Send her emails - asking her what she'd like to do while you're around. Or about some common interest, or something you know she likes. A TV show, a band, anything. Call her to say hi and check in. Doesn't matter if it's a 5 minute conversation and she thinks you're a weirdo for it, you need to foster the relationship first.

    And I agree with those saying talk to your dad/step mother. Kids can get junk without help, but certainly if she's in the position to be eating nearly a dozen cookies plus ice cream at home there is a problem with the food that is being provided to her as I assume she is not doing the shopping on her own.

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