Does anyone else struggle with their stepchildren?

Hi,

I don't have the emotional energy to reply to you tonight but can you pm me so I remember to send you a message over the next day or so?

I get it. Believe me, I get everything you have just said. You aren't selfish - but there is so much more I can say too.

Please pm me - sorry I just have a few other things going on and can't do it right now.

Kris.

I have 2 wonderful stepkids, one with special needs. I understand where you are coming from.

Sounds like several things are going on. You two having custody of him may just be a Godsend right now. Here's my 2 cents:

1) This boy is starving for attention. He is also testing your boundries and limits. Stay strong and keep doing what you have been.

2) ADHD can be affected tremendously by diet. Symptoms tend to be worsened by food additives - especially red food coloring. Also, it has been found that aggressive behavior in children can very often be traced back to a sensitivity to corn.

3) He also sounds like he is sleep deprived. It may take a few weeks, but you will most likely see a drastic improvement just by getting him on a regular sleep schedule. Can dad read him bedtime stories? That may help with the attention thing, while making him feel like it is OK to be in bed and he is not missing out on anything.

4) Whatever you do, do NOT say anything bad about his mom in front of him. You can teach him much more by being a positive example than you can through words. With the "Mum lets me___" just let him know that while he is with daddy, he is to follow daddy's rules, just like when he is in school he is to follow the school's rules. It's just the way life works.

23 years ago, I found myself in a situation very similar to yours. My stepson was 9 at the time and lived with us during the week and spent every other weekend with his mother (theoretically anyway, if she didn't have anything better to do that weekend, she'd take him).

His mom was also a piece of work. Her own life and the endless parade of boyfriends and such was a priority for her. It was very hard emotionally for him to see his mom's life in such a state of flux, with little to any structure, but he didn't vocalize that. The only structure he got was when he was with us. Believe me, there was a lot of rebelliousness as he tested us and in particular me.

I didn't have any of my own at the time, so all of a sudden I was the mother of a 9 year old, with all the responsibilities and obligations. He didn't make it easy. He was placed in behavioral disorders classes at school and remained there into high school where his rebellious streak now turned to smoking, alcohol and drugs.

It took setting a lot of limits, enforcing them with both discipline and love. It took me proving to him that time and time again he could stumble, he could fall, but I'd still there. It took the two of us working together as husband and wife, committed to a strong and loving relationship with each other, to prove relationships can be steadfast, dependable and durable.

Today, my son is 32. He's married, has 3 kids of his own and we have a great relationship. I still remember the day he listed me as family on facebook. He listed me as his mother. His own mother questioned this and seemed hurt. But we both knew who really raised him and the acknowledgement was valid.

My best advice to you is to hang in there. Don't be swayed, don't give in. Love strong. You have something to prove, do it. You can do this. You and your fiance can do this together. You'll need his support in this and as long as you have that, it's totally doable.

I'm in a similar situation, but with a 10-year-old step-daughter to be whose mother can be a nightmare sometimes.

You definitely need to get your stepson-to-be to understand that different houses have different rules - it doesn't matter what happens at Mum's house, this is how it's done at Dad's house. Also, he needs to understand that your house is YOUR house as well as his Dad's. Boundaries are very important. You'll also need to get your fiance on side; if you tell your stepson off, he can't go whinging to his Dad and get a totally different response. This undermines you and confuses the little boy; it doesn't help anyone. Talk to your fiance and gently remind him that you're learning to be a parent with a child who isn't your own, so you didn't start out from a point of unconditional love like he did.

It can be horrible when you're faced with a child who isn't your own who is being a pain and you feel completely lumbered. It definitely takes patience to build a solid relationship, and it will get a bit easier as he gets older and becomes more aware of your emotions and the effect his actions have on them. My step-daughter-to-be sometimes accidentally calls me "Mum", which is both terrifying (I'm not legally old enough to be your mother! Stop it!) but she looks up to me and that feels amazing.

Hang in there - if his dad is worth it, then your stepson is too.

Ok, I suppose the first things you need to address are with your fiancé. Does he want you to be a co-parent to this child? What is your role going to be? Are you going to be part of disciplining this child? Does he want you to treat this child like your own?
Those are important questions.
Another thing is, please don't resent this child. He is a product of his environment and it is not his fault that his mom is useless. He's also faced major upheaval- being removed from his home and his mom? Any kid would act out.

What I would do when he misbehaves and comes out with "But my mom lets me...."- "SKid, That is great. But this is not your mom's home, so we are not following your mom's rules. You will respect our rules while you are in this house."

Basically, all these issues can be helped by you and fiancé being on the same team.
If you really can't come to love this kid, or treat him with love and kindness- my only advice is to leave. This kid will always be a part of your DF's life. It will only generate misery and resentment if you dislike this kid then he picks up on it and starts disliking you back. Remember, this child is an innocent. He may be a brat, but he wasn't born one. He was made one.

I am not a stepmum. I have had stepmums in my life. But my reply comes from working with separated parents at a children's contact centre for the past few years. The very best thing I can say is, firstly - good on you mate. Huge pat on the back. I can also say your BF is prob thinking the same things as you have mentioned, he has found a love in his life ready to accept him and pretty much ready to accept his child in all these cyclonic situations. He will be seeking reasurance just the same as the child will be to form trust.

The best thing for the kid is actually routine and this is the first time he will have it, and the first time he will have an opportunity to grow and develop as a child should in a stable environment and regular routine lifestyle. He will thrive. It will take time. It is hard to get into 'child focused' mindset as he isn't yours. Dont feel guilty, the thoughts you are having a all normal and not selfish. They are simply thoughts that raise further questions. Take the time to answer those questions. You are doing the right thing seeking support and feedback too. You need to talk to your partner of all things as you both need to find out what is on your mind, what are you immediate concerns, worries and cares. If your partner is willing to take in his child full time alongside you as his partner, it says a lot for what he thinks of you. He thinks you are a suitable role model for his child. A suitable Mum and his choice for his child.

Work alongside schools, child cares, doctors involved in that childs life and try to make the very best of it. You do need to remember this though....You need to make sure you make 'WE', 'ME' and 'US' time in your lives. The 'ME' time is for you as individual adults, both of you individually need to find your very own 'ME' time, activity or hobby even. You need to find an activity every day or at least weekly, for yourself that is on your own and is for your complete benefit. Your individual 'ME' time should also include a separate social group. Yes you can have a united social group but also have times alone for just the girls and just the boys, this keeps the relationship interesting just like when you first dated. You get to go out with your friends and then come together as a couple and have stuff to chat about. Keeps you interested in each other and what you are both doing individually. Next is the 'WE' time and this is as a group, as a family unit. A 'WE' activity for the three of you together that is regular and focused on you all as a family unit. Something your son likes to do, a sporting activity, riding bikes, going somewhere regular where you can interact together. The other is the 'US' time and this cant just be left to climbing into bed next to each other, talking and/or sex. It needs to be an 'US' time that is going out together away from your son, away from friends. You need to make a 'date' night. All this ME WE and US talk is focusing on balance in your lives. Balance that considers all family members and for a family to work, all members of the family unit need to be considered.

Every relationship on average can go through a 'rough spot' every 7 years or so. Its quite natural. So having a date night, keeping a regular routine of 'WE', 'ME' and 'US' ensures a balance in all relationships within the household and can potentially avoid this rough spot appearing. You dont want that of course, no one does, so this is only said as a preventative method only, nothing to do with how you guys are going at the moment because planning weddings says stable relationship and good things are in place for you both!

You may want to find an activity that is focused on you and your son and your partner and his son. Just groups of 2 activities. There are multiple relationships going on this household.

Of all things, routine and stability are going to be what works best for your young man. he will do a lot better than what his Mums prior belief of 'give him what he wants and he will always love mummy the most', just wont work. Kids totally need and want structure. Routine gives structure. It teaches kids life skills and gives them the base grounding for what is expected in life at school, for when he goes to work and as an adult. He will eventually learn that his dad and step mum care the very most because they have given and taught him 'guidelines' moreso than a 'couldn't care less' attitiude that the idea of do what you want inadvertantly gives out. The natural mothers eventual mistake!

You have to not take the comments he throws personnally. He says them to get a reaction and probably even because his Mum might have set him up to say them. He could very well be repeating things his mother has said due to her anger and issues over the prior relationship that didn't work with the father. Her loss. Now you can be the winner by letting the 'little stuff slide'. Dont sweat the small things as you will get angry all too often and the child will feel like he is winning. You need to show him you are in control at all times. The words he says are just that, words. Kids really dont mean them, they are just trying to get you to react. So the less you react to harsh comments from the kid, the less frequent they will occur. If you respond in kind, in the same manner as the child with angry words and harsh disconnected words, he will be the winner and have control over the situation. You cannot ever let him think he has 'gotten to you'. You are the parent. You are in control and you will win all situations mentally even if they feel like they are failing emotionally/verbally.

Stay in control or at least look like you are staying in control by only ever getting angry out of sight. Give yourself 'time out' and walk away to another room, scream into a pillow, sit in the car and yell expletives till your heart rate is pumped and finally ready to come down. Repetition and dual parenting is also part of the stability he needs. You both parenting in the same way will be the ONLY way things will work or he will learn to play one parent off the other. My partner and I are always checking with each other or even putting in the kids hands, "Well what did Dad say" and then check ourselves. Our kids have learnt that they get the same response from both of us or consquences for trying to get a 'yes' out of one of us when the other has said 'no'.

This is going to be hard. But of all things matey, you are in love. You love this man enough to be concerned about your future together and taking on the role of step mum. Good luck, it will be a hard journey and I give you a huge pat on the back for doing this. Being a parent for someone else's child is a selfless act.

I have to say for your part also though sweetie, you do have to consider all your thoughts and what it is you truly want. If you want to be in this mans life, if he fulfills your life enough that the hard work seems do-able, then you are going to get through this together. If it seems that you have other concerns in your life, figuring out what it is you want as your future, then write it down, consider it whole heartedly and be completely honest with this man of yours. You both need to discuss this. He truly honestly needs to know how you are feeling mate.

You both will have hesitations. You both will have worries, concerns, goals, dreams. They have to be talked about to be worked on together. He is in a situation where he feels responsible. He would feel things like guilt and pressure for this being placed on him as such. He didn't ask for it, but he did the baby making move and it was decided for him.

There is a reason this child has been placed in your lives. Find and focus on the positives. Look at the facts this man will test you and you will learn and become a stronger person because of it. I hope you find what you are looking for with your future. It is unknown, but you need to decide, are you ready to face the unknown. Just know that you will be doing so together as a united parental team hey. I truly wish you the very best for the future. Take care! Here anytime you need to chat also. feel free to message me if I have at all helped and you want more support. I feel for you my dear. You have a possible life journey that is not only going to be hard but one that is potentially going to be full of and rewarded with love even in the most adverse of ways.

bump

I'm going to tell you what I didn't have the heart to tell my friend. If you can't love and except his child, don't marry that man. I watched my girlfriend go though the exact same thing and it destroyed their marriage and my girlfriend mentally miss treated her stepson, especially when she had her kids, and his behavior got worse.

I'm older, experienced and agree with the above poster. I've seen this happen before and it's a heartbreaker. You are being set up for a lifetime of grief. So sorry, I'm not optimistic about the situtation. I'd delay the marriage and see if things improve before you commit. I guess I'm just not as self sacrificing as some people.

True love is unconditional. There are no despites. However I also believe in happiness for one's self. You can love someone and be miserable. So IMO you have to choose what's most important to you. Right now you could be just overwhelmed, but children really are what family is about and the age the child is at is good to help reset habits.

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Being a divorcee, and watching what has happened with my son after he goes over to his fathers home during visitation and knowing what it is like as a step-child, do realize that this child needs love from you and his father. It is difficult for children to deal with another adult when they are treated badly, they begin building resentment against the step parent and the father/mother. I see it happening in my son as he grows. This lady above has said it best:

If you really can't come to love this kid, or treat him with love and kindness- my only advice is to leave. This kid will always be a part of your DF's life. It will only generate misery and resentment if you dislike this kid then he picks up on it and starts disliking you back. Remember, this child is an innocent. He may be a brat, but he wasn't born one. He was made one.

Be good to the kid and work on understanding him. It is hard for many people to accept another's child but it is very important to the parent and to the child that you all learn to love and care for each other. Show him that he (the child) is important and treat him kindly. I only suggest these things, but you are not inclined to follow.

This is so true. As stepmom - you are never the parent, but are usually the only one who can act in that role without the emotions of the past relationship. It is horribly difficult. If you aren't prepared for this throughout your marriage, you really need to speak with your fiancee now. It changes over time, sometimes harder, sometimes easier. You don't get to be selfish about it once you are married. The child's best interest trumps your own. I can't tell you what the future holds if you do marry into this. It could be calm and easy most of the time, but it could just as easily be a constant turmoil in the house. You have to be ready for either one.

I have been involved with my fiance since his daughter was only 2 weeks old. (Just for the record, she dumped him while she was pregnant and didn't tell him - he found out the week before the baby was born). We have made it clear from the start exactly what would and would not be tolerated in our home. Her mother allows her to run wild but we do not. She is intelligent and learned what she could and could not do in our home. We did not childproof or put away breakables, we told her she was not allowed to touch and she didn't. She has been spanked a total of twice in our home in the past seven years. I do not discipline her - that is her father's job but she knows that he backs me up 100% so I don't have any problems when I tell her what to do.

Your fiance needs to suck it up and parent. Children are smart enough to know what will and will not be tolerated. You don't have to spank him ... just make certain that he has a consequence that gets his attention. My soon-to-be stepdaughter learned to give up a pacifier in our home at 2, her mother let her keep it at home until she was 5. She learned to sleep by herself in our home but still sleeps with her mom at their house. You have to teach children. They want boundaries - it makes them feel safe.

Here's my story 2nd marriage....We had ...His (6) Mine (1) Ours (2) = 9 children altogether and now I'm 57 yrs old and now have my brothers 4 children and are raising them as well!
It's HARD BUT you have to do it and when you become a Step Mother or Biological Mother or Aunt Mother, THE KIDS HAVE TO COME FIRST!!! Hands down! I have lived it and believe me it can work.....You have to love them through it and it's a very difficult and a thankless job at times.
If you can't do that, do your fiance a favor and yourself a favor, don't marry him. I don't want to sound mean but if you can't do that, The resentment and etc will make you fall out of love with him eventually, you'll move on but, the heart ache and regrets and etc will go with you.