Does anyone else struggle with their stepchildren?

Okay, so you're in a hard situation for sure. I had two step-children and one of them was just awful. I ended-up having to kick him out of the house at 18 because it was just that bad. My marriage has just ended, attorney is drawing up the paperwork this week, as a result of our inability to deal with him from the time he was 10 until now which is three years after I kicked him out.

It almost sounds like it would be best if you had full custody of him but you must get some help for him and the family. ADHD... I bet it's probably not. ADHD meds like Aderol don't compensate for a lack of discipline and stability in the child's life. He's just been completely undisciplined for 5 years and that's the real issue. No matter how good of a father your fiance is, it doesn't matter because he's with mom considerably more. Also, by the time they're 5 they've already developed into a lot of the person they're going to be; it's doable but it's going to take some work.

Based on my marriage and what I leaned I will say this. Have a serious discussion with your fiance right now about this. I bet he could get full custody of him, make a case to dissolve the mother's rights or at the least get supervised visitation, and you guys can work on it as a family. BUT, it's going to take all three of you and you and him will have to talk about this and be very honest with each other. This kid needs good consistent discipline and stability at this point and although I do support spanking, that's not going to solve anything with the type of child he's become. If this goes un-addressed the child will only get worse, it will not get better, he will not grow out of it, and he most definitely will not wake up and be mature when he hits 18. Right now it's little problems like wanting to watch TV when he wants, eat what he wants, etc. But when he's 12, 13, 14 the issues become big, violence, theft, and drugs. I say this because my oldest stepson sounds a lot like your stepson, a lot. He's currently 21 and sitting in jail for a DUI. He was arrested twice as a minor (@ 19 and 20) for underage drinking. At 16 he was head-stomping another kid into the pavement and the only reason he stopped is because 3 other kids pulled him off, the kid had a concussion as a result. Imagine if Nick didn't stop head-stomping him??? That doesn't cover him dealing drugs, not just pot either, while in middle school and high school. At 8 years old, his issues were wanting to watch what he wanted when he wanted, video games, staying up, basically doing whatever the hell he wanted when he wanted. His father was also an alcoholic.

If you can't come to a compromise for how to do this then DO NOT get married. We spent most of our marriage absorbed with this kids problems and those problems bled into our relationship and it was really rough, I have no idea where the last 10 years of my life went but they definitely went. The real issue is that we just couldn't come to compromise in dealing with his behavior. With his father still being in the picture it just dismantled all the work we did. Unfortunately, she refused to file to remove his father's custody, big mistake.

I'm not trying to be a jerk but I can't reiterate this enough, the child will NOT get better if he doesn't' get addressed and addressed soon and consistently. I didn't catch when you're getting married but delaying it until you really figure out what's going on might not be a bad idea. If you're frustrated now it ONLY gets worse. It will save a lot time and heartache in the long run.

(((HUG))) I thought you might need this!!
Just take your time so the decision is the one everyone can live with the rest of their lives. Good Luck