LADIES HELP! a mother's struggle - what do MFPERS suggest?

As a girl, my mom was always worried about my weight, as well as hers. Unfortunately, the way she went about it made me more self conscious than anything. I really believe you need to be careful, and not make this a 'diet' for her. Have healthy foods around, but also teach her how to have self control with those foods she loves. Maybe talk to her about some of her favorite things and find out what it is about them that she likes, the flavor, the texture, etc. then see if you can find some healthier alternatives that meet those desires. But, you are the parent, so you are going to have to set limits with her and follow through. Maybe get some fun active Wii games (if you have that) like Zumba, Just Dance, etc. to get some fun exercise. But be very careful to let her know how much you love her, no matter what.

Another thing his nutritionist said to do was to have a drawer or basket available to him with "free foods." These are things he can get on his own whenever he's hungry. You could do something similar for your daughter so that if she really needs a between meal snack, it could be full of fruits and veggies or small servings of yogurt, etc. It will help her feel like she's still in control but you as her mom are controlling the nutritional content.

i totally agree with this above ^^

my friend's pedi told her the same thing about her son. she had the bottom drawer of the refrigerator full of things he could reach himself, and not have to ask for. cheese sticks, yogurt, grapes, fruits, tiny bottled water, etc. when he felt in control, he didn't eat nearly as much, because he knew he didn't have to sneak to get it, and it was all healthy.

Honestly, as a mother of 3 myself....You lost me when you said diet and your child in the same sentence! You do NOT want to put your child on a diet at 10 years old, that is just going to set her up for failure and she could possibly go through the rest of her life struggling with body image. She is a child! She needs to eat the right things and stay away from the bad things like processed foods and sugary drinks. She needs to go out and play and not sit around. Take her to the pediatrician and ask him or her for their thoughts as well. My daughter has been big since the day she was born and she is 10 as well, right now she is 110 and very tall for her age. She always looked plump up til this year, she grew into it and really looks great and carries herself well! It will take some time for her...and you do not get discouraged, let her be a kid, motivate her and love her, compliment her and talk to her like a young lady because that is what she really needs right now, she doesn't want to feel like a little child or a disappointment. Good luck dear :flowerforyou: .

^ I agree with this. Saved me a lot of tying too!
No diet.
Get her active.
See the doctor.

I am the mom of two boys, 11 and 9. I also teach middle school, grades 6-8, so all of your concerns are noted and valid. However, while reading your OP, it concerned me that you knew, down to the 1/2 pound, the amount of weight she gained during her sports camps. How often do you make her weigh? Have you considered her feelings when you weigh?
I digress, I agree with many responses you have received. This needs to be a family change. Your husband and boys need to be on board and involved. Let them know the food changes you all need to make. Being boys, I am sure they can all think back to the chubby girl in jr. high and high school. Do they want their sister to go through that? I also agree that you can get her to exercise without pushing it on her. Again, use your husband and boys. Go fishing, hiking, play soccer, basketball in the driveway. When you take them to a practice, take your daughter and walk while they practice. Go in the front yard and help her practice her kicks for soccer. The Zumba class idea is great. Cook meals together! Then she will learn to cook healthy.
All of these changes will not come at once, but starting small will do wonders. It is wonderful you are concerned, and remember too...kids this age grow out, then up. You are the parents, make this a family change and stay positive with her. Good luck!!!

Only "good for you foods" in the house. shut off the vidio games and internet at certain times of the day along with TV. Once my kids would go outside i would have a hard time getting them back in. Pack a picnic, go to the zoo, bike to the icecream station and get a nice little cone. the zumba would be a blast i would think. Just got to keep busy for her and well for you too. Always have nice cold water in the fridge and cubes in the freezer. No soda, i feel, that is a huge weight gain item even the sugar free. but again my opinion. Go have some fun

I agree that weighing her outside of the doctor's office is probably counterproductive. It's bad enough how the scale makes us adults feel like failures. I might even hide my scale.

First of all, she needs to go to a doctor. She could have an underlying medical issue you are unaware of.

Second I will offer you some arm chair psychology -- take it for what it is worth.

Perhaps your daughter recognizes your displeasure with her weight, is reading that as rejection, and being resistant because she's sad about that. I get that you want her to be healthy, but maybe she doesn't understand that is your motivation -- maybe what she hears is you don't like how she looks.

I highly suggest you STOP weighing your daughter at home (let a professional monitor her). Do not police her food choices, but make make good choices easy to make (limited junk food in the house). She is 10 and probably doesn't have her own money to buy junk food or make meals by herself. Find an activity she likes to do and make sure she's doing it. I think this should be a physical activity (which it sounds like she has) but also maybe some basic cooking lessens from you or looking up recipes that are healthy or helping you plan meals and a grocery list. Something that gets her involved in understanding nutrition without it being a "diet". Have her dad/brothers (especially dad) involved.

Those are just my immediate thoughts.

i think you're a great caring mom for wanting what is best for your child. i agree with taking her to the pedi to make sure there are no under-lying health issues contributing to her weight. in the meantime, STOP with anything unhealthy coming in the doors of the house. like someone else said, you buy the groceries, you control what comes in. if you show her there are healthy & yummy choices, she will start to make these choices even when you are not around.

i think "forcing" exercise is a harsh way of saying it. i would say encourage. swimming at the pool together, going to a water park, walking on nature hikes, etc. but if push comes to shove, then SHOVE! you are the adult and you have to get her body moving.

i also agree with one of the previous posts regarding her feelings toward you as she ages. if you sit back, do NOTHING, "let" her stay on the computer (or t.v. etc.) and allow her to eat any foods she likes, she WILL continue to gain weight and one day, she will resent you. RIGHT NOW, she might be temporarily upset, but DEEP INSIDE, she WANTS you to be the parent and make the choice. our children are BEGGING for us to make good choices for them! they are weak, immature and incapable (most of the time) of making the right choices and they RELY on good parenting to get them through.

you are going to make it through - HANG IN THERE! parenting is hard, every single bit of it! stay strong!

This is good advice. My granddaughter started getting "pudgy" and her DR put her on a diet...yes, her Dr did, at 11. She was also diagnosed as depressed and ADHD. Once the issues were found, and healthy eating kicked in, she is a nice, slender 13 yr old now.
You are the mom, and she needs guidance. The kids are probably already making fun of her now. You need to get her in to see her Dr, and talk to the family about no junk food in site.

Hello, I am a mother of a 24yr old daughter who has had a weight issue most of her life (just like her mother) and yes it was a lot of my fault for her being that way. You need to do the tough love. Check with her doctor/pediatrician and see what they suggest. If your husband and boys are active then get them on board with the exercise too. You need to explain to her the health risks, emotional risks and let her know that you are really concerned. I agree with the person who said to go walk at the mall and then reward her with something non edible ie movie, get nails done etc. You might also tell her that if she gets on board and loses some of the weight you will buy her a new outfit.

Please feel free to check out my profile and add me as a friend if you would like. I would love to support you both and help however I can with encouragement, ideas, motivation etc.

You two can do this and I am behind you all the way!!!!

Hugs
Bev

Honestly, as a mother of 3 myself....You lost me when you said diet and your child in the same sentence! You do NOT want to put your child on a diet at 10 years old, that is just going to set her up for failure and she could possibly go through the rest of her life struggling with body image. She is a child! She needs to eat the right things and stay away from the bad things like processed foods and sugary drinks. She needs to go out and play and not sit around. Take her to the pediatrician and ask him or her for their thoughts as well. My daughter has been big since the day she was born and she is 10 as well, right now she is 110 and very tall for her age. She always looked plump up til this year, she grew into it and really looks great and carries herself well! It will take some time for her...and you do not get discouraged, let her be a kid, motivate her and love her, compliment her and talk to her like a young lady because that is what she really needs right now, she doesn't want to feel like a little child or a disappointment. Good luck dear :flowerforyou: .

THIS THIS THIS did I say THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think you are completely doing the right thing by trying to give her "tough love". I agree with what others have said- only buy and offer healthy food options and make her exercise. Try lots of different things until she finds something she enjoys. I wouldn't make it about her needing to lose weight however. Just focus on being healthy. My kids are not and have never been overweight, but we still talk about eating right and the importance of exercising for HEALTH. We weren't always like this so the change was difficult at first. It feels so good when I see them make their own healthy choices now- like ordering water and fruit at a restaurant instead of soda and fries. Personally, I don't think it has anything to do with weight but more teaching our children about living an active, healthy lifestyle so it just comes naturally when they are older. When your daughter loses weight becaus of the healthy changes you are making that will just be an added bonus.

I have two small children and grew up with a sister who was always obese, and a controlling, weight-obsessed mother who managed to make both my sister's life and my life miserable with her constant hounding about my sister's weight. My sister is still obese, and what I have come to realize is that it was my own mother's anxiety and inability to control her weight that drove her to constantly control my sister.

The fact is that kids do what we do. The only reason I finally started losing weight after being depressed about it for two years was for my kids. It wasn't until recently that it became for myself. My son, who is 5 and in the 110th percentile for both height and weight, is a very stocky kid. He wants to do EXACTLY what I do.

Here is my point - you recently committed to losing weight, which is fabulous and wonderful. But, how many times has your daughter watched you do so before? How many times have you tried, given up, and gone back to food as a comfort? I can ask this because I have done the exact same thing, and think of how that pattern influences my children, and that stopping it is the most important thing I can do.

Your daughter has probably watched you gain the weight, and try multiple times to lose it. Suddenly (perhaps) you are gung-ho about losing it and expect her to just get on board immediately. Why would you expect that of her when she has seen your pattern?

It takes all people, kids included, time to believe that we have changed. Kids are incredibly perceptive. My five year old has noticed more things than I ever thought possible.

If you keep living your healthy lifestyle and demonstrate to her that you have changed to a healthy life, and not just a fad diet, she will slowly get on board - and that is because you are her biggest idol, her hero, her mom. You won't have to force the issue or potentially cause her life-long issues, because she will see and trust the change in you, and suddenly realize the healthy life is possible for her too - all because of you.

you are her mother. you dictate what she eats, and you need make her exercise. period.

stop letting her walk all over you!

kids are cruel. you do not want her to hate you when she gets older for letting her be fat her whole life. trust me. nip that in the bud now.

Do you have kids? If so, how have you accomplished this with them? If not, from what experience do you speak?

yes, i have 2 boys, aged 10 and 11. both are healthy and active.

i accomplished this by bringing them up loving delicious food. we have a garden, i think that helps a lot.
they do love their junk! but they also know how important vegetables and proteins are.

You need to just stop and look at yourself. You are pushing your body image issues on her. why not strive to make the whole family healthy. Take a family walk. You know at 10 i was the only fat girl in my family. My step mom put locks on the fridge and cabinets. I was forced to take diet pills and drink slimfast. My aunts always told me i have such a pretty face and would look better skinny. They caused me to turn to food for comfort. I felt unloved and unaccepted. you want her to be healthy fine. Dont single her out. Work on your whole family.

LISTEN TO THIS!!!!!!!!

Just because your husband and sons are thin doesn't mean they are healthy! Always room for improvement. You don't have to be in denial about your daughter's size or suggest to her it is healthy -- but you don't have to give a 10 year old girl "tough love" over her size either.