Cheating (on your spouse, not with food)

Ali_TSO
Ali_TSO Posts: 1,172 Member
in Chit-Chat
This isn't really fun OR games, but we'll have to settle for chit-chat. :) This is a long story, but if you want to, please read on.

This is the biggest confession I've ever made in a public setting.... but I'm gonna fess up: I'm a chronic cheater. :ohwell:

This doesn't make me a bad person, it's just a flaw I have. I haven't done it in YEARS, but still...it's there. To break it down a little:

~Was "bf/gf" with a guy when I was 10-14 and then we broke up bc I kissed someone else (I know we were young, but that's a LONG time in kid years)

~Went out with a guy when I was 15-17 and somehow I fell into an actual "relationship" (not just kissing) with his cousin, ugh

~Went out with a guy when I was 18-21 and I kissed his best friend when we were 20, we didn't break up though, got through it (& then broke up when he slept with someone else)

~Went out with a fantastic guy when I was 21-23, didn't cheat on him, but we broke up for other reasons

~Moved to FL, met my husband when I was 24, married when I was 25, and been together ever since (I'm turning 30 next month).

Now, I know it's hard to believe, but I LOVED all these guys, and I'm not REAL sure why I strayed... Thinking maybe it was boredom? :huh:

I'm just asking for opinions, bc I want to keep my marriage strong. This is not a troll thread. He's the best man I've ever known and I want to make him happy bc he makes ME happy. But there's always that thought in my head of something better... and I want it to go away. Maybe we should spice things up? Maybe I should talk to a therapist?
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Replies

  • spade117
    spade117 Posts: 2,466 Member
    www.howtomakegoodsammiches.com
  • camelgirlmn
    camelgirlmn Posts: 226 Member
    Im no therapist. But my opinion is... Maybe all them other guys you didnt really love? Maybe you thought you did/ felt you did. I was with the same guy for 14 years, I swore up and down that I loved him. And always claimed that up till recently. he was my high school sweetheart. I realize now that Im engaged to another man. This man has made me happier than Ive ever been in my life, I realize I truly didnt love that other guy because I cheated on him more than once. Which caused a rift in our relationship at the time. But thinking back I know that it wasnt really meant to be. Now if you have the thought of cheating on your current husband, think about what it is that is causing you to want to stray. and go from there.
  • Ali_TSO
    Ali_TSO Posts: 1,172 Member
    www.howtomakegoodsammiches.com

    Thank you, but I already make a mean grilled turkey and cheese.
  • cindyhoney2
    cindyhoney2 Posts: 603 Member
    Talk to someone or you're never going to be happy. My BF is going thru the same thing right now and I tell her she has to completely trust herself before she can trust someone else. I have been happily married for going on 20 yrs snd I have never wondered if there is something better out there...he's all I need :)
    Good luck to you!
  • JPO1980
    JPO1980 Posts: 34 Member
    Think you're labelling yourself - at the ages you've mentioned I would put that down as pretty standard behaviour...
    If you're looking outside of your marriage currently; you need to look at that relationship to see what is not right, forget the past!

    Just my opinion

    :flowerforyou:
  • spade117
    spade117 Posts: 2,466 Member
    www.howtomakegoodsammiches.com

    Thank you, but I already make a mean grilled turkey and cheese.

    I'd love one. Thank you.
  • Ali_TSO
    Ali_TSO Posts: 1,172 Member
    Im no therapist. But my opinion is... Maybe all them other guys you didnt really love? Maybe you thought you did/ felt you did. I was with the same guy for 14 years, I swore up and down that I loved him. And always claimed that up till recently. he was my high school sweetheart. I realize now that Im engaged to another man. This man has made me happier than Ive ever been in my life, I realize I truly didnt love that other guy because I cheated on him more than once. Which caused a rift in our relationship at the time. But thinking back I know that it wasnt really meant to be. Now if you have the thought of cheating on your current husband, think about what it is that is causing you to want to stray. and go from there.

    Thanks. I think the serious weight gain is a large part of it, bc I'm 347 and he's just over 400, and while we've each lost a bunch of weight, we're not that intimate. Another part of that is, he's been without a job for over 6 months, and his confidence was shot, so I think that kept some distance between us too. He just got a job though, starts Monday. Hoping things will get back to great with us and my thoughts will not stray.
  • Ali_TSO
    Ali_TSO Posts: 1,172 Member
    Think you're labelling yourself - at the ages you've mentioned I would put that down as pretty standard behaviour...
    If you're looking outside of your marriage currently; you need to look at that relationship to see what is not right, forget the past!

    Just my opinion

    :flowerforyou:

    Thanks :flowerforyou:
  • jaxdiablo
    jaxdiablo Posts: 580
    Man, I saw this then saw you were in Middleburg and was like, man, I'd be a horrible person to start flirting with her wouldn't I? lol j/k

    Good luck with your issues, just be good to the person who is good to you.
  • Twidget12
    Twidget12 Posts: 71
    www.howtomakegoodsammiches.com

    Hahahah YESSSSS!
  • bluefox9er
    bluefox9er Posts: 2,917 Member
    This isn't really fun OR games, but we'll have to settle for chit-chat. :) This is a long story, but if you want to, please read on.

    This is the biggest confession I've ever made in a public setting.... but I'm gonna fess up: I'm a chronic cheater. :ohwell:

    This doesn't make me a bad person, it's just a flaw I have. I haven't done it in YEARS, but still...it's there. To break it down a little:

    ~Was "bf/gf" with a guy when I was 10-14 and then we broke up bc I kissed someone else (I know we were young, but that's a LONG time in kid years)

    ~Went out with a guy when I was 15-17 and somehow I fell into an actual "relationship" (not just kissing) with his cousin, ugh

    ~Went out with a guy when I was 18-21 and I kissed his best friend when we were 20, we didn't break up though, got through it (& then broke up when he slept with someone else)

    ~Went out with a fantastic guy when I was 21-23, didn't cheat on him, but we broke up for other reasons

    ~Moved to FL, met my husband when I was 24, married when I was 25, and been together ever since (I'm turning 30 next month).

    Now, I know it's hard to believe, but I LOVED all these guys, and I'm not REAL sure why I strayed... Thinking maybe it was boredom? :huh:

    I'm just asking for opinions, bc I want to keep my marriage strong. This is not a troll thread. He's the best man I've ever known and I want to make him happy bc he makes ME happy. But there's always that thought in my head of something better... and I want it to go away. Maybe we should spice things up? Maybe I should talk to a therapist?

    I think you need help...not just for the issue you raised, but for even giving your 1st world problems airtime.
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    I think it boils down to this;

    Do you understand the difference in needs of men and women in a relationship? Did your partners?
  • KilikiMom
    KilikiMom Posts: 237 Member
    Think you're labelling yourself - at the ages you've mentioned I would put that down as pretty standard behaviour...
    If you're looking outside of your marriage currently; you need to look at that relationship to see what is not right, forget the past!

    Just my opinion

    :flowerforyou:

    yes this

    you are not one i would call a chronic cheater....you did it a few times when you were young so what?!?! obviously you have no intention of doing it to your husband....
  • sweetnotsour
    sweetnotsour Posts: 14 Member
    Could it be that you are sabotaging yourself? Maybe deep down you feel (for some strange reason) that you don't deserve a good relationship and try to sabotage it? I think talking it out with a therapist would be the best bet in that situation. Otherwise, if you truly always wonder whether there is something better out there, then maybe this man isn't fulfilling your idea of a relationship. And hmm, if you don't want to cheat... don't? Good luck!
  • secondchance82
    secondchance82 Posts: 66
    I agree with what the other person said -- maybe it really wasn't love?

    I was with my first love from the time (only had a silly puppy love boyfriend before him) we got married at age 22, til we divorced this year. I never loved him. Never...there was even a point where I was ok with his porn addiction, and constant booty calls till I realized it was an unhealthy relationship. I also got married this year (we met during the divorce process) and what I have with him is just amazing, unlike nothing I EVER experienced with my first husband. I will NEVER look anywhere else because of what we have AND...we got counseling as soon as we got married since we both come into this marriage as divorcees and have a **** ton of baby mama and daddy drama that will effect our marriage.

    Counseling is key - seems like you both could benefit from it! :)
  • OMG_Twinkies
    OMG_Twinkies Posts: 215 Member
    Talk to a therapist. How is your self-esteem? How was it when you were younger? Has it changed for the better or worse? This is about you, not the guys, and it will continue to circle until you understand what's feeding the behavior.
  • starrygirl82
    starrygirl82 Posts: 76 Member
    It sounds like you were bored. You have to be a stronger person. If those feelings come again, think about what the end result would be. Would a moment of satisfaction really be worth destroying what you have with someone that you love and loves you back? Just remember that every time that you have a desire for something more. We all have flaws and nobody is perfect. Do something different to spice things up. Do something spontaneous. :)
  • threnners
    threnners Posts: 175 Member
    There is a website called Surviving Infidelity (google it) that has a special section just for wayward partners. I suggest you check it out, in addition to getting individual counseling.
  • Ali_TSO
    Ali_TSO Posts: 1,172 Member
    Man, I saw this then saw you were in Middleburg and was like, man, I'd be a horrible person to start flirting with her wouldn't I? lol j/k

    Good luck with your issues, just be good to the person who is good to you.

    hahaha, I can flirt without cheating, lol. But thanks!
  • Ali_TSO
    Ali_TSO Posts: 1,172 Member
    Could it be that you are sabotaging yourself? Maybe deep down you feel (for some strange reason) that you don't deserve a good relationship and try to sabotage it? I think talking it out with a therapist would be the best bet in that situation. Otherwise, if you truly always wonder whether there is something better out there, then maybe this man isn't fulfilling your idea of a relationship. And hmm, if you don't want to cheat... don't? Good luck!

    sabotage....never thought of that.... I think a therapist is gonna be my best bet too, thanks
  • OMG_Twinkies
    OMG_Twinkies Posts: 215 Member
    This isn't really fun OR games, but we'll have to settle for chit-chat. :) This is a long story, but if you want to, please read on.

    This is the biggest confession I've ever made in a public setting.... but I'm gonna fess up: I'm a chronic cheater. :ohwell:

    This doesn't make me a bad person, it's just a flaw I have. I haven't done it in YEARS, but still...it's there. To break it down a little:

    ~Was "bf/gf" with a guy when I was 10-14 and then we broke up bc I kissed someone else (I know we were young, but that's a LONG time in kid years)

    ~Went out with a guy when I was 15-17 and somehow I fell into an actual "relationship" (not just kissing) with his cousin, ugh

    ~Went out with a guy when I was 18-21 and I kissed his best friend when we were 20, we didn't break up though, got through it (& then broke up when he slept with someone else)

    ~Went out with a fantastic guy when I was 21-23, didn't cheat on him, but we broke up for other reasons

    ~Moved to FL, met my husband when I was 24, married when I was 25, and been together ever since (I'm turning 30 next month).

    Now, I know it's hard to believe, but I LOVED all these guys, and I'm not REAL sure why I strayed... Thinking maybe it was boredom? :huh:

    I'm just asking for opinions, bc I want to keep my marriage strong. This is not a troll thread. He's the best man I've ever known and I want to make him happy bc he makes ME happy. But there's always that thought in my head of something better... and I want it to go away. Maybe we should spice things up? Maybe I should talk to a therapist?

    I think you need help...not just for the issue you raised, but for even giving your 1st world problems airtime.


    Never belittle someone else's concerns. They are very real to the person experiencing them, and this is obviously an issue that is very personal to her. She has the insight to see the pattern in her life. Let her process. There's no need to be a bully.
  • Sgriffin2382
    Sgriffin2382 Posts: 360 Member
    Think you're labelling yourself - at the ages you've mentioned I would put that down as pretty standard behaviour...
    If you're looking outside of your marriage currently; you need to look at that relationship to see what is not right, forget the past!

    Just my opinion


    I completely agree with this! If you love this man with all your heart, then you won't cheat. In my personal opinion, once you cheat, you are admitting that you don't love that person any longer. It is not possible to love two people in the same capacity. I also believe that there is no need for cheating. If you aren't in love with the person anymore, then you shouldn't be together. But again, those are just my opinions.

    I know you love Mike, as much as you gush about him all the time :-) You have a strong marriage, and you have never strayed from him before. So don't worry about the past, and just live in the present. Everyone has baggage. but it has been so long ago now, that it is almost obsolete. Maybe your pending birthday is making you a little nostalgic?

    But just to agree with the above poster, it all sounds very age specific transgressions, and not really serious ones at that. If your heart is in the relationship, then you won't cheat. And if it isn't, then get out :heart:
  • Ali_TSO
    Ali_TSO Posts: 1,172 Member
    I think you need help...not just for the issue you raised, but for even giving your 1st world problems airtime.
    Never belittle someone else's concerns. They are very real to the person experiencing them, and this is obviously an issue that is very personal to her. She has the insight to see the pattern in her life. Let her process. There's no need to be a bully.

    Thanks to you both for your opinion, but thanks to Lovemenot for the support. :flowerforyou:
  • priddy_girl
    priddy_girl Posts: 22 Member
    I think the thoughts you are having are more common than you think. Couples get way to comfortable with each other and get so settled in everyday life that we sometimes forget why we feel in love...even noticing behavors in our mates that we find unattractive. Truth is no of us are perfect. The difference I see in this relationship is you have matured and you are analyzing your feelings before you act on them. This is healthy. Now what you need to do and ask youself what you NEED from your spouse in order to remain faithful. And don't forget about his feels too. He is a man and has desires just like you. Make him feel like the man he is and give him very specific ways he can make you feel like the woman he desires. Intimacy does not necessarly mean sex. May I suggest the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It's very insightful. Best wishes for a long and happy marriage.
  • mamamc03
    mamamc03 Posts: 1,067 Member
    HONEY!! That made me wanna cry!! You have a man that is supportive/hard working and obviously has been through a LOT with you!! Y'all make such a good team, from my perspective. I was the same way until I found a guy that wasn't in it for what was in my pants. Don't define yourself as a cheater....that was your old way of life.....just like you used to be a chronic eater...but you have begun to rehabilitate that aspect of your life. You married Mike for a reason. Because he was the ONE! Refocus on him...tell him you are CRAZY about him!!
    Cuddle/snuggle...whatever it takes! Marriage is NOT easy...it's harder than weight loss, because with marriage, people think you can just "drop it like its hot" and find someone else. NO! There is no magic pill or surgery that can mask the effects of marriage, because marriage is within your soul. It's a PART of you. Your fat, your skin, your rolls....they can all vanish without a trace in some cases. But when you give your heart to someone...even if you try to take it back, you leave a piece with them....you can never get back to that "bikini bod" of a heart you had before them.
    Marriage takes work...and its sooooo worth it. Never go to bed angry. Kiss DAILY!! Make out often!! Pop that hiney.
    Every time I get out of bed to walk to the potty (i drink ALOT OF WATER), I squeeze hubby's foot lightly whether he's awake or not. I don't know if he knows I do this, but it's not about that. It's just loving him with all of me that matters. After 10 years, he is STILL mine!!
    Same with you...five years is AMAZING!! Fight for it Ali!! <3 you! Message me ANY time!
  • Ali_TSO
    Ali_TSO Posts: 1,172 Member
    Think you're labelling yourself - at the ages you've mentioned I would put that down as pretty standard behaviour...
    If you're looking outside of your marriage currently; you need to look at that relationship to see what is not right, forget the past!

    Just my opinion


    I completely agree with this! If you love this man with all your heart, then you won't cheat. In my personal opinion, once you cheat, you are admitting that you don't love that person any longer. It is not possible to love two people in the same capacity. I also believe that there is no need for cheating. If you aren't in love with the person anymore, then you shouldn't be together. But again, those are just my opinions.

    I know you love Mike, as much as you gush about him all the time :-) You have a strong marriage, and you have never strayed from him before. So don't worry about the past, and just live in the present. Everyone has baggage. but it has been so long ago now, that it is almost obsolete. Maybe your pending birthday is making you a little nostalgic?

    But just to agree with the above poster, it all sounds very age specific transgressions, and not really serious ones at that. If your heart is in the relationship, then you won't cheat. And if it isn't, then get out :heart:

    haha, I do gush about him, don't I? He really is wonderful, just lacking that spark! I think the impending 30th could be giving me a 1/3-life crisis, for sure. Calm down, Ali, it'll be ok!!! :heart: u, Silly Sarah!
  • Ali_TSO
    Ali_TSO Posts: 1,172 Member
    I think the thoughts you are having are more common than you think. Couples get way to comfortable with each other and get so settled in everyday life that we sometimes forget why we feel in love...even noticing behavors in our mates that we find unattractive. Truth is no of us are perfect. The difference I see in this relationship is you have matured and you are analyzing your feelings before you act on them. This is healthy. Now what you need to do and ask youself what you NEED from your spouse in order to remain faithful. And don't forget about his feels too. He is a man and has desires just like you. Make him feel like the man he is and give him very specific ways he can make you feel like the woman he desires. Intimacy does not necessarly mean sex. May I suggest the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It's very insightful. Best wishes for a long and happy marriage.

    Thanks! :flowerforyou: I'll look into getting that book!
  • bathsheba_c
    bathsheba_c Posts: 1,873 Member
    So, for all the people suggesting that the cheating was a sign of it not being "the one," how do you tell who "the one" is? (If you don't believe in only one "the one," replace that with the term for "person you should marry" of your choice.)
  • Ali_TSO
    Ali_TSO Posts: 1,172 Member
    HONEY!! That made me wanna cry!! You have a man that is supportive/hard working and obviously has been through a LOT with you!! Y'all make such a good team, from my perspective. I was the same way until I found a guy that wasn't in it for what was in my pants. Don't define yourself as a cheater....that was your old way of life.....just like you used to be a chronic eater...but you have begun to rehabilitate that aspect of your life. You married Mike for a reason. Because he was the ONE! Refocus on him...tell him you are CRAZY about him!!
    Cuddle/snuggle...whatever it takes! Marriage is NOT easy...it's harder than weight loss, because with marriage, people think you can just "drop it like its hot" and find someone else. NO! There is no magic pill or surgery that can mask the effects of marriage, because marriage is within your soul. It's a PART of you. Your fat, your skin, your rolls....they can all vanish without a trace in some cases. But when you give your heart to someone...even if you try to take it back, you leave a piece with them....you can never get back to that "bikini bod" of a heart you had before them.
    Marriage takes work...and its sooooo worth it. Never go to bed angry. Kiss DAILY!! Make out often!! Pop that hiney.
    Every time I get out of bed to walk to the potty (i drink ALOT OF WATER), I squeeze hubby's foot lightly whether he's awake or not. I don't know if he knows I do this, but it's not about that. It's just loving him with all of me that matters. After 10 years, he is STILL mine!!
    Same with you...five years is AMAZING!! Fight for it Ali!! <3 you! Message me ANY time!

    I love you, girly! GREAT advice... We've got the "never go to bed angry" and the "kiss daily", it's the "Make out often!! Pop that hiney" that needs work. And I WILL work on it. I can promise you that. You guys have helped more than you know.
  • Ali_TSO
    Ali_TSO Posts: 1,172 Member
    Thanks to everyone for helping me work it out.

    I'm NOT a chronic cheater, was just stupid stuff I did when I was younger. I love my husband more than anything, & I WANT to make it work, will let him know I need a little more spice, and see what he needs from me too. :flowerforyou:

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