How/Should I tell an alcoholic if he is an alcoholic?
fenrirGrey
Posts: 110 Member
I have a good friend whose husband *seems* to be an alcoholic. I know for a fact that he has downed 4 big bottles of vodka, tequila and whisky in a week. Basically whatever is in the house meant for when friends are over. He has a huge history of drinking. I also know for a fact that he "needs a drink or two" on a daily basis. Although personally I have never seen him drunk (I don't hangout with them much), however I know for a fact that he drinks to a level that is way above normal. Due to reasons I cannot explain, I cannot tell you how I know these for a fact on a public forum. Also, this is not the only time I've tracked his drinking - this is just to give you an idea of what level I'm talking.
The couple has just had a baby and the friend is like family to me. So ignoring the issue is not an option. Now I don't know what the definition of an alcoholic is, but I have no doubt that he is drinking at a rate that might give him serious health issues pretty soon. He is 39 years old.
From the way I see it:
1) I can tell my friend that her husband has a serious drinking problem. I know that they've had numerous fights on this in the past already.
2) I can tell my friend's husband that he should really consider getting into AA as politely as I possibly can and leave it at that.
If any of you have dealt with a similar situation, I could really use some good advice.
Edit: Editing here so others wont have to dig through the conversation.
Like I said ignoring it is not an option for me personally. It is like knowing your sister's husband is alcoholic and not doing anything about it.
They have a 4 year old kid who the father loves more than anything. I know they don't have an abusive environment and I know the husband really respects my friend. He tries to do his best to hide it from his wife. He travels a lot for work so it is pretty easy for him to hide it.
They live in a different state, so hanging out and bonding with him is not really an option either.
Edit 2:
Again for reasons I cannot explain, I *KNOW* he drinks a lot. I *DON'T* know if he is an alcoholic. I'm being black and white here to get the right advice. I'm not interpreting things based on my interpretations.
The reason why I want to talk is I think he will listen to me. He is quite level headed otherwise and often comes to me for investment advice. But even so our relationship is more professional than friendly - if it makes sense. Also, I couldn't possibly live with myself if something ever happened to him/his family/my friend. Yes, I know whatever I do is probably not going to change that. But if there is a 1% chance that me bringing it up might be the thing that embarrasses (for lack of a better word) him into considering reducing his drinking, I'd much rather take it.
I like the advice of telling my friend that this could be a problem but to deal with it by showing him love and support instead of fighting.
Like I mentioned, unlike what is more common, this relationship still has a lot of respect for each other. So I think if my friend showed genuine care and concern it might turn him around.
The couple has just had a baby and the friend is like family to me. So ignoring the issue is not an option. Now I don't know what the definition of an alcoholic is, but I have no doubt that he is drinking at a rate that might give him serious health issues pretty soon. He is 39 years old.
From the way I see it:
1) I can tell my friend that her husband has a serious drinking problem. I know that they've had numerous fights on this in the past already.
2) I can tell my friend's husband that he should really consider getting into AA as politely as I possibly can and leave it at that.
If any of you have dealt with a similar situation, I could really use some good advice.
Edit: Editing here so others wont have to dig through the conversation.
Like I said ignoring it is not an option for me personally. It is like knowing your sister's husband is alcoholic and not doing anything about it.
They have a 4 year old kid who the father loves more than anything. I know they don't have an abusive environment and I know the husband really respects my friend. He tries to do his best to hide it from his wife. He travels a lot for work so it is pretty easy for him to hide it.
They live in a different state, so hanging out and bonding with him is not really an option either.
Edit 2:
Again for reasons I cannot explain, I *KNOW* he drinks a lot. I *DON'T* know if he is an alcoholic. I'm being black and white here to get the right advice. I'm not interpreting things based on my interpretations.
The reason why I want to talk is I think he will listen to me. He is quite level headed otherwise and often comes to me for investment advice. But even so our relationship is more professional than friendly - if it makes sense. Also, I couldn't possibly live with myself if something ever happened to him/his family/my friend. Yes, I know whatever I do is probably not going to change that. But if there is a 1% chance that me bringing it up might be the thing that embarrasses (for lack of a better word) him into considering reducing his drinking, I'd much rather take it.
I like the advice of telling my friend that this could be a problem but to deal with it by showing him love and support instead of fighting.
Like I mentioned, unlike what is more common, this relationship still has a lot of respect for each other. So I think if my friend showed genuine care and concern it might turn him around.
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Replies
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http://www.al-anon.org/
A great resource to help friends and families of loved ones with drinking problems. Talk with them first.0 -
I have a good friend whose husband *seems* to be an alcoholic. I know for a fact that he has downed 4 big bottles of vodka, tequila and whisky in a week. Basically whatever is in the house meant for when friends are over. He has a huge history of drinking. I also know for a fact that he "needs a drink or two" on a daily basis. Although personally I have never seen him drunk (I don't hangout with them much), however I know for a fact that he drinks to a level that is way above normal. Due to reasons I cannot explain, I cannot tell you how I know these for a fact on a public forum. Also, this is not the only time I've tracked his drinking - this is just to give you an idea of what level I'm talking.
The couple has just had a baby and the friend is like family to me. So ignoring the issue is not an option. Now I don't know what the definition of an alcoholic is, but I have no doubt that he is drinking at a rate that might give him serious health issues pretty soon. He is 39 years old.
From the way I see it:
1) I can tell my friend that her husband has a serious drinking problem. I know that they've had numerous fights on this in the past already.
2) I can tell my friend's husband that he should really consider getting into AA as politely as I possibly can and leave it at that.
If any of you have dealt with a similar situation, I could really use some good advice.
You won't want to hear this, but I would leave it alone. If they've had "numerous fights" in the past, your friend obviously does know her husband has a problem. Not much you can do, except offer support when asked and pray there's no train wreck. If you intervene, they may very well turn on you in a sign of co-dependent marital solidarity.0 -
Please check out this article, "How can I help my problem drinker quit drinking?" at the link below.
http://www.al-anon.org/how-can-i-help-my-problem-drinker-quit-drinking0 -
If you are willing to lose the friendship and feel compelled to do what you think is right, then say something.
However, don't hold your breath. It's good to have hope, just don't be disappointed when nothing changes.
I am truly an expert.....from life. My first husband was an alcoholic. He wasn't when I married him and it took years for him to turn into a full-blown alcholic. We were young and partying and having a great time. After 9 years of marriage, he drank more and more. I got sick and tired of the bar scene and stopped going. He still went. Then 3 years later when I finally decided to leave, I ended up pregnant after years and years of fertility drugs had failed.....so I stayed longer. I had another child 2 years later. I made him go to rehab twice because of the kids. It never lasted more than 4 months. I finally decided that my babies would not grow up in that house, so we divorced. I never could do it for me, but I did it for them. Howver, he could not stop drinking for himself, for me, or for his precious daughters.
I'm sad to say, he drank himself to death less than 4 years after the divorce at the young age of 46. His daughters were 5 and 7. They never knew him.
I don't know if any good will come of your concern...but you are a good person to try. I hope their story has a happier ending.
Please send me a message as to what you decide and what happens. This story hit a very sad place in my heart.0 -
You should probably mind your business and spend more time working on yourself.0
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"You won't want to hear this, but I would leave it alone. If they've had "numerous fights" in the past, your friend obviously does know her husband has a problem. Not much you can do, except offer support when asked and pray there's no train wreck. If you intervene, they may very well turn on you in a sign of co-dependent marital solidarity."
this is very true. just be there for your friend and offer support. are you friends with her husband at all? offer to go play basketball, golf, hiking..whatever youre into with him sometime. it could turn into a regular thing and you may be the perfect distraction to get him into a healthier lifestyle. everyone, especially a new parent can need an outlet sometimes, encourage him to engage in healthy activities.0 -
A friend who cares would try to help. Best wishes, your comments may not be appreciated. But you can still try.
Ruth0 -
You should probably mind your business and spend more time working on yourself.
a little heartless? maybe minding your own business is truly good advice...but that just sounded mean.0 -
You can let your friend know you are there for them, but even being that close and even family will not appreciate you getting involved. Just be there for your friend and make sure they know you will be there for them. But they have to figure it out on their own and you will only give more drama. You should just stay out of it0
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I've edited the first message with more information0
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Sounds like you barely know the guy, so keep quiet. Don't cause drama.
An alcoholic never wants to hear they have a problem, until they are ready to admit it to themselves.0 -
You won't want to hear this, but I would leave it alone. If they've had "numerous fights" in the past, your friend obviously does know her husband has a problem. Not much you can do, except offer support when asked and pray there's no train wreck. If you intervene, they may very well turn on you in a sign of co-dependent marital solidarity.
Very much this ^^^
I know that they're like a family to you but even among real family members there is also a time when you simply just have to leave them alone. Also its useless to put someone into a rehab when that person isn't ready to do it. Only that person can change himself & no one else, not even his wife.
That is also somewhat similar to losing weight wherein if you're not ready to give up your old habits then nothing will happen.0 -
You should probably mind your own business.
It's none of your business!!!
Until someone is ready to admit they are an Alcoholic and hit THEIR rock bottom nothing anyone says will convince them they are.
EDIT: Trust me I know from personal experience. He's not hiding it too well if you know and if she lives with him she knows the full extent of his drinking.0 -
You can let your friend know you are there for them, but even being that close and even family will not appreciate you getting involved. Just be there for your friend and make sure they know you will be there for them. But they have to figure it out on their own and you will only give more drama. You should just stay out of it
I agree with this.
Don't kid yourself into thinking your friend doesn't realize he's an alcoholic, he knows. Alcoholics know they are what they are just as other addicts do ... but until THEY are ready to face the problem (and/or accept that there is a problem) and fix it, your concerned words could end up falling on deaf ears or he could turn defensive and cut you out of his life where you won't be able to help on any level. :ohwell:0 -
From experience I don't know if you can help them. An alcoholic doesn't want to hear from anyone that they are an alcoholic and your friend knows and chooses to stay. All you can do is be a good friend to her. You can't fix the situation for them. Trust me. I've tried and failed. It is heart-breaking and sad.
Best of luck to you. You are obviously a good friend.0 -
You can let your friend know you are there for them, but even being that close and even family will not appreciate you getting involved. Just be there for your friend and make sure they know you will be there for them. But they have to figure it out on their own and you will only give more drama. You should just stay out of it
I agree with this.
Don't kid yourself into thinking your friend doesn't realize he's an alcoholic, he knows. Alcoholics know they are what they are just as other addicts do ... but until THEY are ready to face the problem (and/or accept that there is a problem) and fix it, your concerned words could end up falling on deaf ears or he could turn defensive and cut you out of his life where you won't be able to help on any level. :ohwell:
this helps, thank you!0 -
Has your friend thought about al-anon? I know it was a really big help for me when I went due to a family member who was an alcoholic. If she hasn't maybe talk to her and encourage her to even just go to their website and see there is a lot of information there.
I don't think you should step into it per-say but support your friend, be there and listen and do encourage her to do the right thing for herself and her family.0 -
unfortunately most people need to hit rock bottom on their own before they realize they have a problem. You can do the tips from al-anon, but they will only see they have an issue when they hit rock bottom. Will be rough road if you push it too much and they don't see it. You might lose the friend first before they realize they have a problem0
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That's a tough one. I'm in no way an expert, but I agree you can't ignore it. I was watching Dr. Oz one day and something he said really stuck with me.
He said you can't tell a smoker to stop smoking. It won't work. Smoker's already know that smoking is bad for them. So the fact they feel they can't stop makes them feel worse about themselves, which in turn makes them smoke more. It's a vicious cycle. I would assume the same is for any addiction, especially drinking.
Dr. Oz's advice was not to tell them to stop, or give them an ultimatum or anything, but to tell them that you love them and keep reminding them how much they mean to you. You need to give them your full love and support, instead of yelling at them. If you get get mad, they feel even worse that they can't do it. You need to keeping telling them you love them and build up their confidence and self-esteem so that they want to quit and that they know even if they stumble at first, you won't blame them or leave them.
I totally think you can apply that same advice to a drinking problem. I personally think that you need to sit down both your friend and her husband together (without the kids obviously) and begin the conversation and when it's time, leave them alone to talk about it. It shouldn't be all about you - you only need to begin the conversation.
Hope that helps!
Good luck!0 -
very well said. How do you tell a person they are an alcoholic? They already know. Try the serenity prayer, it works wonders. Don't judge him or her, just be there for them when they turn to you. They have to want to change, or nothing good is gonna happen. What will it take. Only they know what they bottom is. Serenity prayer...wonderful tool to lighten your load:flowerforyou:0
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I'm a recovering alcoholic myself, and I hate to break it to you, but there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do to get him to stop drinking. Nothing. It's up to him, and until he makes that choice, you (and everyone else around him) are SOL.0
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I have a good friend whose husband *seems* to be an alcoholic. I know for a fact that he has downed 4 big bottles of vodka, tequila and whisky in a week. Basically whatever is in the house meant for when friends are over. He has a huge history of drinking. I also know for a fact that he "needs a drink or two" on a daily basis. Although personally I have never seen him drunk (I don't hangout with them much), however I know for a fact that he drinks to a level that is way above normal. Due to reasons I cannot explain, I cannot tell you how I know these for a fact on a public forum. Also, this is not the only time I've tracked his drinking - this is just to give you an idea of what level I'm talking.
The couple has just had a baby and the friend is like family to me. So ignoring the issue is not an option. Now I don't know what the definition of an alcoholic is, but I have no doubt that he is drinking at a rate that might give him serious health issues pretty soon. He is 39 years old.
From the way I see it:
1) I can tell my friend that her husband has a serious drinking problem. I know that they've had numerous fights on this in the past already.
2) I can tell my friend's husband that he should really consider getting into AA as politely as I possibly can and leave it at that.
If any of you have dealt with a similar situation, I could really use some good advice.
Edit: Editing here so others wont have to dig through the conversation.
Like I said ignoring it is not an option for me personally. It is like knowing your sister's husband is alcoholic and not doing anything about it.
They have a 4 year old kid who the father loves more than anything. I know they don't have an abusive environment and I know the husband really respects my friend. He tries to do his best to hide it from his wife. He travels a lot for work so it is pretty easy for him to hide it.
They live in a different state, so hanging out and bonding with him is not really an option either.
You can perhaps lightly mention it (as in say "hey, do you think your husband might have a problem?"). But only do this if you are prepared to hear the answer "no" or have her change the subject and are capable of accepting that answer. A good friend will accept this answer, remain quiet, and be there for her when things go bad (which they likely will). Trying to push your opinion on her or argueing with her about it will only push her away, make you angry, make her angry, and end the friendship. She will have no one there for her when things go bad (which they likely will). Really.. pushing it like that is more an act of vanity than an act of kindness. Be there with the right things to say when she (or he) is ready to hear them. Sometimes being right at the wrong time is as good as being wrong.0 -
I have a good friend whose husband *seems* to be an alcoholic. I know for a fact that he has downed 4 big bottles of vodka, tequila and whisky in a week. Basically whatever is in the house meant for when friends are over. He has a huge history of drinking. I also know for a fact that he "needs a drink or two" on a daily basis. Although personally I have never seen him drunk (I don't hangout with them much), however I know for a fact that he drinks to a level that is way above normal. Due to reasons I cannot explain, I cannot tell you how I know these for a fact on a public forum. Also, this is not the only time I've tracked his drinking - this is just to give you an idea of what level I'm talking.
The couple has just had a baby and the friend is like family to me. So ignoring the issue is not an option. Now I don't know what the definition of an alcoholic is, but I have no doubt that he is drinking at a rate that might give him serious health issues pretty soon. He is 39 years old.
From the way I see it:
1) I can tell my friend that her husband has a serious drinking problem. I know that they've had numerous fights on this in the past already.
2) I can tell my friend's husband that he should really consider getting into AA as politely as I possibly can and leave it at that.
If any of you have dealt with a similar situation, I could really use some good advice.
Edit: Editing here so others wont have to dig through the conversation.
Like I said ignoring it is not an option for me personally. It is like knowing your sister's husband is alcoholic and not doing anything about it.
They have a 4 year old kid who the father loves more than anything. I know they don't have an abusive environment and I know the husband really respects my friend. He tries to do his best to hide it from his wife. He travels a lot for work so it is pretty easy for him to hide it.
They live in a different state, so hanging out and bonding with him is not really an option either.
Coming from someone that could probably drink a sailor under the table if I chose too...
You can't change him, he has to do it himself.
You can't change your friend that is living with someone like that.
You can stage intervention but be prepared to lose them as friends.
You can call family services if you think it's affecting the welfare of the child.
People with alcohol addiction are not easy to change and the people around them can be just as difficult.
I lost my husband to it, since then I know longer drink everyday but I still have Beer:30 on Friday, but not everyone can control it. There are days I just "feel" I need a drink and have to tell myself not today Sunshine, just not going to happen.
I wish you luck in this as it not going to be easy no matter what path you follow.0 -
. Although personally I have never seen him drunk (I don't hangout with them much), however I know for a fact that he drinks to a level that is way above normal. Due to reasons I cannot explain, I cannot tell you how I know these for a fact on a public forum. Also, this is not the only time I've tracked his drinking - this is just to give you an idea of what level I'm talking.
They live in a different state, so hanging out and bonding with him is not really an option either.
How do you know he is an alcoholic? If they live in a different state then you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Dont make assumptions out of some misguided attempt at a good deed.0 -
bump, interested in seeing where this goes0
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You should probably mind your own business.
It's none of your business!!!
Until someone is ready to admit they are an Alcoholic and hit THEIR rock bottom nothing anyone says will convince them they are.
EDIT: Trust me I know from personal experience. He's not hiding it too well if you know and if she lives with him she knows the full extent of his drinking.
I'm a former binge drinker, and I can say this is dead on with one caveat. My family staged a sort of "intervention" on me a few years ago where they all confronted me at once and forced me to listen to their concerns. I hated it at first, was in denial about how bad my drinking problem was, but after a week or so of being royally pissed, I realized they were right. I didn't do a treatment program, but I saw a counselor and dealt with a lot of the emotional issues around what was causing me to drink so much, and eventually, I got clean. I'm not 100% sober (well, I am when I'm pregnant clearly), but I have control enough to keep it to 1-2 drinks per week max. No more hard liquor ever. Just beer and wine.
There are really two classifications of alcoholics: those who drink for emotional reasons and those who are physically addicted to alcohol. Those two classifications are not necessarily mutually exclusive, but they were for me.
Long story short, I think you should discuss this with your mutual friends and his family members to see what everyone else thinks and go from there. Trust me, you do NOT want to be the only one saying he's got a problem. That's a recipe for disaster. Good luck to you.0 -
That sounds so much better than what I was thinking...LOL..,, I understand that that is your friend but Alcoholism and family dynamics can be a tricky thing to navigate .on the other hand , just recently a father in our city just killed his 15 year old daughter and severly injured his 11 year old daughter in a drunk driving accident , he had all four of his children with him in that car, this was not his first DUI so I am sure his family and friends knew of the problem BUT I wonder if it would have made a differnce if one concerned friend pushed it...you just never know ......his wife has said publicly she is staying with him...I wonder if she will still be friends with those who speak against him???I have a good friend whose husband *seems* to be an alcoholic. I know for a fact that he has downed 4 big bottles of vodka, tequila and whisky in a week. Basically whatever is in the house meant for when friends are over. He has a huge history of drinking. I also know for a fact that he "needs a drink or two" on a daily basis. Although personally I have never seen him drunk (I don't hangout with them much), however I know for a fact that he drinks to a level that is way above normal. Due to reasons I cannot explain, I cannot tell you how I know these for a fact on a public forum. Also, this is not the only time I've tracked his drinking - this is just to give you an idea of what level I'm talking.
The couple has just had a baby and the friend is like family to me. So ignoring the issue is not an option. Now I don't know what the definition of an alcoholic is, but I have no doubt that he is drinking at a rate that might give him serious health issues pretty soon. He is 39 years old.
From the way I see it:
1) I can tell my friend that her husband has a serious drinking problem. I know that they've had numerous fights on this in the past already.
2) I can tell my friend's husband that he should really consider getting into AA as politely as I possibly can and leave it at that.
If any of you have dealt with a similar situation, I could really use some good advice.
You won't want to hear this, but I would leave it alone. If they've had "numerous fights" in the past, your friend obviously does know her husband has a problem. Not much you can do, except offer support when asked and pray there's no train wreck. If you intervene, they may very well turn on you in a sign of co-dependent marital solidarity.0 -
I'm sorry your friend is going through this. I'm sure it's very difficult to watch.
My sister is a full blown alcoholic, and I have to agree with everyone that mentioned that there isn't anything you can do.
We have all tried talking to her, getting her to get help, etc...etc...
Everytime we think she's hit rock bottom, she just keeps sinking lower.
She's now homeless, had her daughter taken from her months ago, and just keeps getting worse.
The thing is, there is nothing we can do to help her. She has to do it for herself, and unfortunately, I don't ever see that happening.
It's an addiction, and sometimes the addiction wins.
If the situation gets out of hand for your friend, all you can do is wait till she gets tired of it and walks away if he doesn't seek help.
All you can do is be there to support her if and when she needs and asks for your help.
I'm sure it's not what you were hoping to hear, and I hope her situation only gets better.
I think it's awesome you're so caring and concerned.0 -
I'm a recovering alcoholic myself, and I hate to break it to you, but there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do to get him to stop drinking. Nothing. It's up to him, and until he makes that choice, you (and everyone else around him) are SOL.
I'm also a recovering alcoholic, and my boyfriend tried to get me to quit drinking for years before I finally admitted to myself that I needed to. Even then, it was kind of an "on-my-own" realization. But in between, we did have a lot of fights about it, and there was a lot of animosity between us--plus, I came close to losing my job a few times, couldn't pay the rent once or twice be cause I spent all my money on alcohol, blacked out a lot, threw up so much I started bursting blood vessels on my face, and I still couldn't admit I had a problem, and needed to stop. I agree with what some people have said; be there for your friend and offer her support, talk about this with her if she wants to, but I wouldn't try an intervention or anything, because that'll probably just embarrass or anger him and totally backfire on you.
Good luck to you, and to them!0 -
I'm a alcoholic, If this individual is an alcoholic, they won't want to hear it from anyone within his group of friends.
He has to hit bottom and want help in order to change.
That's the way it goes in our world. The direct approach will generally end up with hurt feelings and resentment.
Pass it on to a professional like it was mentioned in earlier posts is my best advice.
Best Wishes0
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