How/Should I tell an alcoholic if he is an alcoholic?

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Replies

  • fenrirGrey
    fenrirGrey Posts: 110 Member
    That's a tough one. I'm in no way an expert, but I agree you can't ignore it. I was watching Dr. Oz one day and something he said really stuck with me.

    He said you can't tell a smoker to stop smoking. It won't work. Smoker's already know that smoking is bad for them. So the fact they feel they can't stop makes them feel worse about themselves, which in turn makes them smoke more. It's a vicious cycle. I would assume the same is for any addiction, especially drinking.

    Dr. Oz's advice was not to tell them to stop, or give them an ultimatum or anything, but to tell them that you love them and keep reminding them how much they mean to you. You need to give them your full love and support, instead of yelling at them. If you get get mad, they feel even worse that they can't do it. You need to keeping telling them you love them and build up their confidence and self-esteem so that they want to quit and that they know even if they stumble at first, you won't blame them or leave them.

    I totally think you can apply that same advice to a drinking problem. I personally think that you need to sit down both your friend and her husband together (without the kids obviously) and begin the conversation and when it's time, leave them alone to talk about it. It shouldn't be all about you - you only need to begin the conversation.

    Hope that helps!

    Good luck!

    I think I might take this advice.

    Added more in the first post.
  • Michelle81285
    Michelle81285 Posts: 107
    Speaking from experience... until the person them selves will admit that they have a problem they will not listen to anyone else and continue to drink and hide it from everyone...

    It took my husband getting an extreme DUI and coming close to losing EVERYTHING before he would admit he had a problem and he still struggles with it every day.
  • dorothymiriam
    dorothymiriam Posts: 14
    We, those who love the alcoholic, cannot tell them. They must hit their bottom and admit their alcoholism themselves.
    We can, however, go to Al-Anon meetings to learn to deal with our own insane behavior, and open AA meetings to learn more about the disease of alcoholism. For young people up until the age of 18, there is Alateen. You can find the phone numbers in the regular phone book. I have been a grateful recovering member of Al-Anon for 19+ years, and my husband (who has given me his permission to share this particular info about himself) has been clean and sober in AA for 26 years. It works if you work it. Good luck and blessings from your Higher Power to you as you make your journey.:flowerforyou:
  • jesusHchris
    jesusHchris Posts: 1,405 Member
    You should probably mind your business and spend more time working on yourself.

    Agreed. Do you really think they don't know? Also, the husband isn't even your friend - it is the wife. This is completely not your business, my friend. If it comes from someone, it should be one of his loved ones.

    You're not a super hero dude, get a life and stop hating.
  • fenrirGrey
    fenrirGrey Posts: 110 Member
    Stop hating? Really?

    Cause I am concerned and seeking the right advice before taking a wrong step, you interpret it as someone not having a life?
    More power to you sir.
  • jesusHchris
    jesusHchris Posts: 1,405 Member
    You've made up your mind what you are going to do anyway, you're just seeking validation here. I'm not the only one saying you need to butt out.

    Do you honestly think you are going to shed light on a situation that your friend is clueless to? Do you have that little faith in the intelligence and perception of them? I think not.

    I am suspicious of your motivation.

    I also don't really care, but this is a good way to burn 10 minutes while I find something more interesting on TV.

    Edit: Against my nature here, but some actual advice. Maybe just make it known to your friend that you understand the situation and you are there for her IF she ever wants to talk about it. More than that and you suck.
  • fenrirGrey
    fenrirGrey Posts: 110 Member
    You've made up your mind what you are going to do anyway, you're just seeking validation here. I'm not the only one saying you need to butt out.

    Do you honestly think you are going to shed light on a situation that your friend is clueless to? Do you have that little faith in the intelligence and perception of them? I think not.

    I am suspicious of your motivation.

    I also don't really care, but this is a good way to burn 10 minutes while I find something more interesting on TV.

    Edit: Against my nature here, but some actual advice. Maybe just make it known to your friend that you understand the situation and you are there for her IF she ever wants to talk about it. More than that and you suck.

    Oh thank you kind sir.

    And I sincerely apologize that I have a difference in opinion.
  • jesusHchris
    jesusHchris Posts: 1,405 Member
    Oh thank you kind sir.
    And I sincerely apologize that I have a difference in opinion.

    You're more than welcome and I accept your apology. You asked for advice right? Or did you just want everyone to agree with you and tell you you are doing the right thing?

    I probably need to practice my Internet etiquette but that does not invalidate my opinions.

    Also, I am right 100% of the time.
  • gemiwing
    gemiwing Posts: 1,525 Member
    We, those who love the alcoholic, cannot tell them. They must hit their bottom and admit their alcoholism themselves.
    We can, however, go to Al-Anon meetings to learn to deal with our own insane behavior, and open AA meetings to learn more about the disease of alcoholism. For young people up until the age of 18, there is Alateen. You can find the phone numbers in the regular phone book. I have been a grateful recovering member of Al-Anon for 19+ years, and my husband (who has given me his permission to share this particular info about himself) has been clean and sober in AA for 26 years. It works if you work it. Good luck and blessings from your Higher Power to you as you make your journey.:flowerforyou:

    I agree with what you said here.

    To the OP- I would tell your friend you are concerned because that's what you are. Offer your support and then let go and allow them to thrive or fail on their own terms. You can't take this choice from them, they need it in order to grow. If you try to push one way or the other- chances are it won't work out the way you hope.

    Be honest about how you feel- share how you're afraid, concerned and feel compelled to help if it's wanted. What I'd try *not* to do is control what anyone else in this situation is doing.

    If she doesn't want to go to Al-Anon and he doesn't want AA- you can do nothing about it. If they need ten more years to figure out there's a problem- you can do nothing about it but offer your help if she wants it. Could be the help she wants is something you haven't thought of.
  • victoria4321
    victoria4321 Posts: 1,719 Member
    You should probably mind your business and spend more time working on yourself.


    a little heartless? maybe minding your own business is truly good advice...but that just sounded mean.

    You just agreed by saying it is good advice so aren't you just as heartless? Maybe I should have ended it with a smiley face.

    Either way, everyone has some sort of problem or issue in their life. Therefore, the OP should focus on his own problems instead of his friend's husband's problems. I'm pretty sure she is aware of the issue so repeating whats already been heard will probably make them feel worse since now they know everyone notices it. It's kind of like going up to an obese person and saying "Hey...btw...you're pretty fat did you know that?".

    I also agree with the guy above who questioned your intentions. It's a little strange that you feel the need to meddle in your friend's marriage.
  • bisland
    bisland Posts: 245 Member
    I do not think there is anything you can say or do. Untill this person recognizes he has a problem it will not change. Ya gotta want to change before change happens.
  • mfpcopine
    mfpcopine Posts: 3,093 Member
    You should probably mind your business and spend more time working on yourself.


    a little heartless? maybe minding your own business is truly good advice...but that just sounded mean.

    I agree. Even though I said that the OP probably should not intervene, I don't blame him for caring. We all have problems, and it's always easier to see the OTHER person's issues, but a friend with a new baby who has a possibly alcoholic husband does deserve support and sympathy.

    If it wasn't clear before, I think the OP sounds like a good person and hope he can provide some comfort.
  • fenrirGrey
    fenrirGrey Posts: 110 Member
    Not that I need to justify, but the "friend" is actually my sister and I did not wish to make it public.

    To those who want to know what happened, I made my sis read this thread, told her I was concerned and ended it at that. I also made sure she does not bring this topic up with her husband for at least a week giving it a cooling off period.

    I hope that those of you who said "mind your own business" never have to make this decision. Maybe I have hidden motives, maybe you think I want to be a hero, maybe you think I don't have a life. I honestly couldn't care less. Save your hate towards me towards a better thing.

    To those who understood this is a hard decision, thank you!
  • gemiwing
    gemiwing Posts: 1,525 Member
    Not that I need to justify, but the "friend" is actually my sister and I did not wish to make it public.


    To those who understood this is a hard decision, thank you!

    Try out al-anon if you want. Might take a while to find a meeting that's a great fit for you but having a community of support really, really, really helps.

    There are ripples that come outward from an alcoholic. It hits everyone.
  • natacha305
    natacha305 Posts: 117 Member
    I am a recovering alcoholic, and speaking from experience: the LAST thing an alcoholic wants to hear is someone suggesting they go to AA.

    Its hard enough to go when youve decided youve had enough, imagine how hard it would be to go if your pressured. Even though he respects your friend, works and everything, just means he is a functioning alcoholic.

    You risk him hating you for bringing up the subject or making it an issue. basically in his mind he will think why the F are you getting into his life when his wife and kids are perfectly fine and happy.

    its a tough choice, just be prepared for the worse. Al-anon is a great place to start.

    the way they FINALLY got me.... it was problem after problem after problem, then an intervention with my family (highly recommended) then DUI.... now i just choose life and not death

    POINT: if your gonna do it, dont do it alone get the whole family together and have an intervention. (see show "Intervention" on A&E)

    I hated it but it saved me
  • therealangd
    therealangd Posts: 1,861 Member
    I didn't read the whole thread, but I did read your updates in your original post. (just saw that this is a family member)

    You can support your friend, but stay out of their marriage.

    You might think that you don't have an option, but no good will come of an outsider interfering in their marriage. Even though this is family, you are still an outsider.

    Oh and if your friend has not come to you for support on this issue, then mind your own business. Especially since this is family.

    I think Al-Anon for yourself is a great idea. They will teach you how to support your family members.
  • natacha305
    natacha305 Posts: 117 Member
    You should probably mind your business and spend more time working on yourself.

    Spoken like a true alcoholic/addict.

    Misery loves company dont it?
  • dlangenfeld
    dlangenfeld Posts: 119
    Not that I need to justify, but the "friend" is actually my sister and I did not wish to make it public.

    To those who want to know what happened, I made my sis read this thread, told her I was concerned and ended it at that. I also made sure she does not bring this topic up with her husband for at least a week giving it a cooling off period.

    I hope that those of you who said "mind your own business" never have to make this decision. Maybe I have hidden motives, maybe you think I want to be a hero, maybe you think I don't have a life. I honestly couldn't care less. Save your hate towards me towards a better thing.

    To those who understood this is a hard decision, thank you!

    Good luck and I will be praying for your sister and her family, including you. To all the haters out there, it is truly sad what I was reading in this thread. You are a good person trying to help someone else and didn't deserve all those horrible comments. Sad excuse for people.
  • victoria4321
    victoria4321 Posts: 1,719 Member
    You should probably mind your business and spend more time working on yourself.

    Spoken like a true alcoholic/addict.

    Misery loves company dont it?

    Lol but I don't use drugs and I rarely drink so what else could my addictions be, dr?

    Either way, its never helpful to butt into another couples issues because it rarely helps. They know their problems and if they wanted help they can ask. Some people like to try and work on things at their own pace and everyone deserves the space to do so
  • dyn3428
    dyn3428 Posts: 14
    He isn't hiding anything. He knows it's a problem and so does she, they just aren't admitting it. Making excuses is what addicts and those who enable them do. The best thing you can do for your friend is just be there. You CAN NOT do anything to induce her husband to stop drinking. If he is truly an alcoholic, your words will fall on deaf ears. And you can't convince her to do anything else as long as she continues to participate in the relationship. Addicts need people in their lives who will support their choice to drink. You can support her and be her friend but you can't change one single thing about this relationship. Been there, done that..

    Women Who Love Too Much....read it.. I'm just sayin'
  • EmCarroll1990
    EmCarroll1990 Posts: 2,832 Member
    My brother's like this. Except he gets really stupid, can't talk, falls over the place, and has actually fallen into, and broken, my parents kitchen table. You know what they're doing about it? Nothing. Why? Because my dad ignores it.

    A lot of my family says that because it hasn't affected his work yet, that it's "not an issue." I wholeheartedly disagree with that.

    I've tried talking with my brother about it, politely and respectfully without making him feel like I'm attacking him, but he doesn't want to listen. He says he can control it and that everyone's exaggerating - which is not the case.

    Ultimately, you can and maybe should, say something, but if he doesn't see it as a problem then he won't do anything about it.

    I wish you and your friends the best of luck.

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