My beau is worried I'm gonna forget him due to working out

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  • MariaMariaM
    MariaMariaM Posts: 1,322 Member
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    This is something I struggle with sometimes. My husband is totally behind my desire to workout but at times, I feel that he thinks working out and eating healthy has taken over my life and I have no time for him anymore. It comes out with little comments he makes here and there.

    I had my turning point over 2 years ago and have been successful at keeping and exceeding what I accomplished. In all this time, I workout periodically but I also made sure I spend time with him. He knows working out is part of my life now and whether he likes it or not I will continue with it. I know that working out takes some time away from him so I try to do it at times that doesn't interfere much with activities, etc. If it does, I choose him over the workout.

    It takes a lot of communication to get everyone on the same page. Talk to him, explain why this is important to you and how it will not get in the middle of your relationship. Make sure you are able to create a good balance between your fitness life and personal one.
  • mellabyte
    mellabyte Posts: 193 Member
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    I went through a similar-ish situation and with our "busy can't seem to say no to people and events they invite us to" schedule, we're still working on trying to make more time for each other where we're only focusing on _US_.

    One of the things that help is my BF has active hobbies... So we hike together. And he's teaching me to play golf... When football season starts, we spend time outdoors tossing and passing the football. We try to do things like, go to a park to grill and play frisbee golf. We're both into photography, so we try to find places to go where we walk around a lot while taking pictures, anything from just a trip to the city (urban hiking), the zoo, etc. Try and see if any of his hobbies can be spun into moderately active together activities.

    Non-active-wise, we are going to start setting aside one night a week for a date night. Just the two of us, doing something fun - everyone and everything else taking a back seat. So on those nights, while I will still be eating as healthy as I can and logging my calories - I will not be fixating on fitness or what work I need to do or things that need to be done and he's going to do the same (in regards to his mind-worms/obsessions). (I also will not inform him of healthier food alternatives during our date nights - ahaha.) We both agreed, one a night a week, cannot possibly kill us. ^_^
  • meg7399
    meg7399 Posts: 672 Member
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    You should find things you could do together, while still working out.

    My fiance and I play tennis, we both like it, I'm doing it to workout and because I like it, he's doing it because he likes it. We both also bought bicycles three years ago and we ride them all the time.

    Just try to find fun things you like to do and he likes to do, and do them together.
    I tried that..he hates all forms of exercise..
    My BF is the same way. He will not work out or do anything active with me as he has a very physically demanding job and when he gets home its TV all the way. He just reminds me, "Remember who loved you when you were fat, so don't go trying to find someone hotter now that you got all skinny!" Its really a hidden compliment from him. They worry about losing us just as much as we worry about losing them. Just schedule time to spend with him...even if it is active. OR trick him to think you are doing something else that actually is active. My BF and I are going to the batting cages tomorrow...he doesn't realize that this will probably be a workout for me. He thinks we are doing what HE wants to do!!
  • cristaine
    cristaine Posts: 87
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    I would just assure your partner (or just remind yourself) of this:

    The happier you are in your body and in your life, the more fully present you will be with them, and with other areas of your life.

    I don't know about you, but for me? The more miserable I am with my fitness and weight, the more it becomes this dark shadow over EVERYTHING else in my life. It is one of the major reasons I am trying my hardest this time to get fit, out of pain, and healthy again.... so everything I do doesn't come with a side of "if only I were thinner it would be better/easier/sexier/fill_in_word_here."
    For me, being overweight and out of shape is like dragging along a third wheel everywhere I go. It really does hold me back from being 100% happy and present in my life. So, for me, focusing on my health now is for myself, but also so when I am with my husband or my son at the park or whatever, I am not me+ and all the insecurities that come with that. I will just be me. :)

    Maybe their bigger fear (because I think it is insecurity and fear) is that as you change you will outgrow them as you upgrade yourself. sometimes that even happens because for some people they get stronger as they accomplish goals and do something they normally would have done but felt powerless, but for the *most* part I think that we are just letting go of what DOESN"T serve us anymore in terms of health, not in terms of who we love. Loving ourselves has never excluded us from loving them, so why would it just because we can kick *kitten* a bit faster and harder in the end ? =)

    While I totally understand how that would weigh on you, don't carry the guilt for it. It isn't your guilt to carry. there is absolutely so much to GAIN for yourself and your relationship by getting healthy and fit and so little to lose. All you can do is assure your partner that you will always have time for them (and then make time for them to prove it of course) and then beyond that, do your thing =)
  • Liasings
    Liasings Posts: 150 Member
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    My husband is very supportive in many ways, but he will persist in bringing candy into the house. This despite our shared obesity and diabetes. I told him point blank that I had lived his lifestyle for 10 years and gained nearly 100 lbs and developed HPB and diabetes, and depression. Now, I was doing things my way. I am have lost 51 lbs since December, gotten my blood sugar and my diet under control, and started reclaiming the strong, fit, and happy me. I want him to join me, but that is his decision and only he can decide that.

    Good luck with your man. I think there is a deep-seated insecurity at play, and he's going to have to make the mental changes to get past it. You need to focus on yourself as much as you can.
  • tomomatic
    tomomatic Posts: 1,794 Member
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    You're working out for yourself and not for him.

    Tell him he's being a Bojo.
  • cllovesdw4eva
    cllovesdw4eva Posts: 74
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    Tell him to stop worrying and start praying on ALL things, including this.

    This definitely reaks of insecurity. I dont get a lot of modern day dudes, and Im damn sure glad I dont have to date them. Who wouldnt want someone they supposedly "love" to better themselves?
  • soymilkcoffee
    soymilkcoffee Posts: 171
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    The key is a balance. Just keep offering him to come to your classes. Maybe the fun ones, like kickboxing. If he doesn't want to at least try, then at least you can say that you offered him the opportunity to come spend time with you.
    Also, find activities that you both can enjoy together. It doesn't necessarily have to be a form of exercise. My boy and I just started hiking together, and he loves it! Try: hiking, a sport (soccer, rugby, football?). Maybe try enticing him with a challenge to bring out his competitive testosterone. :flowerforyou:
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
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    My BF's a linux nerd. He won't go for walks or exercise "for the sake of exercising", but he loves to ride bikes with me and he wants to go hiking. And he loves to swim. Dear god, does that boy love to swim...

    There's always something. Exercise is 'my time', but I always love spending time with him too. :D
  • starbucksbuzz
    starbucksbuzz Posts: 466 Member
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    My husband is similar to a lot of you guys in that he will walk or hike with me, but no gym, classes, etc. He does complain about his weight from time to time (he isn't really overweight but he thinks he is) but he mostly keeps quiet because my reply is always "ok start calorie counting and lets go for a walk.") He is really supportive of me working out etc. though. Last night he was playing video games when I got home, and we were trying to figure out the evening... I was like "I'm not sure if I should try to get to the gym tonight" and he told me "Go, you always feel better when you get home". So I went, and he was right. :)
  • larsmac83
    larsmac83 Posts: 24
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    My fiance is the same. When I first started losing weight, and actually LOST WEIGHT...that's when he realized that I was serious. He got really insecure and thought that once I "got skinny" I would no longer find him attractive and that someone more attractive than him would 'steal' me away. We had to have a REAL talk about our relationship, because I didn't want him to feel that way, AND I didn't want to be held back because of his fears. He actually likes working out with me, though, so we're lucky. But find other things for you two to do, and make sure to dedicate some serious time to him so he sees that you're not JUST about working out. It'll work out. And if it doesn't, that just means that there's someone in store for you that will get you as you are and love you no matter what! You keep going! No one has the right to take something like this away from you!
  • larsmac83
    larsmac83 Posts: 24
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    hmmm kinda sounds like my husband sometimes... he has gotten better tho. Its insecurity really,One day after he so lovingly suggested " Hey lets go out to burgerking!" I in frustration asked.. " why are you sabatoging me???!!" and that is when he told me he is worried that once I dump all the weight there will be nothing holding me back, even him. I swore to him he is my highschool sweetie, my love and I am in love with HIM. then his rebuttle, " thats what you say now... "
    SO I just came to this conclusion I am no longer going to allow him to control me, I am going to keep focused, get this weight off, do what it takes and love him through the process. Its hard when your both heavy and one starts changing and the other feels left behind. I have tried over and over to get him to come to the gym and to no avail... I keep offering today and will always, but never nag him. I do things constantly to show him love and try not to talk about the fitness/eating all the time in front of him but act normal as possible.

    hang in there dont give up!!!

    /\/\/\/\/\ This. My fiance is supremely insecure with his weight, and now that I've started to change things, it makes him feel inadequate somehow. He feels like I'll leave him behind and find newer, shinier things. Tell your man to just have a little faith in you. You're not going anywhere, you're just making sure that you're living the life YOU want to live!
  • kassiebby1124
    kassiebby1124 Posts: 927 Member
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    Goodness, so many replies. Thank you all so much. I also think it's from his insecurities. My boy is obese and he knows it. Honestly, he loathes his appearance, but does nothing to change it, despite he wants to and I offer. We talked about this today. He is worried that when I drop all the weight, I'm gonna find him unattractive and move "onto the next one." I don't want him to feel like that )': He's supportive and loving and I just want him happy.
  • vade43113
    vade43113 Posts: 836 Member
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    Ask, do you want me to be sad, just so you can be happy?

    I'll call him on that....

    If he truly cared, then he would find ways to spend more time with you.

    He doesn't hate all kinds of exercise... it is that he has no driving force. You can be that driving force. I don't care what anyone says, If you want something, you will find a way to get to it.

    My prayers go with you, and him...
  • heatherdawn007
    heatherdawn007 Posts: 15
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    My husband is the same way! He goes to work at 5:30 every morning and doesn't get off until 4pm. When he gets off, he also has a small lawn company and mows yards 1-2 afternoons a week. When you add in other random evening activities, almost every night is full. I work full time also, from 8-5, and then go to the gym from there. My mom is a dietician and I grew up exercising and eating healthier, so it's very important to me. However, I guilt myself if I miss 1 or 2 days at the gym, and I had gotten to where I was obsessing about spending more time there, sacrificing the time that we spent together to fit it in. He is very active as well and used to run at least 4 days a week (9-13 mile runs!) before his job required so much - now he would rather pull teeth than set foot in a gym. I don't want to push, but I'm definitely happy to encourage him in a healthier direction, because bad habits do catch up!

    A couple of ways that I have found to encourage him to have healthy habits is by packing his lunch and making sure it is nutritious - this keeps him from running by McDonalds or Chick Fil A in a bind. If I cook dinner, it's also going to be healthy, and I only make enough for us to eat healthy portions. We also made a pact that we almost only order water when we go out. And for Christmas, we bought ourselves bikes and we'll go ride at the beach for our date night sometimes, as one night a week is always set aside for us. He knows it is important to me and that I feel better if I go, but he helps me keep things in balance. It has to be important, but I don't want it to choke out the people that make life worth being fit for!

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